LauraK Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Before I start, I will say that I haven't been dumped, but if the relationship ends, its me that will be doing the dumping... although it would be because I don't feel I have any other choice. And I realise once I have typed this out, a lot of people will probably say I should do it. And I am also sorry for it being so long, guess I didn't realise how much I had to say. My boyfriend and I have been together officially for about 10 months, although we were seeing each other for about 3/4 months before that. (I'm 31, he's 27) Its a LDR, and at the moment he is doing his military service in his own Country. He always moaned about the male friends I had on facebook, wanting me to delete them, feeling jealous because of them. So I deleted a lot of them (most were ones I had met on facebook and rarely talked to anyway but some were ones I had known for years). I realise this is controlling behaviour but I thought trust takes time to build up, maybe once we had the trust it would be ok. He would randomly add girls, then if I mentioned them (keeping the balance, showing that it can't be one sided, rules for one and rules for the other) he would delete them. But 2 weeks ago, I found out he has a profile he told me nothing about, and some of the friends were the woman he had deleted of the profile I was on. As I said he is in the army at the moment and the contact can be sporadic. I was so angry and hurt. He managed to get in touch with me about 5/6days via text after I had last spoken to him and the night I found the secret profile. I told him I was so angry at him, that I knew about the profile and that it had the woman he had told me he had deleted. I told him I felt humiliated and I couldn't believe how much he had hurt me. He replied by saying he didn't use that profile and they are only old friends and that he didn't like them, that he was so sorry, and he loved me. Of course I didn't let it go at that. I told him that profile was to be deleted or our relationship was over. He said he understood and would delete all his facebook if I wanted, then he started to beg me to believe he loved me and do I forgive him? I said I can't forgive you until its deleted and I can trust you. He replied with him saying sorry again and he knows I am angry at him, but that facebook is only the internet, its not real, not like I am real and we are real and I am the only girl for him and he loves me so much. I replied that if the internet wasn't real, why did he make such a fuss about the men on my facebook. He said because he was jealous and wanted to know I was all his and if I had done it he would be angry and upset. He's tried to be in touch every day since then, his credit has run out so he is occasionally is borrowing friends' phones to keep in touch. But its not easy, since mobiles aren't allowed and its all in secret. We had a big chat on Saturday night and sometimes during it I thought yeah, we can move past this. And other times anger and hurt just made my blood boil. And I felt like I was just saying the same things over and over again. He said he hadn't been on the profile in 4/5 months and it was only hi how are you messages. I was fuming because he just didn't seem to understand what he had done to us. But and this is my problem. 2 weeks later and I still feel really hurt and angry. I don't know whether I can forgive him or trust him now. I've had conflicting advice and now I just feel so confused. Some have said that he seems to be making a big effort to keep us together, others have said just end it. I am starting a new job on Monday and the thought of still being hurt over this or actually having a break up is really getting to me. What should I do?!
love4me2c Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) Give him a second chance. It's not like he slept with someone else. He probably thought it would be rude of him to just drop off the face of the earth. I often notice that partners have expectations of their mate yet they do not have to follow their own rules. I see it time and time again.. it does suck, but this is definitely worth giving another chance if you love him. It sounds like he loves you. Edited April 8, 2011 by love4me2c
hoping2heal Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Was the profile old? It sounds like maybe those girls added him on his new profile because they found him and he had not been active on his other profile? I would make it clear to him that what you need from him now is consistency, all of the time, with no room for compromise. He isn't acting defensive about it (that's a really good sign, imho) and he is acting genuinely sorry that it hurt you. As for the "controlling", if that is the worst he gets? Then I would say it's nothing to lose sleep over. You guys are long distance, and since it's a well known fact by now how many affairs, etc. start on Facebook..Not to mention, it is hurtful to your partner to see another man leaving you comments, bantering back and forth with you when he can't, know what I mean? There is a lot of debate on whether it's all fine and dandy to be buddy, buddy with the opposite sex once you're in a relationship. I'm of the school of thought that no, it's really not okay. Not if there is one on one contact or talks between the two of you, or spending time just the two of you. My DF feels the same way and we see eye to eye without issue on this, but not everyone does or can get it. However, remember the hurt you felt? That's how he would feel, and that's why he asked you to remove them. It's okay to feel upset, and I think as you continue to see consistent behavior from him, it will help this subside, if however on the other hand more flaky things come up, then you might want to re-think whether you can trust him or not, but so far, it looks good for the two of you.
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