Hindsight

[JaneDoe35]

I really wish I hadn't given so much time and energy away in an attempt to save my marriage. It had absolutely no impact on the final outcome and has left me tired and confused.

 

I should have saved myself months of drama/trauma and just turned my back and walked away. Because I wasn't thinking straight I didn't realise that the outcome had already been decided by my husband.

 

I believed I could fix it. How stupid.

 

All I had control of was myself.

 

The fight to reconcile left me exhausted and depressed. I am OK now and wouldn't choose to be with him even though he tries now and then. I don't find him attractive as a person.

 

I have forgiven him and I support him....but if only I could get back those months and concentrate on healing instead...

 

Just my thoughts....

[Yasuandio]

I have found this to be a wonderful community, and you will too.

 

There is no reason for you to regret the time and effort you applied in working on your marriage. Afterall, you were fighting for your marriage! You went about the only way you knew how. This takes time and energy. If you had not put for the effort, and invest some time in trying to save your marriage -- you would have been plauged for the rest of yor years wondering "what if I had made an effort," "what if this," "what if that." now that you have done what you can do (if you have given up at this point) -- the next step is to move thru the stages of loss. The bottom line, is, now you can only move forward, period. Fretting over wasted time is wasted time.

 

There are, however, some interesting and effective strategies that you may or may not wish to bother before you are fixed to a no-go position. While you await more LS responses, I can direct you to some positive-oriented marital-issue material free on-line to consider:

 

Divorce Busters (Michell Weiner-Davis author of the 180)

 

Marriage Builders (tons of great practical pro-marriage articles)

 

I really like Homer Mcdonald. If you keep searching, there is one site that has eight great articles in one place. There is no need to buy the book.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, you may want nothing more to do with him. I'm not really sure from your post. Since I am pro-saving the marriage, I'm pulling for you. But maybe you want something else or are already divorced.

 

Anyway, welcome. And, I hope these reading might be interesting for you. When you've had some time to contemplate, tell us, what would make YOU happy right now? What are you hopes, dreams, needs, and desires?

Edited April 8, 2011 by Yasuandio

[JaneDoe35]

I have found this to be a wonderful community, and you will too.

 

There is no reason for you to regret the time and effort you applied in working on your marriage. Afterall, you were fighting for your marriage! You went about the only way you knew how. This takes time and energy. If you had not put for the effort, and invest some time in trying to save your marriage -- you would have been plauged for the rest of yor years wondering "what if I had made an effort," "what if this," "what if that." now that you have done what you can do (if you have given up at this point) -- the next step is to move thru the stages of loss. The bottom line, is, now you can only move forward, period. Fretting over wasted time is wasted time.

 

There are, however, some interesting and effective strategies that you may or may not wish to bother before you are fixed to a no-go position. While you await more LS responses, I can direct you to some positive-oriented marital-issue material free on-line to consider:

 

Divorce Busters (Michell Weiner-Davis author of the 180)

 

Marriage Builders (tons of great practical pro-marriage articles)

 

I really like Homer Mcdonald. If you keep searching, there is one site that has eight great articles in one place. There is no need to buy the book.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, you may want nothing more to do with him. I'm not really sure from your post. Since I am pro-saving the marriage, I'm pulling for you. But maybe you want something else or are already divorced.

 

Anyway, welcome. And, I hope these reading might be interesting for you. When you've had some time to contemplate, tell us, what would make YOU happy right now? What are you hopes, dreams, needs, and desires?

 

Thanks...I have been around Loveshack for quite a long time. I don't want my marriage back. I divorced my husband in December last year. I tried all the things you have mentioned.

 

I guess that is my point...I wish I hadn't of wasted my time.

 

I think I have learnt that it really does only take one person to end a marriage. The best advice I can give - step back, let them have the end of 'their' marriage. Concentrate on healing and who knows - maybe they will return, most likely they wont....either way you will be stronger to deal with what is coming your way....

[Yasuandio]

I am very sorry for telling you stuff you already knew. I still do. Not think fighting to save your marriege is a waste. Cheer up.

[JaneDoe35]

I am very sorry for telling you stuff you already knew. I still do. Not think fighting to save your marriege is a waste. Cheer up.

 

No problem - I wanted to let others know who are just at the beginning of this crazy emotional adventure how I feel now after all this time....

 

Save your energy for future relationships....now they are tricky!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your message, you aren't able to take back the time but now you can utilize the time that you have.

