Back Burner Gal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I did the online dating thing for about six months. Then I let the subscription stop; I'd either rejected or been rejected by everyone in my demographic. The thing is, I've deleted my account about six weeks ago, and yet every couple days I go back online to look and browse. Very few new people show up. There's the same old crew. Why am I looking? Part is that there are no other real alternatives. Most of the people I work with are attached, female, or got some real problems (drinking, gambling, drugging, or hard hitting players). Drinker gamblers and players can be fun to pal around with in a social group or hang out with once in a while==they are some of the most charming amusing people on earth--but I don't want a relationship with them. So I think---where are the single men, the ones who want to meet single women? Online dating of course. So I go back and look. There's nothing to participate for, I'm not going to sign up (there's not one new). I'm addicted. But I noticed something; I'm not the only one. I had 42 'favorites', so when I go online I check them out. For whatever reason, nothing progressed, or I have just a phone or email relationship with them, and know nothing will ever progress. One guy is someone I work with, way on the other side of the building. I didn't even know we worked together until we discovered it online. He said it made him uncomfortable to date someone from work. I understood, but he said he felt so uncomfortable knowing I was also online he was going to take his profile down. And he did. But before he did he wrote me a longish email telling me exactly what departments he worked in and used to work in, all his other profile names, and said I'd probably heard of his reputation. (huh? no, I had no idea, still don't, and thought it weird). He said he'd been online for a couple years and didn't take it seriously but thought it was amusing. He told me about the other people from our business who were on the site too. So he took his profile down. I sort of felt bad. I was on my last couple weeks so I was sorry he was giving up something he liked simply because I existed. But after three days it was up again. And he goes on every evening, including most weekend evenings. He's online right now, 8:30 on a Friday night. It was seeing him there tonight that made me realize I'm addicted, because I think he's addicted. He's online every night for the last two years, including dating nights. He has a funny attractive profile, is a handsome man, makes about $120,000--he could get a woman if he wanted one. He could get dates. He could go out on an occasional Friday or Saturday night--and yet, he never does. He's browsing online. He recently updated his profile, he added a picture. He's tweaking his profile. For what? To stay at home? And he's not the only one. Several of the ones I've gotten to know over the last six months are doing the same. I at least went out. I had about 14 first dates, 5 second dates and two that evolved into four or five dates. I got lots of email interest at first, but couldn't get many to get their butts out of their chair and into a Starbucks or a Denny's to meet face to face. Not even one of these 42 I have gotten to know--guys who are online night after night, claiming to want to find the one, but never taking the opportunity presented. What's this phenomenon? The one I mentioned is looking for women within a hundred miles of his location, but mentions in his profile that he doesn't want to date a location 15 miles from us because it's too far. I realized the browsing can be an addiction. One I seem to have myself. I'm going cold turkey. No more logging in 'just to see'. I don't know even why I was doing that. I don't want to be part of the phenomenon. What's the rationale behind what these guys are doing?
Author Back Burner Gal Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Bump because it's sort of the same topic as Begin Again's other thread.
Cee Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Online dating can be an addiction. You are bored and lonely on a Friday night and there's tons of people online. I've been there and it amounts to nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't have any friends when I left my ex. I was terrified to do this, but I started going out alone on weekends. It was boring and lonely at first, but then I developed interests and meeting people. I also joined social groups and took classes and met more people. And met their friends. I met a man through this socializing I was doing. Not at first, but after a couple of years. Now I have a boyfriend, 5 close friends, and a ton of social friends. The turnaround in my life is nothing short of a miracle. Disable your profile and when you have the urge to search, go out and take a walk or go to a movie, play, or bookstore alone. I personally love hanging out alone in bookstores. Not to cruise guys, but to be around people and check out cool books to expand my horizons.
MarlyStar Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Well, it's not just something men do. As the other thread shows, women do it too. And if you read men's profiles, sometimes they say something like, "If you aren't taking this seriously, don't waste my time with emails, winks, etc..." So I guess they are exasperated by the voyeurs too.
daphne Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 It's an odd phenomenon isn't it? For a while, I think I was on there every day myself because I had received emials from about 15 interesting profiles at the same time. I'm pretty picky so I was surprised and excited. Until I went through them all and realized that most of them are kinda addicted and not looking to get out of their chairs and meet, or we're not compatible. Online has good and bad. But I suspect that there are far more that are surfing to while the time away and fantasize about the perfect woman than are actually seriously looking for a relationship. That might be too much work. However, of the men I have actually met, many were decent options if I had had chemistry and compatibility with one of them. More so than I can meet out in a club by myself. I have very mixed feelings about it.
oaks Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 The thing is, I've deleted my account about six weeks ago, and yet every couple days I go back online to look and browse. Very few new people show up. There's the same old crew. Why am I looking? It could be an addiction, but if you're serious about looking to find someone then try swapping to a different site where many of the people will be new (or at least, new to you). I just deleted a profile from a pay dating site - my subscription expired a couple of months ago - but I had a look around doing some of the same searches I was doing before and saw many of the same faces as before. I even exhausted all the possibilities on OKCupid about a month ago (but at least that has a high influx of new people for my area).
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