lemonlegs Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I'll start off by saying that my boyfriend is typically good with getting in touch with me. He works midnight shifts, so when he sleeps during the day, he'll call me when he's up. However, I ask him to text me whenever he gets to work, one, to make sure he gets there safely (since it's about a 40 minute drive, and his friend drives, not him) and two, I like when he says good night to me before I go to sleep. MOST of the time he does, but sometimes he just won't. Same with in the morning, I'll text him saying "good morning, I love you!" and sometimes he just won't even respond. I've told him how much this angers me and he says "Sorry, I'll work on that.." He USES his cell phone, so I don't see what's so hard to take 1 minute just to make me happy. It's not like I'm asking a lot.... am I? Also, the fact that I never hesitate to text him when I get to work or am leaving, or just feel like saying something to him. Now today, after work in the morning, him his friend went dirt biking. I specifically said last night, "Babe, will you give me a text in the morning?" Okay, whatever. So, wake up, and no text. Fine. I then text him, "Hey, hope you're having fun! Call me when you get home!" It's not 2:30, and I'm PRETTY sure he's home, and I saw his friend postng on facebook, and he has yet to even bother to text me or call me. SERIOUSLY, I know it's not a big deal, but wow, it really pisses me off and he STILL fails to simply text me. Yes, he's overall a good boyfriend, but it's the little things that count sometimes.... Thoughts..? I know some people aren't big on texting, but it's just a little thing I ask of him... is it really that difficult to do?
Enchanted Girl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I've been in this situation before. You are not asking a big thing of him, but by asking it, you are making yourself look clingy, especially since you get mad at him when he doesn't text you back. He is ignoring you because he knows you're always there, waiting for his text, and therefore he believes that he can text you and call you at his leisure and it doesn't matter that much. What you need to do is ignore him every time he ignores you or does something like this to you. Men do not learn to treat you better because you treat them how you want to be treated. They learn how to take advantage of you. And if you want your boyfriend to start texting you more often, you need to stop texting him completely and instead only text other people. It will take some time, but eventually he will start doing this for you. He's just taking you for granted right now because you're always there. You need to show him that you're an independent woman who doesn't give a crap whether he texts you or not and he'll start doing it more often.
EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I can relate to this post from both sides of the story. On the one hand it's nice to get that charge from a loved one, I completely understand that. On the other, it's impossible to know what is going on at the other end of the phone. Especially during work, or when somebody is in the middle of an activity. The best way to work this out I think is to make your expectations clear; it sounds like you have, that just getting a quick text should not be that big of a deal to make you happy. If he agrees but does not follow through, then a gentle reminded would not be out of line. But do it in person! Which brings me to my second point... From the other side of things this can look clingy and insecure. Even if it is not, it can really come across that way. I recall times when I was really, really busy at work and tried my best to respond with quick texts but I just could not keep up with the volume. She was really insecure so this almost always led to weird conversations like "What is going on, why are you ignoreing me?" Not that you are doing this, but just tread lightly in that area and try not to assume anything. I know, it's easier said than done and sometimes I struggle with the same feelings. Good luck!
oaks Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Thoughts..? I know some people aren't big on texting, but it's just a little thing I ask of him... is it really that difficult to do? It sounds like you are asking (actually, requiring) him to check in with you all the time. He's not a child and you're not his mom.
Author lemonlegs Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 It sounds like you are asking (actually, requiring) him to check in with you all the time. He's not a child and you're not his mom. The way you say it makes it sound worse than it is. Is there something wrong with him texting me when he gets to work to tell me good night, seeing as I don't get to talk to him on the phone before I go to sleep? It's not like we've only been dating for a month.. we've been dating for almost a year. As I said before, I text him saying good night, and good morning, etc. Is it really too much to ask to reciprocate?
oaks Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 The way you say it makes it sound worse than it is. Perhaps, but it gets the point across. Is there something wrong with him texting me when he gets to work to tell me good night, seeing as I don't get to talk to him on the phone before I go to sleep? It's not like we've only been dating for a month.. we've been dating for almost a year. As I said before, I text him saying good night, and good morning, etc. Is it really too much to ask to reciprocate? So he has to text you every day (night) when he gets to work or you'll get upset? It sounds like a chore. Actually sending a text is easy; it's the expectation that it's required (and the consequence - your mood - of failure) that makes it a burden. Wouldn't you rather that he text you 'good night' because he genuinely wanted to wish you a good night and to let you know that he was thinking about you rather than because it was expected of him?
