Crippling Insecurity...In need of kick up the backside!

April 8, 2011

Hi guys, Ive been reading posts on this forum for a while and finally decided to post something myself as I am in desperate need of the kind of constructive, to the point advice that I've seen on here.

Basically I'm a jealous, insecure husk of a woman.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year and things are going perfectly...on the surface at least. I've never been in a long term relationship before so this was all new and special to me until the rose tinted glasses came off. I'm not his first, I knew that from the start, but recently its been really getting to me... Mostly knowing that I will never be special to him like he is to me. He's been through all this before...been in love, experienced new things with someone else, been there done that worn the T-shirt kinda thing. Yeah I know this is highly needy and stupid thinking but that's the problem!

It's irrational yet I can't stop these thoughts from infecting my life and my relationship. He used to bring up his ex a lot in conversations, what they did, how she used to act, the things she did/said, what she looked like, where she works, thier sex life, how great her family were, how much it hurt when they broke up etc. He's stopped now, apart from the odd mention of her randomly, but those things still float around in my head constantly, causing me to worry about how much he's thinking about her, and whether or not he would be with her now if he had the chance, and the thought of that absolutely cuts me up inside They still talk and he's still close to her family and I sometimes feel like he isnt quite over her. He wants to take me to all the places they went, do the things they did and even move to the area she lives in :mad:I even stooped to the level of checking her FB, just to see if she was any competition for me...I wish I hadn't, lets just say that if I were a guy, I'd chose her over me...

I also recently found out through a mutual friend that he used to have sex with a girl he said were only friends...I know this was before he met me, but why lie about it? He doesn't know that I know, and they keep chatting to eachother on FB like old buddies and it really gets on my nerves. I even jokingly said to him that she looks pretty easy and he said "ooh yeah if only I'd known that a few months ago ha ha ha..."

I guess he was right to lie as I'm obviously too insecure to handle the truth

I can't help but wonder whether I'm even important to him at all sometimes...but I know this is my irrational, insecure self speaking...he's the kindest most loving person I've ever met and I'm doing him a great injustice by complaining like this, but I can't keep it to myself any longer

I'd never, ever consider snooping through emails, texts or FB to try and validate these ridiculous suspicions of mine but sometimes I have to resist the urge...I just don't want to degrade myself to that level!

Although I did find a bag in his room (which, in my defense was in a pile of other crap and half spilled out in the corner) which was filled with loads of photos of her, the two of them, old love letters, presents etc (bearing in mind they have been split up for two years) At first I put the bag away and carried on with the housework but I couldn't resist and read one of the letters I still feel terrible about it, it was such a breach of privacy and I only made myself feel worse. Now it seems that everything nice he's ever said to be has been repeated from those letters, literally word for word... It took the last of anything special out of the relationship for me in the end.

So does anyone have any advice for me? I'd greatly appreciate it...bearing in mind these situations are being told by a girl whose insecurities have blown them way out of proportion, so a pinch of salt may be neccesary.

Katie

April 9, 2011

I feel like I'm reading my own story here. I've been through basically all of these things in my current relationship. I'm 2 1/2 years in, though, and this crap has been eating me alive for 2 years. I can tell you that it does get better with time. Like you, my boyfriend was also my first and I was his second time around the block. But your case is different from mine in that his ex lives in another state. He talked to her until October, when I told him I was done with that crap and it was time for him to MOVE ON from her (but he had lied to me about having any contact with her when we started dating as well - if I had known in the beginning, at least then I could say I walked into it).

We broke up briefly in January after I discovered that some pictures he had agreed to back up to disc were still all over his computer months later. I told him it was time to really let this girl go or he was going to lose me. After dealing with this for 2 years, the pain is finally starting to subside. I am still fearful, admittedly, that more signs of his interest in her is going to surface.

Get out now. The girl's nearby, he's still in with her family, he wants to move near her, he keeps photos of her everywhere, etc. He's just not over her. I understand that's painful, and really I don't think the issue is he's the first person you love with and the first you've had sex with, and you're the 2nd, 3rd...fourth...God knows what for him - it's that he still treats those past experiences like they still impact him and have meaning for him. And they shouldn't anymore.

I gave my ex-boyfriend oral sex. I felt like I was in love with my ex-boyfriend. But all of that should pale in comparison to your present relationship because there's a reason your ex didn't make it to your present. But the issue here is that your boyfriend is keeping his ex in his present for some reason. Is he in love with her still? Maybe. Was she fatally flawed and he knows it, but he's still attracted to her? Maybe. Does he have an extreme policy of just sharing his life with you, even all of the dirty parts you don't want to know about?

In my opinion, it's just a sign of immaturity, cruelty, maliciousness, and ignorance to opine about your ex-girlfriend to your new beau. The ex flunked out! Class is over! Somebody else is here for try-outs and the last thing they want to deal with is constantly being compared to the ex. I never did feel like I could compete with his ex's memory and that still troubles me to this day. But there are also troubles in our relationship that have made me believe he's not in love with me. But no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine.

And so will you - but in your case it's crystal-clear that it's time to leave. It's disrespectful to leave pictures of your ex out (I had to tell my beau it was time for him to DELETE pictures of his ex off of his flickr several montsh ago, as he knew I accessed it and tons of our friends and family members did as well. Mutual friends of ours would look at his flickr, see the pics and invariably ask who she was while I sat there and bristled).

And this issue may follow you into your next relationships too - I know if I'm ever in another that I will invariably start to get upset if an ex ever comes up, because I'm automatically going to assume he's also got ex issues. Get "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms and Cures." The book has lots of suggestions for dealing with this jealousy.

I hope for the very best for you. I know it is the worst feeling in the world to experience this.

