tobydog1 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 For all those that have read my posts...Thanks Have I been insane? I have certainly been quite deranged as well as very ill. Physically and mentally too. But is my reaction to the ending of my life normal or not? I accept full responsibility for the demise of my marriage, all my fault.... I have been vile to him and sent some very foul emails to his OW. Nothing threatening, just calling her a fat legged old cow etc and a homewrecker. Have I over reacted to this bottom falling out of our world? I know I have made things worse and pushed him away further but I have been demented......So so angry with him Now I am calmer and moving into acceptance.... But was my initial reaction over the top, am I pathetic? I have only gotten a bit better the last 2 months and can laugh again and put make up on etc Am I abnormal in my reaction? I know people react in different ways but did I go over the top so to speak? Cheers guys x
just_some_guy Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Time to put the focus internally. Your anger and emotion come from being denied something you need that you were seeking and drawing from someone else, rather than seeking and drawing it from within and from a greater power than yourself. I've heard it described as being in space suit, but plugged into someone else's oxygen, rather than having your own line to the mother ship. What little you do get, isn't enough and it deprives the other of what they really need to live and do well. When the line gets broken, one feels deprived and panicked. The natural reaction is to desperately try to plug back in, or to find someone else to plug into. What we really need is our own line to the mother ship. Do you see the analogy? You've been in a panic and the energy you're expending in the form of the nastiness and what not, is a desperate attempt to plug back in to his oxygen supply. Find your mother ship and plug in to the plentiful supply for yourself.
willowthewisp Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) Time to put the focus internally. Your anger and emotion come from being denied something you need that you were seeking and drawing from someone else, rather than seeking and drawing it from within and from a greater power than yourself. I've heard it described as being in space suit, but plugged into someone else's oxygen, rather than having your own line to the mother ship. What little you do get, isn't enough and it deprives the other of what they really need to live and do well. When the line gets broken, one feels deprived and panicked. The natural reaction is to desperately try to plug back in, or to find someone else to plug into. What we really need is our own line to the mother ship. Do you see the analogy? You've been in a panic and the energy you're expending in the form of the nastiness and what not, is a desperate attempt to plug back in to his oxygen supply. Find your mother ship and plug in to the plentiful supply for yourself. I have to say I totally disagree with the above. Tobydog, your anger and emotion comes from being cheated on by your husband, his betryal and total abandonment of you and your child. His refusal to acknowledge your feelings as a human being, preferring only to think how your reaction affects him, rather than seeing how what HE DID affected you. Totally normal. Secondly, I have seem you post here numerous times that you are totally to blame for the breakdown of your marriage and his leaving. I don't think this is true? You say he had an alcholic father and you liked to have a drink. You then went on to say you would have a beer on two nights of the week. Exactly how many alcohol units were you consuming a week? Are we talking, two beers one night and two or three the other? Or are we talking binge drinking? The very fact that you were able to only drink on certain nights of the week and only two of that, indicates quite clearly that you are NOT an alcoholic. I think the simple truth here is that you husband had an affair, perhaps because he felt "pushed out" when you had your child (didn't you say it took a lot to have him?) and he has done a histort rewrite to justify his infantile and unjustified behaviour. I also get the impression that he has spent years putting you down? Chipped away at your self-esteem to the point where you now readily accept his version of events and self-blame, rather than stand back and look at things objectively. I do not think you were to blame for what he did. In any case, no matter what went "wrong" nothing, NOTHING justifies his cheating and abandonment of his family. You are not mad and crazy, you are justifiably hurt. Having said that, this anger you are showing him, whilst deserved, will not make any difference to a man capable of what he has done. therefore for your own sake you need to cut him off completely and start rebuilding YOUR life for you and your child. Edited April 8, 2011 by willowthewisp
Yasuandio Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 It's possible that both partner's contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, which can often be the case anyway. I read all of your posts. You, alone are not responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, you both contributed to events that caused damage. But ultimately, your husband left you for another woman, and as your previous posters tell you, that trumps it all. The way in which you responded seems normal enough to me. I mean, there have been murders over cheating spouses! I saw a great website about spouses that cheat, and it contained some horifically creative methods to change and/or destroy "the look" of cheater's vehicle (OMG). You are not crazy or insane, there are a millon and one things that you could do or destroy, and many women would understand. However, you responded with a normal gut reaction to being hurt and betrayed. Furthermore, you controlled and prevented yourself from getting into a firey retalitory-mode. Now, that is true grit, that you should be proud of. Your moving into the acceptance. You are totally pulling yourself together. It is now time to update your self-talk (no more crazy, insane, etc.). I would like to know Deb. How would you describe yourself in a positive way? I would also really be happy to see you post a list of goals you want to achieve.
trippi1432 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I cannot reiterate Willow's post as well as she stated it Toby. Stop self blaming and start healing from within....understand ...as my IC has told me...it starts from within. It's NOT your fault.
just_some_guy Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 What I stated was not about blame, it is about healing. W.O.W., I think you'll see I'm right in time. All the bitterness, the reactions, the fighting. It's not about them, it is about ourselves.
