Are Relationships Disposable?

[smartblonde]

A friend sent me this article about the trend towards disposable relationships. I kinda agree with it, especially in the online dating scene. Thoughts?

 

Are disposable relationships ruining your chance at happiness?

 

You meet a match for coffee and you think she talks too much so you politely close her with a “sorry, no chemistry” email the next day. A match asks you out for dinner. You meet him, but you think his ears stick out too far and he’s just too boring so you close. Does this sound familiar?

 

When my Grandpa was a young adult he was perhaps the ugliest man that ever walked the face of the earth. On the other hand, my Grandma was absolutely gorgeous! She was a complete vision. When I look at their early photos together I think, “Oh my goodness, how did that happen?” As Grandma says, “Your Grandpa wasn’t a looker as a boy.” No joke! At any rate, he won her heart, but he really really had to work very hard for it! Why is this significant? Because when you have to work that hard for something you aren’t going to throw it away very easily. Change and compromise was a way of life for Grandma and Grandpa - - giving up on each other was NEVER an option!

 

Today giving up at the first hurdle we encounter in a relationship is our primary option when it should be our last which has given birth to “disposable relationships.” True there are plenty other fish in the sea, but often the problem isn’t the carp on the hook it’s the attitude of the person who is trying to real the fish in. Disposable relationships make it convenient to blame failure on the shortcomings of the other person because you know they are replaceable. Unfortunately, throwing the line back in the pond isn’t going to fix the problem. In time the disposable relationship mentality transforms into disposable emotions and eventually disposable people which devalues everyone.

 

Can you imagine 50 years ago your Grandpa buying your Grandma a drink and taking her home for sex? Could your Grandma and Grandpa have been “friends with benefits?” What would have happened if your Grandma had dumped your Grandpa for some chicken poop reason like we dump our dates today? Let’s say he forgot the anniversary of their first date together; would that have been reason for her to end the relationship? If so your Mom or Dad would never have been born and you wouldn’t exist.

 

There are very real reasons to end a relationship. Some examples are abuse or failure to get help for addiction. The reasons for most breakups today, however, aren’t even in the same universe! Sandy broke up with Carl because she’s not getting enough text messages. Randy broke off the engagement with Jill because he doesn’t think she says I love you enough. As my Grandma would say, reasons like these are chicken poop, but we can’t see it because when it comes to relationships, “Our generation is spoiled, lazy, and (emotionally) immature!” We expect the world from our partners but aren’t willing to give, compromise, or change ourselves in any way. Exactly how does that work? Oh, duh, it doesn’t!

 

From their very first date, my grandparents dedicated their lives to making the other person happy. They will tell you it is far more rewarding to put your partner’s needs, desires, and feelings before you own because that is what love is all about. They’ve been married over half a century so there just might be something to that philosophy.

 

If you are tired of being alone and sick of playing musical chairs with partners it is time to reengineer yourself into someone who doesn’t prescribe to the disposable relationship mentality. Do some real soul searching and ask yourself if you can do and give whatever it takes to make a relationship work then make sure that your next partner knows it! Reevaluate what is truly unacceptable and refuse to be treated or to treat people like they are disposable.

Edited April 9, 2011 by smartblonde

[Ross MwcFan]

Well, dating someone isn't exactly a relationship.

[daphne]

Preaching to the choir sister.

 

But even if you don't consider relationships disposable, there's no way to know that your partner doesn't either.

[Leeway Harris]

From their very first date, my grandparents dedicated their lives to making the other person happy.

 

That's a beautiful story about your grandparents, but this part doesn't ring true for me. You should totally commit yourself to anybody who you can talk into meeting you for a cup of coffee?

 

Also, your grandparents probably met each other and interacted with each other before that date, so at least they knew if they were attracted to each other. Your grandfather was probably very happy that this woman agreed to go out with him, so of course he worked hard to make her happy.

 

Now, with online dating, most actual "dates" are blind. The girl I went out with last night... well, there's absolutely no way I'm going to take the attitude you describe in the OP. She's wrong for me. Just plain wrong. If I had met her first, there would have been no date in the first place. So I'm supposed to throw myself into building a life with her, just because we had a date? That sounds like a recipe for misery.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I agree with this.