April 9, 2011

To that end, in this situation your jealousy is JUSTIFIED. He doesn't have to be full-on screwing or making out with a girl for you to feel jealous. He's taking actions and saying things that are threatening the quality of a relationship that you value. She's the focus of his thoughts when his thoughts focused around romance should be on YOU.

Too often, people who have jealous partners blame just the partner - but that's because they're fools who don't want to take responsibility for harmful behaviors that induce jealousy. My partner blamed me for the jealousy for a long time - until I discussed this issue with dozens of people and not a single one agreed with his standpoint. In fact, they all blamed him for the behaviors that contributed to the jealousy.

Being "too insecure" or "too jealous" would be getting upset if he's going out to lunch with a female co-worker in whom he has shown no previous interest, forbidding him from speaking to other women, etc. What you're experiencing is a natural reaction to hurtful behavior.

April 10, 2011

I don't agree with the above poster. Just because he has pictures around still doesn't mean that he is still hung up on her. My bf of 3 years STILL has his ex's pics stuffed into this desktop pen-holder thing, along with some cards from her. They just sit there, collecting dust, occasionally getting pushed around when he goes searching for something. At first it annoyed me but I didn't want to be the insecure girlfriend so I never said anything. It became pretty obvious that he never looks at them, they're just there. Not that big deal. I know he has tons of pictures on his computer but there tucked away in some picture folder with a sh*t-ton of other old pictures. I did say something when I saw they were on his phone when he first got it... they ended up there when he synced his phone and he didn't intentionally try to load those particular pics. He promptly removed them.

Anyway point is, just because he has pictures or letters lying around doesn't mean he's still into her. I was a lot like you in the beginning, still am sometimes. I think you need to focus more on yourself rather that thinking and stressing about your relationship so much. When I get into that funk it eats me up, literally. I get depressed, feel like I'm not good enough, feel like he doesn't give a sh*t about me...it's really awful and pathetic. I was in one of those funks a couple weeks ago and I just couldn't stand the way I felt. I couldn't stand to feel so down on myself and my relationship for no real reason in particular, so I started going back to the gym and focusing my attention more on myself...it's something I should be doing anyway. I decided I was way too invested in my relationship and not enough in myself as an individual. I absolutely feel better today, I look a little better and I am proud of myself for detaching a little. We need to have a life OUTSIDE our relationship.

April 11, 2011

Thanks for your replies guys, its good knowing that someone else out there feels the same way, even it mean them sharing in this turmoil...

I sitll don't know whether or not to blame him, me, or the both of us. I think it's mostly me though. Last night, however, we were going through old pics on his laptop, laughing about how goofy he used to look a few years ago, when he clicked a certain folder and some things came up that I saw before he had a chance to close the window. There were tons of naked pictures of his ex it wasn't nice too see, let me tell you. He also actually showed me a picture of a naked girl that I'd never seen before, and it was definatly "home made" if you know what I mean. I asked him who it was and he just said "oh nobody" like it was nothing. If it were the other way around and I had naked pictures of my computer of guys in my past or random guys holding their peice in the mirror then I think he'd be pretty put out! I just don't know what to make of it!

Katie

April 11, 2011

Like you, my boyfriend was also my first and I was his second time around the block. But your case is different from mine in that his ex lives in another state. He talked to her until October, when I told him I was done with that crap and it was time for him to MOVE ON from her (but he had lied to me about having any contact with her when we started dating as well - if I had known in the beginning, at least then I could say I walked into it).

We broke up briefly in January after I discovered that some pictures he had agreed to back up to disc were still all over his computer months later. I told him it was time to really let this girl go or he was going to lose me. After dealing with this for 2 years, the pain is finally starting to subside. I am still fearful, admittedly, that more signs of his interest in her is going to surface.

I gave my ex-boyfriend oral sex. I felt like I was in love with my ex-boyfriend. But all of that should pale in comparison to your present relationship because there's a reason your ex didn't make it to your present. But the issue here is that your boyfriend is keeping his ex in his present for some reason. Is he in love with her still? Maybe. Was she fatally flawed and he knows it, but he's still attracted to her? Maybe. Does he have an extreme policy of just sharing his life with you, even all of the dirty parts you don't want to know about?

In my opinion, it's just a sign of immaturity, cruelty, maliciousness, and ignorance to opine about your ex-girlfriend to your new beau. The ex flunked out! Class is over! Somebody else is here for try-outs and the last thing they want to deal with is constantly being compared to the ex. I never did feel like I could compete with his ex's memory and that still troubles me to this day. But there are also troubles in our relationship that have made me believe he's not in love with me. But no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine.

I had to tell my beau it was time for him to DELETE pictures of his ex off of his flickr several montsh ago, as he knew I accessed it and tons of our friends and family members did as well. Mutual friends of ours would look at his flickr, see the pics and invariably ask who she was while I sat there and bristled).

WOW our stories are so similar! I hope everything is ok for you now, I'm glad you had the guts to get out of that relationship...I should but I don't want to lose this guy One day i'll kick myself...I'm always second best in everything I do, I guess it spills over in to relationships too...

Katie

April 11, 2011

I don't agree with the above poster. Just because he has pictures around still doesn't mean that he is still hung up on her. My bf of 3 years STILL has his ex's pics stuffed into this desktop pen-holder thing, along with some cards from her. They just sit there, collecting dust, occasionally getting pushed around when he goes searching for something. At first it annoyed me but I didn't want to be the insecure girlfriend so I never said anything. It became pretty obvious that he never looks at them, they're just there. Not that big deal. I know he has tons of pictures on his computer but there tucked away in some picture folder with a sh*t-ton of other old pictures. I did say something when I saw they were on his phone when he first got it... they ended up there when he synced his phone and he didn't intentionally try to load those particular pics. He promptly removed them.

