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do sincere love letter and positive personal reflection bring her back?

secondchancer

By secondchancer
in Second Chances

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

Posted
Posted

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful girl that lasted 5 months. I was outgoing and positive person during the first half lifetime of the relationship. And we started planning for marriage. She is happy go lucky type of person and enjoys fun lifestyle, highly educated in a secure job.

 

However, during second half lifetime of the relationship, I lost my job and because I was worried about not meeting the timeline and anticipated expenses for marriage, I started getting into moods of depression for the fear of not finding job in the same place and losing her.

Subsequently, I became less attractive and one day she decided to quit. She told about her decision in a firm and civilized manner.

 

Her main reason was: "She could not take risks when her mind is telling her something and her heart is telling her something else".

 

First I accepted her decision. but next day I emailed her expressing how deeply I was hurt about the breakup. I did not ask her to get back, but sure the meaning was implied in the message. And I told her I respect her decision. Her response was "she knows she hurts me now but did not want to hurt me deeper and stronger later".

 

Now, one month after breakup, I am back on job and my positive attitude came back.

 

Given that we had a wonderful relationship and "shared truly good times" as she said in her last message, my question is this:

 

Does it help to get her back if I continue to send her short love letters and feed her with my positive personal reflections in limited contact form? Or is NC the only way to bring her memories of those "shared truly good times" back so she would initiate contact again to give me a second chance?

 

note: now she only responds to my messages in a polite manner but never initiated a contact once by herself.

 

thank you for advice.

Google1000 Member

Google1000

Posted
Posted (edited)

You are killing your chances by talking to her or sending her letters. You need to get this through your head: SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK. No letter is going to change that.

 

Do not contact her. Do not respond to any contact she initiates. Move on, forget about her, and LIVE A BETTER LIFE THAN HER. That is the only way she will ever come back.

 

Another thing you need to realize: If she initiates contact with you, it does NOT mean she wants you back. Unless it specifically says "Lets try to work things out. I made a mistake", DO NOT RESPOND. Period.

 

P.S- talk and flirt with other girls and post pictures on facebook. It will drive your ex absolutely nuts.

Edited by Google1000
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worldgonewrong Established Member

worldgonewrong

Posted
Posted

note: now she only responds to my messages in a polite manner but never initiated a contact once by herself.

 

That tells you all you need to know, right there.

 

Do not do anything whatsoever, because she does not want that nor will she react to it in the way that you so hope she will.

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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thank you for your honest opinion. I have just deleted all emails related to her as well as her email account. it is hard to swallow pill...

 

i just cannot understand why we extinguish our feelings... I was hoping someone would tell me keep feeding her with positive reflections, one day she might realize that the love you have for her can not be matched or compensated...

 

I thought women are emotional and their feelings would be moved by emotional letters from a person they once loved... i am not talking about begging kind of letters but letters that contain words expressing honest feelings...

ascoteton77 New Member

ascoteton77

Posted
Posted

Whoaa....hang on a minute here...

 

1) Were you NC for the entire month since getting a new job?

 

2) Don't send the romantic letters...not yet...gotta be slow at this...it's too soon...

 

3) I have a therapist that helps me with my issues. One of the suggestions that was made when I was having issues is to invite her to some sort of get together. Just ask nicely. See if she says yes.

 

Really...who cares if she doesn't initiate contact...she doesn't have to. Just invite her to something simple...coffee...or bowling...or something that SHE would enjoy. If she says yes, then you're on your way to at least TRYING to get her back.

 

By the way, I think NC is complete and utter crap. NC is great if you don't want to hear from someone again...ever again...but if you truly feel strongly about this, you don't have to give up without trying.

 

Quitters never get anywhere. Perhaps it's time to man up and try to reach out and go for what you want rather then sitting idly by...

 

Just don't do it the wrong way..

  • Like 1
Johnny85 Established Member

Johnny85

Posted
Posted

NC should be used as a way to heal and better yourself. While working on yourself and making yourself a more attractive person, you are giving your ex the chance to miss you. If you continue to stay in contact, continue to call your ex, write letters, you will begin to obsess over your ex and place her on a pedestal. She will become your life. NC offers you the chance to heal and focus on yourself.

 

I would read the thread about law of attraction, posted yesterday. There is also a book called "Magic of Making Up" which talks about this in better detail. If I were you, I would NOT contact your ex right now. Give it at least 1-2 months. I cannot emphasize this enough.