 

And my Grandma had the same thing happen, and I've seen it happen so many times in my family.

 

Sometimes settling is the best way to find love. People who have unrealistic expectations are only fooling themselves.

[daphne]

Lee -

 

I don't think she meant committing right off the bat when you're in early dating mode. I thought she was referring to making things work with people you're already in a relationship with.

[Leeway Harris]

Lee -

 

I don't think she meant committing right off the bat when you're in early dating mode. I thought she was referring to making things work with people you're already in a relationship with.

I would agree with that.

[Kelemort]

As a kid and young teenager, I always relied on romantic or kids' movies to teach me about love. It never dawned on me until I was older that what I was seeing unfold in movies was infatuation. But I think that a lot of people view love in just that way. When it stops being a high all of the time, they check out.

 

I think it's only normal to continually assess the playing field. Anytime something goes wrong in a relationship or a partner in some way fails our expectations, I think it's normal to entertain that fleeting thought, "If only I met someone else..." It's only when we really view the whole picture, see our partners as they are, and consider that the grass isn't always greener on the other side that we start to get ourselves together.

 

Ultimately, love is a game of settling. If you play the field forever, constantly looking for better, you will likely die cold and alone in your own bed (unless you're a lucky old guy, in which case your hot 20-year-old girlfriend is at your bedside counting your cash while you draw in your last breaths). Ultimately, you meet a partner and you're not going to like everything about that person. Sometimes you will be blazing mad when your partner displays a characteristic that you hate.

 

But that will be true of anybody you date. Sooner or later, you find your best possible match and settle down. And for success, yes, you must learn to put your needs second to those of your partner. Even from reading some posts on the loveshack forums, I think there's a really narcissistic approach toward love. Not enough this, not enough that? Break up. Doesn't matter how long you've been dating or what else makes you happy. Find better. Better, better, better...some folks here almost treat the people they date or those they're in relationships with like they're objects. Just like they're trading in an old car for something newer.

 

I see good things about this generation's approach to love compared to the older generations and the bad. In my family, almost all of my female relatives a generation or two back were beaten by their husbands. Many of them are still with abusive husbands after 40 or 50 years. They've never thought about leaving and act insulted when it's brought up. I could never imagine letting a man treat me that way - but that's the attitude many of them had.

 

On the other hand, I think there's a real...bitterness and jaded feeling about falling in love with somebody. I think there's a pervasive "I will screw her over so fast if she even thinks about screwing me over" attitude about falling in love or devoting yourself to somebody. Love isn't just something that falls upon you; it takes maintenance to keep that thing going.

 

I think a lot of folks treat getting married as the culmination of the marriage - the work is done, party! That's still just the beginning. That's a lifetime of not only having fun together (hopefully), but also working out the kinks and problems.

 

This generation is the product of a greater number of single and divorced parents. Most of the people here under 40 probably never saw healthy married relationships modeled by their own parents. When you don't have that experience, it can create a lot of troubles down the road as you try to figure out what a healthy, happy relationship actually looks and feels like.

 

But I also saw many loving, devoted relationships between my grandparents. My maternal grandfather was 20 years older than my maternal grandmother - she was 18 and he was 38. Her first husband was abusive, and I'm told my grandpa more or less rode in like a Knight in Shining Armor, took her off and they started a family. He worked multiple jobs to keep a roof over their heads and to buy her whatever she wanted. She died at age 42 after a 5 year battle with cancer. He was never the same after that and decided he never wanted to remarry because she was the woman for him.

 

Toward the end of my grandma's cancer battle, a woman from his church started blatantly hitting on him, asking him out, if she could make him dinner, etc. I'm told he rather...vocally embarrassed her after the services that morning.

 

But to make something last so long like that, you've got to find someone who is trustworthy and you have to let your guard down and trust somebody. That's been the greatest trouble in the relationships that I have had. My first boyfriend was so jealous and insecure that he convinced himself that I was cheating with my gay best friend, and he believed that was why I dumped him.

 

That guy was so immature that a few months after I dumped him, he showed up where I worked (I worked at our university at the time - I was in a copying center that overlooked the school cafeteria) with his new girlfriend and sat with her in a booth directly in my line of sight. He started cuddling with her and kissing her. I adjusted my seat so I wouldn't have to see the display. He looked over, saw he was out of my line of sight, then insisted that they move - to another booth directly in front of me, where he continued the procession.

