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do sincere love letter and positive personal reflection bring her back?

secondchancer

By secondchancer
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IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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quote secondchancer: I hope the outcome will give an answer to the very first question i asked. "do sincere love letter and positive personal reflection bring her back?"

 

this to me says it all.

 

i think its different for everyone and depends on the "timing of it", the person, the severity of the situation. but i still believe some relationships can be mended. both parties of course, have to have some bit of an open mind along the way. some reconnect when they get older. i think this does happens when you're young. you get older and can return to each other. its possible..because i think younger people leave for different reasons...not just when, they just don't want you. sometimes they DO need to explore, or focus on a career, or have they family pressure going on. so it's all relative. i think, at least, she can look back and say, wow i lost a good guy or maybe i should have let him go. he left with some 'good vibe'. it will be HER loss. i don't know that he lost his self esteem or dignity. he;s being an honest and good guy and not playing games. he can always tell her something else later if he wants. even if she doesnt come back...the point is..

 

its not always time to throw in the towel, right away.

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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typo: or maybe i should have let him go

correction: or maybe she will someday say to herself.."i shouldnt have let him go"

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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letters never work its better to not say anything trust me, you will be mad you lost your self esteem and dignity later on.

 

Hi EmperorR,

 

Letters never work; abviously yes but now i know i did my best and said all what can be said... now I can move on

 

Better not to say anything; you can never tell, but it depends on when and how you say things... my mistake is i said too many things many times already

 

I will get mad; no, I will get sad, yes... for finding out that she said things but did the opposite. at times she said being silent scares her...

 

I lost self esteem and dignity; this is the price that we pay for being honest about what we feel. but again it depends on which angle you look at it and HOW things were said...

 

What I said will have impact on the future... she will remember what i wrote the minute somebody walks out on her (i hope not because I wish her happiness).

 

On different note, I always felt embarrassed by the question " did you ever LOVE someone?" Now I know I can proudly say YES

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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quote secondchancer: it depends on which angle you look at it and HOW things were said...

 

&

 

On different note, I always felt embarrassed by the question " did you ever LOVE someone?" Now I know I can proudly say YES

 

 

wow this is so insightful of you secondchancer

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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quote secondchancer: it depends on which angle you look at it and HOW things were said...

 

&

 

On different note, I always felt embarrassed by the question " did you ever LOVE someone?" Now I know I can proudly say YES

 

 

wow this is so insightful of you secondchancer

 

thank you IKT, not that I did not love before... but this is the first time I TRULY loved someone to the extent to be devasted by the breakup and express my heart feelings and to be able to say YES to the question with full confidence.

 

IKT, do you think in normal situation, if she took what i wrote to her at face value, isn't she supposed to say anything? not even 'thank you'. or would it normally take her some time to process what i said? . if fact i said two things:

 

1) i did not expect anything from her (in the first message)

2) i said i truly loved someone, not her but someone who happened to have her email ID (in the attachment), which means not her now but what she used to be for me in the past...

 

on that basis, is it fair to expect her to simply ignore what I said? I mean from a woman's perspective how would she precieve my message? i.e. as positive or negative (regardless if she already decided to move on or not)?

What's you view on that?

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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hi again.

 

well that's why mentioned that you don't want to give her mixed messages. and that is why i felt it was a good idea to call the 2nd more romantic heartfelt expression, "a poem". by referring it to as a poem, she should get the idea that it is not a mission statement and not to take your words in there so literally. (like saying..."its not you" but someone who had your mail ID. ) yes it does infer she is not who you recognize anymore. but i dont think it was "offending" from a female point of view. she is different than you once knew.

 

some could take offense, i dont know, but in a poem things are not meant to be as literal and take take twists and turns and i hope she realizes that.

you were just a guy writing your feelings and in the rest of the poem she speak of how shes touched your life. she should be flattered.

 

she is only 23 is it? i dont think she is reading that deeply into it. but i dont think she takes it at face value either. i think she should only take it as...

 

you still have feelings for her. you hit a wall with her, and there's nothing you can do about it. that hasn't changed your feelings. you have had time to see where you went wrong on your end. you acknowledge it. you concede to the circumstances , and you're sorry it didn't work out. its not a good bye. and you're not saying the door is still open or closed. you do sound like you're done chasing her but not from your own accord, but because shes not been cooperative.