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

Posted
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Whoaa....hang on a minute here...

 

1) Were you NC for the entire month since getting a new job?

 

2) Don't send the romantic letters...not yet...gotta be slow at this...it's too soon...

 

3) I have a therapist that helps me with my issues. One of the suggestions that was made when I was having issues is to invite her to some sort of get together. Just ask nicely. See if she says yes.

 

Really...who cares if she doesn't initiate contact...she doesn't have to. Just invite her to something simple...coffee...or bowling...or something that SHE would enjoy. If she says yes, then you're on your way to at least TRYING to get her back.

 

By the way, I think NC is complete and utter crap. NC is great if you don't want to hear from someone again...ever again...but if you truly feel strongly about this, you don't have to give up without trying.

 

Quitters never get anywhere. Perhaps it's time to man up and try to reach out and go for what you want rather then sitting idly by...

 

Just don't do it the wrong way..

 

Thank you ascoteton,

 

This is the first time ever i get a positive response from anyone. Since one month from breakup, I broke the NC three times.

 

The last contact I had with her was two days ago which developed into general talk and catching up with updates, my work, her work, her car etc... but very brief. The last message from her in response to my message asking about her car, she said she rented a car which was horrible.my last message in response was ' surely the car wouldn't look horrible when you are in it' for which she did not respond.

 

Noting that since breakup i never talked to her by phone, never tried to see her, never asked her to change her decision. only contacted her through email and expressed my hurt and few reflections about my feelings.

 

Do you think I should wait couple of weeks before trying another move?

 

I am not really a quitter. I want to draw a line between 'wanting' her and 'needing' her. unfortunately except the last two messages I was exhibiting 'needing' image even though my aim was to let her know how much i cared. now i need a way through to reverse that image that i created.

 

i started seeing pyschologist too, mainly to find out why i was so emotionally attached to her.

 

thank you for giving a glimpse of hope.

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

Posted
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Posted
NC should be used as a way to heal and better yourself. While working on yourself and making yourself a more attractive person, you are giving your ex the chance to miss you. If you continue to stay in contact, continue to call your ex, write letters, you will begin to obsess over your ex and place her on a pedestal. She will become your life. NC offers you the chance to heal and focus on yourself.

 

I would read the thread about law of attraction, posted yesterday. There is also a book called "Magic of Making Up" which talks about this in better detail. If I were you, I would NOT contact your ex right now. Give it at least 1-2 months. I cannot emphasize this enough.

 

Thank you Jonny, your points are noted.

 

just to explain by contacting her earlier, i wanted to state my position towards her and my reflection on the whole relationship and to sort unclear issues. if i went NC immediately then I would be giving her an impression that I didn't really care about the breakup. we really had wonderful relationship while it lasted. things started going grey towards last week before breakup when i started withdrawing even though she warned me couple of times that i should not withdraw because it puts her under stress.

 

maybe now i feel i am in a better position to start strict but calculated NC followed by some positive approach later.

Johnny85 Established Member

Johnny85

Posted
Posted (edited)

In the end, you have to follow your heart. If this relationship is meant to be, it is meant to be. Unfortunately, this is one of the few areas in life where you just do not have much control over the outcome. However, this does not mean that you and your ex will not get back together. It only means that she made the decision to break up with you for a reason. Whether your NC is "calculated" or not does not matter, as long as you are mentally prepared to be rejected again. This is why it is so important to focus on yourself during NC: work out, meet up with friends and family, take up new hobbies, and perhaps most importantly, go out and date new women, this has an incredible therapeutic value.

 

SecondChancer, I really cannot stress this enough. The more you push her at this stage of the breakup, the more she will push you away. You MUST allow her to miss you first. You MUST become emotionally unattached so that she does not associate you with the OLD relationship when you show up knocking on her door. You cannot fake a NEW you or enthusiasm, eventually your hidden motives will reveal themselves, and she will see right through you. You will crash and burn. Have patience; and I am positive everything will workout.

 

I can email you the book: The Magic of Making Up. Just let me know.

 

Cheers!

Edited by Johnny85
Google1000 Member

Google1000

Posted
Posted

You should not contact her until you are HAPPY WITHOUT HER.

 

Until then, do not contact her. e

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

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I can email you the book: The Magic of Making Up. Just let me know.

 

Cheers!