Anyway point is, just because he has pictures or letters lying around doesn't mean he's still into her. I was a lot like you in the beginning, still am sometimes. I think you need to focus more on yourself rather that thinking and stressing about your relationship so much. When I get into that funk it eats me up, literally. I get depressed, feel like I'm not good enough, feel like he doesn't give a sh*t about me...it's really awful and pathetic. I was in one of those funks a couple weeks ago and I just couldn't stand the way I felt. I couldn't stand to feel so down on myself and my relationship for no real reason in particular, so I started going back to the gym and focusing my attention more on myself...it's something I should be doing anyway. I decided I was way too invested in my relationship and not enough in myself as an individual. I absolutely feel better today, I look a little better and I am proud of myself for detaching a little. We need to have a life OUTSIDE our relationship.

Your situation is entirely different from what we're talking about here - my boyfriend (I didn't break up with him permanently, Katie) agreed to back up the pictures. Otherwise, they were everywhere in places he knew I would see - his flickr, his desktop, etc., in very obvious places. I don't expect him to get rid of the pictures. But I expect him to be respectful and not leave them in obvious places or intentionally expose them to me. Collecting dust is one thing. "Hey, wanna see a pic of my ex?" is another.

Naked pictures of girls, Katie? It's definitely time for you to get out. Why on Earth does he think you want to see naked pictures of ex-paramours? The lack of respect could not be more obvious in this situation. At the very least, he owed you an apology for exposing you to them.

I can say that it does get better with time but I don't know if it ever permanently goes away. My boyfriend stopped most of his jealousy-inducing behaviors around the year, year and a half mark. We're not 2 1/2 years in and I'm still deeply affected by it.

He eventually got rid of her phone number, stopped talking to her on-line, etc. (up until a few months ago), but the fact is I had to bring up my discomfort with this and how much she consumed our relationship before he even bothered. Some of these culminated in arguments that persisted for months.

At the end of the day, she's physically "gone" now - but the insecurities are all still there. His ex lives in another state. Not a day goes by when I wonder if he only got rid of traces of her because he knew that when it came down to it, it was easier to be with me than to pursue a girl who lives several hundred miles away. And I know that I am far better-looking than his ex-girlfriend. I know that my personality is a much better complement to his.

But the fact is that he injected poison into our situation when he thought it was a good idea to recount early on the first time that she gave him oral sex, or how he wanted to send her an autographed book, or told me I would have liked her. Comparing your current girlfriend to your ex-girlfriend is poison. Guys, girls, if you're reading this: don't do it.

You're thinking about it in a smart way: in the reverse, would he be jealous? Oh God, almost certainly if he cares about you at all. My boyfriend was jealous when he first met one of my male co-workers at a get-together. The co-worker was hilarious and I'd talk about the funny things he had done at work that week. But other than that, I rarely if ever called the guy, texted him, etc (the co-worker is also about 15 years my senior - I've never found him attractive).

I could imagine how jealous my boyfriend would be if I said, "You remember my ex, John? Hey, look at these pictures of the two of us together! Aww! Hey, remember that wall you were leaning against when I first gave you oral sex? That's how I gave it to John, too! You know, he wasn't as quick to get finished as you are. I should call John sometime. You know, he really loved this book. I'm going to send him a copy!"

And that's the same here. If they can't take it but they can dish it out, then they need to ask themselves why. In my case, when my boyfriend had to experience jealousy over me for the first time, suddenly he was much more understanding and compromising about the behaviors that induced jealousy. That is, suddenly he was much more willing to back up those photos to disk to let them collect dust.

And really, it's not one or two little things that determine if your jealousy is out of the question or not. Your boyfriend's pictures and cards from an ex, left to sit in a drawer and collect dust? Cool. Wouldn't make me jealous. Your boyfriend doing that, still being in touch with her family, wanting to move to where she lives, always telling you about her, telling you about their sex life, etc. Now, that's a definite red flag there.

I can't say for sure if the guy's "not over her," Katie. It's possible at the beginning of the relationship that he wasn't. It's possible that he's still not. In any case, it is more than time for you to stand your ground.

Get "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures" and read it. Ask him to read it, too. Jealousy of this kind is almost always a two-person trigger. You weren't jealous when you knew he had slept with a girl before you, right? No, of course not. Neither was I. After all, this was before the myriads of other incidents that led you to believe maybe he wasn't over her. I doubt you're a "jealous person" - perhaps you have a higher propensity for jealousy, but you are not needlessly jealous. He triggered your jealousy, and now you are reacting to a threat by expressing jealousy.

There are lots of proposed cures for it -desensitization is one. Thinking about it over and over again, recording yourself talking to it and playing it back to yourself several times a day. Group therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can help. Trying to focus on the concretes, the things which you know to be true and the positive can provide some relief.

Flooding can also work - essentially, your boyfriend just bombards you with as much information as he can about his day and his every thought in an honest way. I've also heard that partners returning the jealous feelings can help a person's jealousy. In the book I mentioned, a man's wife was overly jealous that he was cheating on her (obviously not a similar case to this, but still a possible solution). He wasn't actually jealous of his wife, but he started to return the jealousy from time-to-time. He'd call her from work and that eventually reduced her jealousy - the fact that he was so "worried" about losing her made her feel wanted and desired by him.

Yes, focusing on your own life can help also - volunteer, go to school, get a job, hang out with your friends. Give yourself less time to focus on the hurt.

But ultimately your boyfriend continues to do hurtful things and apparently is happy to ignore your feelings. Have you really talked to him about this, Katie? It's more than time for you to establish your boundaries and make clear what you will and won't accept. That's not being controlling - that's setting your own limits and saying, "You can continue to do X, but the consequence is that I'm not going to deal with it and this relationship is over."

