Ex GF emotionally cheated.

[jt1]

So my gf at the time of 4 years and a half had a pen-pal/online friend for over a year or so before I met her. They would chat very uncommonly during the time we were together, such as a message every 5 months. I told her to chat with him no longer because I knew she had a crush on him and I explained it would be best if they just didn't communicate and that it is only a silly crush and just to get over it. So she did get over it, or so I thought.

 

After a year and a half he emailed or sent a chat message, and she asked if it was alright to talk to him. I said no, unless you don't feel any crush or such feelings. She said no, so I didn't care. Everything was alright, until last December when they began chatting and emailing more often. Then , she broke up with me 2 weeks ago after 3 months of this emotional cheating. She said that she really likes this guy and has feelings towards him. I told her its just nothing but a crush and what she knows of him is a small part of a person she really doesn't know.

 

She said she didn't feel love for me anymore and a lot of other excuses. All these excuses though tell me one thing; she is only trying to justify her actions so as to not make herself feel as guilty and shes just encased in this fog of illusions of"emotions" towards this guy. By the way, I sought help, and no I am not in denial. So we stayed "friends" after the break-up. I told her to just see where stuff takes us but that it would be best not to talk to him. I said this because I talked to him once, before knowing about the crush, and I didn't get it, because this guy just didn't seem like a good person, especially since the way he talked was trying to be persuasive in his words, yet my ex feel for his sh*t. This guy also had a gf of 3 years he broke up with because he "loved" my ex.

 

I just wanted the truth from her as friends, yet she lied about where she went the other day, saying she was going to an old friends house, but went to see the guy and stayed over for the night. She had only met him once in person, for 5 or so minutes, then he never saw her in person again until now. She went again this Wednesday and hasn't gotten back since I believe. She took a bus for 3 or so hours to go see him in a city that's 1 hour away of a drive. She then got mad because I caught her in her lies and told me to forget about the whole chance thing with me.

 

My question is that is this healthy for a person to go over a persons house they only met once for a few minutes, and sleep-over? What the hell is my ex thinking? Do these types of relationships even last? This all sounds like just lust to me and that she is confused and or bought into his words and is going to get used. It's almost like the guy put down some bread crumbs and she is just following them. She was truly a smarter person than this before. Even if I don't get back with her, I just want to help her since I care about her. Thank you all in advance for your input.

Edited April 8, 2011 by jt1

[jt1]

UPDATE: So I found out that she went to a hotel with this guy for 2 days since Thursday. It's funny, since she went to him and she paid for the hotel. They've only physically known each other for 5 or so days, how could she just give it up like that? I felt, along with my family and friends, that she has no respect for herself because she went to a strangers house basically( he lives with his mom btw) and put herself in danger, and after just a few days she has sex?

 

My oldest sister of 38 years old said that my ex's attitude could very well be that the guy has said a lot of "pretty" things to her which she fell for. I know I have no "right" to be pissed since she is single, sure. However, I'm just pissed at how low she's brought her own values. What do you all think? He told his ex gf that he loves my ex, but they've never had any interaction besides chat, and meeting for 3 minutes. Is all this wrong?

[Melocoton]

Where to start... don't take this personally I'm trying to help.

 

First off, if this girl was really into you she would not be lured by another man. Regardless if it was in person or online. Everyday we encounter interesting people of the opposite sex. What keeps us together is true content and love for eachother. You can not prevent or stop your partner from straying. You can only be you and them love you or leave you for it.

 

You are better off without her. She has totally moved on and is done. It is painful and sucks but it is the truth.

 

Lastly, even if she came back, admitted it was a mistake and that she was feeling insecure and needed attention from another man etc etc would you want to be with someone that vunerable to a charmer so much your woman would be willing to dump you and run off to sleep/be with him?

 

I'd suggest no contact with her at all unless you want to torment yourself.

[DollyGirl12]

I have to agree wtih Melocoton. When we truly love another we don't decide we are going to "chat" with the opposite sex, unless of course it's business, charity, or an oldtime dear friend. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but there are boundaries that you just don't cross. When I was with my ex, and an old ex or someone I thought might be interested in me contacted me, I would talk about my bf at the time. I would clearly made sure that they knew I was involved with someone who meant alot to me, and that I would not cross over any boundaries to get in to more personal type of conversations. I just wouldn't go there because I had to much respect for my SO and I loved him to much to deceive him in any way, shape, or form (unfortunately he did not feel the same way about me!!! ).

And honestly, her turning things around and manipulating you with the statement that you ruined your chance. That's just her playing games.

The problem now is, that should you ever get back together with her, she would most likely just go further undergound with her communications with the opposite sex. People can become very good at hiding things.