 

I have been having a hard time deciding to can or continue my marriage. It is very exhausting.

[trippi1432]

I think I have learnt that it really does only take one person to end a marriage. The best advice I can give - step back, let them have the end of 'their' marriage. Concentrate on healing and who knows - maybe they will return, most likely they wont....either way you will be stronger to deal with what is coming your way....

 

Hey Jane - Good advice...and hard lessons unfortunately. Have missed seeing you on the boards.

 

{{{ HUGS }}}

 

Trippi

[JaneDoe35]

Hey Jane - Good advice...and hard lessons unfortunately. Have missed seeing you on the boards.

 

{{{ HUGS }}}

 

Trippi

 

Hey sweet Trippi! Very hard lessons indeed. How 'funny' is dating? I am sooo bad at it......learning from my 'mistakes' though. I really hope you are going OK.

 

Jx

[JaneDoe35]

Thank you for your message, you aren't able to take back the time but now you can utilize the time that you have.

 

I have been having a hard time deciding to can or continue my marriage. It is very exhausting.

 

It really does suck the life out of you....and then if there is no chance of going back - it feels so empty. Take care Dreaming.

[trippi1432]

Hey sweet Trippi! Very hard lessons indeed. How 'funny' is dating? I am sooo bad at it......learning from my 'mistakes' though. I really hope you are going OK.

 

Jx

 

Dating?? Wouldn't know really, gave up on that last year. Recently took down my Match profile because the people on there are so scary!!! It's like you go to the grocery store and there is that scary looking guy who winked at you online following you around the grocery story..."Hey, don't I know you from Match...har-de-har"....eeps!! Pretty sure he is on a sex offender's list somewhere...

 

Think I will just do it eventually the old fashioned way, when I am ready. I think for me, until I heal from my heartbreak, it's just best to keep men at a distance so I don't wind up with the wrong guy. I've just been keeping busy with my meetup group and work so I have excuses for being too busy...lol!! It works and gives me the time to work on me.

 

Very good book that I have been reading that was recommended to me by my IC, John Gray's Mars and Venus Starting Over. It has really opened my eyes to what we go through when we experience loss (breakups, divorce even death)...the healing emotions and how to let go with love. I realized that I never fully healed from the loss of my first exH that I truly loved. In that, my heart was never fully open to love with my second exH...but in that regard, I realize just how closed off my heart was that I wound up with someone who wasn't right for me in my second exH.

 

Recently, I opened my heart again...and though it didn't work out, I realize that it was a blessing. With so many good things about it that allowed me to open my heart, I can move forward in truly healing and keep my heart open enough for when the right person comes along instead of winding up with someone like my second exH that wasn't right for me. Not that this person was anything like my exH...thank goodness!! It's just very important in the healing process to remember the good things we loved about those people in our lives, but not to stay stuck in it.

 

So, dating...I will get there one day, just not in any hurry for it yet.

Edited April 9, 2011 by trippi1432
spelling

[dreamingoftigers]

I can't imagine dating again, I hated dating so much. Blah.

 

Hopefully as the guys get older they have less sense of entitlement and are ready to be more confident and fun.

[hopesndreams]

I can't imagine dating again, I hated dating so much. Blah.

 

Hopefully as the guys get older they have less sense of entitlement and are ready to be more confident and fun.

 

That could be why you're sticking to an H that has proven to be untrustworthy, despicable and hoping he will change into a better man. Fear. With that fear you will forever be stuck and as Jane says, wasting valuable time and energy on someone not worth it and the decision has already been made anyway...by him. From your thread, Dreaming, there may be a turnaround? Which turnaround is this? The 100th? When your H gets stuck on what to do, he can just read your posts, and you are pretty cool with that considering you wanted him to read every thought and feeling going through your troubled heart and soul. But hey, you aren't the only one blinded by "love" and going to desperate measures. If you were, this forum wouldn't even exist. It all comes down to respect for oneself. We all have to work at respecting and loving oneself after being crapped on by someone we gave our heart to.

 

I have found, with personal experience, the older guys DO have a sense of entitlement. They want the young pretty girls to fawn all over them and those that are the same age as them or slightly older, they disregard and make invisible. That could be why older women are dating the young guys. When we age, we don't want to deal with anymore BS.

[dreamingoftigers]

That could be why you're sticking to an H that has proven to be untrustworthy, despicable and hoping he will change into a better man. Fear.

