BellePerdant Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I've been in a couple of good relationships. I've grown and learned a lot from them, but each one has ended because of the same reason: I end up falling in love, but whoever I'm with never ends up in love with me. I never expected forever with any of these relationships. I'm 20. Being young, I knew it was never anything that could lead to settling down. I wouldn't want that, honestly. I want to finish school and have a career before I even seriously entertain those type of thoughts. Even knowing what I want, I still want to experience love and I want to be loved. I've loved, but I've never been loved. My last ex told me that he should love me. That I'm everything he's ever wanted, but he couldn't see himself being in love with me. One of my guy friends was all out of shape after a break up, and while I was comforting him, I couldn't help but be jealous of this girl. Not because I see my friend that way, but because I've never had that... that something that would make a guy be all torn up over me if I broke up with him. Sure, they might be upset, but not like my friend. Mind you, my intentions wouldn't be to have someone love me to ruin them by calling it quits once I have that type of affection. I just don't know what it is about me. I'd say maybe it's the guys I date if the guys I dated weren't so vastly different from each other. Sigh... Maybe I can't have someone love me, because I want it so much. I dunno. I do know, that it's frustrating and I don't know what to do about it.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 My last ex told me that he should love me. That I'm everything he's ever wanted, but he couldn't see himself being in love with me. The guy I dated right before I met my exH told me the SAME DAMN THING WORD FOR WORD when he dumped me. He was cheating on me. I was 21-22 and he was 21. I think that's just how males kind of are at that age. Of course saying a person is everything they could ever want... and being that young... as if a person knows everything they will ever want the rest of their life when they are in their 20s. Not that I have much room to talk being 27, but I have not seen everything that I might EVER want, and hell what you want changes with life circumstances... and people change too. Its all a confusing mess. I am honestly surprised that people can be married for years and years... I am surprised a lot that people actually find other people they would WANT to marry... its like the honeybee... it's not supposed to be able to fly because of all the aerodynamics laws.
acrossthemiles1 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 If the guys you are dating are around the same age as you, I wouldn't even give this a second thought. NO guy (or at least very very few) who's between the ages of 18 and 21-23 genuinely knows and understands what "love" is. They can recognize the hallmarks of a relationship that should lead to love, but they can't experience or understand it with the necessary wisdom. I think you'll find once you start dating men from a slightly older age group your experience will change drastically.
Author BellePerdant Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 If the guys you are dating are around the same age as you, I wouldn't even give this a second thought. NO guy (or at least very very few) who's between the ages of 18 and 21-23 genuinely knows and understands what "love" is. They can recognize the hallmarks of a relationship that should lead to love, but they can't experience or understand it with the necessary wisdom. I think you'll find once you start dating men from a slightly older age group your experience will change drastically. The last guy I dated was 27 (The ex I mentioned in my first post). He acted a lot younger and could be very immature. I'm not making excuses for him, because he does need to grow up, but he's responsible. He never misses payments on anything and takes school seriously. He's just emotionally inept like a 20-24 year old.
hoping2heal Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Are you opening yourself up and actually connecting with people
Author BellePerdant Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Are you opening yourself up and actually connecting with people Am I opening up? So much so that I regret it later when I end up getting hurt.
nothappyjan Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I don't have any advice....But i'm always in the same situation. I'm 24 and i've dated guys aged 22 to 33 and all of them have used the same line. That i'm great and the best gf they have ever had or could want but they are just not in love with me. I don't understand it either. If they cant find a fault i don't know why they cant love me when i always love them.
Author BellePerdant Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 I don't have any advice....But i'm always in the same situation. I'm 24 and i've dated guys aged 22 to 33 and all of them have used the same line. That i'm great and the best gf they have ever had or could want but they are just not in love with me. I don't understand it either. If they cant find a fault i don't know why they cant love me when i always love them. It's frustrating. Maddeningly so. It makes me want to pick open their brains and find the root of the problem. They say I'm great and wonderful, but then this keeps happening which really leads me to believe that it's something about me even though they swear up and down that's it's not. Of course I don't want to believe it has something to do with me, who does? It's so confusing to be told that I'm everything a man would ever want, but I've never actually had a man want me in the sense of wanting to love me. My friends end up getting boyfriends. A few months later it's all, "I love you", kissy faces, PDA, all that jazz. I've had the PDA, the snuggling, the kissy faces. I'm thankful that I've gotten to experience that at least, but I still want more. I want to know how they did that? And sadly, I've asked before to receive the atypical answer of, "I'm always just myself." So am I. I never pretend to be something I'm not. I'm confident and happy with who I am. I used to weigh a lot more than I do now and so I've had to work hard on learning to love myself, but I mention this because In learning to love myself, I grew to know a lot about myself. Flaws and all. So, it's not that, once I land a guy I turn into this giddy little thing that's always sunshine and rainbows. I'm myself. Ugh. Sorry, went off there. As frustrating as it is, I know I still have a lot of time for more romantic experiences, I'm still just a tad bit sore (can't you tell?) and I can't figure out what it is, or how to change it.