Enchanted Girl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 The way you say it makes it sound worse than it is. Is there something wrong with him texting me when he gets to work to tell me good night, seeing as I don't get to talk to him on the phone before I go to sleep? It's not like we've only been dating for a month.. we've been dating for almost a year. As I said before, I text him saying good night, and good morning, etc. Is it really too much to ask to reciprocate? It isn't a big deal, but notice how this man reacted. This is what the majority of men are usually thinking (and probably your boyfriend as well since he's not doing it half the time) and aren't necessarily thinking out loud. This is why you have to back off. Once you make the texting seem voluntary and not like something you are forcing them to do, they usually stop thinking of it in this way as much.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 And instead of getting mad, when he does do it right, say,"It makes me so happy when you text me and say good night!" Positive reinforcement of a man sometimes works better than criticizing him when he messes up.
snug.bunny Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 It sounds like you are asking (actually, requiring) him to check in with you all the time. He's not a child and you're not his mom. I agree with this. You said "most of the time he does, but sometimes he just won't", so I can't help fail to see what the issue is. And I don't advise playing games by ignorning texts as previously mentioned, as a means to solve what you deem as a lack of [insert your own word], because then you're just being spitefull. Maybe re-exam your level of expectations, and learn to be okay with "most of the time" versus honing in on when he "just won't". We all have our gripes and things that we want and need within a relationship, so you have to decide what is negotiable and what isn't, what is fair and reasonable.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I agree with this. You said "most of the time he does, but sometimes he just won't", so I can't help fail to see what the issue is. And I don't advise playing games by ignorning texts as previously mentioned, as a means to solve what you deem as a lack of [insert your own word], because then you're just being spitefull. Maybe re-exam your level of expectations, and learn to be okay with "most of the time" versus honing in on when he "just won't". We all have our gripes and things that we want and need within a relationship, so you have to decide what is negotiable and what isn't, what is fair and reasonable. Actually, its not playing games, its just putting less pressure on someone. And also when you force yourself to do other things instead of focusing on whether they text you or not, you stop needing it as much or caring. Like I said, I've been in this situation before. I've done the begging and the pleading and crying and whatever and I've also done the ignoring and the ignoring works better for both them and for me.
snug.bunny Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Actually, its not playing games, its just putting less pressure on someone. And also when you force yourself to do other things instead of focusing on whether they text you or not, you stop needing it as much or caring. Like I said, I've been in this situation before. I've done the begging and the pleading and crying and whatever and I've also done the ignoring and the ignoring works better for both them and for me. Ignoring someone when/if they ignore you, is playing games, actually it's being passive aggressive. Forcing yourself to do other things to alleviate the need to control the situation, is a much better approach.
Author lemonlegs Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 You said "most of the time he does, but sometimes he just won't", so I can't help fail to see what the issue is. And I don't advise playing games by ignorning texts as previously mentioned, as a means to solve what you deem as a lack of [insert your own word], because then you're just being spitefull. Maybe re-exam your level of expectations, and learn to be okay with "most of the time" versus honing in on when he "just won't". We all have our gripes and things that we want and need within a relationship, so you have to decide what is negotiable and what isn't, what is fair and reasonable. I do agree with this. I ususally stop to think if I'm being irrational... then I'll let it slide. But then other times, I feel like I am being reasonable because I'm not asking that much of him. But I do agree with the PP, that it would be nice to get it out of the blue, which he does do sometimes. Mostly, I don't get mad if it's jsut a good night thing. For example, last night he didn't say anything, but I still texted him saying that I loved him and I hope he had a good night. When he says things like, "I forgot", it makes it seem as though I never pop into his head, which would then prompt him to say something. As I said, for the most part, he's good. Maybe I'll just stop saying, "text me when you get to work" and he'll do it on his own terms.
EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 And also when you force yourself to do other things instead of focusing on whether they text you or not, you stop needing it as much or caring. . Excellent point! We need to guard ourselves with things like this and not fall into the trap of needing texts for validation. I am speaking for myself here as well as I can do the exact same thing. This is an interesting thread.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Ignoring someone when/if they ignore you, is playing games, actually it's being passive aggressive. Forcing yourself to do other things to alleviate the need to control the situation, is a much better approach. I didn't say it had to be passive aggressive. I just meant that if she did this, she'd get more of what she wanted along with feeling less badly about it.
snug.bunny Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I do agree with this. I ususally stop to think if I'm being irrational... then I'll let it slide. But then other times, I feel like I am being reasonable because I'm not asking that much of him. But I do agree with the PP, that it would be nice to get it out of the blue, which he does do sometimes. Mostly, I don't get mad if it's jsut a good night thing. For example, last night he didn't say anything, but I still texted him saying that I loved him and I hope he had a good night. When he says things like, "I forgot", it makes it seem as though I never pop into his head, which would then prompt him to say something. As I said, for the most part, he's good. Maybe I'll just stop saying, "text me when you get to work" and he'll do it on his own terms. Is it safe to say that you equate his quantity of texts, as an expression of his love/devotion? The instances when/if he doesn't makes you feel [insert description]. Try working with that in terms of your feelings and your own foundation, it helps to have a clear perception not just with your boyfriend, but with/of yourself as well.
snug.bunny Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I didn't say it had to be passive aggressive. I just meant that if she did this, she'd get more of what she wanted along with feeling less badly about it. I understand now what you were getting at, we just phrased it differently.
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