Do you have better luck with getting women in real life or on dating sites?

May 30, 2011

The thing is if you want something you just have to try. If you’ve given up you have no place to complain.

Do you know what to try?

I've read your past posts. You do seem better but have you stalled out?

May 30, 2011

To be quite honest I think I'm going to stop coming on here for a while and stop worrying about women (in fact I'm going to just completely avoid them) and put 100% of my focus on my career and academic pursuits. At least in that arena I have the ability to excel and actually achieve the goals I set for myself. I appreciate the advice that you and others have given me, and hopefully one day I'll actually be able to put it to good use.

I think this is a really good idea. I don't think you should look to avoid women, but focusing on other areas and coming on here less will probably be for the better. When I was so focused on why I couldn't get a woman, I started doing bad in many other areas; however, once I stopped for a bit (it's hard to completely shift your focus from them) and concentrated on other areas that didn't stress me out, I just felt better about myself.

I'm pretty much in the same position as you--not trying as much as I should because I assume that women in general wouldn't want anything to do with someone like me, which makes me feel like crap because I have no real reason to believe such a thing.

That all comes from me putting women on Mount Everest throughout my life when I should've been doing the opposite. Talking to women is still....a work in progress for me, as much conversational skills aren't as developed as they should be--but I know it's not out of reach now. Nothing is.

I think you have what it takes to get better, so I'm sure you'll get better with time.

May 30, 2011

I only complain after I try and then nothing happens.

It's not about wanting something and thinking I don't have to try; lately I've been more of the mind where I think it's a lost cause and it makes no sense to get my hopes up. This is the vicious cycle: I get confident, go talk to a few women, but then after a few days/weeks when nothing happens I get down again and don't try for a while; then the process begins again. Look, I don't make the claim that this is justifiable or that I'm a martyr or a victim of some kind, nor do I expect anyone to understand or relate to me, but it is what it is.

To be quite honest I think I'm going to stop coming on here for a while and stop worrying about women (in fact I'm going to just completely avoid them) and put 100% of my focus on my career and academic pursuits. At least in that arena I have the ability to excel and actually achieve the goals I set for myself. I appreciate the advice that you and others have given me, and hopefully one day I'll actually be able to put it to good use.

I just come here to entertain myself. I enjoy motivating people. That’s my goal when I talk to you or any one else here.

When it comes to getting women the real world is where its at. Even if you meet a woman online its all about the real world hopefully sooner then later.

People often come here looking for some answer. The only answer I can give you that wouldn’t be BS is you have to go out there and learn it for yourself. The thing you have to learn is to respect yourself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself if you try and fail. It shouldn’t be about winning. You never really win. You think it hurts getting rejected by a girl you barely know, well imagine getting dumped by some one you dated for a while. Imagine getting dumped by some one you were engaged to or married to.

The thing is you do have to stop worrying and just trust in yourself. Trust you are capable enough to handle what ever comes your way. Now go out there and do those bold bad ass things you’ve always wanted to do. Which will of course include the way you are with women. Changing the way you are has nothing to do with if it works out or not.

Do you know what to try?

I've read your past posts. You do seem better but have you stalled out?

Are you talking about Fortyninethousand? He sounds like he is just being hard on himself for no reason. Trying means not giving up at failures. He really shouldn’t even look at it as failure. If he had the power to attract every girl he wanted that would make him magic.

I’m going to use James Bond as a joke example. Bond has women trying to kill him some times, he’s so smooth though he ends up sleeping with them. The point is he doesn’t let a little thing like the fact they want him dead phase him.

I think this is a really good idea. I don't think you should look to avoid women, but focusing on other areas and coming on here less will probably be for the better. When I was so focused on why I couldn't get a woman, I started doing bad in many other areas; however, once I stopped for a bit (it's hard to completely shift your focus from them) and concentrated on other areas that didn't stress me out, I just felt better about myself.

I'm pretty much in the same position as you--not trying as much as I should because I assume that women in general wouldn't want anything to do with someone like me, which makes me feel like crap because I have no real reason to believe such a thing.

That all comes from me putting women on Mount Everest throughout my life when I should've been doing the opposite. Talking to women is still....a work in progress for me, as much conversational skills aren't as developed as they should be--but I know it's not out of reach now. Nothing is.

I think you have what it takes to get better, so I'm sure you'll get better with time.

I feel like you and every one else who feels they have a problem with women know the answers to their own problem. It’s just a matter of deciding to change. This obviously takes motivation but if you want it you’ll find a way.