[jt1]

Thank you both for your input.

 

Right now, I'm just extremely hurt. No wonder she was so quick to break up. I'm also extremely pissed because of how this ******* is toying with her and she just doesn't see it or allowed it. He's making her do all the work and paying for sh*t, AND that she just doesn't have the decency to value herself and stay safe. Shes just making herself easy for him, and now that they have had sex, I'm sure he has her right where he wants her. That guy didn't like me very much either, because I "took or stole her away from him"

years ago.

 

I really hate seeing her like this, and I don't want bad things to happen to her despite all the sh*t shes done to me, but it seems she has to learn the hard way. I really don't see this lasting at all. He told his ex gf that he loves my ex (which I'm sure my ex thought "wow, I must be special")

 

I also am not going to let her think that she is in the right or that I am to blame. We will be talking later today, and when I do talk to her, I'm going to tell her all these things I've said so far. BTW, she sucks at hiding things. That or my intuition is very good. Which sadly at times....it is very accurate.. Right now, shes being a rebellious child, and not listening to reason, self-worth. What a fool.

[lamaman3]

Ok JT1 - don't take this advice personally. This is your first everything so its natural that you feel the way that you do but hopefully as you get more experience with women etc. you will understand why your behavior is counterproductive.

 

Lets just recount your situation in no-nonsense terms:

1) Regardless of the reason, your gf fell out of love with you

2) Broke up with you

3) Has feelings for another guy

4) Started a sexual relationship with this guy

 

All of this stuff is completely normal and happens everyday to thousands of people. Thats life! The question is what are you going to do now. You have 2 choices:

 

1) Be jealous of this other guy. Get depressed that she broke up with you. Try to *&%$# up her relationship with this other guy. Tell her how stupid/wrong/slutty she is etc. (What will this accomplish?)

 

2) Give yourself some time of no contact to focus on improving yourself and getting over her. Meet new girls. Enjoy your life.

 

What choice sounds better to you?

 

 

Thank you both for your input.

 

Right now, I'm just extremely hurt. No wonder she was so quick to break up. I'm also extremely pissed because of how this ******* is toying with her and she just doesn't see it or allowed it. He's making her do all the work and paying for sh*t, AND that she just doesn't have the decency to value herself and stay safe. Shes just making herself easy for him, and now that they have had sex, I'm sure he has her right where he wants her. That guy didn't like me very much either, because I "took or stole her away from him"

years ago.

 

I really hate seeing her like this, and I don't want bad things to happen to her despite all the sh*t shes done to me, but it seems she has to learn the hard way. I really don't see this lasting at all. He told his ex gf that he loves my ex (which I'm sure my ex thought "wow, I must be special")

 

I also am not going to let her think that she is in the right or that I am to blame. We will be talking later today, and when I do talk to her, I'm going to tell her all these things I've said so far. BTW, she sucks at hiding things. That or my intuition is very good. Which sadly at times....it is very accurate.. Right now, shes being a rebellious child, and not listening to reason, self-worth. What a fool.

[seibert253]

Time to let it go, and move on my friend.

 

Theres' plenty of other women out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

Peace,

[Kelemort]

Why are you even talking to her? My feeling is that after a break-up, besides hammering out final details (who gets what if you live together, what to do with gifts or borrowed items, etc.), you need to go no-contact for at least a little while. Let the feelings dissolve a little bit, let the reality sink in. Otherwise, I think there's a tendency for one of the partners to possess the false hope that it'll change and the other partner will come back. Ideally at least a few months, depending on the relationship.

 

I understand that you're hurt and this deceit carried on for a long time. I'm assuming this guy lives fairly close to the both of you, then, seeing as she's now meeting him? Don't let this be a reflection on you - rather, it sounds like she's a young girl who wanted a little variety and got caught up in the romanticism of someone she barely knew.

 

My boyfriend did something similar with his ex-girlfriend - he finally stopped talking to her in October, 2 years into our relationship and nearly 4 years after she dumped him. Their relationship was a year-long long-distance affair and he only saw her for a grand total of a few weeks. That's romanticism at its best. He was there for the fun and exploration and all the things she wanted him to see - he didn't get the day-to-day interaction of a real relationship. I think he was still in love with this illusion that he had of her - he never really got to know her, and I think that's what's happening here.

 

Falling in love with someone in the flesh and getting to know them in the flesh is entirely different from a long-distance love affair. You're right in that she's probably only seeing the snippets of him that he's allowed her to see. You're right in that this might end with egg in your ex's face. But you know what? It's no longer any of your problem. Don't go back with her, as I suspect if this does blow up, all you'll ever hear about is how he broke her heart - but she'll still be in love with him.

