lisapisa Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I'm wondering what you think of a 42 year old man, married for 14 years, who insists that it's OK to go out to a bar with his single friend after golf or hockey games and stay out until as late as 1 or 2 in the morning? This is an otherwise responsible person (though not the most devoted husband in the world, I've come home from business trips to find him out having fun instead of being here to greet me at 10 or 11 at night). Anyway, he's not a drunk or a couch potato. This is a bad habit that has continued throughout our marriage. I'm 45 and still good looking and in need of love and companionship. Is there ANY WAY to combat this behavior? Talking gets me nowhere. I'd especially like to hear from men about this. Thanks. By the way, we do not have children, or I probably would have left years ago for their sake.
kellyguinn Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I used to go out to bars and such but since I had chlildren I do not do that sort of stuff anymore except for on occation, and normally my wife is with me. I personaly do not like that kind of behavior but that doesn't mean that he is having an affair. He may be craving companionship that he is lacking in your marraige. Try to go with him once and a while and take note of how he acts. My wife would go out to the club every weekend if she could so I know where you are comming from. Good Luck Kelly
thirtysomething Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Here's my two cents:......... how often does he do this? There's a big difference between someone who hangs out in bars 2-3 time per week until 1-2 in the morning, and a guy who hooks up with guy buddies 4-5 times per year and then stays out a bit too late. To get right to it, the first scenario suggest he's out looking for more than just male bonding, and the second suggest he's just keeping his identity as a man and "being a guy" once and a while. Only you know the answer to that. Take care.
fredrolin Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 yes, you never said how often he goes out. My wife usually meets friends once a week and stays out late and I also do the same once a week. We trust each other...
UCFKevin Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Well, just from your short post, it sounds like you want him to be like a puppy, waiting for you to get home and wanting to spend every second possible with you. I personally think it's healthy to have a life outside your marriage, to NOT do things together 24/7.
wideawake Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 If I came home from a biz trip at 11pm and my chick was out getting her drink on I would be major pissed off.... A little consideration can go a long way. Just my 2cents. How often is he out though? Like 30something mentioned, it's a big difference between twice a week and twice a quarter.
Author lisapisa Posted April 6, 2004 Author Posted April 6, 2004 It's not a few times a year. It's maybe 4-5 times a month. Kills a lot of our Saturday nights because he's out with his friends. You said timing is everything and you're right. He once stayed out until 3 on our anniversary after I said, sure, go play softball (I expected him to come home early for heaven's sake). When he's playing hockey (not a pro) this can be 2-3 times a week for several weeks at a time. Not 2 a.m., but midnight or 1. And he can't commit to a return time. It's like the guy doesn't have any control over his actions. Very annoying. Or he will say he'll be home early and I'll joke, ha ha, right and you know what, he comes home even later than usual. It's a control game, I think. I personally do not understand why married couples would hang out in bars with their friends. Out to dinner, sure, but to a bar? I got over that scene many years ago. The really happily married people I know don't do things like that. My parents, thank God, were not like that. Anyway, I either need to live with it or leave, because he's not going to change. He's a case of arrested development.
fredrolin Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Life doesn't end with marriage. Apparently this man isn't the right type of husband for you. You need a man who wants to spend all his time with you. Then you will probably complain that he is smothering you. I love it when my wife goes out with her friends; its healthy to spend time apart. We trust each other. You seem insecure.
wideawake Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Hey lisa, I don't think you're insecure at all!!! Sounds to me like you are very secure (hey, look at what she has been putting up with??!). I'd be pissed to if my partner was playing this kind of game with me, and I'm a guy (just in case you didn't know...). Sounds to me like you just want to have more of a normal, sharing relationship with your hubby and he being pretty darn childish about staying out and playing with the boys till all hours. Bottom line is that any relationship is a two way street and if this is really causing you that much trouble, than yeah I think he's way out of line for not ramping things down a little. I mean, he's 42 for crying out loud...grow up already, the whole fact that he can't commit to a time to be home would drive me nuts. And being out and leaving you alone on Saturdays is pretty nasty stuff, in my opinion (again, just my opinion) that's a time that should be used to share with your partner...you've both worked all week, it's just nice to hang out together on a fri and sat night... Anyway...in my experience personally, I've done much the same thing as your husband has (abit at a MUCH younger age....mid 20s) and it cost me a darn good relationship with a great girl. Once bitten...well, you just have to friggin' grow up I guess. Sorry to hear about this, but it sounds to me like you're acting totally normal. Good luck!!! WA
fredrolin Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 When I am out having a good time, I don't want to stop to just go home and do nothing. What is the difference if he comes home at 1am or 3am ? Life is to short to be hen pecked by a wife. I work hard all week and if I want to stay out and party all night on a Friday night my wife understands.
moimeme Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 But fredrolin, you don't like your wife and hate your marriage. Ideally, the husband actually likes his wife and wants to spend time with her.