 

she doesn't know what to say. give it more time. i think she doesn't want to say thank you, because she is afraid to open dialog again because she still recognizes your "romantic" feelings in the 2 letter you wrote to her...or call it poem). but you wanted to do this. you wanted her to get the romantic from you and the head strong or "in control", part of you too.

 

it's really hard to say what she thinks and she has her own mind and is younger than me. but i still remember what i felt at her age. i think she will be flattered. i think she is secretly glad you're still reaching out to her. that doesnt make you a chump either.

 

and as long as you've not been stalkish before, all you can do now is sit back. and move forward with your life.

 

somewhere a long the way she got unhappy, or something. this is NOT to say that's your fault. so don't take that on. you have obviously tried to make a mends with her all this time, one way or the other.

 

this time you didn't say anywhere that she did this and that too. i get the feeling this was brought up before in some of your past communication. i could be wrong. now, you just talk about your feelings and you imparted a reflective poem, which, you said you wrote a few days ago.

 

the ball is really in her court now. i do feel you will hear from her in a few weeks or so, and no i don't think she was supposed to say thank you or necessarily respond. you would think a decent person would say well thanks for your thoughts. but she may be afraid to say anything because shes not wanting to return to getting close right now, and in her mind "opening up that can or worms" yet.

 

but seriously i think she will miss you , especially now. she doesnt see you as angry so she wont or shouldn't be afraid to apporoach you when she is ready or willing.

 

she made a decision she wanted to stick with, most likely. But, you gave her food for thought now. and you sound earnest and sweet. i think she will remember you like that, and i think its better for her to remember you like THAT, than a guy who was depressed around her, in the end. that is more attractive, and those are good parting thoughts for her to think on, and good opening thoughts should she have a change of heart. so, let the chips fall where they may now. the next step should be up to her. so with that, take the pressure off of yourself now, and this is where to start building yourself up and moving forward for you, no matter what happens :)

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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ps she should perceive that message in a POSITIVE way. not negative!

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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hi again.

 

well that's why mentioned that you don't want to give her mixed messages. and that is why i felt it was a good idea to call the 2nd more romantic heartfelt expression, "a poem". by referring it to as a poem, she should get the idea that it is not a mission statement and not to take your words in there so literally. (like saying..."its not you" but someone who had your mail ID. ) yes it does infer she is not who you recognize anymore. but i dont think it was "offending" from a female point of view. she is different than you once knew.

 

some could take offense, i dont know, but in a poem things are not meant to be as literal and take take twists and turns and i hope she realizes that.

you were just a guy writing your feelings and in the rest of the poem she speak of how shes touched your life. she should be flattered.

 

she is only 23 is it? i dont think she is reading that deeply into it. but i dont think she takes it at face value either. i think she should only take it as...

 

you still have feelings for her. you hit a wall with her, and there's nothing you can do about it. that hasn't changed your feelings. you have had time to see where you went wrong on your end. you acknowledge it. you concede to the circumstances , and you're sorry it didn't work out. its not a good bye. and you're not saying the door is still open or closed. you do sound like you're done chasing her but not from your own accord, but because shes not been cooperative.

 

she doesn't know what to say. give it more time. i think she doesn't want to say thank you, because she is afraid to open dialog again because she still recognizes your "romantic" feelings in the 2 letter you wrote to her...or call it poem). but you wanted to do this. you wanted her to get the romantic from you and the head strong or "in control", part of you too.

 

it's really hard to say what she thinks and she has her own mind and is younger than me. but i still remember what i felt at her age. i think she will be flattered. i think she is secretly glad you're still reaching out to her. that doesnt make you a chump either.

 

and as long as you've not been stalkish before, all you can do now is sit back. and move forward with your life.

 

somewhere a long the way she got unhappy, or something. this is NOT to say that's your fault. so don't take that on. you have obviously tried to make a mends with her all this time, one way or the other.

 

this time you didn't say anywhere that she did this and that too. i get the feeling this was brought up before in some of your past communication. i could be wrong. now, you just talk about your feelings and you imparted a reflective poem, which, you said you wrote a few days ago.

 

the ball is really in her court now. i do feel you will hear from her in a few weeks or so, and no i don't think she was supposed to say thank you or necessarily respond. you would think a decent person would say well thanks for your thoughts. but she may be afraid to say anything because shes not wanting to return to getting close right now, and in her mind "opening up that can or worms" yet.