[jt1]

Thank you Kelemort, seibert253, and lamaman3. Why did I still talk to her? Well, I was hurt, I had no answers from her, just all excuses. Her attitude towards me when she returned was not of the same person that I had known for so long. She was talking to me just fine before she came back, on Feb. 20 when we interacted then she was herself; kind, funny, and caring. Then for her to pull a complete turn around and not be herself at all was pretty shocking to me. Especially since she was moving extremely quick to try and separate herself from me, giving me nothing but excuses and I knew she was withholding information from me, which I got out of her after asking if she had liked someone else.

 

I had told her lets just talk things through, that it happens to couples where one can get a crush, but we just can’t leave it be. That’s when all the excuses started to come out. Her complete shift of character, she made me feel very distant, she didn’t even want to hug me when she saw me at the airport, and if I reached out to want to hug her or get near her she would be hesitant and want to pull away. I knew she did something she deeply regretted, but didn’t want to come to terms on what she did.

 

This guy lives an hour away from where she lives, but she doesn’t have a car so she took the public bus there, which is 3-4 hours long. He does have a car, yet he didn’t come to her, regardless of her living with her father, it would show initiative on the guy side, to me and everyone I know, she looks like a puppy, just blindly running after behind this guy. I tried to make her see that he’ll just play with her, but she just kept fighting my words and giving me excuses.

[jt1]

I was hurt because she made me feel like sh*t, like all I ever did for her was nothing. I felt like I was something easy to throw away. 4 years and she throws it all away without having some decency and trying to work things through, and goes for some guy she hardly talked to since 2006 (they had chatted earlier, I think they “knew” each other in 05) but since then they hardly talked at all, only until recently they started to talk more. She fell for the illusion and doesn’t want to come to terms that she messed up a fine relationship, which is where all the excuses come into play.

 

She told me last night her dad said we should not see each other for a while, and she should not go out as much and should concentrate on her goals. I’m assuming she didn’t tell him who she was with, that or she’s just lying, but regardless, I just wanted to get some stuff from her, talk one last time and leave.

 

I’m also pissed because she threw her self-respect out the window. She didn’t see the dangers of what she did. I’m also sure she didn’t check if the guy was positive for STD’s. It hurts thinking the girl you loved so much who was intelligent lacking any self-respect or worth and having sex with some guy only 2 weeks after the break up and 3 or so days of physically knowing the guy. Then she pays for the ride there and pays for the hotel? Yeah, shes not my gf anymore, but it's difficult seeing a person you care about do something really stupid and all this sh*t still hurts and its difficult since I just found out about the hotel thing.

 

Even if we didn't get back together, I didn't care, I just wanted to be a good friend/person to her and help her see this guys is no good, which it seems so so far. A "player" friend I know had been in the same situation with a woman before. Now I'm not so much blaming the guy, I'm saying that she just blindly pays for a lot and made her come to him. Then she easily gave it up to him. It's as if the guy didn't put any effort and she just so easily went to him with a blindfold on, and only seeing some fantasy. Yeah she should have stopped talking to him if she saw herself having feelings, but she allowed it to happen.

 

Which is why I'm upset, all our years for something stupid. Am I jealous of the guy because he got her so easily? No. Does it make her look easy and willing to do anything at that guys bark? Yeah. I'm upset and disappointed with her as to how shes been treating herself, how low her values have become, and how low her self-worth is. Yeah I know I cant really do much, and I just wanted to have one last talk with her and get some of my stuff from her. I wont wait for her. She's hurt me plenty and disappointed me. I'm disappointed with her father for not looking out for her a little more and at least talking to her as to why shes doing what shes doing. My mother/father would not easily let my sister meet a stranger at his house. Yeah shes a grown woman, but that doesn't mean you can sit back all the time.

[jt1]

I was never 100% sure she had sex with him. However, it was my assumption since she spent 2 nights or so in a hotel with him. Also, she was never the type to have sex without being official with them. However, may you please read my other posts if your new and respond with your thoughts? An added question is should I even talk to her at all and continue on my way until she comes around and this "relationship" with the guy runs it's course? Thank you all again for your taking your time and understanding my difficult situation and how all this hurts a lot, I really appreciate it.

[lamaman3]

JT1 - time to move on my friend. Shes checked out of your relationship. It takes 2 to tango and if she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you then there is nothing you can do about it. I know it hurts but youll always have the memories of the good times you had with her. Time to start a new chapter in your life.