I am preparing to head to therapy with my boyfriend so we can hopefully tackle this issue and start to move on with our relationship. I'm not overly hopeful but I'm willing to try it. But healing means that your boyfriend has to be WILLING to admit to his wrongs and WORK with you on the relationship.

I usually tell my boyfriend when I'm jealous - and he knows that it's time to either leave me alone and give me my distance or bombard me with reassurance. I hope there will come a day when I am no longer haunted by how long it took him after that break-up to really start moving on with her.

Because no matter what a man says, if he has to talk to you about his ex all the time or every day or bring up random stories about her, especially about the sex and all of that, he is not over her. He can claim it's because he didn't want to sound boring and he didn't want to appear to have no life (my boyfriend's excuse), or she's his best friend or any other number of excuses, but if that kind of behavior persists for more than a few months into a relationship, it's a definite red flag. Some people can tolerate a boyfriend slowly healing or moving on from his ex while in the relationship with his new beau. And some are absolutely tormented and haunted by it.

I still often ask myself, "It took more than a year of being with me before this guy acted serious enough to start getting rid of traces of her. What did I do wrong? Was he not that into me?" And I have to remind myself that it was HIS problem, not mine, that he wasn't over her. It was HIS problem that he started dating before he was ready and willing to move on.

How long was he broken up with his ex before he started dating you, Katie? In my case, they'd been broken up for nearly 2 years before we started dating. More than enough time to clear out house.

The other day, I discovered a bin in my closet when I was moving some things. I opened it and saw old awards from high school, photos of classmates...and several photos of my ex. These were not photos I had taken, but his mother. There were also a few cards. It appears I stored them 6 months into my relationship with my ex, judging by the card - we dated for just over a year.

I tore all of the pictures up. If they're just sitting there collecting dust anyway, why bother? For years, I didn't even remember that I had them. The card sailed into the trash in pieces afterwards.

I don't need to keep them to remember the fun times we had, or what he looked like. I rarely think about him except when I come here and post (since the focus is, after all, on relationships). There's no problem with keeping pictures to want to look at from time-to-time, but it's when people are insistent that they keep the pictures and they act like they would die if they didn't get to keep them. You were there, you remember what happened. If it's your ex and they supposedly don't mean anything to you anymore, why are you that bent out of shape if something happens to the shots?

April 11, 2011

Comeundone: I agree that I need to make more of my own life so that I have some individuality and something else to focus on, that is really good advice. I'm currently working out and focusing on my degree in the hopes that I can get a little more self confidence outside of the relationship. On the other subject, I wish his photos and cards really were collecting dust We cleared out his house together a few days ago and yet again, more of her old stuff was bundled into a bag labelled "DO NOT THROW" more cards, gifts, pictures, love notes etc. I didnt say anything because I don't feel like its my place to be telling him to get rid of personal things, but it just kinda hurts my feelings....especially since he threw away the cards that my family gave us at christmas, yet he insists on keeping the cards to he and his ex from her family, from years ago! I don't understand it I hope I'm not onto a real bad thing here...

Oh and they have started talking again, I found out. She's been calling him and texting him, he's been open about the texts but the call was slightly suspicious. When she called he hurridly answered it and told me it was nobody after but I already saw the caller ID and it was her Again I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be THAT girl, you know? But I wonder whether its worth hurting my feelings for all the time

He told me that he only talks about his ex/compares us because he wants to show me how great I am compared to her, but the point is I'm still being compared, for example when he told me that I was better at oral sex than she was (I mean, why do I want to know that right after the deed?? Talk about a mood-killer :\) which means she's still on his mind, and there must be things he compares without telling me too... I will have to have a long hard think about this relationship....

Kelemort you are totally right, my bf gets so jealous when I talk about other guys, even if I wasn't even involved with them. I keep details about guys I've been out with to a minimum, and only tell him things when he inquires, for the sake of his feelings. For example I would never say "Ohh my ex works there!" or "I really loved my ex's family, we were so close, they were like the parents I never had, I really miss that" like he has said to me!

Seems like every day I find out something new which bothers me that little bit more

Katie

Edited April 11, 2011 by KatieB

April 11, 2011

We all have pasts, and lots of us have residual feelings to process from that past. This is unfinished business, and it's unhealthy. However, many people (us men, especially) have trouble dealing with unfinished business. We're prone to trying to tough it out when really, we need to process those feelings, feel them, acknowledge they exist, and by that process we can let them go. It's more likely that a woman will have a good cry to grieve the loss of a relationship than a man will, but humans need to grieve, no matter what the sex.

Maybe take a step back, mentally, and approach your present-day issues with one another by breaking them down into different parts. Sounds to me that it's the finding out that's mostly causing you harm. It must be frustrating feeling unable to stop this behaviour and yet being hurt by it. Maybe take a break from each other and explain why. Something like this:

I want us to take a break from one another.

I get upset when your ex keeps appearing, either in conversation or photos or boxes of mementoes. I realise she was important to you, and it seems you have some unresolved feelings about her. Whilst I understand this, I'm not her and I don't like being compared to her or finding these reminders of her around.

I'm not the person to talk to share this with because it affects me quite a lot. I'd like you to respect that she and I are different people, to do something with all the mementoes such that I'm not going to find them here there and everywhere, and for you to deal with your feelings for her yourself. It's okay to ask for help - maybe from a therapist - to do this. When you've dealt with those feelings and decide who you want to be with, let me know.

I won't compete with you.

April 11, 2011

Great suggestions, betterdeal. Katie, you are letting all of your needs and wants get trampled on out of fear of being "that girl." What's it going to take for you to start asserting yourself - when you walk in and find him sleeping with his ex? My God, you can't even enjoy sex without this guy telling you you're better. And while on the surface that may seem flattering, it's probably more likely spurred because he's still upset or unsure of his relationship with his ex, and he's trying to convince himself that he's not. His mind should be on you - my God, you're the one pleasing him.