 

but seriously i think she will miss you , especially now. she doesnt see you as angry so she wont or shouldn't be afraid to apporoach you when she is ready or willing.

 

she made a decision she wanted to stick with, most likely. But, you gave her food for thought now. and you sound earnest and sweet. i think she will remember you like that, and i think its better for her to remember you like THAT, than a guy who was depressed around her, in the end. that is more attractive, and those are good parting thoughts for her to think on, and good opening thoughts should she have a change of heart. so, let the chips fall where they may now. the next step should be up to her. so with that, take the pressure off of yourself now, and this is where to start building yourself up and moving forward for you, no matter what happens :)

 

IKT thank you again for your insight and for your analysis and positive thoughts...

 

She is nearing 40 years now and i am older than her... we were planning for marriage before she gets 40. I added the word "seed" in "what we had was worthwhile, a seed worthy of growing, amazing and rare" to refer to conceiving and childern :o.

 

How does the age factor in this case?

 

I heard that when a woman is older it means she already know what she want and she can move on easily after she made up her decision.

 

At one point after breakup in response to variouis emails that i sent, she messaged me saying "for goodess sake, for your sake and my sake and for the sake of the truly good times that we had, stop analyzing and coming up with reasons that do not stand. Take things at face value of what i told you as the reasons for separation" one of the reasons she said that "with time we will get distant and cold" also she said " she can not take risks when her mind is telling her something and her heart is telling her something else".

 

Does that give you different perspective?

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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SC i haven't forgotten about you. love is really boundless and has no age. you can have mature love and immature love at any age. i apparently did not know your ages, and was thinking she could have GIGS and was younger. i also at one point, believe i got some stories mixed up in here. (but not the bulk of it, don't worry).

 

different people on here also were writing on your thread inquiring about their stories , so i starting thinking your gal was younger. i might have missed something there. and i ..yikes do have a disability, where i have to check things twice from time to time.:o

 

but don't fear, i know what your objective was with your ex. upon hearing a more detailed account of your story and her reactions (verbatim), i feel strongly that it is time to go N/C now. I still think its ok you wrote her another letter to clear things up. and take that chance you wanted to take. i still think its ok to be romantic. but the timing has run a course and she has to be the one to get back to you.

 

i am sorry you are in this position. honestly, i know people can fall in love fast, marry, and have a long happy life together , its been done before. but most people caution us to the wind, not to rush things. you guys only knew each other for 5 months. i know it was intense and you are "truly" in love and feel you have found your match. this stuff really DOES happen! but you need the both of you to agree to this. she has reservations and is really strong about it and cold. it would be nice if you could melt the ice. i get that. with some women you really can. (just read men are from mars women are from venus) we women do respond to a lot of different things than men do. you DID try hard to melt that ice~!

 

i know you heard "that when a woman is older it means she already know what she want and she can move on easily after she made up her decision"

 

hopefully that IS the case, but in reality, i have seen older woman who are more mixed up in their thinking than younger women who might be more stable...or calm in their personalities, and their experiences.

 

but her verbiage, does sound like she is resolve or firm in her wanting you to stop pursuing. i think you showed her that YOU thought she was worth a fight. and that you are a guy who is capable of making a commitment. geeze you guys spoke of marriage and she only lasted 5 months? wow, she wasn't so committed. she has a problem then runs all of the sudden? goes from marriage to checking out? quite a swing on the pendulum, dont ya think?

 

she is afraid in time you will get distant and cold?? geeze she didn't waste any time getting distant and cold. well, i feel you did demonstrate warmth. try to be satisfied with that, with YOURSELF.

 

the perspective i come away with in all of this is its time to go N/C now, and distract yourself with pleasant things in life so you can heal. and know you tired. make peace with that..

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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Thank you IKT for being around in difficult time... i am now realizing that I have some serious issues I to deal with for not letting this go so easily the minute she walked out the door... I used to be that type of person but she changed me... she got me out of my shell and hit me hard while I was unaware... yeah i know i sound like a victim... but to be honest I saw all the red flags and ignored them... but yeah, I have to admit she was kind enough not to hit me harder... because she said in one of the last email exchanges "I didn't want to hurt you stronger and deeper later".

