flowergirl86 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Hi I am hoping someone on here can advise me on what to do. Im 24, I've been with my boyfriend (hes 22) 2 1/2 years, he is in the army so is away alot. He has always been the "ideal boyfriend" everyone loves him, including me. However, last year we went through a really rough patch, in the end we sorted things out. In the past month, we started to have problems again, both our faults, I think the distance got to us. Recently, we broke up for a day or so, though we met & spoke about things, then agreed to work at our relationship as we still love each other. From the outside, and majority of the time inside, its clear he does actually love me... or so I thought? A few weeks ago when we patched things up, I was looking online on his laptop & came across a dating site that he'd been visiting all week. I immediatly asked for an explanation, which he gave, that he thought we were basically over all the previous week, plus he was really angry with me, & just wanted to talk to people. He seemed sincere & genuinely sorry & said he'd delete & remove all traces of it. I asked if it was just an ego boost or whether he intended to meet anyone he spoke to... he said he wasn't sure but said he didn't want to meet anyone from the site. In a way i could see his point, we were awful towards each other, but I was also hurt by the fact that he reacted so differently to me. I sat at home in tears every night, while he was getting friendly with girls online trying to forget me. We agreed that if either of us have problems & thinks that the relationship is dooomed, then we talk about it to avoid anything like this happening again. Anyway, we sorted things out & seemed to be getting on ok, though he knew i wouldnt trust him 100% again straight away. Yesterday, he was being a bit awkward with me, & it got me thinking about that website, mainly incase he still wasn't happy with me. I logged on to his msn account (he's forgot I know I know the password, I've never checked the account until now). All i wanted to do was check the emails to see when that website had been activated. It was as he said, only activated that week so he was telling the truth. However while I logged on the account, a girls conversation popped up. She seemed quite friendly so i replied "hi, sorry whos this?" and made up an exuse about not knowing her as my msn was playing up. she replied "the girl from the army barracks" I asked her what she meant, and she said the girl from "forces Pen pals". I said i still didnt quite remember who she was and as i became suspicious, i asked her if "i'd" slept with her. She replied yes. So i asked her to confirm when, and she said ages and ages ago. I asked if "i" had a gf at the time, she said no. And i quickly typed actually i've always had a gf while i've been at that barracks. The girl typed back that she found this whole thing embarassing and asked to be deleted from the msn account. So i did. When I was speaking to her, I instantly thought back to the time last year when we were going through a rocky patch, he had gone out with friends one night and I couldnt get hold of him until the next day. I am now assuming he was with her that night as he's always kept in regular contact with me everyday, every night. He told me while we started dating that he had never cheated on anyone, and would never as he's had it done to himself & knows what it feels like, so I always thought we'd be ok because I know i'd never treat anyone like that. I know he has this account, its a dating/pen pal site & he said he had it for when he goes to Afghanistan to meet & talk to people in the same situation & that most of his army pals all have it. You also need to pay for the site... My boyfriend is quite tight with his money, he won't pay for accounts like this, & is always trying to get a bargain from somewhere. I quickly logged on to see if the account had been paid for recently, (especially after him activating a dating site!). Thankfully, it hadn't, which makes me more certain that he met her on the site at last year as that was our one of two, rocky patches. After the past few weeks, my head is in complete turmoil. What should I do? We agreed to forget about the dating site, & concentrate on moving on, which I am happy with as the explanation, & the proof I found, & the fact he seemed genuinely sorry. He goes to Afghanistan in September so obviously we both want him to leave on good terms. I don't know if i should keep quiet about this girl on msn, as I have no reason to think that it wasnt a one off. Should I confront him about this girl, face spliting with him, and him thinking i am some detective that will never trust him again? I always said if he cheated on me, or anyone for that matter, then the relationship would be over. At the time, if i'd found out about this girl, it would have been over. But after us sorting things, should i just forget about it & concentrate on the present? Overall, we are good for each other, but i don't know if i bring up this girl, if we would survive. In my mind, aslong as it was a one off, baring in mind the things we've spoken about recently, I'd like to stay with him. Am I being stupid if I drop the whole thing? Id appreciate any response. Thank you
DollyGirl12 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard to tell whether he actually "cheated". If the two of you were officially split up when they actually slept together, as you said you had some rough patches? But, my biggest concern would be to be with someone, that when the going gets tough, within days they put up a personals ad. Personally, with me, I'm not sure if I could handle being with someone, long term, that did these kind of things, as it would end up degrading my self esteem and I would always feel on guard with them. Hope you get more advice here.
Author flowergirl86 Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard to tell whether he actually "cheated". If the two of you were officially split up when they actually slept together, as you said you had some rough patches? But, my biggest concern would be to be with someone, that when the going gets tough, within days they put up a personals ad. Personally, with me, I'm not sure if I could handle being with someone, long term, that did these kind of things, as it would end up degrading my self esteem and I would always feel on guard with them. Hope you get more advice here. I know what you mean, thats why I made him promise that he'd speak to me if he felt our relationship was in real trouble. Though, after that girl online, I am onot sure if promises will even stack up to anything. We have never officially broken apart from last week, so if he slept with this girl before, during a rough rocky patch or not, I think I would still class this as cheating? Its so difficult as I do not know what to do. I wnat to be with him so much, I don't know if my love for him is clouding my vision. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to regarding the situation as everyone that knows him thinks he is brilliant for me & at this moment in time, I don't think I want to damage that opinion.
