Otowngirl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 And I use that term loosely, but technically, I "dumped" him. Of course, this was after yet another fight during our year-long relationship, and after this text: "why r u acting this way? ur not my girlfriend...". That was it...I'd had it; that was the final straw. After all that we had been through; after being best friends and helping each other through some God-awful times; after the intimacy and the closeness of being together for an entire year...it seems I am actually not his girlfriend...not this month, I guess. The label seemed to fit when he wanted it to. Oh, and ours was a relationship that didn't NEED labels...we were different. And yet, as I read all of your posts, we were just like anyone else. He is a boy; I am a girl; we were in a relationship...call it whatever you want. And I had hung in there; up and down the emotional rollercoaster because when it was good; it was amazing but when it was bad; it was terrible! And I decided that I had had enough... But not at first...at first, I was reading everything I could about "No Contact" and how it is an important tool in getting your ex back. Because I just knew that he would wake up and realize what he had with me and how stupid he was to through it all away and he would show up at my door and we would ride off on his scooter into the sunset...But now I am just plain pi**ed off! He isn't coming back; if anything, he's oblivious that I have actually ended it. Because this has happened in the past and time has passed (usually only a week or two) and we start in all over again. I am a writer by nature and have kept a journal since I knew how to write. So, I dragged out my old journals and if my best friend told me all of the crap that is contained therein, I would've asked her "what took you so long"?? And I got really, really angry...I've already lashed out in an nasty email. It didn't make me feel any better and just made me look like psycho-girl, so I eased up and went back to "NC". And then he sent me a couple of texts asking "did I leave such-and such at your place?" Nope...sure didn't. And then..."can I borrow such and such"? Which I just ignored because I'm done doing him any favors. And then there was Hope because all of the "ex-recovery" advice said this was a sign; keeping in contact was a real sign that he still cares. Sadly, it doesn't. It just means he a) couldn't find the such and such and thought he left it at my house; and b) has no problem asking me for favors because I've always done so much for him in the past...why would this time be any different?? So, where does that leave me? Back to "NC" because even though I "technically" dumped him; he had left the "relationship" already. I know this because the day after said break-up, he posted a personal ad, looking for a "relationship". Now it's been amended to "dating but nothing serious" (yes, I checked his profile...because I am an idiot and a glutton for punishment). And this post is pure indulgence because as I said, I am mad as heck and as I am in "NC", I cannot say what I am feeling to him. Or tell him off. Or let all the air out of his tires so he can't go on dates...does touching his tires count as "contact"? Or do or say all of the mean, evil things that I am thinking right now and that would do no good and just confirm his suspicions that I AM crazy and thank God he got out with his nuts intact. This is just me rambling and getting my anger out in a way that I feel is healthy and thank you for allowing me to do this. But I do want to say something constructive to those of you that are still reeling from the heartache that this too shall pass. This break in the heart that leaves you gasping for air and thinking that you will never, ever be able to get over will - in time --become a dull ache and a faded memory. I know this because of "Mark". Mark who cheated on me after we lived together and were headed to an engagement. I thought I would never recover from that one. And one day, he called. He called because it was Christmas and he was lonely and he realized that he had thrown away something special. All of the things I longed to hear him say for so many months...came pouring over the phone line. But it was too late. I had ceased contact and picked up the pieces of my shattered life and moved on. I wasn't anyone else...I just no longer cared. I felt bad for him and sad for what had been a pretty decent relationship but I was over it. And him. So, keep with the NC. Tell yourself that you're just doing it "to get them back". For now. And while you're at it, start working out; maybe buy some new clothes or do something different with your hair. So that you will be looking fantastic when they "come back". And slowly, all of this will be less and less for them but more and more for yourself. I promise you that. "She asked if seeing you was a drain. No, I replied. Seeing you isn't a drain; it's a sewer."
nana841121 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 So, keep with the NC. Tell yourself that you're just doing it "to get them back". For now. And while you're at it, start working out; maybe buy some new clothes or do something different with your hair. So that you will be looking fantastic when they "come back". And slowly, all of this will be less and less for them but more and more for yourself. I promise you that. yes, you are right You said the words from my mind. i have been there. maybe remain there But i have faith in myself. i will get it over He doesn't deserve
timchambo Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 lol. seriously thank you for making me smile. I would offer some advice, but seems you don't want any. best of luck with your situation. Oh one thing I thought I would say is, I don't think this infamous "NC" is a means to get them back. More a side affect of you moving on. It appears moving on is the part that they don't like which brings them back. I have a friend that is trying to use this to bring her ex back. Wow she is learning the hard way. She is less than intelligent though.