Author lisapisa Posted April 7, 2004 Author Posted April 7, 2004 My husband is not henpecked and I do not want him to myself all of the time. Indeed, we lead very separate, almost too separate, lives. I am very active as a writer and as a volunteer and I enjoy having time alone to read or be with the animals, whatever. But I am sometimes alone all weekend! And sorry, but I really do not and never will understand a married man who "parties" on the weekends with his friends. Nor a wife who "understands" that. Sounds more like roommates than a married couple to me. I mean, what's the point of being married if this is where your priorities lie? My only recourse is to have definite plans, for us or with friends. Then he's here. If it's just me and there's an alternative for him to choose from, then he will almost always choose the other person, unless he's completely exhausted. My husband's parents had a bad relationship and were divorced when he was 13. Until he married me, he was accountable to no one. I think he still feels unaccountable and is annoyed if I even inquire about his activities. I do a lot for my husband. He has very low self esteem and a tremendous need for acceptance. I think his comfort level is in noisy places among drunk, unjudgmental (and intellectually undemanding) people. Thanks everyone. This forum has helped me figure a lot of things out!
wideawake Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Good luck lisa, you sound like a really solid wife. It's a shame your husband won't understand that until you're gone.
Author lisapisa Posted April 7, 2004 Author Posted April 7, 2004 Truly, I'm not nearly as demanding as most women I know, and their husbands don't seem to mind them. I never ask my husband to shop with me, or run errands with me or anything like that. He lives like a king in this house (I'm a great cook as well. We never eat frozen stuff or God forbid, fast food.) I've told him to go find someone else and enter the real world. Sometimes I think I've been too easy on him and he's the kind of person who takes advantage of, instead of rewarding, kindness. Anyway, thanks for your support Wide Awake. I appreciate it.
Fedup&givingup Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 What I'm hearing from you is that your husband's behavior is bothering Y-O-U, and you want to feel validated for it. Respectfully so. I would not be approving of what he is doing, nor would I condone it. It sounds to me like he's going out weekly doing this, and he's neglecting you in the process. There is no "dating" on your behalf. The fact that there are no children involved in this equation would BE the reason I would seriously consider ending the marriage. You have tried to talk to him about this, and he refuses to listen anymore. NOT good. He's disregarding your feelings, period. What do you do about that? That's a big deal. In essence, I feel that your husband is cheating you. Not necessarily cheating "on" you, but he's denying you. That is not fair, and marriage is just not an easy thing. Good luck to you, and NO, I don't feel that you deserve to be treated like this.
fredrolin Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 well apparently you have been letting him get away with this behavior all these years, so why would he change now? Do you give empty threats? Some people just give off that vibe of "walk all over me, I will take it". Until you give him a real ultimatum and stick to it he will continue his current lifestyle.
Author lisapisa Posted April 7, 2004 Author Posted April 7, 2004 Thanks for the advice. You are right, it's cheating. Subtle cheating, but cheating. It would be better if he had a girlfriend? By the way, we look a lot alike!
sofedup Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 I would Go about Setting Clear Boundaries and Consequences For YOUR LIFE, things that You Will Allow in your Life. IF he can't Agree to them, or Won't agree to them, then You must Decide what You Need to do next. If You can't live with his Going out to Bars and Strip clubs, then You must decide what You need to do for yourself to make Yourself Happy... You do not Deserve to be treated this Way. You Do not deserve to be treated with Disrespect the Way he is Treating you. Men going to Strip Bars, is Cheating, its Disrespectful to their Wives. Its Lusting After another Woman, and it is Cheating. I don't know about you, But, I did not Marry my husband 20 years ago, for him to Be Lusting after other Women, to be going off to Strip Bars, getting lap dances from other women, or to be touching other Women's Bodies. When He married me, and Said I DO... He Promised to Love, Honor, and Cherish ME.... I think somewhere along the Line, MEN, have Gotten Their Vows all Messed UP... Lisa, I hope you can Find the Strength to Stand your Ground and Be Firm with your Boundaries. Its the Key to Finally Seeing The Results or the End. sofedup
lilmoma1973 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 why stay nothing is holding you there? yOU have no kids so what is holding you from not leaving.. i would be gone sounds like he is living the single life and you are allowing him.. i don't think married men should be going to bars you are asking for trouble going to bars .. People go to bars to meet and greet and have a fling!! i wouldn't allow this crap anymore get out while you can !!! GOOD LUCK:)
harleygirl92156 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 he's not a drunk I would seriously rethink this statement. My husband use to do the exact same thing and after six years of being totally left out of his "drinking" life and his life in general, HE finally came to the conclusion he was alcoholic! He went to recovery and I found out what was REALLY going on in the bars till all hours of the night! If you are smart, you will put a stop to it now, you will not sleep with him until he has been checked for STD's and you will stop worrying about what is wrong with you (it isn't you that has the problem) and just take care of yourself. If he is spending that much time in the bars drinking with his single friends you can bet there is more going on than just drinking. There are too many UNDERSTANDING women in bars that like to drink as much as he does and that is where "my wife just doesn't understand me" comes into play. Tread carefully and above all TAKE CARE OF YOU!
harleygirl92156 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 He has very low self esteem BIG RED FLAG FOR A MAN PRONE TO INFIDELITY!!!
Kenyth Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Set boundaries! No married man should expect to be able to party in strip clubs a few times a month without repercussions! If he stays out until 3AM against your wishes, wake him up at 6AM for a nice healthy discussion about it and how you're going to leave because of it. Second offense, pack up and leave. Don't talk about it endlessly, disappear for a month and room with freinds or family. Set a time limit for him to be clean. If that doesn't put things on the straight and narrow, divorce him. Make sure you are perfectly clear with him on your feelings about this and tell him often! Don't keep quiet or give subtle hints and expect anything to change.
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