The OP asks a question he well knows the answer to. The internet is better place for him to meet women because he doesn’t try to meet women in the real world. It would be a simple leaving his house and engaging women he found interesting. As long as he tried and said buzz phrases like “lets get together” and made physical moves things would eventually work out. In fact the attitude change of trying and no longer being afraid and hopeless would mean things were already working out as long as the person kept trying whether they ever got a date or not. (which they would get a date.)

It’s like the fat person who doesn’t want to be fat. It really is a simple as eating less. The thing is the person has to have the motivation to change. Otherwise they will be in denial or knowingly continue doing what feels comfortable afraid to fail.

May 30, 2011

Are you talking about Fortyninethousand?

He sounds like he is just being hard on himself for no reason. Trying means not giving up at failures. He really shouldn’t even look at it as failure. If he had the power to attract every girl he wanted that would make him magic.

No, I was talking to the OP. But what you said above to Fortyninethousand can apply to the OP too.

I want to know what Ross is trying now besides CBT and CDs. Both had limited success. Maybe he needs new ideas.

May 30, 2011

^Yeah, I agree with you. My problems are pretty clear, too.

My problems: confidence isn't where I want it to be, which means I get overly nervous in many situations, I don't talk to enough women to get a good feel for them, and, possibly the biggest problem that I need to completely get rid of, is continuously trying to find perfect situations to approach instead of being ballsy and just doing it without thinking.

Unfortunately, while I'm focusing on getting better, I realize that this will not be an overnight process, nor should it logically be one. It's more difficult for me than I wish it was...but if I want to get better, I really have to break my comfort zone down and be uncomfortable to get better. No pain, no gain, as they say.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a woman, and during that interaction, had no idea what to talk about after the initial convo topic, so my mind went blink. I really had no idea where to go from there, and later realized that since I'm not very experienced, it's going to be pretty rough. I honestly don't believe I would piss a woman off by approaching her, but I'm inherently scared of making this a general part of my life...and it annoys me.

So, you're right; I believe I know the answers to my problems, but applying them aren't as easy. But I plan to put myself out there way more often than ever before now, so I have the motivation to improve.

You miss 100% of the shots you never take. I need to replay this in my mind when I'm out.

May 30, 2011

^Yeah, I agree with you. My problems are pretty clear, too.

My problems: confidence isn't where I want it to be, which means I get overly nervous in many situations, I don't talk to enough women to get a good feel for them, and, possibly the biggest problem that I need to completely get rid of, is continuously trying to find perfect situations to approach instead of being ballsy and just doing it without thinking.

Unfortunately, while I'm focusing on getting better, I realize that this will not be an overnight process, nor should it logically be one. It's more difficult for me than I wish it was...but if I want to get better, I really have to break my comfort zone down and be uncomfortable to get better. No pain, no gain, as they say.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a woman, and during that interaction, had no idea what to talk about after the initial convo topic, so my mind went blink. I really had no idea where to go from there, and later realized that since I'm not very experienced, it's going to be pretty rough. I honestly don't believe I would piss a woman off by approaching her, but I'm inherently scared of making this a general part of my life...and it annoys me.

So, you're right; I believe I know the answers to my problems, but applying them aren't as easy. But I plan to put myself out there way more often than ever before now, so I have the motivation to improve.

You miss 100% of the shots you never take. I need to replay this in my mind when I'm out.

If you run out of things to say then do nothing. Just look at her and put the pressure on her to say something. If you were don’t talking about the thing you wanted to talk about the just ask her out. Pull the trigger. Same goes for the date, when you run out of crap to say just kiss her or hold her hand or some crap.

You over think it all. That’s why you have the problem with talking yourself into inaction by pretending the situation isn’t perfect because some guy is in the room or what ever. Some stupid guy on the football team who aggressively asks women out and isn’t afraid to be physical will do great with women. This guy probably never read a book and can barely speak. Think of that when you have trouble thinking of something to say. You don’t really need to say anything. In fact women love seeing a guy open up as they get to know him better. It’s natural to have trouble speaking in the beginning. Just enjoy being in the presence of a girl you like. I mean isn’t it great just to sit by a girl you like? My point is stop worrying about being her jester. Just do the simple little things you know you need to try like asking her out, and then once on the date kissing her.

If you fail with her you still get to try again. Very rare for a girl to reject you in a way that makes it obvious you should never try. Also when they reject you by telling you they have a boyfriend (whether true or not) it always kinda feels good if you let it, because it some times feels like they are saying “I’d date you if I didn’t have a bf.”

May 30, 2011

You're right. I'm not having enough fun with this. I'm always afraid to say the wrong thing and always feel like I'm walking on thin ice with women. In short, I take this way too seriously. I wanted to ask that woman for her # really bad, but I just couldn't.