 

15% fear, 30% hope, 30% believing what the experts in the field have told me 5% wanting a ROI 10% wanting to stabilize before ending (if necessary), 10% complacency. Overarching all of this is that I set out to do what I told myself that I would despite difficult odds. I respect and love myself for my loyalty and loyalty to my principles despite one unfortunate lapse in judgment.

 

With that fear you will forever be stuck and as Jane says, wasting valuable time and energy on someone not worth it and the decision has already been made anyway...by him. From your thread, Dreaming, there may be a turnaround? Which turnaround is this? The 100th? When your H gets stuck on what to do, he can just read your posts, and you are pretty cool with that considering you wanted him to read every thought and feeling going through your troubled heart and soul.

 

1. It may be the hundredth but at the start of this journey I told myself that I wouldn't give up on my family until I had exhausted every reasonable option. I think that an addict being 3 days away from treatment is still pretty reasonable. The fact that I am willing to go through with a dynamic for a period of time as is necessary does not translate to utter patheticness. Perhaps reading up about the dynamic of sexual addiction might help. I would have walked a long time ago if I believed it was just "******* disorder" and there was no hope of any kind of fix.

 

2. I fail to see what is wrong with my husband reading my posts or understanding my perspectives. He didn't even start doing that until the seperation. I took it as a decent sign of interest. Still do.

 

But hey, you aren't the only one blinded by "love" and going to desperate measures.

 

Perhaps not. If it were only about love and I couldn't place faith in a probable long-term gain, then I wouldn't.

 

If you were, this forum wouldn't even exist. It all comes down to respect for oneself. We all have to work at respecting and loving oneself after being crapped on by someone we gave our heart to.

 

Yes it does and I am quite glad for the first time in my 28 years to feel love for myself. The respect for myself is boundaries that I have to set up for myself and like any other skill I will not have this mastered overnight. I am glad that I show myself more patience and compassion then some others who read my posts and are further along in that sense then myself.

 

I have found, with personal experience, the older guys DO have a sense of entitlement. They want the young pretty girls to fawn all over them and those that are the same age as them or slightly older, they disregard and make invisible. That could be why older women are dating the young guys. When we age, we don't want to deal with anymore BS.

 

How disappointing....

 

I do have to ask, were you trying to be supportive of me or shame me? I am not in any way trying to be rude by asking but I am a little confused.

[Yasuandio]

Thanks...I have been around Loveshack for quite a long time. I don't want my marriage back. I divorced my husband in December last year. I tried all the things you have mentioned.

 

I guess that is my point...I wish I hadn't of wasted my time.

 

I think I have learnt that it really does only take one person to end a marriage. The best advice I can give - step back, let them have the end of 'their' marriage. Concentrate on healing and who knows - maybe they will return, most likely they wont....either way you will be stronger to deal with what is coming your way....

 

I have thought about your sage advice all day. I am so glad I responded with my niave perspective so to illicit what I did finially comprehend from your postings.

 

(It seems to take a sletch hammer to get thru to my opinionated attitude, the as the divorce process has brought out demons in me I never knew existed -- But I'm working on it!).

 

As old as I am, I think I have some wisdom and experience to share on LS. However, Jane, it is just great when someone totally shifts my paradigm! I have a whole new outlook on things today. Let him have his end to a 25 year marriage, and 30 year relationship. I put a lot on the table, I can do it for myself now, the heck with him. I'd bet this kind of service is damn hard to come by these days! Thank you for taking the time to make such an impression on me. Yas

[Yasuandio]

How disappointing....

 

I do have to ask, were you trying to be supportive of me or shame me? I am not in any way trying to be rude by asking but I am a little confused.

 

Dot,

 

Remember, even the kindest of us can act ugly or defensive because of trama and/ or anger we are experiencing. Some can get past it and move on. Some cannot. There are some people that have the ability and talent to get an unpleasant point across tactfully, and diplomatically. Then there are those "in your face types" (like me, that talk first, and think later). Some can speak out of turn and realize it -- and try to make amends. Some only see the negative and want to pounce on you to prove superiority to make up for their own lack of confidence, and there's no way you are going to see any remorse. Others, such as narcissists, have absolutely no human regard or empathy for you at all.