 

yes Johnny, I would appreciate it if you send me copy of the book. But it seems i cann't send private message here. do you have privilage of sending private messages so i could reply with my email account?

thanks

Johnny85 Established Member

Johnny85

Posted
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Trevster, I sent you the book.

 

Secondchancer, I will need your email to send it to you.

 

Cheers!

Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
Posted

Even if you do want to see a chance in your relationship again, you still have to move on and realize you don't need her in your life.

 

And magic of making up in the end is still telling dumpees that, even if they don't want you back, it doesn't really matter to you anymore because you have moved on.

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

Posted
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Trevster, I sent you the book.

 

Secondchancer, I will need your email to send it to you.

 

Cheers!

 

Hi Johnny, my email is [email protected]

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secondchancer Member

secondchancer

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Even if you do want to see a chance in your relationship again, you still have to move on and realize you don't need her in your life.

 

And magic of making up in the end is still telling dumpees that, even if they don't want you back, it doesn't really matter to you anymore because you have moved on.

 

you know? if there will come a time when I can live happily without her, then I do not see the point of doing anything else but to go on without her. but then I will have to kill the good feelings towards her right here right now. in this case NC becomes irrelevant because the feelings will not be there anymore.

 

the thing is if we love someone truly we should express those feelings to them direclty and sincerely in a most decent way without sounding needy and without putting them under pressure of wanting them back. I mean there are hundreds of movie stars who appreciate such kind of expressions, I will just consider her one of them. wouldn't a woman like to hear words of admiration from someone she respects.

 

but if the aim of NC is to IMPROVE my chances to get her back, then NC is the way to go even if those chances are very narrow.

 

i may sound desperate by saying these things, but trust me i am not. I can simply drop my feelings dead if i must.

 

i am just trying to make a point.

Trevster Member

Trevster

Posted
Posted

I'm with you second chance I could up and just drop it all I really could just move on with out her! Even though I think about the memories it gets hard but I want to get rid of those memories and be able to have better ones with her in the future I thought sending her a bunch of emails and letters and poems of my love for her was a good idea! I soon got shut down she wouldn't reply to them she deleted me off her Facebook and all our pictures! She even texted me and said texting our friends about this and how much I care for her is making things worse!

 

So right then and there I realized I needed to do NC not only to make her miss me but for me to also move on with myself so she sees that she doesn't control me like it has been! They know how much we care about them man we have told them over and over it seems different everytime or it seems like you think they really don't know but they do man they do know! It's time for us to make us look better. I went and spent 300 bucks at the mall to better my looks to improve my game and how I will approach things!

 

I have kept my head down for the first 3 weeks by telling her my love and all her friends so she knows! I wish I could just know if she misses me or not thats what I really want to know but man we got to get ourselves out the gutter! I went to college with my girl I'm use to seeing her everyday for 3 years and now I have gone almost a month without her speaking to me! I feel like I pushed her away SOME at the beginning but that is just going to make it harder to get her back but possible in the future

 

It's been hard for me to understand this because no one on here ever gives anyone positive feedback it's a bunch of junk because there relationship failed but they didn't pray or work on it enough! Know one has patience therefore they move on if you really love someone or something you never give up on it because just like in the bible you will be rewarded but it's the people that really believe and stick around! Keep your head up like I'm doing I have got nothing but negative signs from her but her deleting me off her Facebook and all our pictures is a negative but I have been praying for a new start and that could turn to a positive by me looking at it as we are getting rid of that bad relationship to make a new on!!!

 

I am in NC right now to make me more attractive to her and everyone else!! But really it's boosting my confidence back up so the day I feel it is right I'll be that guy she first knew and fell in love with and not some drooling pathetic person that made it seem like he just needed her love to survive!!

 

I can't believe I'm saying this bc everyday I get worse when I think what if she don't come back but I believe and have faith in the lord and anything is possible through him just have patience make her realize what she is missing as well but better yourself! Sorry this is long but I'm tired of the mob on here as well!!!

Johnny85 Established Member

Johnny85

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Trevster, is there another guy involved?

Trevster Member

Trevster

Posted
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No there isn't a guy involved we were always togethe she hated when I would say she was with a guy or like a girl would text me she would get mad bc she would be like I'd never do that and get mad at me! Her family is controlling bc she told me at one point I'm starting to forgive you and all then she went somewhere with her mom and then texted me and was like we need to talk! It's messed up like that you know she is controlled or influenced by her iv always been her rock so her parents wouldn't influence her or her family like her sister who is at school with us won't control her bc I'm not there to stop it!