betterdeal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Your poor thing. It sounds like a very upsetting thing to have to deal with. I think you're emotions are clouding your opinion a bit more than is good for you. Whether or not someone is cheating is up to how you two agree you will behave. It's normally implicit when people are in a couple that they don't sleep with others, but also that they don't flirt with others too much, spend too much quality time with one particular person (normally someone they can find sexually attractive i.e. a woman in the case of your boyfriend), listen to each other, give each other respect, that sort of thing. But is up to you guys to work out what works for you. What really matters is how this is making you feel, and it's plain to see you feel upset, confused and isolated. None of which is nice to deal with on its own, so all three together must be very hard on you. Maybe you can work on the easiest thing to start with, and that appears to be finding yourself a support network. Of course, people here at LS can be part of that. Finding some real life support will be good for you too. Maybe a therapist or a counsellor would be of help for you, especially if you feel unable to discuss these matters with your friends. Being able to discuss this with someone face to face can be a great relief. You might also want to re-consider the people you know IRL and see if one of them is a good person to talk to. Someone who is discrete (not a gossip) and doesn't dish out judgements frequently. Probably someone female, as the gender mix can cause issues. And someone who isn't allied more to your boyfriend than you. What about an old school friend, or your aunt or own mother even? It's someone to listen to you more than anything. To be there for you as a safe person, a haven, a cup of tea / coffee.
Flgirl44 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I would focus on the future if you really see it working out. But like the earlier post said there are a couple of red flags he dropped. Like "im mad so i talked to other girls", and the ease and quickness at which he was able to share himself with another woman. Marriage and relationships aren't easy and have ups and downs, you have to be afraid of people that cant stand by their own choices one way or another and flip flop around so easily. It shows no integrity and doesn't bode well for the continuity of a relationship.
Author flowergirl86 Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Your poor thing. It sounds like a very upsetting thing to have to deal with. I think you're emotions are clouding your opinion a bit more than is good for you. Whether or not someone is cheating is up to how you two agree you will behave. It's normally implicit when people are in a couple that they don't sleep with others, but also that they don't flirt with others too much, spend too much quality time with one particular person (normally someone they can find sexually attractive i.e. a woman in the case of your boyfriend), listen to each other, give each other respect, that sort of thing. But is up to you guys to work out what works for you. What really matters is how this is making you feel, and it's plain to see you feel upset, confused and isolated. None of which is nice to deal with on its own, so all three together must be very hard on you. Maybe you can work on the easiest thing to start with, and that appears to be finding yourself a support network. Of course, people here at LS can be part of that. Finding some real life support will be good for you too. Maybe a therapist or a counsellor would be of help for you, especially if you feel unable to discuss these matters with your friends. Being able to discuss this with someone face to face can be a great relief. You might also want to re-consider the people you know IRL and see if one of them is a good person to talk to. Someone who is discrete (not a gossip) and doesn't dish out judgements frequently. Probably someone female, as the gender mix can cause issues. And someone who isn't allied more to your boyfriend than you. What about an old school friend, or your aunt or own mother even? It's someone to listen to you more than anything. To be there for you as a safe person, a haven, a cup of tea / coffee. Thanks for your advice, I don't think I'd like to talk to anyone face to face about it. I've never really confided in anyone... I've never really been in a situation where I've felt so confused. I am lucky in that aspect. My really close friends have enough problems of their own to deal with, I don't really want to add to that. I'm always seen as the strong one in my group of friends, so for me to suddenly be a wreck would probably be stressful on everyone. My boyfriend is really the only person, out of even my family, that I could talk to and not feel judged in some way. I think thats another reason why I'm so confused about it all, he's not particularly close to his family either, and his best friends away from the army, not sure if its because they are guys, but they don't seem to ever have any heart to hearts, its always just a good laugh. I'd always been the one that he would confide in, and as it was our relationship that was suffering, I'm hurt that he jumped onto a dating site to chat to random people rather than me, regardless of whether or not he had any intention of taking things further than just a chat. I can't get my head round the fact that he has slept with another girl. Regardless of when it was, whether we were happy at the time, almost apart, who cares, it has broken my heart. Tried to look at the positive, at least it hadn't been an affair, I expect that would be much harder to deal with. The bottom line is, I don't know whether to tell him I know what he's done, or bury it in the sand. After sorting our problems last week, I'd felt that we were gonna be fine! We even organised camping trips etc in the next few weeks with our friends and time alone at a lodge at the end of the month. Now I am not sure I even want to go. I feel sick at the thought of another girl touching him, seeing him naked, kissing him, everything. The strangest thing about it all is, I feel like this just now, yet when i speak to him on the phone, the whole things goes out my head. Should I stay with him & see this week as a fresh start?
Kelemort Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 How do you know he's not just going to go off and sleep with another girl again? You're going on the assumption that this girl is the only other person he's been with, when really it's possible at this point he could've been with numerous women. He runs off to dating sites as soon as you have trouble. Well, you clearly have reason to believe now that he's not just chatting to people on these sites - he's looking for screwing partners. You need to bring this up with him and get it cleared up now. Whether it's in person or not (I'd suggest in person, but I can understand it's tough to organize your thoughts), you could start off with, "We've had a lot of troubles recently, and I know that most of them are resolved now, but I wanted to tell you about something I did. I was feeling worried and insecure about all of our troubles, and I logged into your MSN account. A girl started talking to me and she claimed that she had slept with you." See what he says. But really, I see a lot of trouble here, especially given that the two of you have such distance and you've had big, rocky patches where he runs off. Frankly, he sounds immature and unwilling to really commit to you. I think as long as you keep going, you will always have the thought in the back of your mind: "But who is he sleeping with?" I hope to God you're using condoms if you sleep with this guy - who knows where he's been.
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