Aveenolover Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 My last serious boyfriend said that to me and i kept prying and prying until he would tell me exact reasons. He did love me at first but then decided that i was everything he wanted, But....i wasnt independent enough, i wasnt republican, i wasnt very religious, i wasnt this, i wasnt that. Maybe pry more information out of your exes? I told him i needed to know exact specifics so i could make sure not to make the same mistakes again. Though, i think my only mistake is i'm not independent enough...
TheyCallMeBruce Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 The last guy I dated was 27 (The ex I mentioned in my first post). He acted a lot younger and could be very immature. I'm not making excuses for him, because he does need to grow up, but he's responsible. He never misses payments on anything and takes school seriously. He's just emotionally inept like a 20-24 year old. Did you date me? This sounds like me, except I'm more 12-15 years old, emotionally.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Are you opening yourself up and actually connecting with people How do you open yourself up and connect with people?
lonely79 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I just had this very same thing happen to me. Its happened before, but not with EVERY guy Ive dated or anything. I think sometimes, certain men are just afraid of love, honestly, he told me he was frustrated because he could never seem to make that jump... i seriously think he is afraid of love. OR maybe they just really dont love us, for this stupid reason or that stupid reason and its not your FAULT exactly, its just not a match, you know? even if you feel like it is. Cuz i know I felt like it was, apparently he didnt. Even though he says he did. or back to my original idea, he's afraid of love so he backs away once those feelings start surfacing. its confusing. it sucks.
orangelady Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 truth is, men generally don't need love. Even men in their 30s and 40s don't. Men generally are just fine without any woman's love. They can happily live with just dating, video games and sports. Would you believe me? And if they ARE the type to want to love and it's not you, then I guess we just have to accept they didn't choose us. Every guy has a preference. They might want to love someone else they have in mind. It's either that or the age thing. But yeah, I know what you mean. I feel exactly like you, but just worse. Because guys always choose thinner and more pretty girls than me. How about that? Anyways, don't worry, think of it this way : Their loss, your true love will come around. You just watch. hugs.
Kelemort Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 You say that the guys you've dated have been vastly different from each other - but are you sure about that? On the surface, some boyfriends might be very shy and aloof while others are very outgoing and gregarious, making them seem different. But these could be two individuals' ways of dealing with the same root problem differently. Some men who are insecure or who have issues with attachment, for example, may present themselves as very needy, very insecure, very jealous, clingy, demanding. Other men who are also insecure or who have attachment problems may act cold, aloof, uninterested, etc. I think it's important to really analyze the behavior of the men you've dated, especially since you've encountered this issue again and again. But that aside, you're also only 20 - and while I'd like to say most men in their late 20s have matured, not all of them have (as you have indicated). It's true that many men start settling down and growing mature as they close in on their late 20s, but not all of them. I'm assuming many of the men you've dated in the past have been in the 16 - 22 age range. And that can explain it. There's a tendency toward immaturity at those ages, and I think that a lot of men in that age group are looking for flings, something short-term. Or, because of past hurts, they consciously choose not to love because it gives them power in a relationship. But at the end of the day - is there something wrong with you? No. I just think you're probably going after men who have the same core attachment problems, although you can't always see it clearly because they express it in different ways.
vsmini Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 This may or may not depress you but most people haven't truly figured out who they are and what they want until they've reached the age of 30. Now it's different for everyone but by 30 most people have had some experiences under their belt that has put them through tough times - and if you want to learn, you always have to learn the hard way. Know that most guys you will date now are just for the experience - this doesn't make them useless or less valuable. You will learn that many people come into your life for just a season, not a lifetime, and that's ok. They come in to teach you one thing and then they move on. Love always comes eventually. Do not let it determine your worth. Only you do that. Patience and enjoy the early twenties and learn the lessons
sunshinegirl Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) You're pretty young to draw any vast conclusions about your dating life, so what I'll share about me may or may not apply. I dated a number of men who similarly didn't love me back. Wretching, heartbreaking stuff. The first couple of times, I thought it was coincidence or a fluke. After four relationships that all ended the same way (with my heart broken, theirs not so much), I had to come to terms with the fact that there was a pattern. Turns out my "man-picker" was broken, and I kept choosing, and falling in love with, men who were fundamentally unavailable (gay, geographically unavailable, religiously unavailable, maritally & emotionally unavailable). The pattern wasn't obvious at first because on the surface these guys were successful, straight (!), connected to at least some friends & family, responsible, at *some* level into me (at least for a time), and thus seemed 'healthy'. But these men were never going to commit to me emotionally or otherwise because of their aforementioned unavailability. And I had unconsciously picked them due to that very trait. With a counselor, I finally unpeeled the onion to figure out what was it in me that was attracted to the Unavailables, and voila: family of origin stuff popped up. After the fourth breakup, I spent a bunch of time working through all of that and adjusting my Man-Picker. (Which paid off in spades: I married boyfriend #5 seven months ago.) I say all of that to offer the idea that there could be something about your 'Man-Picker' that is leading you into one-sided relationships. Can you identify any traits they had in common? (You might consider asking friends and family to comment on this if you really can't see any similarities.) If not, being only 20, it could still be coincidence and/or the general fickleness of 20-something guys. Edited April 30, 2011 by sunshinegirl
sagetalk Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I say all of that to offer the idea that there could be something about your 'Man-Picker' that is leading you into one-sided relationships. I've been telling girls this here ever since I started posting (you might even be on that list). Broken man picker is the number 1 reason women have bad relationships. These women usually choose men whom they have a 0% chance to succeed. If one man does it to you, he's the problem. If 3 or more men do it to you, you are attracted to jerks. Until a girl understands that, she will be heart broken forever. Most men want committed long term relationships, but there are 10-15% of guys out there that do most of the banging around and they don't want one. Get away from those 10%-15% and you will find mountains of success.