Author Otowngirl Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Au contraire, timchambo! I welcome any advice because Lord knows I am still searching for answers if I'm up at 3am posting on this board! I think my point is that I started the NC in an effort to "recover my ex". However, in the process of examining our relationship and what went wrong, I discovered that maybe after all is said and done, maybe...I don't want him back. And, maybe, I am just moving past the hurt into the anger portion of this process so I sound like I don't need any stinking advice! I am older...but it seems I ain't wiser. And I'm trying to be...somehow, I will get this right. I do know that I have read ALOT on breaking up from all over the net and this place seems to have the most sensible, intelligent people on it. Which is why I decided to join. Maybe I can help others...I've already seen so much great stuff on here that has helped me! And I wished I had read about "GIGS" about 5 months ago when I got the "I'm not happy when I'm with someone and I'm not happy when I'm without someone" speech. I think he was trying to articulate this very thing. It makes sense...every time we fought; or took a break; invariably, he would post a personal ad. I don't think it worked well for him because I am simply irreplaceable! We'd get back together and I would throw a fit and demand he take it down, which he would, because for some reason (love? devotion? fear?) he wanted to be with me. I see now he is confused; has always been confused; which explains why he wanted to be with me and yet was looking on the personals when things got rough. At least, I think it does? Oh, who knows?? I don't...but I'm willing to listen.
Trevster Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I got dumped 3 weeks ago by a girl and it has been 3 years I mean 4 days before our break up she would tell me she wanted me to ask her to marry her then 2 days before she told me I was getting sweeter and she was getting happier then she rips my heart out! Like my love is unconditional I wasnt the best bf but I tried I mean I'm 19 she is 21 but I have grown up alot since I was 16 an she has stuck by me! I mean if she were to get into a car wreck and physically messed up paralyzed, burned, limbless I would still love her and marry her for who she is and not her looks and take care if her for the rest of my life! Not many college kids can say that about someone! I begged and pleaded and got her back before but this time she tells me its too late! 3 weeks now she deleted me off her Facebook and all our pictures she acts like I'm nothing to her and never was tells all her friends and family she is done! I now am n full NC and it was to try and get her back but I'm starting to realize that if I have to beg and plead for someone to come back it's not real! So I want to get over this bad relationship so maybe one day we could have a good one! I know have all my faith in the lord to make me a better person and to live my life through him for me! Hopefully the lord knows what u need being her and he can pave the way a step at a time for me to be a better person and for a full healthy relationship! He is mighty to save and the lord can put any feelings on someone's heart anytime of the day. What day the dumpee will see what they left who they had and will make a effort to come back! But this time u can think clear bc at one point this person ripped your heart out but who knows how it will go this time! I don't have the best advice but I have the best god who can work wonders on yourself and other' we just have to trust in him and things can get better! I always put her on a pedistoll and it makes me look Pathetic but I am seeing the way now of how to really make something worth it because as long as we remember who we are we won't hurt things will fall into the place that they belong! I'm trying to stay strong and it's hard but we all can do it because everyone always realizes what they really had then it falls into the dumped persons hand on wether to risk hurting like that again and giving them a chance!!!!
betterdeal Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I have to say, this is a great example of why all the high drama and dicking around at the end of a relationship really isn't worth it. You're a fine writer, Otowngirl.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I just read your post. It almost sounds as if we dated the same person. I have been NC for 8 months now. Like you, I did the final email letting him know what I thought about his actions. He had been contacting people on craigslist and looking up escort services. And come to find out, he had a history of doing this, even when he was with his last ex. No wonder why the last time he had "dropped her a note" she told him to go see a shrink. I did feel pretty bad after the last email that I sent, because it was not like me to be mean. But I didn't re read it over and over again. I only re read it recently after someone posted on here about if their ex was abusive at the end, because I thought maybe I was. However, when I re read it, there was nothing at all abusive about it. It was basically calling him on his bad behavior, his lies (which he kept lying even after getting caught) and telling him he needed to get help. He is a narcissist and I believe it caused him what is called "narcissistic injury". He just couldn't handle the fact that he got caught in the act and might be "exposed". I think he had been able to keep his behavior under the gun for many years. Anyhow, he did the personals ad also. But, as much as it hurt I knew I did not want him back. There was no way I could ever trust him again, ever, especially with his history. I immediately went NC. The hardest part was that his sister use to contact me all the time, in the beginning, asking me to forgive him, and so on. But, she also understood why I couldn't and was respectful to me when I asked her to not bring his name up anymore. Someone else will have to deal with the things he does, if they even know about it.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 P.S. I almost had to chuckle (although I realize these things aren't funny) when you talked about "labels" for your relationship. On our FB we were in a "relationship". Then one day I noticed he was "single" again. I was a little pissed because nothing had happened between us. He claimed that he didn't know what happened or how it changed. He then said it didn't matter because he looked at it as if "he was single as in not married". LOL
Pens55 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 That was an awesome post. Definitely brightened my day!! You're learning that you deserve better, enjoy your control and happiness:D
Tayla Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Thank you for the wisdom and validation on the final call. To those who also shared your experience and heartache, take heed to the OP, its worthy of understanding that sometimes being the "dumper" ( though a label to some) is a liberating experience given this particular circumstance. Chin up, reach for the sky and learn well from this.
Recommended Posts