 

I've come up against this "hopesndreams" character before. As I recall, my he/she was responding from great pain, defending their grand expertise by claiming something to the effect of "how dare you, I'm an established member with over 3000 posts, blah, blah...". I won't even bother to look it up. But you know what I wanted to say back so bad! I wanted to say, "Well, excuuuuuse me, (Steve Martin voice), but I have had over 3000 therapy sessions!"(finially, I got the chance!).

 

Stop wasting your energy defending your position when you get challenged by unhappy, angry, or defensive people. Just let it roll off your back like a duck. Once you start engaging "us" (that might happen in this catagory, hopefully, just once in awhile), you get your hands full, and it is not worth the effort. You are really smart! Also, you are extremely knowledgable, and very gerenous in giving help to others. I think you are a great credit to the LS community. I hope Jane is OK with me redirecting the thread in this instance.

Edited April 10, 2011 by Yasuandio

[JaneDoe35]

I have thought about your sage advice all day. I am so glad I responded with my niave perspective so to illicit what I did finially comprehend from your postings.

 

(It seems to take a sletch hammer to get thru to my opinionated attitude, the as the divorce process has brought out demons in me I never knew existed -- But I'm working on it!).

 

As old as I am, I think I have some wisdom and experience to share on LS. However, Jane, it is just great when someone totally shifts my paradigm! I have a whole new outlook on things today. Let him have his end to a 25 year marriage, and 30 year relationship. I put a lot on the table, I can do it for myself now, the heck with him. I'd bet this kind of service is damn hard to come by these days! Thank you for taking the time to make such an impression on me. Yas

 

Oh Yas - my post was pretty vague so no wonder it took you a little time to get what I was trying to say.

 

The pain of divorce is so intense.....but although I am very pro-marriage - I could not make my ex husband want what I wanted any longer. I gave it everything I had. I lowered my standards and put myself on the line over and over again.

 

Yas - let him have what he wants. Give him his choices to live with. If you hold on he never has to know how final his decision is. Cut him off. Only have the contact that is 100% required.....generally not much.

 

As you know life shifts so quickly....but for him it is different as he has been in this place for a time. You just need to catch up now.

 

Rx

[Yasuandio]

Jane, I am on page 20, which is cementing today's earlier lesson. I am in now over two years of separation and ongoing contentious divorce process. My health has really been impacted, especially of late. My perceptions, reactions, behaviors, affect are really more out of the norm than usual.

 

I expect that from the huge amount of medications (you could feed a family very easily on the small co-pay) that I ingest for anxiety, depression, panic-disorder, and another issue I'm having trouble coming to terms with), but recently, I am leaving footprints that are not shaped at all like my actual feet.

 

Anyway, I was wondering if you felt anything like that in your experience? I am normally a calm, slow to anger, but colorful personality. But, I can see, even as recently as on your thread, a sarcastic, angry flair-up comes over me when I am posting. While reading and posting on LS has been extremely eduacational and theraputic for me, I am going to either have to stop posting or reach out for some help.

 

So, here I go again, throwing out apologies, this time to hopesndreams for my sarcasm, if I, indeed, even had the event straight in my mind. I missed my morning dose of medication for two days. I am particularly disturbed by my posting after reading all of hopendreams kind and thoughtful contributions to your threads. Hopesndreams, all I can do is express to you here and now, I am very sorry to have acted so ugly. Also, Dot, I was trying to help but I wasn't being very nice. I mean, really, I am ashamed, and I have tears in my eyes right now.

 

Will I ever get my tail out from between my legs?

 

Jane, I really wonder if these cheater/liars can actually drive you mad? I am scared out of my mind about the outcome of this. Well, I'll just go ahead and post this, as is, from the heart, at 3am, I think this my third mistake this week. And this is precisely why I miss my morning dose of medication sometimes -- I stay up all night and sleep in the morning. I'm not feeling too good. Thanks Jane!

[trippi1432]

Yas - I went through something similar myself last year. I was told that I had anxiety and depression....was given medication for that. Later, was misdiagnosed as bipolar during an examination while I was medicated and asleep...guess it makes it easier to detect (note the sarcasm). I was put on medication for BPD which led me to become suicidal actually. I finally fired the doctor and weaned myself off the meds in August of last year.

 

Over time my anxiety got better...and as of today, I have very little anxiety anymore. I manage it on my own very well. I am seeing the right therapist finally, one who knew my children and my ex as she was our family therapist from years ago. With that, she is more healing than a shrink and therapist that only diagnose and treat by a book of symptoms. She even noted after not seeing me for 2 years, that my anxiety was much better than it was when she saw us during family counseling and MC with my ex. Having known me and my family for almost 10 years off and on, she has thrown out the BPD diagnoses and replaced it with adjustment disorder with agitation. In just a short two months...and with treatment for what was truly going on with me, my anxiety has become much more manageable without meds.