 

And the sad thing is that although I'd like to say most people don't do stuff like that, I'd suspect many of them would. You can't have a lasting, secure, happy relationship where such distrust and jealousy is so rampant and unfounded.

 

It can be difficult to let the ghosts of past relationships go. I think I am to some extent still affected by my first boyfriend's antics, although it's now been years ago that we broke up. He harbored such bitterness and anger toward me - and I did nothing but kissed the ground he walked on and did everything for him! But the monster in him apparently decided that I was too good for him - either because of intelligence or looks - and so he looked everywhere he could for trouble that never really existed. He even accused me of sleeping with my gay friend whenever I would see him. As far as I know, he still believes he was cheated on.

 

 

In my current relationship, we have certainly had our ups and downs. He (unwittingly) inflicted a great deal of damage on me, and recovering from that can be tough. At the end of the day, I know I'll probably always stay with him.

[sumdude]

Preaching to the choir sister.

 

But even if you don't consider relationships disposable, there's no way to know that your partner doesn't either.

 

Amen sister, learned that the hard way. But I could have seen the red flags with my ex wife. She learned about marriage and relationships from her extremely dysfunctional broken home. I suppose after my experience I'm a bit jaded but I still hold out hope that one day someone will come along that I click with who also sees a commitment as a good thing. The reality that there will be bad years or series of years and the only way is through it not to jump ship at the first sign of rough seas.

[fishtaco]

First like Ross said, dating isn't relationship. In a relationship people are supposed to be committed.

 

But dating is the time you're trying to figure out if the other person is psycho. I'm sure we can all agree that picking the wrong person to be our relationship partner can be quite miserable. So of course when you see a bad sign, you bail.

 

I don't believe for one single second, that once you have that first coffee date, you are locked in for life. Just so you can do the "let's not be disposable thing". Makes no sense to me.

 

For better or for worse, times are different now. The old way of thinking doesn't work today.

 

This is my general guideline for me. Non-exclusivity, I'm in problem avoidance mode. Exclusivity, I'm in problem solving mode.

[Cee]

I don't think the good old days were that great.

 

I can think of several couples in my parents generation who divorced after 25-30 years of marriage. Usually it was the man leaving after the kids were grown. My uncle left my aunt after 25 years of marriage saying he was gay. And then one of my mom's friends left her husband of 20 years and came out as a lesbian.

 

Staying together for the sake of the kids sounds like a horror show, imo.

 

I think behind the doors of those "perfect" marriages was a lot of misery.

[Woggle]

They are these days. People should expect relationships not work out so they are not let down and if they do work out they will be pleasently surprised.

[Pyro]

They are these days. People should expect relationships not work out so they are not let down and if they do work out they will be pleasently surprised.

 

no I prefer to wake up everyday in a good mood rather than be a Debbie downer. Sorry.

[Woggle]

I am not a Debbie Downer but I am realistic. Modern relationships are a very unstable and unreliable thing and it is best to not expect much from them.

[Pyro]

I am not a Debbie Downer but I am realistic. Modern relationships are a very unstable and unreliable thing and it is best to not expect much from them.

 

I am being realistic too when I say that there are still plenty of successful relationships out there. Try to enjoy life some.

[sumdude]

I don't think the good old days were that great.

 

I can think of several couples in my parents generation who divorced after 25-30 years of marriage. Usually it was the man leaving after the kids were grown. My uncle left my aunt after 25 years of marriage saying he was gay. And then one of my mom's friends left her husband of 20 years and came out as a lesbian.

 

Staying together for the sake of the kids sounds like a horror show, imo.

 

I think behind the doors of those "perfect" marriages was a lot of misery.

 

No such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect anything. Clearly some should've ended or never happened. But a lot lasted and still last because two people were committed to making it work. Nothing worthwhile happens without a lot of work. Nothing lasts without constant maintenance.

[threebyfate]

There are no guarantees in life.

