manders_01 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I am trying to put myself out in public settings (as opposed to being the total homebody that I am) in order to meet someone. I feel like I am attractive and my build is average / athletic. But I have yet to even be looked at, never mind approached. Could it be because I go out alone, should I be with friends? Might I be too engrossed in sports on the TV in bar that people avoid interrupting me? Am I not going to the right places to be approached (bars, coffee shops, bookstores, sporting events, parks, gym)? Could I be coming off as aloof, angry, unhappy, etc. if I don't have a smile plastered on my face at all times? Might my clothing choices detract from being approached? I know that I could approach men but I've just gotten myself to a place physically that makes me think that I can be approached (as I never have been before) and I'd like to experience that rush that comes from a guy needing to come talk to me. I'm sorry for asking such general and vague questions but I just can't quite wrap my head around why no one seems to be interested in me.
optomistic_nonsense Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Well I see you live in Denver, very nice population there. Maybe try going out with another girlfriend. Have you tried meeting people online? If you're employed, is meeting someone at work a possibility?
Author manders_01 Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Well I see you live in Denver, very nice population there. Maybe try going out with another girlfriend. Have you tried meeting people online? If you're employed, is meeting someone at work a possibility? I have done online dating. I didn't get much out of it (very few inquires, most that did obviously hadn't actually read my profile). I decided that because I really do want that rush I mentioned in my original post to take them down. Maybe it's time to put them back up. I am self-employed so my actual work is not a possibility. But I do look at the work I do as an opportunity to meet someone. Thanks for your reply!
spiderowl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I don't know why you are not being approached. I find if I go out to coffee bars and places like that that it's not long before someone catches my eye and smiles. I know from experience that if were to respond by smiling back, that would signal to them that I would not be averse to being approached. I don't tend to do this much because in the past I made great efforts to avoid being approached by guys, I was too shy and scared of them! I think there are some things you could think about, to see if it would make any difference. Clothing - not greatly significant and must be your own personal choice. One thing that might make a difference is that if you look too smart or puritanical that might be offputting. Looking relaxed and at home in their clothing makes someone look more friendly and approachable. Body language - you could be shutting people out with your body language. If you are focusing on a book, TV or whatever and never glance around you to see who's around, that is a clear signal you don't want to be disturbed. No-one wants to approach someone who looks glum or irritated, so looking relaxed or showing an occasional smile is better. Are you turning sideways away from people or turning your back on them? Those are clear signals to keep away. I have a friend who turns away like this and sort of 'shrugs' them off. She looks serious and never smiles at them. She wonders why nice guys never approach her. If you look serious and busy, maybe writing in a diary, checking your watch, tapping on your mobile, they won't want to interrupt. Looking as if you've got time for a chat might help. Points of interest - what do you carry with you or wear that could give someone a chance to start a conversation with you? A book that guys might also like to read? A gadget. An interesting piece of jewellery. A magazine on a hobby that guys often share. A colourful jacket or scarf? If a guy wants an excuse to chat to you, are you helping him by carrying something like this? Making contact - guys are less likely to approach you if there is no obvious contact. If you never look in their direction, they can't catch your eye, for example. If you sit with your back to them as opposed to opposite or slightly to the right or left, they can't catch your eye or smile at you. Also, you could build bridges with them. Catch their eye and smile, doesn't have to be a flirty smile, just friendly. Offer them your newspaper if you've finished reading it. Ask them something, like do you they know the best place to get a sandwich or where is a good place to go to see a gig. It's all about building bridges, not cutting people out. Might be worth you thinking about the ways in which you do both. Good luck!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Maybe resolve to go and buy the Sunday paper and sit at a coffee shop in your neighborhood to read the whole thing... for perhaps 3 weeks in a row... People seeing you more than once will take greater notice of you. But of course, as soon as you decide you can give "10 hours" of your time to such pursuits... FATE assures you'd need at least 12 or 14 hours to see results. (translation: don't be too quick to give up)
WellLetsSee Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Body language - you could be shutting people out with your body language. If you are focusing on a book, TV or whatever and never glance around you to see who's around, that is a clear signal you don't want to be disturbed. No-one wants to approach someone who looks glum or irritated, so looking relaxed or showing an occasional smile is better. Are you turning sideways away from people or turning your back on them? Those are clear signals to keep away. I have a friend who turns away like this and sort of 'shrugs' them off. She looks serious and never smiles at them. She wonders why nice guys never approach her. If you look serious and busy, maybe writing in a diary, checking your watch, tapping on your mobile, they won't want to interrupt. Looking as if you've got time for a chat might help. Points of interest - what do you carry with you or wear that could give someone a chance to start a conversation with you? A book that guys might also like to read? A gadget. An interesting piece of jewellery. A magazine on a hobby that guys often share. A colourful jacket or scarf? If a guy wants an excuse to chat to you, are you helping him by carrying something like this? Making contact - guys are less likely to approach you if there is no obvious contact. If you never look in their direction, they can't catch your eye, for example. If you sit with your back to them as opposed to opposite or slightly to the right or left, they can't catch your eye or smile at you. Also, you could build bridges with them. Catch their eye and smile, doesn't have to be a flirty smile, just friendly. Offer them your newspaper if you've finished reading it. Ask them something, like do you they know the best place to get a sandwich or where is a good place to go to see a gig. I love this thread! Hey hey, thanks a lot for this post - I think I am very much like the friend of yours. There is only one question I have though - you wrote: " Looking as if you've got time for a chat might help." How do I look like I have time for a chat? Because one of the scariest things to do for me is looking like I do not have anything to do you know. Scared that people might think I am lonely and have no friends, ... this kind of thought. I dont want to be pitied. So I am wondering if there is some on the spot advice you can give what I can do to look like I have time for a chat, but at the same time am not a lonely person who nobody wants to be friends with?
