Movingthrough Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) Hey everyone, I wanted to make a post about something that happened to me the other day that i think makes a great point of how much we ARE in control of our thoughts and how we deal with a breakup. I'm a self appointed information junkie, during my breakup i was hurt like everyone else on here, i devoured every book i could find on dating, breakups, male/female psyche - anything i could find on the topic. During that time things have become a lot more clear on why relationships happen the way they do, there seems to always be a set of "flags" that go along with how we end or begin the relationship that will lead us to an abrupt or bad ending. While the information is good to know, feeling it is what we all want, feeling it is the hardest part. Now on to my story.. For the last 6 months, every time i would drive to work i see the last place i saw my ex, a hotel not too far from work that is on a main road i have to use to get there. In the beginning, right after the breakup, i would stare straight ahead, wanting nothing to do with yet again another reminder of how hurt i was. As time went on i would sometimes look at it, stare, just to fight the battle and see if i could win, but every time, my mind would run wild with thoughts of my ex and i. Obviously, as time has gone by the thoughts were not as strong. Time does heal all wounds, but to see the last place you saw a person that has caused you so much emotion is not really the high point in any dumpees day. So, i drive by every day, since the first day of the breakup, always having a little part of my brain "itching" to look over and see where i saw her last, just to get some memory of her, even though we know it wont help. As time went on the itch was less and less, and things were settling down mentally for me, it wasnt that big of a deal to drive by there....that is usually when things become clearer.. I was driving home from work at the end of my day and had to stop at a drug store for some things. I drove by the hotel about a half mile, stopped at the light, and turned into the store parking lot. Behind the store was a couple restaurants, hotels, the normal stuff on the side of a major road near an interstate exit. As i walked out of the front door of the store, the hotel behind me looked familiar, i couldn't figure out why. I have stayed in this area a few times before i lived here doing some stuff for work, but i couldn't place it. I got in my car, started it and it hit me. This hotel a half a mile away, this hotel i have dreaded looking at every day for months, afraid of the memories it would bring back - was not even the right hotel - it was the one behind the drug store parking lot that i was sitting in. Because of how many times i have stayed in the area prior to my new job and prior to living here, i got them confused. My mind was so set that the one i drove by every day was the last place i saw my ex that i hadn't even gotten it right. This was an important moment for me, this showed me once again how much our perception and mindset play in a break up. I wasn't even looking at the right place that i last saw her in, but my mind was set, and it caused pain every time. The point of this story is i was able to use something i drove by everyday to inflict pain, emotion, and just an overall feeling of hurt because i THOUGHT it represented something, when in fact it was the wrong thing. Take a minute and think about the flip side of that, if we have the power to inflict such strong emotions and believe that something is what it is, how about using that for positive thoughts? Now every time i drive by there i think of what I'm typing here and how i can set my mind on the positive things about the breakup instead of using my head as a grave yard of emotions every time i see "reminders" of the past. If i was able to see an object and FEEL a certain way for months, even though it was the wrong object. How about feeling good and using perceptions and mindset to look at our breakup as a re-birth and not a loss? We have to be able to sit down and have an awareness that our mind is OUR mind, and what we are feeling CAN (as hard as it seems) be controlled, you just have to be aware of it. Everytime you see something, or feel something that hurts about your ex, STOP and know that its normal and while you may not be intentionally causing it, you are in control of it. The moral of the story is, you are in control, and just saying that will help ease the pain a little. Our brains and emotions did not come with a manual, but we have the power, dont forget that. Edited April 9, 2011 by Movingthrough
Mcnulty Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Cognitive behaviour therapy....we all have the power mentally, to change our perceptions and way of thinking.
nana841121 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 [i'm a self appointed information junkie, during my breakup i was hurt like everyone else on here, i devoured every book i could find on dating, breakups, male/female psyche - anything i could find on the topic. ] I have done the same things During that dark period. The book list included : <Why men marry Bitches> <Road less travelled> <He is just that into you> And since my ex's horoscope is scorpion, i googled all the info about personality analysis of Scorpion. I am a 26-year-old college teacher, and i still do the naive things i did when i was 18 year old
nana841121 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Your story is very motivating. Your love life turns you into a philosopher.
Author Movingthrough Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Why men marry Bitches How was this book? I almost read it, figured it would be interesting. Read this, it will help you a lot to understand the male psyche - http://www.amazon.com/Hazards-Being-Male-Surviving-Masculine/dp/0965762874/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1302376187&sr=1-1 The hazards of being male, great book that talks about why men are so "messed up" when it comes to emotions and breakups.
nana841121 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 How was this book? I almost read it, figured it would be interesting. Read this, it will help you a lot to understand the male psyche - http://www.amazon.com/Hazards-Being-Male-Surviving-Masculine/dp/0965762874/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1302376187&sr=1-1 The hazards of being male, great book that talks about why men are so "messed up" when it comes to emotions and breakups. Thanks for sharing About <why men marry bitches> , Throughout the whole book, it centered on telling women to be independent and having their own lives instead of focusing on men only. Human nature is characterized with desiring for something out of reach It's too late for me, 3:16 In china time zone Maybe later, i will quote some sentences from that book and post them here
zakfar Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks for sharing your story. I'm going to add this one in my subscribed threads list. This is exactly what I try to explain many people. We can indeed change the perceptions in our mind, change our priorities, and divert our feelings towards people whom we don't normally take that seriously.
Author Movingthrough Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Thanks for sharing your story. I'm going to add this one in my subscribed threads list. This is exactly what I try to explain many people. We can indeed change the perceptions in our mind, change our priorities, and divert our feelings towards people whom we don't normally take that seriously. Its an amazing thing where we put our exes in our mind, we make them almost superhuman. Everything that had to do with them is a "reminder" and seems to haunt us. Lately, this has been one of my vices, a lot of where i spend my free time, the time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying things, is where me and her were or "should" have been with plans. It always seems to be a constant reminder. What i tell myself though is the problem is not her, its not the breakup, its the mindset. Its the fact that this person still lingers as this being in my head that rules my thoughts. Its normal in a breakup yes, but like i have posted before, i look at it as a disease that has spread in my head. In other words, instead of thinking like its all about the ex, look at it as a mindset, a state of being, a state that is negative and bringing you down. The only way to fix that is to cut it out like a disease and rid yourself from it. Something as simple as thinking "Its not her/him, its the fact that I'm making it such a big deal, overplaying it in my head" can help your mindset. The bigger picture is usually what is at play, its not just the ex, its the disease that has spread BECAUSE of the breakup (a stressor). Usually if a breakup really hurts us, it means there were issues within us that were not right, our foundation had a crack and the breakup split that crack wide open, now we have to re-build our foundation. Its hard to put in words, and i wrote a "theory" on it a few weeks ago, but i think ultimately what we fight is the disease aspect of what the breakup did, most of us will say at one point "I don't even know why i care anymore" or something along those lines. Thats my point, it has spread and made us think that our negative thoughts are about them, when really its just something that spread into other things. Perspective is a huge topic that i think is overlooked in the break up process. NLP does a lot of work with that, where if you basically tell your self 100 times that you are feeling better or going too, or re-frame your thoughts to something else, eventually it will stick. Its hard but all these little things can pay off. Edited April 10, 2011 by Movingthrough
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