[jt1]

I understand you lamaman3, and I am trying to move on, yes it is very difficult for me right now since this is all very fresh, but people move on in different paces, its just been taking me a little longer. However, what I am looking for is feedback on her recent attitude and how shes been caring for herself and if that guy is just using her. When I talked to her about moving on, she said it was easy for her to do, maybe a week or so, however, she told me this while she was talking to the guy, which everything else she said contradicted everything said previously, and at times made no sense and came with excuses. What do you all think of how shes been doing things? Do you all agree what she did was reckless? Will it most likely end quick since it started bad and began quick? These are some of the questions I would like answered, if that's cool with all of you. there's more I asked in the previous posts, if anyone would give your thoughts on them, it would be greatly appreciated.Thank you.

Edited April 11, 2011 by jt1

[jt1]

UPDATE:

 

We talked the other day about how things got to where all this happened and how she felt. She told me that after about 2 or so years she fell out of love as she says. She said she was trying to make me hate her by seeing this guy so I wouldn't want to be around her. She said she wanted to leave the relationship for a year and a half or 2 years, but couldn't because she saw how happy I was, and felt guilty about lying to me, about saying she loves me when she wasn't completely feeling it.

 

This part was sort of funny, she said she saw me as her play thing, she said "you were my play toy in the sense that i had fun with you and enjoyed you for a time, because i got joy from you...it was fun. and I had fun making you happy....but i never felt serious about you. like 'oh we will be together forever or for a long time' and as much as it would've been nice i never felt a dedication to be monogamous with you. it was something i told myself to do and try to abide by because i knew it would make you happy i suppose"

[Professor X]

I'm sorry man, and I know how hard it is for you and it will take and won't be an easy road.

 

But, as others said, it's time to move on and in your case it's to stop contact whatsoever with her and to get rid of whatever that reminds you of her.

 

And the only reason you still inquire about her is because you still got strong feeling for her, it's not that you really care for her or that you're sad at how "low she went" - as you described. You just hope that she'll say something that will show you some sort of hope for the 2 of you to get together again - but chances are that that won't happen.

 

What baffles me is why did you try to control your ex' in the first place?

"I told her to chat with him no longer because I knew she had a crush on him" - cause the way I see it, if your SO has a crush on someone that means you've probably lost.

 

I'm not blaming you or something along those lines, all I'm saying is, future RS that you will have (and you will have!), should be because the both of you want to be with each other, not because you prevent her from something (ex's are an exception since those ex' already come with emotional bag).

[jt1]

Thank you Professor X. Yeah, it's still difficult. Yes, you're right that I still do have very strong feelings for her. When friends with experience with relationships read through our conversation, it was clear to them that she's really confused and lying to herself about her feelings, specially when she said "my love for him" talking about the other guy. It just made them laugh a little, since they've only met each other for less than 10 days, even if they were internet "friends". My friend joked and said while looking at his gf, "We've been together 4 years, and I'm still barely loving you." I know what he meant, that it can take some time to actually "love" a person, specially all their annoyances.

 

As for the whole not talking to her crush thing, I said to her people can get these small feelings that can be nothing serious as long as you don't let them become serious, but I said to her who's more important, me or him? So she chose me.

 

I think from her upbringing. Maybe she has trouble with commitment? She was molested as a child, kids teased her a lot for looking different (in korea), she never had too many friends and after she turned 12 years of age her family problems started up more; her parents divorced and dad cheating and had been an a-hole to her, and hitting her, very rarely, but not abusing.

 

Although my stubbornness doesn't help that much at times, I know I have to try and move on, even if I feel these strong feelings for her. At the same time, I have thoughts of what if, what if she can change?

Edited April 20, 2011 by jt1

[Professor X]

Thank you Professor X. Yeah, it's still difficult. Yes, you're right that I still do have very strong feelings for her. When friends with experience with relationships read through our conversation, it was clear to them that she's really confused and lying to herself about her feelings, specially when she said "my love for him" talking about the other guy. It just made them laugh a little, since they've only met each other for less than 10 days, even if they were internet "friends". My friend joked and said while looking at his gf, "We've been together 4 years, and I'm still barely loving you." I know what he meant, that it can take some time to actually "love" a person, specially all their annoyances.

 

As for the whole not talking to her crush thing, I said to her people can get these small feelings that can be nothing serious as long as you don't let them become serious, but I said to her who's more important, me or him? So she chose me.

 

I think from her upbringing. Maybe she has trouble with commitment? She was molested as a child, kids teased her a lot for looking different (in korea), she never had too many friends and after she turned 12 years of age her family problems started up more; her parents divorced and dad cheating and had been an a-hole to her, and hitting her, very rarely, but not abusing.

