aypforever Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I'm new around here. It's always nice to have people to talk to that are in similar situations. This is long, but it's an easy read. Please follow me... Back story: Both 25 years old. Dated for 4.5 years. Hardly ever had disagreements. Both in school. So, back in October I ask to go on a break, because things kept piling up on me with her. I needed my space to really figure out my life, which is exactly what I needed to do. After a week, she says she can't deal with it anymore and wants to break up. This tore me up. I was 100 miles away at school, alone, with no friends. We keep in contact off and on throughout the month and finally we meet up again at the end of the month. We end up fooling around and everything seems to be going well. This goes on every couple of weeks until december. In December we have a conversation and she lands the "soul-mate" bomb. This catches me off guard, because who uses that term and isn't wanting to be together. She states that she wants me to date others.. okay.. whatever. We go on vacation for a week with my family and her. It was awkward as we shared a bed the whole trip. This of course brought feelings up. We stop talking for awhile because I let her know how I feel. She texts me to come over 2 weeks later.. we fool around once again and for the last time. After this day we are no longer fooling around, but she'd call me to come over and hang out and then we would sometimes fall asleep together. Beginning of March.. I let out everything in an email. I let her know everything I feel about her. At this point I let her know we need to not speak for awhile. I haven't talked to her since march 11th which was the day she called me to get her stuff she left at my place. The next day was my b-day, I half expected at least a text from her. Nothing. So, it's been about a month since we've really talked. I get a text from her yesterday asking if I would ever think about being friends again. I don't want to be friends. I want more than that. I haven't responded and don't plan to for awhile. But really, what's her motive here? Why now? I'm not looking hard into this. I'm very upset about the situation. She knew I was in a ****ty place in my life when we broke up, and she chose to ditch me after 4.5 years rather than help me through it. I would have done anything for her. I don't want to lose her, but at this point, I can't see myself being friends. There will always be the sexual tension. I should also mention.. I'm not quite sure why someone would want to be just friends. Especially when the sex was great and it was made painfully obvious that she still wanted me for that over the past 6 months. I am in a pickle.
0hpenelope Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 When you tell her "I can't be friends with you," you are establishing boundaries for yourself and what you want. Dumpees have gotten their exes back through staying friends, but they'll tell you how hard it is. I tried that, but all I became was a friends with benefits partner and I realized that much later. I think your decision to sit and wait a while to respond is a good one. You have time to clear your head and by the time you do, hopefully you'll have a clear head and not come across overly-emotional in your response to her.
longterm Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I'm in the same boat. I flat out told her that I DONT want to be friends. There is no way that you could. Well, yes for some, but you really have to trust that person in how they once felt about you. In most cases, they are feeling FREE once again. They WILL dabble out there to see if they "still got what it takes" and will go for guys that hit on them. Then they make their decision. Usually they go with the other guy for a little while. Once they see that you're finally not gonna take it or that you're just fine in life... they come back. I don't suggest this for you and I am glad to see that you told her you cant be friends. Good call. It's in her court once again in terms of being in a relationship with you. Whatever happens, at least you keep your dignity and you can also do whatever you want! I wanted to vomit when one of my old X's told me I could see other people. I didn't want anyone else. Then I met a hottie! I went too fast though. hahah. That's my other post on here. If too much time goes by, I hope you meet someone new yourself!
Author aypforever Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Like I said, I haven't responded yet. I am going to wait a couple days, hopefully. I guess the only thing really to do at this point is to be honest with her about what I want..
longterm Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Careful with expressing your feelings here. Personally, I would stick with your NC. You don't want to be friends! She is requesting this from you now but she also is having you as a booty call. She teases with the idea you will be together but she is not really thinking you're "back". This is why she is asking "can we be friends?". Sure, she would. She would think oh great we are just friends and then have you on the side while she does whatever she wants. You would be crushed. Stick with the program. No friends. Don't allow any more of this booty call crap unless of course you're ok with that. You be in control of YOU. She will do whatever she wants but can't give her the ok on this one. She either wants to be with you, or not. Only SHE will make this decision herself. Expressing your feelings will only come to her as an ultimatum I think. It's going to look as a do or die. I would just stick with the NC like I said. Let her make the decision herself but be cautious that she doesn't just keep coming back for a little here and there.
Author aypforever Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 It's not so much expressing "feelings" as much as just saying "friend's wouldn't be a good idea right now." And I get it. I know she would like to have me there to talk to and be comforted by. Which is the frustrating part.. Why want this, but not the relationship..?? This coming from a guy that's been in 2 long term relationships than have been ended semi-similar.. Both broke up with me, but then wanted me around still. Seems silly. You either want me or you don't.
Author aypforever Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 So.. just sent her a message.. I do not think we can be friends. It wouldn't be fair. Back to the NC....
Author aypforever Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 And a response.. I understand. I wasn't trying to force you. I just wanted to know how you felt about it. Damnitttttttt there's those feelings.
Fufu Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) As long as the dumpee has romantic feelings for the dumper, no friendship, because this is very unhealthy for the dumpee's well being. Maintain your NC, i know initially it is hard but it does get better and in no time, NC will become your best buddy. When my ex broke up with me, he asked me to be his good friend. From gf to good friend, wtf is this I thought, sounds like a major demotion to me. To me, when he broke up with me for real, he no longer treats me as a friend in baseline. Tell yourself this, will your ex gf tells her best friend this, " I will break up this friendship, but you can be my normal friend." Edited April 9, 2011 by Fufu
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