Stop accepting and tolerating this crap. It's painful - don't get me wrong. It's been 3 months now since I've really been reminded of his ex. But I've gone to quite some lengths in the past over this very issue.

For a long time, my boyfriend kept pictures of his ex everywhere. We fought and fought about this issue. He tried to claim that I was being controlling by asking that he not leave them in places he knew I would see, or where relatives and friends of ours would see it and say, "Hey, I saw that picture he put up. Who is that girl?" He always tried to put the guilt and responsibility for the entire situation on me, when really all along he was the one who hadn't yet tied up his emotional interests in his ex-girlfriend. It was just easier for him to blame, blame, blame.

Eventually I packed up everything he had ever given me, let me borrow, etc. I don't advise doing this, but was I ever pissed off and tired of dealing with this crap. I drove to his house, knocked on the door and walked in carrying all of those bags. I started unpacking them and I think he started to realize that the crap had hit the fan when he saw some gifts he had given me in the pile. I told him that I had reached my limit and I wasn't going to play second fiddle to his ex anymore. He could do what he wanted, but there would be consequences to that behavior.

There is a healthy balance somewhere in sharing your past relationships. I don't think a girlfriend ever needs to know how she "compares" to an ex-girlfriend sexually or in any other way. We are two different and unique people. I hope we're not that similar, because his relationship with her ultimately didn't work out.

If I see a picture or two here and there, that's fine. If it's periodically telling me a story and she was involved, that's fine. He has a past and I have mine. I'm sure he's seen some pictures of my ex and me before. The difference is that I don't keep them dangling in front of his face, I don't lie about talking to my ex, etc. Those are all just hurtful and stupid things for a person to do.

Katie, I think that you need to leave your relationship. That's the honest truth. I think this guy is going to continue hurting you in this way. And when you leave, you need to stand your ground and outline everything that he did that caused this pain - essentially everything you wrote here. And you need to learn how to be assertive in your relationship. Maybe someday he will change. But this is the kind of pain that keeps on giving.

I'm further down the road than you are and the pain has not abated - even after he has FINALLY stopped the behaviors that caused the jealousy (more than 2 years in, more than 4 years after their 1-year long distance relationship ended). I still think there will always be a part of me that asks if he's just not showing what he was expressing all of that time. And that really stinks and it's just not fair to anybody.

DO NOT tolerate being second-best in a relationship again. You now know the warning signs. What he's doing is not normal or healthy - it's cruel. Maybe he didn't have enough time to grieve their break-up. Who knows. The fact is you've been with this guy long enough that this shouldn't be an issue anymore. If he can't stop doing this, it's not your fault and he's not ready.

April 11, 2011

He used to bring up his ex a lot in conversations, what they did, how she used to act, the things she did/said, what she looked like, where she works, thier sex life, how great her family were, how much it hurt when they broke up etc.

...From your original post.

So has my current bf... we have talked about all the same stuff with our exes at some point over the years. Lots of details that sting if I think too much about them, not because he shouldn't have said anything but because I tend to dwell on things and compare myself to her when I shouldn't.

Just because your bf talked about these details doesn't mean he is still into her... it really just depends on the context of the conversation. Were you two talking about relationships or did he randomly state these things out of the blue? Did you two see a picture or some other thing that triggered his memory? See what I am mean? I'm not saying he IS over her but you can't say that he ISN'T based on him having talked about her. Also, you said he USED TO... does that mean he no longer really does? My bf certainly talked about his ex a lot more in the beginning than now. In the beginning is when many of those past relationship details are often discussed... now it's all out on the table and she rarely comes up.

He told me that he only talks about his ex/compares us because he wants to show me how great I am compared to her, but the point is I'm still being compared, for example when he told me that I was better at oral sex than she was (I mean, why do I want to know that right after the deed?? Talk about a mood-killer :\) which means she's still on his mind, and there must be things he compares without telling me too... I will have to have a long hard think about this relationship....

Ya know, guys don't always know what a woman needs... some of us would feel better knowing that we are better in x, y and z that his ex, but some of us would rather he just not mention any comparison at all. He said you are great compared to her, so just pick that out of what he said and let the rest go. My bf has said similar things to me and I know he meant only to let me know how into ME he is, and it sound like you bf was trying to do the same.

How old are you two? (sorry if I missed this somewhere in your posts...)

Oh and they have started talking again, I found out. She's been calling him and texting him, he's been open about the texts but the call was slightly suspicious. When she called he hurridly answered it and told me it was nobody after but I already saw the caller ID and it was her Again I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be THAT girl, you know? But I wonder whether its worth hurting my feelings for all the time

Ok, now I would have spoken up about this. This one is not okay. THAT girl is someone who is insecure of his history, but her calling him present day is clearly not "history" ...and him lying to you is not a good sign. Why didn't you just tell him that you saw it was her? Maybe he did not tell you because he didn't want you to be upset... and this is probably what he'll say if you ask him about it, but him lying hits deeper than the truth of her calling. You need to talk to him about this.

April 11, 2011

Katie, I think that to some degree you are posting here to help manage your frustrations within yourself, that you know you have some insecurities you need to deal with and you are looking for ways to feel better. You sound a lot like me and THIS is exactly what I do. I get frustrated about something and I come here to talk about it. When I type out some scenario that I just went through with my bf, something he did that pissed me off, I can really make it sound like he is an awful guy, and I'm not necessarily trying to, but it's me venting and it just comes out sounding very one-sided. It's real easy to spin a true story to sit heavily in my favor on this board... it just works out that way sometimes because it's only my version. He is not here to defend or explain.

