How?

[Omei]

How do you end a relationship? that you adore so much but its no longer healthy and there is a child involved, I feel like I have hit bottom in my relationship, im 24 he 21 we have good days but our bad days are so very, very ugly....I don't know if I can wait for him to grow up anymore, he still lives with his family when we fight his mom comes and hugs him...it makes me wanna slap him for some reason, he says im embarressed but I think its because I cant believe how babied he is and sometimes I just cant handle it. I feel like im addicted to my relationship, hes got good looks and he makes me feel good when hes not at home and he's here he seems like a man but once a return happens its just like hes a boy again. Sometimes I wonder if I hold on for my daughter, she's 4 and so attached...idk how I can tell her she wouldnt see him anymore, Im so tired of the distance its been 2 1/2 years I DONT KNOW if I can take anymore, the pain is overhelming, im going through a really tough time right now...im being forced out of my place with my daughter...and I dont know what will happen, stuff with my SO has changed too fast and dramatically over the last half year, he doesn't seem to realize what a tough time im having atm...and bitches at me when I talk to other people about problems, I would talk to him about them but when we fight one of his points is "I listened to your problems dont i get credit for that I had to hear like an hour of your issues" and when that happens I feel like he's not there for me...not really...not at all.

 

I'll come clean...im a very lonely girl, I wonder if i hold on because I think maybe one day the problems will go away when the LD ends because in RL our issues are 0% maybe honeymoon phase each time?? idk. Im so scared for my daughter I dont want her to go through another "guy" being there then suddenly not there she handled the last so horribly and she was only 2, shes so smart im afraid.

 

Has anyone sunk this low and come out? I dont know if im at a time where LDR seems unbearable and im finding issues and if i hold on the rocks will pass or if it's all seriously crumbling...he thinks everything is TOTALLY fine...but I dont know if I can do this anymore!!!

Edited April 9, 2011 by Omei

[folieadeux]

I've always said this, but I really think you two are in such different places in your lives right now. I would lay everything out for him once and for all and if he isn't willing or able to make some changes, then you'll have to put an end to it. I realize it'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do if it gets to that point, but you really don't sound all that happy at all with how things are going now anyway.

 

You said it yourself, maybe you're hanging on because you're lonely...but it really isn't worth just settling for a relationship that clearly doesn't make you happy just for the sake of having someone there. You deserve better.

 

As far as your daughter goes, I'm sure she'll be devastated if you break up but having her around all the stress and fighting if you are together doesn't help the situation either. Even if the pair of you don't fight in front of her, kids are smart and pick up on all sorts of non-verbal cues. I'm sure she senses things are not right now anyway.

 

I think you have to ask yourself if the distance were to be resolved tomorrow, if you would still be having second thoughts about the relationship. To me, the issues you have with him extend far beyond the miles between you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you thought of separating or trying a "healing seperation" to try to work out both your and his issues. Since you have a daughter it might be something to consider. At the very least you could end your relationship on a high note.

 

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Alberti1.html

 

http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Agreements.pdf

 

http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Explanation.pdf

[wild_urge]

Omg, I wrote this huge message and managed to erase it somehow. I'll have to make it short this time.

I think that you are lucky that you have someone like your guy. He's 21, he's really young, it's time to party for him, and instead you want to tie him down. Look, you have a child and that makes your life pretty hard I'm sure, but he didn't sign up for a child, this is a huge commitment he's made to you. Most guys would run away instantly! I know that you want him to be more supportive and to act responsible, but he is already! You should give him the credit. Your situation is though, I understand, but he's extremely young for a family and yet, he's been with you for the past 3 years and it LD! That means a lot. Let him go out with friends once or twice a week, now is the time in a few years, when you do get together, he won’t be able. Don't punish him for something that is not his fault.

[Omei]

Omg, I wrote this huge message and managed to erase it somehow. I'll have to make it short this time.

I think that you are lucky that you have someone like your guy. He's 21, he's really young, it's time to party for him, and instead you want to tie him down. Look, you have a child and that makes your life pretty hard I'm sure, but he didn't sign up for a child, this is a huge commitment he's made to you. Most guys would run away instantly! I know that you want him to be more supportive and to act responsible, but he is already! You should give him the credit. Your situation is though, I understand, but he's extremely young for a family and yet, he's been with you for the past 3 years and it LD! That means a lot. Let him go out with friends once or twice a week, now is the time in a few years, when you do get together, he won’t be able. Don't punish him for something that is not his fault.