willowthewisp Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 What I stated was not about blame, it is about healing. W.O.W., I think you'll see I'm right in time. All the bitterness, the reactions, the fighting. It's not about them, it is about ourselves. Just because someone reacts to the way another treats them with anger, does not make them bitter! Anger is a healthy reaction that helps one to protect oneself from other peoples hurt and abuse of us according to my IC. I do wish people on here would stop brandishing about the term bitter, I notice that it is the leavers who seem to keep using this term, perhaps it helps them to justify their behaviour, "you're not angry, that would mean you are reacting to my behaviour in a healthy way, which means I must have caused the anger, so I guess I must have treated you badly. No, I can't take responsibility for how my actions and choices have affected you, therefore you must be bitter".
just_some_guy Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Anger? No, this goes beyond anger when so much energy and time is focused on another person. Why? Let's just presume Toby's ex or yours, or mine, are all of that. Just presume they are terrible and awful. But when they step out of the equation and distance themselves, what does continuing to engage on our part mean? That's not self-preservation, that is desperation. What is it one is desperate for, from another human being?
willowthewisp Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Anger? No, this goes beyond anger when so much energy and time is focused on another person. Why? Let's just presume Toby's ex or yours, or mine, are all of that. Just presume they are terrible and awful. But when they step out of the equation and distance themselves, what does continuing to engage on our part mean? That's not self-preservation, that is desperation. What is it one is desperate for, from another human being? Not according to my IC who has over 40 years experience, it is simply expressing feelings.
just_some_guy Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Not according to my IC who has over 40 years experience, it is simply expressing feelings. To what end? What is it that the feelings are about? What do you hope to accomplish or gain by further the entanglements? Expression of feelings and emotions can be done with friends or family who care, with the IC or even by screaming at the walls or taking other symbolic actions or rituals to express the energy behind them. To focus and direct this energy at the ex is an act that seeks something from them, a response, an acknowledgement, a change of heart perhaps? Or perhaps the expression is intended to inflict pain and hurt? Neither case is healthy or brings our own lives into a place where growth and healing can occur. It just persists in continuing the pain cycle, of attempting to engage a response. When this response is not forthcoming from the other, feelings grow more hurt and empty, spurring further attempts to garner whatever emotional response one is searching for. Breaking the cycle is the key to moving forward. The question to ask oneself from these encounters is, "What am I seeking from this action?" When the need within ourselves is understood, we can address that need for ourselves from inside rather than outside and eliminate this cycle of pain.
Yasuandio Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Pas de Touché! Just_Some_Guy has touched upon the tender and truest point. Gracefully concede, Willowthewisp. He wooped cha'. Excellent analysis, JSG. Edited April 10, 2011 by Yasuandio
fltc Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 For all those that have read my posts...Thanks Now I am calmer and moving into acceptance.... I consider this post from you as an indication that you are well on the way toward healing and that's GREAT!
willowthewisp Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 To what end? What is it that the feelings are about? What do you hope to accomplish or gain by further the entanglements? Expression of feelings and emotions can be done with friends or family who care, with the IC or even by screaming at the walls or taking other symbolic actions or rituals to express the energy behind them. To focus and direct this energy at the ex is an act that seeks something from them, a response, an acknowledgement, a change of heart perhaps? Or perhaps the expression is intended to inflict pain and hurt? Neither case is healthy or brings our own lives into a place where growth and healing can occur. It just persists in continuing the pain cycle, of attempting to engage a response. When this response is not forthcoming from the other, feelings grow more hurt and empty, spurring further attempts to garner whatever emotional response one is searching for. Breaking the cycle is the key to moving forward. The question to ask oneself from these encounters is, "What am I seeking from this action?" When the need within ourselves is understood, we can address that need for ourselves from inside rather than outside and eliminate this cycle of pain. Not always for any end in terms of response from the other person, it's not about response, it doesn't even matter if they hear it, read it, it is about expressing it in a healthy way instead of letting it go unreleased or worse, inward. I am not suggesting that this should be repeated, once is enough, then walk away. Pas de Touché! Just_Some_Guy has touched upon the tender and truest point. Gracefully concede, Willowthewisp. He wooped cha'. Excellent analysis, JSG. Yas, this is not a game. This isn't a debate or about scoring points, of wooping people on this forum, if that is what you think then I suggest you seriously consider whether you should continue to post here? There are people here who are in genuine pain, seeking support, people are not here to be in a contest, nor to be observed and commented on for no productive purpose, just to obtain enjoyment. If you want to watch a contest, go see a boxing match.
Yasuandio Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Willow, I am sorry. Of course, you are completely right. I got cared away, and made yet another mistake. It indeed may be best for me to stop posting in my emotionally painful and highly medicated condition right now. Again, I sincerely apologize. Yas
willowthewisp Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 No need to apologize Yas, I am sure I have done similar things myself. I hope you don't stop posting a lot of what you have written has had great insight and you have certainly helped me in the past :-)
Yasuandio Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Willow, thank you so much for accepting my apology, and too, for the nice compliments. I do think my perceptions at times can be very problematic, and I am so glad you called me it. Thanks again, Yas
Author tobydog1 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Well, I will wish you all well as I am going to South Africa today! Hopefully it will help with healing my heart. Take care all, I wish you all better days, may the clouds lift a little for us all. Dx
just_some_guy Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 My comments were not intended as a contest. Just pointing out what I see.
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