It does feel good sitting next to a woman I'm attracted to. What doesn't feel good is being too much of a wuss to say hi to her. But like I said, I'm going to try to relax and be more bold with this.

May 30, 2011

I used to meet men IRL before the internet, in the olden days I came out of an 18 year r/ship 2 years ago, and when I felt ready I joined a couple of sites of interest to me (lifestyle/hobbies etc) for people wanting friendships or r/ships with people with the same interests, it worked for me, much more than a general dating site where I had very little interest, and I wasn't interested in anyone either, all too vague and general and not specific to my interests.

I'm shy so don't meet many new people, I do meet people though work but haven't met ant potential partners through work over the years and socially I'm not into pubs or clubs, I just go to cafes with friends or to see a film or back to their place, so don't meet new people that way.

I think online is good for shy people or anyone who finds it hard meeting new people for whatever reason, I'm unconventional as well, so general dating sites don't really do it for me.

Although joining groups IRL with people with similar interests *has* worked for me in the past, I've met partners that way.

I can't see that you would look ugly IRL, and if you were then the right person would look beyond that anyway. Looks like you're a redhead? I have a thing for redheads, my ex (*he* left *me*!) is a redhead, gorgeous. You have nothing to be concerned about looks wise

Well this is really strange. That you are all more successful with attracting women in real life.

I have never had a woman show interest in me in real life, not one, but lot's of women online have shown interest in me, and it's not just on dating sites, in fact it's mainly been on forums.

I don't get it. This is what makes me think that maybe in real life I look nothing like my good photo's, and that I must actually look very ugly in person.

May 30, 2011

I do better online by far. Live in my hick-ass suburb for a couple of years and you will be sprinting to match.com.

May 30, 2011

I do better in real life. By far.

But, if you spend all your time on the internet, instead of meeting and talking to people in real life then that’s why things are the way they are for you. Why not get out and meet people?

I do spend a lot of time on the Internet, but I don't spend all of my time on it.

Plus I used to get out a lot, and meet people until my mid 20's, but I've still never once had a woman express interest in me in real life.

Yet since being on the Internet, I've a had a lot of women show interest in me. So like I said, I'm worried I must look ugly in real life or there's something wrong with my pheremones or something.

May 30, 2011

I think definitely in real life.

May 30, 2011

You have better luck online because it's where you spend the majority of your time.

You don't have luck in RL because you aren't out talking. You avoid and feel shy around women.

So, of course you'd be more successful online. It's how they get to know you.

To be successful in RL, overcome the fears (get therapy, medication, whatever), and risk some rejection. It's not easy but it's how it's done.

BTW, I'm more successful online because my work inhibits me from being out socializing. It's where I meet more women.

Out on the street, women never approach me or come on to me. But, I've had many dates, relationships and sex after I've put myself out there and risked talking to them.

Again, used to spend most of my time outside, with friends (some of which were girls, and sometimes I'd meet other girls through my friends), and although I was shy there were plenty of times where I talked to girls and had conversations with them. I lived like this right up until my mid 20's.

Yet I still never had a girl show any interest in me.

May 30, 2011

OP, since it's you, me and I think one other person who do 'better' online, can I ask if you (general 'you') who do better online have no issues relating to women otherwise?

What do you mean by relating, making a connection?

I have always found it very difficult to make a connection with women offline, I've got no idea why.

Offline I've had hundreds (not literally) of male friends, I find them so easy to make I don't even have to think about it. But for some reason I've only had about 2 friends who were female.

May 30, 2011

Now some of you may think 'duh, dating sites are for people who don't have much luck in real life, so obviously they must have more luck on dating sites'

But I have heard a couple of people say they have better luck in real life.

So, it got me curious.

I know the question was for men but I will answer anyway. Personally I do better online. It is because that is where I feel comfortable. I am way to shy in real life to have much luck with guys. Online offers me control of a situation; which I like.

May 30, 2011

To add to my last post, on a lot of occasions in real life where I've tried talking to a girl, she acts as though she doesn't really want to talk to me by starting to talk to one of my other male friends after maybe only exchanging a few words with me.

May 30, 2011

I just come here to entertain myself. I enjoy motivating people. That’s my goal when I talk to you or any one else here.

When it comes to getting women the real world is where its at. Even if you meet a woman online its all about the real world hopefully sooner then later.

People often come here looking for some answer. The only answer I can give you that wouldn’t be BS is you have to go out there and learn it for yourself. The thing you have to learn is to respect yourself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself if you try and fail. It shouldn’t be about winning. You never really win. You think it hurts getting rejected by a girl you barely know, well imagine getting dumped by some one you dated for a while. Imagine getting dumped by some one you were engaged to or married to.