Now I am not saying there are not some issues that need to be talked about within your relationship, I am only saying that maybe some are not as bad as they sound. Talk to him. You have a perfect 'in' by bringing up the phone call from his ex. Communicate with him... ask him why he still talks to her. See what he has to say about it. Does he trip over his words and sound like a bumbling fool or does he have some valid reason for talking to her? If it sounds like it's going to be an ongoing relationship with her and that is something that will really affect you then you need to tell him so. If he doesn't care then there is your answer. After all, if he chooses having a relationship with his EX even when he knows it really bothers you then it's pretty clear where he's at. Right now he DOESN'T know how you really feel because you haven't talked to him, and you haven't talked to him because you don't want to appear insecure. Like I said in my earlier post, she is not "history" if she is still present in his life. Get it out on the table with him and get the answers you need to make an informed decision. Start by communicating.

April 11, 2011

Katie, you need to get some balance in your relationship. I see a lot of double standards here. E.g. he constantly talks about his ex, looks at naked pics of her and other women, keeps her old stuff etc., while you cannot talk to anyone or look at anyone or mention anyone of the opposite sex without him getting extremely jealous. And while you are accommodating enough in this R to actually refrain from such actions out of respect for your partner, he does not. And moreover, he does what he does on purpose, consciously and hurtfully. Think about it. He is totally in control here. He controls what he can do, what you can't do, and he even controls how you feel. OTOH, you have zero control. And he likes it that way. He likes holding the power in the R. That's all there is to it. If you get jealous - and as one of the posters above has already said, you are perfectly justified to be jealous, because he induces that - do not show it under any circumstances. It gives him pleasure and a feeling of superiority. Tell him bluntly and matter-of-factly that his actions are unacceptably, describe where your boundaries are, and let him know that you know exactly what he's up to. Don't cut him any slack. Stand your ground and be firm. You are not crazy. He is. And he wants to MAKE you crazy.

Show him that you have power, too. Focus on yourself, explain you POV clearly and calmly and act accordingly.

I do not believe for one second that he doesn't know what he's doing. It sounds pretty intentional to me.

April 11, 2011

I don't agree with the above poster. Just because he has pictures around still doesn't mean that he is still hung up on her. My bf of 3 years STILL has his ex's pics stuffed into this desktop pen-holder thing, along with some cards from her. They just sit there, collecting dust, occasionally getting pushed around when he goes searching for something. At first it annoyed me but I didn't want to be the insecure girlfriend so I never said anything. It became pretty obvious that he never looks at them, they're just there. Not that big deal. I know he has tons of pictures on his computer but there tucked away in some picture folder with a sh*t-ton of other old pictures. I did say something when I saw they were on his phone when he first got it... they ended up there when he synced his phone and he didn't intentionally try to load those particular pics. He promptly removed them.

Anyway point is, just because he has pictures or letters lying around doesn't mean he's still into her. I was a lot like you in the beginning, still am sometimes. I think you need to focus more on yourself rather that thinking and stressing about your relationship so much. When I get into that funk it eats me up, literally. I get depressed, feel like I'm not good enough, feel like he doesn't give a sh*t about me...it's really awful and pathetic. I was in one of those funks a couple weeks ago and I just couldn't stand the way I felt. I couldn't stand to feel so down on myself and my relationship for no real reason in particular, so I started going back to the gym and focusing my attention more on myself...it's something I should be doing anyway. I decided I was way too invested in my relationship and not enough in myself as an individual. I absolutely feel better today, I look a little better and I am proud of myself for detaching a little. We need to have a life OUTSIDE our relationship.

IF he ONLY had some pictures stuffed in an off-the-beaten path folder on his computer, that'd be one thing. But there is far more than that going on. The ex is still an active role in the OP's boyfriend's life. It's at best unhealthy and at worst disrespectful of the OP's feelings as his current girlfriend.

Basically though it doesn't matter if we decide the boyfriend is "right" or "wrong." What matters is that the OP is uncomfortable, jealous and insecure. The relationship won't work if she continues to feel that way, and frankly the boyfriend should do whatever reasonable to make her feel secure.

Too many people nowadays seem to think they should be able to do whatever they want as an individual with no regard to feelings of their significant other, and then wonder why all their relationships fail miserably.

My advice is to end it unless and until he removes the ex from his life. That's what I would do (I did it before with my ex).

April 11, 2011

What about talking to the guy first?? Some of you seem to think that he is being controlling and hypocritical and it could only be this way if he actually knew about her complaints beforehand, but he doesn't because she hasn't communicated them to him. She just sits there and doesn't say anything to him about her being bothered by any of this, so how he he supposed to know he is being "cruel"? It's cruel if it's intentional, not if he is clueless.

The ex's stuff that she found lying around, well it sounds like he's moving or something because she indicated something about that, and the pictures on his computer they came across by accident... it's not like he said "hey have a look at these nude pics of my ex!" Regarding him being jealous when she has talked about other guys (or her ex?)... and so? He has no idea that she is jealous about HIS ex so how is that being hypocritical? The phone call from the ex and the lying... well THAT is different. He was intentionally deceitful and it needs to be addressed.

He can't change if he doesn't know any of this. Try communicating with him first.

April 11, 2011

People need to be told to get rid of nude pictures of exes when they start dating new people? All joking aside, there are some obvious things here that should be common sense to anybody in a new relationship. There are some, I'll admit, that may not be as obvious (talking about her a lot, talking about her family). Sometimes, people aren't quite aware that they're blabbing so much about a subject...but that can be telling too. If they don't realize they're talking about the ex that much, how much do they think is talking about -too- much?

