worriedgirl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 So here is my issue My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years and have lived together for the last year. He grew up going dancing all the time, mostly country dancing. He invites me to go regularly, but I don’t know how and although he wants to teach me, I just get uncomfortable in learning. He is a really good dancer and it is intimidating to me I guess. Anyway, we never go dancing and he doesn’t really go out without me except to watch a game with the guys or play golf or something. So, I am going out of town this weekend. He left his email open on his laptop, and I was using it. There was a craigslist posting about finding some girl to go dancing with. I read the posting, and he mentions that he has a girlfriend, and it is in the platonic section, and it says he just wants someone to go dancing with one night this weekend. I asked him about it and he didn’t deny it at all. He even showed me the emails between him and a girl he was thinking about meeting. The emails just talk about dancing, and he even mentions me once (there are only three or four back and forth emails, mostly one or two lines each). The emails pretty much focus on the dancing. Anyway, I started getting a little upset, and he didn’t seem to understand completely. He did send an email cancelling any plans of dancing though. So, should I be upset? Am I overreacting? Should I let him go dancing? Any advice is appreciated.
jt1 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 It seems like your just overreacting. He didn't deny it, showed you the emails and even cancelled the dance. He was looking for a dancing partner, and craigslist was easiest for him I suppose. Maybe it was more comfortable for him to do it this way than meeting them at the place? Has he ever done anything to make you distrusting of him? If he hasn't, then it seems like you don't need to worry about it.
Author worriedgirl Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Do you think so? I just don't like the idea of his hands on another girl all night at a bar. I know he practically grew up going to country bars and dancing with random girls, but I figured he would outgrow it or something, even though he says its just dancing and nothing more. I don't know, he is trying to be understanding but I can tell he is a little bit annoyed about it.
serialgf Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Go dancing with your boyfriend! It's such a simple solution! Get over your insecurity, let him teach you how, practice a bunch of times in the safety of your home, and go out with him! About the email, it sounds totally benign, but you can't expect him to not get what he wants (to go dancing) from you and then just not do it ever. If you want to be happy and for him to be happy, then go dancing with him!
AbeNormal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) Imagine the following scenario (this is mainly for consideration by the posters who don't think there is any reason for you to be uncomfortable by what your BF did). Say you are a great fan of Charlotte Bronte and you want to share your passion, but British literature isn't really your boyfriend's thing. So, one weekend when he is going out of town, you get on Craigslist (purely platonic) and see if anyone with a similar interest wants to get together to discuss Jane Eyre (e.g. the novel in relation to the recent movie) - and you state that you really are looking for a guy's viewpoint. You don't tell your boyfriend about this, but of course your emails are all on the up-and-up because that's really your intent. Your emails are with a guy who is getting his PhD in British literature (and happens to be single), and you plan to meet him at a quiet wine bar to pursue your discussion. Again, you do not discuss this with your boyfriend beforehand. How would your boyfriend feel about this? Would it make him feel somewhere between uncomfortable and alarmed that you didn't even think you should broach this with him beforehand? And why didn't you raise it - is it because you thought (in the back of your mind) that he might in fact be uncomfortable with you meeting some free and single person for a get together while he was away - even though it was just to pursue a passion you happen to have in common with that person (and don't have in common with him) - and he might ask you not to do it even though you really wanted to? Next, would it be reasonable for you to expect that your boyfriend become interested in the writings of Charlotte Bronte - since, after all, you'd like a guy's input - and OTHERWISE you'd give thought to seeking out some other guy (purely platonic of course) for one-on-one get-togethers? Would you think that maybe his reaction would be for you to join a club that meets as a group somewhere like Barnes and Nobles, and for you to say that he is always welcome to come along and spend his time browsing the store, or whatever, should he so chose (i.e. everything defined and clear). And don't you think that just not having things hidden by omission might be a good thing (since trust is the very foundation of a relationship, and even hairline cracks can grow if not addressed early)? Back to your actual situation. I think your boyfriend was hedging a bit, and I understand why you are concerned. That doesn't mean he had any really bad intentions, BUT he probably processed the fact that you might not approve. Perhaps this episode is just one of those things that begs a little corrective measure and will serve to more clearly define the boundaries... Personally, I'd give a "no-go" to meeting single women on Craigslist for a "purely platonic" night out, and in my view that is not in any way an unreasonable boundary to set. Perhaps he can find a club (or simply a group of people) that likes to go out dancing every so often and are willing to exchange partners - then you can tag along if you want and watch the fun. You might find yourself wanting to give it a go and take some lessons (or just say "what the heck" and let him show you), but that's not something you have to do for your relationship to be healthy. Just my thoughts. Good luck. Edited April 9, 2011 by AbeNormal
Melocoton Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Should you be upset? You can't control your emotions, they are as they are Are you overreacting? No, you felt threatened by your man dancing at a bar with a single woman and making plans to do so without including you in this plan. Is it an easy fix and something that you should be worried about? It doesn't sound like he was/is going out to meet a lady and take her home. You felt threatened and are protecting your asset. How to fix it? Explain to him your concerns, not with the activity itself, but with how he went about it. Perhaps if he has asked or told you his intentions before acting you might not feel threatened and be ok with him searching for a dance partner via Craig's List. Who knows, I'm not into the country dancing and every sub-culture has their own rules and nuances. Maybe showing up alone and grabbing a a single woman to dance is taken as picking up on eachother. Who knows. I know I'd feel jealous and threatened though.
Recommended Posts