[Imajerk17]

Dating: I'd say there is something at play here called the Paradox of Choice, which basically says that people generally are actually less happy with more options, past a certain point. Give me 5 flavors of ice cream to chose from and I'll probably find one I like and be happy with it. I'll get my flavor and not think about the other flavors I passed up. Give me 100 flavors and I might be overwhelmed, and not happy with what I chose. I'll have a harder time picking, and I'll wonder what I missed out on in the flavors I didn't pick.

 

This I think really holds true for online dating because we not only have all these options, but we don't even know how good these options really are. Especially for women--you go out on a date with a guy and he seems nice but you wonder about the chemistry and if any of the 10 emails in your box represent better, but who knows if those guys writing you are flakes or players. It's hard to know whether someone would be good for you just going by profiles, emails, or even one date. Crazy times.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Imajerk17]

Dating: I'd say there is something at play here called the Paradox of Choice, which basically says that people generally are actually less happy with more options. Give me 5 flavors of ice cream to chose from and I'll probably find one I like and be happy with it. Give me 100 flavors and I might be overwhelmed, and not happy with what I chose.

 

This I think really holds true for online dating because we not only have all these options, but we don't even know how good these options really are. Especially for women--you go out on a date with a guy and he seems nice but you wonder about the chemistry and if any of the 10 emails in your box represent better, but who knows if those guys writing you are flakes or players. You also can't know if someone is a good match just going by profiles, emails, or even one date. Crazy times.

[TuffCookieX]

Dating: I'd say there is something at play here called the Paradox of Choice, which basically says that people generally are actually less happy with more options. Give me 5 flavors of ice cream to chose from and I'll probably find one I like and be happy with it. Give me 100 flavors and I might be overwhelmed, and not happy with what I chose.

 

This I think really holds true for online dating because we not only have all these options, but we don't even know how good these options really are. Especially for women--you go out on a date with a guy and he seems nice but you wonder about the chemistry and if any of the 10 emails in your box represent better, but who knows if those guys writing you are flakes or players. You also can't know if someone is a good match just going by profiles, emails, or even one date. Crazy times.

 

I couldn't pay a therapist enough to decipher the reason I've felt this way... you just reasoned everything I've ever felt about my dating life.

 

Even after coming home from a GREAT date, I'll find myself back on the dating websites reading e-mail after e-mail and thinking, "what if?..."

[sumdude]

Dating: I'd say there is something at play here called the Paradox of Choice, which basically says that people generally are actually less happy with more options. Give me 5 flavors of ice cream to chose from and I'll probably find one I like and be happy with it. Give me 100 flavors and I might be overwhelmed, and not happy with what I chose.

 

This I think really holds true for online dating because we not only have all these options, but we don't even know how good these options really are. Especially for women--you go out on a date with a guy and he seems nice but you wonder about the chemistry and if any of the 10 emails in your box represent better, but who knows if those guys writing you are flakes or players. You also can't know if someone is a good match just going by profiles, emails, or even one date. Crazy times.

 

Yeah life seems to resemble "Seinfeld" more and more every day.

 

OMG he picked his nose once!

 

Dude her left tittie had a hair on it!

 

He doesn't know I before E except after C!

 

She snorts when she laughs!

 

His/her ______(s) are a little small.

 

Shrinkage!

 

 

Hell with it, I've been a little guilty myself. But I'm at the point where I just try to meet someone. Spend enough time around them to see what they're really about. Someone's true colors come out when the s%$# hits the fan. I've had plenty of relationships (not just romantic ones) get rocky and I will always fight to keep them alive until it's obvious that there is no chance of reconciliation. It's all about compassion, trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes and the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and ask "Well, where did I eff up?"

[J200]

My grandfather and grandmother stayed married until they died but my grandfather had NUMEROUs kids with other women. He had like other families with different women and my grandmother had to deal with that her entire life. I would rather stay single than deal with that; a marriage like that is not worth it to me.

[musemaj11]

If you want a loyal partner, get a partner who is less than you.

 

For women, get an ugly man and for men, get a poor woman (with prenup of course).

[Pyro]

If you want a loyal partner, get a partner who is less than you.

 

For women, get an ugly man and for men, get a poor woman (with prenup of course).

 

:lmao:

[threebyfate]

:lmao:

Duct tape and rope work better!