Correct me if I'm wrong, ComeUndone, but you seem to be justifying a lot of this guy's actions. There is a point at which it's gone too far, and I don't even think that only occurs when he starts blabbing to his ex. The fact is that this girl is still capturing a large portion of his attention - which should be going to his new girlfriend a year into their relationship. Just because the relationship is over doesn't mean that he wants her back, sure - but it also doesn't mean that he's over her and that he doesn't love her, which can be just as damaging. The past clearly is not in the past in this situation.

I agree that she needs to bring all of it up with him - but the fact that he's that disrespectful and this dense to such an extent suggests to me that he's not very likely to change. There are possibilities, but I think that Katie should prepare her exit strategy. I'm dating a man similar to this and I've seen other men like this.

I also don't think that this is an "age" thing - I'm in my mid 20s. I'm not an insecure little girl just because. I was very confident in my relationship until he started pulling a bunch of crap related to his ex, and I'm just not interested in playing games with somebody who is still emotionally, mentally or otherwise invested in an ex-girlfriend, who should have been cast to the side the moment he decided to start dating me.

Katie, it's probably going to be a long road toward healing if he does agree to start changing his behavior. Like I said, I'm nearly 3 years into this relationship and while the brunt of the jealousy-inducing behavior ended about a year and a half ago, some of it lingered on until just a few months ago.

Katie is entirely right to feel hurt, jealous and upset, and I think even before he started calling and talking to his ex. It's one thing to talk about who your ex was, how long you dated, etc. It's another to give your new girlfriend the lusty details of your bedroom romps, and then to tell her while you're being intimate, "Man, you give head soo much better than my ex girlfriend." And that should just be obvious.

April 12, 2011

People need to be told to get rid of nude pictures of exes when they start dating new people? All joking aside, there are some obvious things here that should be common sense to anybody in a new relationship. There are some, I'll admit, that may not be as obvious (talking about her a lot, talking about her family). Sometimes, people aren't quite aware that they're blabbing so much about a subject...but that can be telling too. If they don't realize they're talking about the ex that much, how much do they think is talking about -too- much?

Correct me if I'm wrong, ComeUndone, but you seem to be justifying a lot of this guy's actions. There is a point at which it's gone too far, and I don't even think that only occurs when he starts blabbing to his ex. The fact is that this girl is still capturing a large portion of his attention - which should be going to his new girlfriend a year into their relationship. Just because the relationship is over doesn't mean that he wants her back, sure - but it also doesn't mean that he's over her and that he doesn't love her, which can be just as damaging. The past clearly is not in the past in this situation.

I agree that she needs to bring all of it up with him - but the fact that he's that disrespectful and this dense to such an extent suggests to me that he's not very likely to change. There are possibilities, but I think that Katie should prepare her exit strategy. I'm dating a man similar to this and I've seen other men like this.

I also don't think that this is an "age" thing - I'm in my mid 20s. I'm not an insecure little girl just because. I was very confident in my relationship until he started pulling a bunch of crap related to his ex, and I'm just not interested in playing games with somebody who is still emotionally, mentally or otherwise invested in an ex-girlfriend, who should have been cast to the side the moment he decided to start dating me.

Katie, it's probably going to be a long road toward healing if he does agree to start changing his behavior. Like I said, I'm nearly 3 years into this relationship and while the brunt of the jealousy-inducing behavior ended about a year and a half ago, some of it lingered on until just a few months ago.

Katie is entirely right to feel hurt, jealous and upset, and I think even before he started calling and talking to his ex. It's one thing to talk about who your ex was, how long you dated, etc. It's another to give your new girlfriend the lusty details of your bedroom romps, and then to tell her while you're being intimate, "Man, you give head soo much better than my ex girlfriend." And that should just be obvious.

I'm not justifying his behavior, but I'm not assuming he's automatically a POS, as you are doing. I am telling her to start communicating with him, which she is not currently doing but will need to if she is going to try stay with this man. If you read back, Katie said herself that she doesn't want to lose him, so I am trying to give her some positive suggestions. No offense but I think maybe you are projecting some of the issues you are dealing with in your relationship onto her.

April 12, 2011

Hey guys thanks for the advice, sorry if this situation has come across a little fuzzy and one sided. I really do appreciate all your comments and I've taken them all on board. I wont be able to reply to all the responses individually as it is really difficult on the phonee I'm using, but I did read them all.

I decided to speak to him about the ex issue last night and I'm not sure what to make of it. I told him that I don't like feeling compared to her, that I'm worried that he's still not over her etc and he reassured me that he lovesd me and that I'm the most important person and that he's mortified and embarrassed about his behavior and is really sorry that he made me feel that way. He also said that he only compared me to her because he thought that I would like being positively compared to her, so I said that I don't like being compared at all and he promised to stop.

I do feel better about it now and wish I had told him sooner, rather than festering in my jealousy and worry, but I have yet too see how it develops and whether or not he will again fall back into those habits.

I will ask him about the naked pictures another time when I feel a bit more sure that I'm doing the right thing in bringing it up, like was pointed out in one of the replies, he didn't mean to show me those ones. I also don't think I'm going to pressure him into getting rid of his old mementos as those are his things, his memories and I have to accept that he had a life before me, as difficult as that is.

I'm also in my 20's and feel very childish sometimes when I feel like this, but I know that it isn't just me, its him too.

I just want to be rid of these feelings, I've never felt anything like it before, and its funny how such a seemingly small set of things can cause them. God I feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, sick, jealous, miserable, angry, worried, betrayed....all over some guy and a girl I've never even met, but until youre actually there, experiencing what its like to feel like youre a stand-in until your boyfriend can get his ex back...theres nothing like it.

I'm still annoyed about the double standards issue though, how I am made to feel weird for having male friends, having pictures of me and other guys on my old phone that I havent even used in over a year, or even just talking about other guys, but he can go on and on about his ex, show me pictures, tell me about her, keep naked pictures of her....my god its infuriating! I will talk to him about this another time though, the talk we had last night was long enough I think....

