zig Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Alright, I've been dating this girl for a couple of months and the conversation about family came up. I'm a marriage type of guy and would like to have kids someday. She also wants kids but not her own... she wants to adopt. This goes a step further so hang on here. I think adoption is noble and good but she wants to adopt the whole family. I'm open to the idea and like I told her, I'd be willing to consider adding to the family after I had a couple of kids of my own. She's totally against the idea of having her own kids. Her rationale was, why bring my own child into the world when I can just adopt a kid who needs a parent. Again, noble but.... but.... am I the only one who would find this uncomfortable? Taking legal responsibility for a child is a big deal. If I'm going to give up so many things in life and support a household I at least want the little crumb snitcher to be from my own seed. At least at first until you find out you want more. So basically at the end of the conversation she gave me an ultimatum. Either I want to adopt kids or "just let her know". Meaning, unless I want what she want's the relationship is over. I thought that was tacky and viewed it as a way for her to use a man to get what she wants. Let's just add in the fact that she wants to be a stay at home mom. I feel like I shouldn't have to defend my desire to procreate of my own seed. The burden of proof is on her. What do you think? Men, how do you feel about having "your own kid" vs. raising someone elses kid?
mark982 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 zig, you have only been dating this girl for a couple months, and she/s already making demands?? you fall for this little rant, you're crazy... run like your azz is on fire.
daphne Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I don't know that she's wrong to want what she wants any more than you are. However, I am much more strongly in your camp of wanting the kids to be my own eggs. If it's a dealbreaker for her, I'm wondering why she didn't bring this up really early on.
Sabali Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Man, this girl is a trip. Like Daphne said, I am not sure if she is wrong for what she wants but the whole "just let me know" this is a trip. Not even a hint of compromise in that scenario. It's been only two months and this woman is throwing up some nice red flags for you. You are picking up on this stuff pretty well so I know your gut is telling you to do something. I can't help but to wonder if she can have kids or not and that is why she is being so rigid. I am not sure but it just crossed my mind. In any event, trust me, this won't be her last ultimatum. I suspect she will be throwing them at you left and right as time goes on. I agree with Mark on this one.
Author zig Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I don't know that she's wrong to want what she wants any more than you are. However, I am much more strongly in your camp of wanting the kids to be my own eggs. If it's a dealbreaker for her, I'm wondering why she didn't bring this up really early on. Well she did bring it up in passing mentioning she'd like to adopt. I didn't know she wanted 'only' adopted kids. I thought it was just too early to talk about things like that when you've only been on a few dates so I never ran with it. Now I come to find out she doesn't want any kids of her own. Don't you think she's the odd one out in all of this? In a way, I feel like it would be hard to live with someone the rest of your life when they deny you the natural process of procreation. Now that I think about it, it's not so much that I'm against the adoption thing as much as the idea that she'll raise any kid except mine, or ours rather. Doesn't make me feel too much of a man TBH. More like a indentured servant.
Author zig Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) In any event, trust me, this won't be her last ultimatum. I suspect she will be throwing them at you left and right as time goes on. I agree with Mark on this one. Yeah I picked up on that instantly of course. You just can't throw out ultimatums in a relationship concerning something like this. It's a joint effort. I'm open to it and I know we could come to a compromise. Thing is, she might kick me to the curb but I wish her all the luck in the world finding a man who will marry her and take on three adopted kids. Possible, but highly unlikely. She needs to settle for middle ground. Agreed? Edited April 8, 2011 by zig
veggirl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Yeah I picked up on that instantly of course. You just can't throw out ultimatums in a relationship concerning something like this. It's a joint effort. I'm open to it and I know we could come to a compromise. Thing is, she might kick me to the curb but I wish her all the luck in the world finding a man who will marry her and take on three adopted kids. Possible, but highly unlikely. She needs to settle for middle ground. Agreed? Actually, you can and probably should throw out ultimatums about things that are not negotiable to you. If she feels this strongly about only adopting, then of course she should say so. No one needs to settle for a middle ground, including you.
Sabali Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Yeah I picked up on that instantly of course. You just can't throw out ultimatums in a relationship concerning something like this. It's a joint effort. I'm open to it and I know we could come to a compromise. Thing is, she might kick me to the curb but I wish her all the luck in the world finding a man who will marry her and take on three adopted kids. Possible, but highly unlikely. She needs to settle for middle ground. Agreed? I agree. It is said enough that relationships are all about compromise. Of course, if one person of the couple is unwilling to compromise then that's it. The matter with kids is a huge thing in a relationship. This is not like discussing what movie you are going to see on Friday.
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