 

It's odd bc everything she is doin isn't like her and the things she been doing her siste makes her do stuff she always hated doing and being around ppl she hated and all that!!!

 

It hurts right now but I keep faith!

 

Advice!!

Johnny85 Established Member

Johnny85

Posted
Posted (edited)

Read the book I sent you, keep busy, start exercising, eating healthy, dating other women, focus on spending time with friends, have faith in the situation and tell yourself everything will be OK regardless of the outcome, and read the laws of attraction thread posted a few days ago. You have to allow her to miss you at this stage of the break up.

 

Good luck Trevor! And chances are she will miss you, seeing as there isn't a second man in her life right now. :bunny:

 

But remember, your well-being comes first. Focus on YOU, and things will workout. I became obsessed with the Insanity workout, and lost 10 pounds in the first month, and built muscle. It became my new focus and really helped me feel better physically AND mentally. You should check it out Trevor; I bet it will do the same thing for you as it did for me.

Edited by Johnny85
Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
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secondchancer: I understand your point :) Going NC or not one has to be mentally prepared and ready to step into it, however my point is, if your ex really doesn't want to be with you anymore, there's no point waiting around for her. You have your own life, your own future, your own happiness you have to take care of.

 

You are an adult, and I know you will do what's best for yourself when you feel you have to get into NC for yourself.

Trevster Member

Trevster

Posted
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Second chance I appreciate it I really am working hard and being positive I have to see her when I go to church but I keep my distance bc my faith and belief is strong in us I just believe we needed this to be able to move on and hopefully have a stringer relationship in the future! I really hope she does miss me that's all I want to know bc she won't speak to me a but and isn't budging but I am reading the book and staying string I thank you for the positive and true facts I'm sick of ppl saying the same thing. They all say give up bc they all gave up! Feel free to email me things and just be a friend really supportive either way!

 

FuFu I dony believe that if someone leaves you then they are done with you! I believe if you keep working on yourself and keeping strong in what u believe can happen! People that don have patience and that can't wait to better themselves and they feel hopeless are the people that are telling everyone to give up! Anything is possible doesn't matter what it is they fell n love with you once it can happen again! After a break up you are given two roads one to give up the second to make yourself a better person in general and achieve what outcome you want out of it wether to move on n the right way as figuring out u dont need them or they weren't right for you or to het back with them and have a stronger relationship!!!!

Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
Posted (edited)

FuFu I dony believe that if someone leaves you then they are done with you! I believe if you keep working on yourself and keeping strong in what u believe can happen! People that don have patience and that can't wait to better themselves and they feel hopeless are the people that are telling everyone to give up! Anything is possible doesn't matter what it is they fell n love with you once it can happen again! After a break up you are given two roads one to give up the second to make yourself a better person in general and achieve what outcome you want out of it wether to move on n the right way as figuring out u dont need them or they weren't right for you or to het back with them and have a stronger relationship!!!!

 

I do agree with you anything can happen, however as long as you remain positive and happy in your well-being, it's fine to do things you are comfortable with. ^_^

 

And I'm always believe in being a better person after a failed relationship, learned from the mistakes and never do them again.

 

There are problems that some people hold too much hope that their exes will come back to them and as a result they neglect their own health and well being, their family, friends, own career.

 

If the exes come back and wants to work things out with us, that's fantastic news and a better and stronger relationship can be rebuilt.

 

However, if the exes still remain firm in their decision for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, all of their lives, are you going to neglect your own future and your family for your ex?

 

Personally, letting go and giving up is not a form of losing patience. I let go because I believe I have to be real happy to walk through my own life, I am accountable for my own life happiness. (If one day my ex wants to be with me again sincerely, I probably will not reject him, however I know now, he's not coming back for me and I am not going to wait around for him.)

 

I will want to be a happy person, be strong and positive in my life from now on and future.

 

Personally, I sincerely believe that everyone of us in this forum will find happiness, whether our exes come back or we find new partners.

 

And if (scenario speaking) your ex don't come back to you, you will pluck up the courage to move on and be happy for yourself. It's your own life, your own future and I believe you wouldn't want to give up on yourself if she chooses not to walk the journey down the road with you.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best of your journey in getting her back, I wouldn't say it's impossible, because anything can happen. However, in the process, do not and never neglect your well-being, health, family and career/business. I personally believe, if one is not happy, how can one gives happiness to their true love.

Edited by Fufu
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