Worthington Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Hey All, Trying not to go to people that know us and get some feedback from non-biased parties. Short history about us: I've been married, am 29, rushed into the wrong marriage for the wrong reasons. I've grown a lot and know what I want in life and from a woman now. She and I met, things were just easy. We met on eharmony and I think they really do a great job synching you up with someone you really click with if you are honest with the questions they ask. Things have been easy for quite some time. Nearly no fights etc. We both accept each other for who we are faults and all. It's nice, I feel like I can just live life with her and don't have to change who I really am. I can also accept her as a person. We have been together a year and lived together for 6 months. Again things have been great -even living with 2 other roommates and being crammed in a small room with a tiny closet (she has a ridiculous amount of clothes). I proposed a few months ago, I felt that we accepted each other for who we were... Had lived together awhile and things were very real and that it just made sense. She has many qualities I love and more importantly I just feel like we can live life together being who we are (neither trying to change the other) and be happy. Her family approved before I asked. Well, shortly after we start having issues. A couple things that are concerning me. I had been playing video games (note, not ignoring her. I'll come home, cook dinner with her, talk about each other's day, play some card games or board games together and/or wtach a show together) then after I'll play for a bit while she watches a show of hers or something. I do NOT ignore her nor am one of those people that obsesses about something and neglects people/things in their life. She starts having issues iwth me playing... I am thinking, I don't neglect her, we spend quality time together every night -what does it matter what I do when she's watching housewives or something? I've stopped playing for the time being after quite a few arguments about it. She states she gives me space etc but I disagree. Next, I had to work an hour late (I work a normal 40 hour week normally). I have been getting back into the gym and so I get home and am getting ready for the gym. She throws a fit because I won't be back until 7:30/8 and then we'll have no time together.... REALLY?? She and I both agree staying fit is important. I workout typically an hour a day. So she's pissed at me that night because I'm neglecting her?? Again I get pissed, that's just ridiculous. I don't even enjoy working out but it's a necessary evil. Then, another night I come home, workout, then I run to go tanning (I go a couple times before summer so I won't burn when summer hits) and then grab a bottle of wine for dinner... I get home around 7:30 and again she throws a fit. "Why don't you take your stuff for working out to work with you, why don't you workout in the morning, why don't you structure your day around mine so we'll havemore time together"... ?? I LIVE with her, I spend 90% of the time I have to share with someone with HER. Give me a break..... In the beginning of our relationship I told her I'm a big car enthusiast and that I enjoy racing. That that would never change so if it was a problem I needed to know. She was supportive. Well, it's been a year and the first road racing day is coming up. I'm super excited as I haven't gone in a year. I have a drivers class tonight, then the race tomorrow. She gets all pissed because I'm going to be in the mandatory class tonight and she wanted to spend time with me and i'll be gone all day tomorrow.... I don't get it. If you love someone you should support them in things they are passionate about and good grief, I've not gone for a YEAR. She mentions she wishes she could go spend $250 to do something for a day... Well I have no debt, make six figures and have savings... I can afford to do this -she has debt, makes far less and I shouldn't be given a hrd time for doing this period. At this point I'm feeling super smothered. I'm feeling like I can't do anything on my own or she is going to get worked up. I want to let it all out but I'm trying to think of a way to do it that isn't going to cause a huge problem. I do know it's going to come out soon and she won't like what I have to say but I don't see any other way if this continues. I don't want to feel like every moment is wrapped around her. I give her the majority of the time I have to spend with people and that should be enough. We get a few hours at least every night and I pretty much never go out "with the guys". I need someone who can accept me for who I am and who isn't going to try to change/control me. I'll do the same for them... None of this was an issue until recently but now I'm really concerned. I don't do anything destructive to our relationship, I do many thoughtful things and treat her wonderfully. Am I out of line with my thinking?
ilani Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 no. but i suggest you have an earnest talk with her about how you feel and try to find out why she's suddenly insecure. you just asked her to marry you right? maybe she thinks that since you guys have decided on marriage, now you're gonna not try to be there for her anymore and you're gonna do whatever you want cuz you have her already. not saying this is a good reason, but it could be a weird justification in her head for why she's acting like this.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Sounds like you rushed into things and are just now realizing what sort of a person she really is. My guess is she's really insecure and has low self-esteem, and is clinging to you as her only comfort in life. She is going to have to do ome work on herself if you guys expect to have a happy relationship. It might be a good idea to give her, and yourself, some space at this point, maybe make her move out of your house (I'm assuming it was your place first?). Basically, force her to be self-reliant. If she can't do that, that should be a telltale sign of how things are set to be headed in the future.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Oh boy get to marital counseling because either you are detached, she's clingy or both. Just get in there before it becomes to big of a push and pull.