 

Although my stubbornness doesn't help that much at times, I know I have to try and move on, even if I feel these strong feelings for her. At the same time, I have thoughts of what if, what if she can change?

 

She can change, everyone can change, if they want.

So the question is, what if she will change, what then?

 

Who knows.

But either way, the ball is out of your field, there's nothing you can really do.

She has chosen someone else, for better or for worse, it was her decision.

I know how painful it is, and I know its easier said than done. But you have to do whatever that's in your power to move on.

 

Maybe she has trouble with commitment? Maybe. Maybe not. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion based on what you've written here.

 

About what your friends have said: I wouldn't generalize it about everyone. Some people can love another much faster than others - I knew I love my SO after 4 months.

So don't get your hopes to high. Just let go.

[Memphis Raines]

I was never 100% sure she had sex with him. However, it was my assumption since she spent 2 nights or so in a hotel with him.

 

2 nights in a hotel? there is no way they had sex:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Also, she was never the type to have sex without being official with them.

 

and thats what alot of us thought of the cheaters that have been in our lives

 

 

An added question is should I even talk to her at all and continue on my way until she comes around

 

 

well, I'd say move on for good, but it seems as if you are kind of trying to make excuses for her to justify it to yourself to stay.

 

even if you want to stay, do not make excuses for her behavior.

 

 

and this "relationship" with the guy runs it's course?

 

why would you want to be 2nd fiddle, dangled on a string, backburner, pining and a waiting in the wings guy?

 

 

Thank you all again for your taking your time and understanding my difficult situation and how all this hurts a lot, I really appreciate it.

 

fully understand the pain my man. it happens to the best of us.

 

but you shouldn't be waiting for her to fall back to you if things dont work out with the other guy. Because someone like that will always be looking for the bigger, better, deal. And if you wait in the wings for her, she'll learn that she can have you wrapped around her finger.

[vividdreams]

I'm sure this must hurt a lot to see her moving on :/ It's definitely risky to meet people from the internet but it's possible to form a strong connection with someone just from talking online. Perhaps she really does feel something strong for this guy and wants to see where it goes. You should try your best to move on because it sounds like this guy has a strong hold on her heart that she can't seem to shake.

[jt1]

Thanks Memphis Raines, I agree with your points, and yeah, this shlt does hurt like hell. As for making excuses for her, hell no, shes already tried to make too many for her actions, I'm not adding any more to her list. As for waiting for her, no. She didn't fkin try and work things out, instead took the easy way out of things. the lying is what pissed me off the most. As much as I don't really want to say it, I do think this guy had quite a part in this situation, of course it was her fault for falling for it and not thinking through it.

 

In all honesty, I don't like the guy, he's admitted to have obsessed over other women which is why I had told her not to talk to him in the beginning, because I had a gut feeling something bad may happen someday if she did keep talking to him, which seemed to have come true.. As far as I can see, shes downgraded partner-wise.

 

vividdreams, what I know is that this guy said he loved her before any real meeting. I can understand someone liking anothers personality, but saying you love them? It's kind of a strong word to say to someone you've never met, or even think so. it just baffles me. I've always hated internet chatting simply because its really not the same as meeting someone in person, its just impersonal.

 

A hypothetical situation comes to mind; I talk to someone for a year online, one day i need someone to take care of my kid or pets, would I be comfortable asking this person I talked to for a whole year but never met to take care of my pets or loved ones? Hell no. Simply because in reality, you don't know them, it's way easier to lie behind the screen name. I'd be more comfortable asking someone I've personally known for a year instead.

 

I agree with you about loving at different times Professor X. I also felt like I loved her after 3 or 4 months as well. It was just that for them not really knowing one another and saying it before any real meeting just made it look like infatuation with an image. However, that coupled with their immaturity, which her attitude and outlook have been seriously immature as of late, makes it so that it can't be seen as something serious, even her father said so. But enough of that.

 

As for commitment problems, it was just a thought, but there is a lot more I just didn't want to get into it.

 

I'm not going to keep my hopes up high, because that would only set myself up for more disappointment if things don't go great between us. If she changes for the better, great. If she comes back or not, that's fine. Could I take her back? Who knows. What I do is that I also need to move on and date as people have suggested when I feel more ready.

 

The thing I'm trying to get over is just this anger and disappointment. And yes, getting her out of my mind is still a hell of a challenge.. I understand that with time all will heal, so I've been keeping myself busy. Even so, it's still difficult not thinking about her.

 

For any one who is thinking of cheating on a significant other, please just don't do it. That shlt is not worth it at all.

 

Thank you for your helpful advise and thoughts.