lonely79 Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 You're pretty young to draw any vast conclusions about your dating life, so what I'll share about me may or may not apply. I dated a number of men who similarly didn't love me back. Wretching, heartbreaking stuff. The first couple of times, I thought it was coincidence or a fluke. After four relationships that all ended the same way (with my heart broken, theirs not so much), I had to come to terms with the fact that there was a pattern. Turns out my "man-picker" was broken, and I kept choosing, and falling in love with, men who were fundamentally unavailable (gay, geographically unavailable, religiously unavailable, maritally & emotionally unavailable). The pattern wasn't obvious at first because on the surface these guys were successful, straight (!), connected to at least some friends & family, responsible, at *some* level into me (at least for a time), and thus seemed 'healthy'. But these men were never going to commit to me emotionally or otherwise because of their aforementioned unavailability. And I had unconsciously picked them due to that very trait. With a counselor, I finally unpeeled the onion to figure out what was it in me that was attracted to the Unavailables, and voila: family of origin stuff popped up. After the fourth breakup, I spent a bunch of time working through all of that and adjusting my Man-Picker. (Which paid off in spades: I married boyfriend #5 seven months ago.) I say all of that to offer the idea that there could be something about your 'Man-Picker' that is leading you into one-sided relationships. Can you identify any traits they had in common? (You might consider asking friends and family to comment on this if you really can't see any similarities.) If not, being only 20, it could still be coincidence and/or the general fickleness of 20-something guys. so, how do you figure out what wrong with your "man-picker"?? and how are you supposed to fix it? how can you change who you're attracted and drawn to?
Nexus One Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 so, how do you figure out what wrong with your "man-picker"?? and how are you supposed to fix it? how can you change who you're attracted and drawn to? By using common sense. The problem is that that tends to shut down once you get high on love chemicals. A solution can be to ask 3rd party opinions from people that have no conflict of interest in your potential relationship with the guys you like. Granted though, some people have pretty weird and poorly argued illogical opinions. People have different life experiences and different tastes. So in my opinion it's best to ask someone who's down to earth, is known to use common sense, is pragmatic and logical. Also men are often better at making threat assessments of other men. So perhaps you can let a guy make a threat assessment of your love interest. Perhaps someone like your brother(sibling) who isn't a player. Then again, when players get into "honesty mode" with other guys, they tend to give some pretty good info too. Although I've never witnessed them do it with girls/women, so I wouldn't place any bets on that ever happening.
sunshinegirl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 so, how do you figure out what wrong with your "man-picker"?? and how are you supposed to fix it? how can you change who you're attracted and drawn to? I more-or-less described what worked for me in my post above. Basically, I did the following: (1) Looking at what negative qualities the men I dated (who had broken my heart) had in common; (2) Examining my family upbringing and the rules/expectations/norms of interaction I internalized from them; (3) Seeing how #2 contributed to me choosing the men in #1; (4) Deciding for myself that I wanted to break away from the cycle of choosing #1 type men; (4) Reading a lot of self-help books and observing couples I knew to have healthy, loving relationships; (5) Creating a new picture of the kind of relationship I wanted, and drawing clear and firm boundaries to protect myself from picking more #1 type men. My counselor warned me that my new, healthier Man Picker might lead me toward relationships that felt "boring" compared to the drama-filled relationships I was used to. At first I was bummed out about that -- who wants a "boring" relationship? But now I understand exactly what she meant. My relationship with my husband is anything but boring. But what it is NOT is drama-filled. I have never once cried during our relationship, period. More specifically, I've never cried or worried about H because I didn't know how he felt about me, or he was pulling away, or being uncommunicative, or acting in untrustworthy ways, or telling me one thing but doing another, or stringing me along, or having an inappropriate flirtation with another woman, or keeping an ex in the picture, etc. Do you get it? I found a relationship in which I feel 100% safe and secure, in which I am well loved and treated kindly by a man I adore.
Recommended Posts