Just makes me wonder what else he has stashed away on that omputer of his, I know he has a lot of old porn but that doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know he has at least two folders of pictures of his ex (naked or otherwise). Its tempting to look, but I really REALLY don't want to stoop to that level. I don't want to get into that obsessive kind of behavior.

Thanks again

Katie

April 12, 2011

Mos of the bad feelings come from feeling helpless. The best thing you can do, if something pisses you off, is tell him. If getting pissed off becomes frequent / constant and you two are talking about it, you have to try something else, like splitting up or relationship counselling, or doing stuff you enjoy doing without each other.

His jealousy sounds like he's worried about losing you. Well, he will if you keep pissing each other off, so work together on making each other feel good, not bad. Sometimes explaining something can clear the air. Other times, you can reach a compromise with each other.

Being clear and precise about your feelings, what causes them, and what you'd like to happen, gives you both stability. If you do this, he might pick it up too. If not, maybe explain to him what you'd like in terms of feedback i.e. for him to be clear about his feelings, what causes it, and what he wants you to do. That has to be the starting point for ironing out the creases.

April 12, 2011

You're right, I'm going to tell him next time something bothers me, not telling causes so many problems and makes the feelings worse. It really is the same effect as an infected wound, better to treat the problem area than risk losing a limb.

I can't get over this fear that he's going to leave me for his ex though. I just can't get over it. All my life my gut feelings have been spot on, and this feels like one of those times, like its building up to it.

Aren't relationships supposed to make you happy? Lol...oh well

Katie

April 12, 2011

Hi guys, Ive been reading posts on this forum for a while and finally decided to post something myself as I am in desperate need of the kind of constructive, to the point advice that I've seen on here.

Basically I'm a jealous, insecure husk of a woman.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year and things are going perfectly...on the surface at least. I've never been in a long term relationship before so this was all new and special to me until the rose tinted glasses came off. I'm not his first, I knew that from the start, but recently its been really getting to me... Mostly knowing that I will never be special to him like he is to me. He's been through all this before...been in love, experienced new things with someone else, been there done that worn the T-shirt kinda thing. Yeah I know this is highly needy and stupid thinking but that's the problem!

It's irrational yet I can't stop these thoughts from infecting my life and my relationship. He used to bring up his ex a lot in conversations, what they did, how she used to act, the things she did/said, what she looked like, where she works, thier sex life, how great her family were, how much it hurt when they broke up etc. He's stopped now, apart from the odd mention of her randomly, but those things still float around in my head constantly, causing me to worry about how much he's thinking about her, and whether or not he would be with her now if he had the chance, and the thought of that absolutely cuts me up inside They still talk and he's still close to her family and I sometimes feel like he isnt quite over her. He wants to take me to all the places they went, do the things they did and even move to the area she lives in :mad:I even stooped to the level of checking her FB, just to see if she was any competition for me...I wish I hadn't, lets just say that if I were a guy, I'd chose her over me...

I also recently found out through a mutual friend that he used to have sex with a girl he said were only friends...I know this was before he met me, but why lie about it? He doesn't know that I know, and they keep chatting to eachother on FB like old buddies and it really gets on my nerves. I even jokingly said to him that she looks pretty easy and he said "ooh yeah if only I'd known that a few months ago ha ha ha..."

I guess he was right to lie as I'm obviously too insecure to handle the truth

I can't help but wonder whether I'm even important to him at all sometimes...but I know this is my irrational, insecure self speaking...he's the kindest most loving person I've ever met and I'm doing him a great injustice by complaining like this, but I can't keep it to myself any longer

I'd never, ever consider snooping through emails, texts or FB to try and validate these ridiculous suspicions of mine but sometimes I have to resist the urge...I just don't want to degrade myself to that level!

Although I did find a bag in his room (which, in my defense was in a pile of other crap and half spilled out in the corner) which was filled with loads of photos of her, the two of them, old love letters, presents etc (bearing in mind they have been split up for two years) At first I put the bag away and carried on with the housework but I couldn't resist and read one of the letters I still feel terrible about it, it was such a breach of privacy and I only made myself feel worse. Now it seems that everything nice he's ever said to be has been repeated from those letters, literally word for word... It took the last of anything special out of the relationship for me in the end.

So does anyone have any advice for me? I'd greatly appreciate it...bearing in mind these situations are being told by a girl whose insecurities have blown them way out of proportion, so a pinch of salt may be neccesary.

Katie

Actually, he talked a lot about his ex, he lied to you about women he's had sex with, from what I can tell your insecurity is actually reasonable..well kind of. What I mean is, you seem to be neurotic as a result of not feeling secure in your RS, and your partner has done plenty to contribute and foster that.

That said, DF is more special to me than any of my past "loves". So, it is not at all true that just because you are not his first, that you won't ever be "special". I have learned it's more about the connection than the "order"

That said, not saying he is cheating or doing anything devious but you ever think maybe this is a product of being in the wrong RS for you? I know you might think it's X,Y,Z and related to these issues, but I bet if you do some really honest and introspective thinking you can pinpoint more than just what you have shared here.

April 12, 2011

Aren't relationships supposed to make you happy? Lol...oh well

Exactly! They are a compliment to our lives, not the be all and end all.

April 12, 2011

Exactly! They are a compliment to our lives, not the be all and end all.

This is so true, I wish I'd thought of it this way sooner

April 13, 2011

With that in mind, he might leave you. In which case, it will hurt, but it's not the end of the world.

Dealing with the present day is going to keep your relationship alive because it means you are alive in the present not the past. That and cutting each other some slack, a bit of space to deal with each's respective other business, whilst knowing your limits. Also maintaining your other interests is important. Having hobbies / sports / interests is just as important as having a lover. Variety is the spice of life.

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