neghitzbrah Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 ...Because one of the scariest things to do for me is looking like I do not have anything to do you know. Scared that people might think I am lonely and have no friends, ... this kind of thought. I dont want to be pitied... Trust me, it won't be pitied. It will be seen as an opportunity to come in and talk to you. OP -- do not overthink it. If you overthink it you won't be relaxed. You will be so anxious in your head that it'll show to everyone that you are very tense. No one wants to approach a tense person or one that looks stressed. So slowly meld into that type of person you want to be. Do you want to be a happy person? Then think positively. Focus on your great points during your day than your bad ones. If you get cut off on the road, laugh it off. If you drop your cell, slap your wrist and call yourself clumsy. If you drop your iPhone... well that would suck. There needs to be an in/link/bridge whenever I approach a girl (this is why I hate meeting girls at bars/clubs). I met a girl on the subway, yesterday. She was reading a book that I found to have an interesting title. Turns out we had a lot in common with each other. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend but she asked for my e-mail anyway. Whatever happens. Just wanted to share that Good luck OP!
Author manders_01 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Just wanted to let everyone know I am still paying attention to this thread, taking in all the advice and want to thank everyone for giving their input. I've been sticking to going out at least once a week and trying to incorporate the good advice given here. Thank you!
spiderowl Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 (edited) "How do I look like I have time for a chat?" I'm glad someone found this useful. You've asked a very good question - how to look like you have time to chat but not look lonely, weird or bored. I think it's best to put yourself in a guy's shoes. He's in a cafe, sees a girl he'd like to talk to. What would make it possible for him to do so without looking a chump or risking rejection? Firstly, if you were friendly to most people around you, that would signal to him that you weren't usually a nasty, rejecting female - he'd know you'd be kind to him. Secondly, look relaxed rather than frantic or busy. If you fiddle with things, tap on the table or shuffle about a lot, you'll look impatient and on edge. You can busy yourself with something, but calmly. Flip the pages of a magazine slowly and casually, write in your diary in a idling, thoughtful sort of way. Anything relaxed and casual will give the message that you are not in a hurry and are not a tense and irritable person. You could even let him overhear you asking the counter staff something, like do they know when a museum/art gallery/shop closes, something a few hours off. If he's got any initiative, he'll follow up such a question later with any bit of information he has. A guy is looking for an excuse to engage you and talk to you. If you offer something, he'll do his best to follow up. By the way, I wouldn't worry about looking lonely or as if you haven't got any friends. If a guy is interested in you and would like to approach you, he'll be only too glad you aren't sitting with a gaggle of friends. He'll be thinking how he can approach you, not how lonely you look. Edited April 24, 2011 by spiderowl
Author manders_01 Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 "How do I look like I have time for a chat?" I'm glad someone found this useful. You've asked a very good question - how to look like you have time to chat but not look lonely, weird or bored. I think it's best to put yourself in a guy's shoes. He's in a cafe, sees a girl he'd like to talk to. What would make it possible for him to do so without looking a chump or risking rejection? Firstly, if you were friendly to most people around you, that would signal to him that you weren't usually a nasty, rejecting female - he'd know you'd be kind to him. Secondly, look relaxed rather than frantic or busy. If you fiddle with things, tap on the table or shuffle about a lot, you'll look impatient and on edge. You can busy yourself with something, but calmly. Flip the pages of a magazine slowly and casually, write in your diary in a idling, thoughtful sort of way. Anything relaxed and casual will give the message that you are not in a hurry and are not a tense and irritable person. You could even let him overhear you asking the counter staff something, like do they know when a museum/art gallery/shop closes, something a few hours off. If he's got any initiative, he'll follow up such a question later with any bit of information he has. A guy is looking for an excuse to engage you and talk to you. If you offer something, he'll do his best to follow up. By the way, I wouldn't worry about looking lonely or as if you haven't got any friends. If a guy is interested in you and would like to approach you, he'll be only too glad you aren't sitting with a gaggle of friends. He'll be thinking how he can approach you, not how lonely you look. Thank you for that! Such great advice and certainly some I will take the next time I'm out with a book, magazine, etc.
orangelady Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 guys ALWAYS look at a girl who dresses sexily. No one ignores sexy dressing, mot even girls. Good luck.
theseeker Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 If you make eye contact and give them a bit of a smile, they'll come.
thebody Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Me personally I rarely take the first initiative and generally allow women to approach me. Have you tried walking up to a guy, sitting down next to him and saying,"hey there fella... whatcha doin?". Ok that's probably corny, but I'm sure it would suffice.
orangelady Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Me personally I rarely take the first initiative and generally allow women to approach me. Have you tried walking up to a guy, sitting down next to him and saying,"hey there fella... whatcha doin?". Ok that's probably corny, but I'm sure it would suffice. I did that once and he gave me 'the look' and ignored me.
thebody Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) I did that once and he gave me 'the look' and ignored me. i would never do that... that's just plain uhh.. ignorant! haha play on words! Seriously, if a gent can't just have a conversation with somebody then they're either a fool or a jerk, and one who can't appreciate and respect a lady enough just to talk, then he's both. If ANYbody were to come up to me and said "hey fella whatcha doin" I would immediately engage in conversation, regardless of the level of attraction. Well... I suppose I have some requirements... do not smell like a gorilla that just rolled around in something foul. Edited May 1, 2011 by thebody spelling & grammar
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