 

On a second thought, I may have reacted to the red flags by being depressed towards the end which has turned her off... afterall who knows, our subconsious is smarter than us sometimes... maybe my subconsious stood up for me and turned my lights off when I failed to take conscious decision and breakup first... so it would be normal for her to walk out the door when my lights were off...

 

I guess no matter how old we get, we are still the children of this life... people who say they already know, in fact, know the least...

 

life goes on as we fail to catch up...

 

I guess, the search for the missing piece continues...

 

thank you ITK, i guess i just hope knew already...

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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oops, i meant to say, I just hope I knew already!

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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quote SC: I guess no matter how old we get, we are still the children of this life... people who say they already know, in fact, know the least...

 

life goes on as we fail to catch up...

.......................................................................................................

wow this is so profoundly true. at least in my case. i really can relate to what you said here.

 

i wish i really could have helped :(. i think i failed to fully realize how much you already put into it (in the end) and how adamant she sounded. but since you guys were together for 5 months...you would think she would remember the good you both share not that long ago. i was hoping you could help her tap into that. she had too much resistance, from the start looks like. but who knows ..let her think on things and just back off for now.

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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quote SC: I guess no matter how old we get, we are still the children of this life... people who say they already know, in fact, know the least...

 

life goes on as we fail to catch up...

.......................................................................................................

wow this is so profoundly true. at least in my case. i really can relate to what you said here.

 

i wish i really could have helped :(. i think i failed to fully realize how much you already put into it (in the end) and how adamant she sounded. but since you guys were together for 5 months...you would think she would remember the good you both share not that long ago. i was hoping you could help her tap into that. she had too much resistance, from the start looks like. but who knows ..let her think on things and just back off for now.

 

Sorry to disappoint you ITK but i couldn't resist poking her today this is how it started and ended in a span of 15 minutes.. (this is after 3 days NC)

 

M: D! ( i used her pet name in the subject of a blank message)

 

D: ?????

 

M: just trying to pull your leg... did you like the poem that I sent you the other day?

 

 

D: Yes, thank you for sharing it

 

M: I am glad you did D!

 

D: (no response from her)

 

M: It must be the spell of the tenderness that you said gave to your musical instrument you gave me is being transferred to me. I thought you were joking when u said you gave it too much of your tenderness

 

D: (no response from her)

 

ok guys I know what i am doing is wrong and I am pushing her away... but I am trying to drive the situation to a breaking point... she could list me in her ignore list if she wanted... I just want her to bluntly tell me to back off... she is being indifferent... indifference is the opposite of love... i want to move her away from the indifference spot...

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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Alzheimer

 

Do you think I need professional treatment for not being able to let go of the intensity of how I feel towards you? I feel dead already but my soul is still trapped between this world and the other world, lingering to fulfill an unfulfilled desire.

 

I tried my best to let go of you and will keep trying. I went back to the dating site where we met to find another You but no avail. I planted in my mind the worst thoughts about you to taint your image, but it only produced the opposite effect. I even had three sessions with a psychologist; she said I am pretty normal and rational person. She must be a bad doctor because she couldn’t give me any answers for not grieving you. I know you can do much better job if you teach me how you could, in the heat of the moment and in cold blood, walk away from someone you planned to marry without even considering looking back.

 

I am trying very hard not to disturb you; I know you already moved on. But I feel my soul is stuck up in my throat and won't just depart my body. I am battling with my understanding of human psychology to get rational answers.

I know you are doing your best to help me by being indifferent when I am trying to show you a difference. Indifference is the opposite of love... I cannot be indifferent to you and pretend I do not know you just yet. At the same time I do not want you to hear this crap of me anymore, I already feel sick of this.

 

My only request to you is PLEASE keep me on your email spam list, ignore list or whatever... If you don't then be warned that you will be staring at a dead man’s body decaying... this is even more sickening for you to watch... So give me some peace by burying my messages in your spam folder... I know one day I will stop writing you such things but just do not know when.

 

I cannot wait to get Alzheimer to forget what I am feeling and saying right now... and to forget you.

 

You seem to be at an early stage of Alzheimer because you have already forgotten what you have told me and what I am supposed to mean to you...