 

 

That's a good point, and I guess since I complain a lot about it on here a lot of you might think I bitch at him for going out, I rarely complain at him about going out he go's out *almost everynight* so it's not just a I should let him go out once and a while I personally think im pretty chill with how often he go's and I say nothing and I do complain to him when 2 weeks or so will go by and I feel like he's barely made any time for me and it can get pretty huge because im told that im being rediculous, I feel like in most relationships whenever I express my feelings its retaliated with how I shouldn't be feeling this way instead of being listened at. We have a date night now it's only been in effect for the last 2 weeks so far, and it took me a damn long time to get this.

 

folieadeux from the start of our relationship we both knew how different we were in our lives and we still wanted to try against those odds, sometimes I get real tired of waiting real tired of watching him make mistakes I did when I was 18 and real tired of seeing him being babied, he gets babied at home a lot, for the most part im happy but then ill have a day where im just sick of the distance and everything, when we met things were one way and he's growing so fast and things are changing so much sometimes I wonder if I can even keep up, im the kinda of person that likes things to stay just the way they are.

 

One of the biggest issues I have right now is with his family, he still lives at home, I moved outta home when I was 18, I understand that in america it's a huge thing to live at home all the way untill you're done school and started your career but to watch him get babied day after day, sometimes it gets real hard to veiw him as an adult, his computer is put into the family room and whenever we talk good or bad our whole relationship is open for his whole family to see our private conversations, he's got a brother of 19 and 2 sisters of 14, a house full of teens. When we have a disagreement I have to go through a "UGHHHH" from his sister's or a "Get yo balls back man!" from his brother, once even his mother came to hug him while we were speaking and at the point I walked away I just couldnt look at him. There's 0 privacy for us and after 2 1/2 years im so sick of it someimes I just avoid talking with him because I know as soon as I start a converstation and anyone takes interest ill be overthrown with all his siblings speaking to him and it will no longer be our conversation sometimes I dont even bother talking, I really think he has trouble understanding how year after year of this I can be so sick of it, he doesn't get this issue from me I live alone he's got 100% privacy with whatever he wishes to say to me and without having a 3rd wheal to throw in their opinion, god it bothers me 14 year olds throw in their 2 cents sometimes they've never even been in relationships, watching his mother wait hand and foot on him drives me nuts, when I lived in my parents house I had to get my plate of food I didn't have it served to me lol, ive been thinking lately how much this has been bothering and im really tempted to just go back to full on typing.

 

I have not spoken to him since I first made this post, im taking a break he's okay with it...I really need space. I don't know how im feeling, I still love him but I feel distant for now...I feel drained from the distance he's supposed to be comming here for next month but ive told him if he wants to come this time to mail me his half of the money pior visit to pay for flight with the recent squabbles and all the RL issues I have got going on like being forced out of my place I have a post on here in rants called "Neighbors from Hell!!!" I just dont have the energy to plan everything, usually im the planner but I think he can worry about it all, his life is care free and handed and he doesn't seem to ever have a problem I told him to do it for once. I dont want the extra stress of planning a trip, I hope no one says "if you really love him...bla bla" I do im just exsausted of being the one to plan and hold everything together.

 

I just wanna say as a couple we've been pretty strong for the most part, we have A LOT of happy times and the only time I ever come on here is to rant when I feel lost, I dont really post any good times, who does.

Edited April 10, 2011 by Omei

[TokyoG33kyGal]

you cannot compare the life you live when you were 18 to anyone else. people are different. you may not have complained directly to him about his behaviors which annoy you the most but you are wishing he could have been more mature or responsible with his age. the change must come from him or he will feel suffocated.

 

when relationships end it does not mean you have failed. you get a learning experience from it and he will too. in time you will be able to look back on those good memories and be thankful that it ended. it gives you an opportunity to look for your match.

[hoping2heal]

From the way you speak about things now you seem dissapointed and judgemental of his behavior. No one wants to feel that way from their partner. Your BF is acting pretty "normal" for his age. Yes, some people are forced to "mature" quicker than others but going out all of the time, still being attatched to family, etc. I think that is pretty common for his age group. I can understand your annoyance with it also, but as another poster said you both are on different pages in your life and I think as time goes on it becomes more and more apparent and that is what is erroding your relationship.

 

If he is used to going out and partying all of the time now and his family ties etc. I think if he were to move "today" to your house, I think it wouldn't be but a few weeks and he would be exhibiting all of the same behaviors that he is now, there. He's young and free and I was pretty immature at that age too and I am glad I went through that. I am glad I got to experience it, and I matured in time and with age, not because someone made me feel like I had too.

 

I think you want him to be someone he just isn't and again, the day you start "looking down at" your partner, is a day anyone needs to consider their relationship. It's normal to get angry with, annoyed by, and feel dissapointed in but to the extent that you are judging him..that just is not good for any relationship.