WellLetsSee Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) I guess the one option would be to get you two guys talking and especially listening (!) to each other. Which is really tough in these kinds of situations. Especially when one is scared as she seems to be. I doubt honestly that she will have the capabilities to really openly listen to you. She seems to have developed a serious fear of abandonment. This is one of humans core fears and once that is triggered the person will be dominated by their fears. I guess the only starting point of a real conversation here would be if you get her to open up and own up for what is really going on with her instead of acting out by trying to controll you. But she will need a lot of emotional security to do that. She probably needs to be sure that she will not be judged for her need of security and fear of abandonment and rather be respected with it. And I am wondering if you have the openness for this right now, since you are obviously feeling upset, angry and helpless because you need autonomy and respect for your choices and needs as well. Probably it is better for right now to find other people who listen to what you need to really feel that you are heard and understood (like here in the forum) and maybe then when you are a bit more at peace with yourself you might actually take a step to approach her. The other thing is that it is your responsibility to set boundaries - so regardless whether the two of you manage to talk about it and find ways to deal with it that suits the needs of all of you, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Do not ever do anything for another person that you are not freely willing to do. So for the time being you could for example tell her: "I hear that you wish me stay home with you and spend time together, since this means a lot to you. But I will still be going to the training tomorrow since this is really important to me. I know you are not happy about this, but this is what I am going to do. And I wont be listening to you telling me that what I am doing is wrong. Honestly I think we have a real problem at the moment and I would love to talk about all this and especially here how you feel about us, when we have the time to focus and listen to each other properly, since this relationship really means a lot to me and I hope we can work it out. But I am not willing to talk right now, because what would come out of me mouth right now would not serve either of us really." It probably will take very much courage from you to say that but in this way you would not be invalidating her feelings and make clear that you care about the relationship while at the same time you are not willing to give in to her demand to stay home. She wont be happy and protest I am quite sure, but thats her problem for the moment. Edited April 12, 2011 by WellLetsSee
WellLetsSee Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Oh boy get to marital counseling because either you are detached, she's clingy or both. Just get in there before it becomes to big of a push and pull. I actually think that marital counselling might be of help here - see the process that I was describing above can be helped greatly if their is a mediator who can majorly help you two start talking to each other.
stace79 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Obviously there are three sides to every story - yours, hers and the truth. Assuming that everything you wrote is completely honest and true, I think that you are being reasonable. If you are making an effort to spend time with her and then desire some equal time to pursue your own hobbies, that seems healthy and reasonable. I'm wondering if anything else changed to make her begin acting this way. I would try one of two things - if you think you can arrange a time to discuss it with her honestly but not in anger, then you should do that. I would tell her "I perceive that I am doing X, Y and Z to spend time with you and develop our relationship. But I also need to have time to enjoy my hobbies of racing, working out and playing a video game sometimes. What do you think I should be doing differently?" Then let her explain her point of view, without interrupting. Maybe there is something going on with her that you're not aware of. If you think things are too tense, then I'd enlist the help of a counselor. If you are at all religious, a lot of times pastors will talk with newly engaged couples or may even offer premarital counseling. That way you have an unbiased mediator to keep things on focus and civil. Good for you for trying to be flexible and for wanting to work things out instead of just calling it quits!
D-Lish Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hi OP, I became that girl in my last relationship- and it eventually drove a wedge between us. My circumstances were a little different, I became needy after I had a miscarriage and I just changed into this person I look back on and cringe over. I can tell you that these behaviours are driven by insecurity. When a person doesn't feel loved, sometimes they go out of thier way to force it. I know I really needed to connect with my SO after the miscarriage, so I tried to control the reconnection- not realizing how much I was pushing him away in doing so. I became the same way, I wanted to see him ALL the time, and I'd get upset when he'd want to do other things. I viewed him wanting to do other things as meaning he didn't want to be with me, and the more I thought like that, the more I tried to control things. What your SO is doing is relying on YOU to make HER happy, instead of relying on herself, and that's putting A LOT of pressure on you. My suggestion to you is to talk to her about it right away. I am fine in a relationship when the other person makes me feel secure. I never cared initially that my SO wanted to go golfing or hang out with his friends- because he always made me feel like a million dollars when we were together. Maybe when the two of you talk you can find out what she needs from you to make her feel more secure in the relationship. For me, it was really small things, and it may be the same for her. But you have to talk to her, and most importantly you have to let her know what she is doing to push you away and give her the opportunity to change things before it's too late.
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