The thing is you do have to stop worrying and just trust in yourself. Trust you are capable enough to handle what ever comes your way. Now go out there and do those bold bad ass things you’ve always wanted to do. Which will of course include the way you are with women. Changing the way you are has nothing to do with if it works out or not.

Are you talking about Fortyninethousand? He sounds like he is just being hard on himself for no reason. Trying means not giving up at failures. He really shouldn’t even look at it as failure. If he had the power to attract every girl he wanted that would make him magic.

I’m going to use James Bond as a joke example. Bond has women trying to kill him some times, he’s so smooth though he ends up sleeping with them. The point is he doesn’t let a little thing like the fact they want him dead phase him.

I feel like you and every one else who feels they have a problem with women know the answers to their own problem. It’s just a matter of deciding to change. This obviously takes motivation but if you want it you’ll find a way.

The OP asks a question he well knows the answer to. The internet is better place for him to meet women because he doesn’t try to meet women in the real world. It would be a simple leaving his house and engaging women he found interesting. As long as he tried and said buzz phrases like “lets get together” and made physical moves things would eventually work out. In fact the attitude change of trying and no longer being afraid and hopeless would mean things were already working out as long as the person kept trying whether they ever got a date or not. (which they would get a date.)

It’s like the fat person who doesn’t want to be fat. It really is a simple as eating less. The thing is the person has to have the motivation to change. Otherwise they will be in denial or knowingly continue doing what feels comfortable afraid to fail.

Have I ever said that I stay in my house 24 hours a day, or that I've hardly ever gone out and mixed with other people for the whole of my life?

I also have absolutley no idea why women have never seemed to be interested in me in real life. There is no reason for me to lie. I would give anything to find out what the problem is.

You know nothing about me Dust, I don't know why you're trying to act like you do. It's annoying.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

May 30, 2011

No, I was talking to the OP. But what you said above to Fortyninethousand can apply to the OP too.

I want to know what Ross is trying now besides CBT and CDs. Both had limited success. Maybe he needs new ideas.

I'm not trying anything. I need to sort my life out first, which is what I'm working on right now. Once I've achieved that, then maybe I will try, and all I can think of that entailing would be to just join dating sites, message hundreds of women on them, and just hope at least one still wants me after we've met in real life.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

May 30, 2011

But for some reason I've only had about 2 friends who were female.

Yes, that's what I mean. In general, IRL, relating to women. Being able to, and enjoy, converse and get to know women as people, just regular humans, not potential love interests or sexual partners.

I've found, even though my love life has not been the model of success, that I've generally enjoyed the interactions I've had over the decades with women and those who have become friends. Perhaps, antithetically, it's that ease of interaction which contributes to the lack of success, in that ease implies little tension/attraction/desire, hallmarks of intergender relationships. As a female friend once opined, a little animosity is good for a relationship. IDK about that but I guess it's one POV.

Edited May 30, 2011 by carhill

May 30, 2011

I do better online by far. Live in my hick-ass suburb for a couple of years and you will be sprinting to match.com.

agree, for the same reason basically. i live in the one fairly normal city in a sea of hick-ass suburbs. so the hick-ass suburbs come here for a social life. lest i want to wind up in one of those hick-ass suburbs, i need to narrow down the list to those who were here to start with.

May 30, 2011

I think, if you have problems attracting women offline, online you're not going to do much better.

May 30, 2011

I think, if you have problems attracting women offline, online you're not going to do much better.

The fact is I do do much better online. I just don't get it.

May 30, 2011

I'm not trying anything. I need to sort my life out first, which is what I'm working on right now. Once I've achieved that, then maybe I will try, and all I can think of that entailing would be to just join dating sites, message hundreds of women on them, and just hope at least one still wants me after we've met in real life.

That sounds like a good plan.

You want to have your ducks in a row, then use the extra energy left over for dating.

As far as messaging hundreds of women on dating sites, that's also a good plan. If you come across better online, go with your strengths.

Good luck, man.

May 30, 2011

I'll sure need it.

Sign In

Do you have better luck with getting women in real life or on dating sites?

Recommended Posts

thehead

Cracker Jack

Dust

thehead

Cracker Jack

Dust

Cracker Jack

HeavenOrHell

sanskrit

Ross MwcFan

TheLawmaker

Ross MwcFan

Ross MwcFan

SmileFace

Ross MwcFan

Ross MwcFan

Ross MwcFan

carhill

thatone

TheLawmaker

Ross MwcFan

thehead

Ross MwcFan

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...