In our intimate moments you desired me to fill you up and make you whole. You said you love me. You said you cannot live without me. You craved me when I was not around. You sent me messages calling my name to let me know you were thinking of me in the middle of your work meetings. You said I am your significant one. You said we will be together for better or worse; that's when I spontaneously proposed to you. I didn't want to lose the magic of the moment. I am sorry you forgot what you said and you did to make me fall in love with you.

 

I do not blame you. You may not be even aware of what I am talking about or who I am to you. It couldn't be worse situation when you lose memory of the most intimate person to you, your significant one. So here I am by your side fulfilling your deep felt wishes.

 

It is awful and cureless what you have; it is emotional Alzheimer.

 

 

(i am not sending this to her but posting here instead)

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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The answer is NO, love letters do not bring those who dumped you back. simply because if they really loved you, they would never have dumped you in the first place, even if you as dumpee spilled the first blood.

 

I learned my lesson. my ex ex whom i dumped never stopped her attempts to reconcile with me. when i was dumped, she was the only shoulder i could cry on. she didn't mind i dumped her because she really loved me. she is giving me yet another chance. so i will see how this will go. is it rebound? i don't know yet.

 

Should my ex initiate contact me, which i doubt, i will not forgive her indifference of ignoring my sincere love letters... so yeah i needed to send sincere those love letters to find out how sincere her claimed love to me was. Now i know.

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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i am so sorry you are going through all of this. i think your ex ex, was at least a real good strong friend to let her cry on your shoulder. Praise God for those blessings. they are worth being thankful for.

 

as far as love letters and sincere apology go, i still feel strongly that it depends on the circumstances and person involved as the dumper, and if the dumpee gets the sincere message across in "time", at the right time.

 

and says things that don't attack or offend so much, or at all. (more importantly)

 

I too tried to write letters in the past but i think i was vague about what that person really meant to me.

 

in my case they kept acting like they couldn't talk to me in the first place. but even if they felt like that, they didn't have to be so passive aggressive too.

 

i do believe you can win people back, if they really see the love. long distance is tough. and people who keep their distance make things tough when you are geographically close.

 

there are so many factors. i know you say they wouldn't dump you to begin with if they loved you. but i believe one can feel disatisfed and logically talk themselves into dumping, if they feel they are hurt enough, and not getting anything out of the relationship. but there are the those totally uncaring selfish ones out there too.

 

being dumped sucks. plain and simple. and not so simple. it can devastate your life and your belief system in people and even yourself.

 

you remember the old saying it takes 2 to tango. so nothing is sorely your fault. and of course its no one fault out there who is getting abused by someone.

 

but overall, keep telling yourself this. they helped run it into a ditch when they gave up and didn't give you that last chance. no communication is the worst ever. its so frustrating to the core.

 

you're right she isn't worth it. i think the worst part is not even being humane or christian (whatever religion) in the end. not having the decency to be a find in kind and say i got your letter, but i still feel the same way. they are cowards. cold cowards.

 

even if actions speak louder than words. words can be soft and soothing and comforting and provide some amount of closure. to be ignored and treated like dirt essentially like you never existed or had a life together is the lowest hurtful act.

 

good riddance to them!!!

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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i meant to "let you cry on her shoulder"

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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i meant to say "not having the decency to be a friend in kind

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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you're right she isn't worth it. i think the worst part is not even being humane or christian (whatever religion) in the end. not having the decency to be a find in kind and say i got your letter, but i still feel the same way. they are cowards. cold cowards.

 

even if actions speak louder than words. words can be soft and soothing and comforting and provide some amount of closure. to be ignored and treated like dirt essentially like you never existed or had a life together is the lowest hurtful act.

 

good riddance to them!!!

 

Yes IKT her acting indifferent to my heart felt words really hurts. I would like to requote this from my alzheimer letter which i posted here but DID NOT send to her.

 

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Actually I didn’t know that hate is a virtue until I tasted the bitterness of your indifference.

 

I posted the above quote on my twitter page because she has the habit of sneaking into that page.

 

What hurts me the most is she used to preach me about "the christian love" and i gave her a Cross necklace as gift in appreciation to her kind words. But in the end she did not practice what she preached. I wish her good luck anyway.

IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

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What hurts me the most is she used to preach me about "the christian love" and i gave her a Cross necklace as gift in appreciation to her kind words. But in the end she did not practice what she preached. I wish her good luck anyway.

 

 

i know what youre talking about. i experienced the same thing :(

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