 

Today, again...my anxiety is little to none now. No meds and I keep myself busy with friends and my son. It does get better over time, you just have to find ways to cope and keep stress out of your life. Putting up healthy boundaries is the first place to start and getting to acceptance of your situation. Learning that you can only control yourself, cutting yourself some slack and being kind to yourself are other ways of coping. I now do not let things that used to get to me affect me so much, even though people do like to test those boundaries still....perhaps indifference, but it's a much better place to be at than I was a year ago.

 

Hang in there and cut yourself some slack...you do post some very helpful and insightful information....and yes, cheaters/liars (like my exH) can seem to drive you mad sometimes. I think because we try to apply logic to their actions when there is no logic. We look for answers or the truth because they will not give it to us and they tend to lay blame at our feet to knock us off-balance leading us to this state of mind. It's when we realize that there is absolutely nothing we can do about them, only ourselves that we finally break through to the other side of indifference and acceptance with internal introspection and push on with our lives and let go...even let go with love because at some point in our lives, we did love them and that's okay too. You will get there Yas...it just takes time. It does get better.

 

Hugs!

Edited April 11, 2011 by trippi1432

[JaneDoe35]

Yas - I went through something similar myself last year. I was told that I had anxiety and depression....was given medication for that. Later, was misdiagnosed as bipolar during an examination while I was medicated and asleep...guess it makes it easier to detect (note the sarcasm). I was put on medication for BPD which led me to become suicidal actually. I finally fired the doctor and weaned myself off the meds in August of last year.

 

Over time my anxiety got better...and as of today, I have very little anxiety anymore. I manage it on my own very well. I am seeing the right therapist finally, one who knew my children and my ex as she was our family therapist from years ago. With that, she is more healing than a shrink and therapist that only diagnose and treat by a book of symptoms. She even noted after not seeing me for 2 years, that my anxiety was much better than it was when she saw us during family counseling and MC with my ex. Having known me and my family for almost 10 years off and on, she has thrown out the BPD diagnoses and replaced it with adjustment disorder with agitation. In just a short two months...and with treatment for what was truly going on with me, my anxiety has become much more manageable without meds.

 

Today, again...my anxiety is little to none now. No meds and I keep myself busy with friends and my son. It does get better over time, you just have to find ways to cope and keep stress out of your life. Putting up healthy boundaries is the first place to start and getting to acceptance of your situation. Learning that you can only control yourself, cutting yourself some slack and being kind to yourself are other ways of coping. I now do not let things that used to get to me affect me so much, even though people do like to test those boundaries still....perhaps indifference, but it's a much better place to be at than I was a year ago.

 

Hang in there and cut yourself some slack...you do post some very helpful and insightful information....and yes, cheaters/liars (like my exH) can seem to drive you mad sometimes. I think because we try to apply logic to their actions when there is no logic. We look for answers or the truth because they will not give it to us and they tend to lay blame at our feet to knock us off-balance leading us to this state of mind. It's when we realize that there is absolutely nothing we can do about them, only ourselves that we finally break through to the other side of indifference and acceptance with internal introspection and push on with our lives and let go...even let go with love because at some point in our lives, we did love them and that's okay too. You will get there Yas...it just takes time. It does get better.

 

Hugs!

 

Perfect response Trippi! I have watched others go through the same as myself....there really must be a cheaters handbook - they follow a very similar script. My closest friend is still close to the beginning of her journey with a lying cheating husband - I make her giggle with my 'What will happen next is......' chats.

[betterdeal]

I do have to ask, were you trying to be supportive of me or shame me? I am not in any way trying to be rude by asking but I am a little confused.

 

It certainly came across as quite didactic to me.

 

The implied moral framework of hopesndreams' post being similar sounding to the ideas contained within lots of personal development from the past 40 years, but warped into the proscriptive, externalised, fear-based world-view that there is one way to live a happy life and if you don't subscribe to my view you're wrong/evil/unhappy/deluded/insert dismissive term here.

 

Walk a mile in my shoes before judging me appears apposite in this case.

 

Edited April 13, 2011 by betterdeal

[fltc]

I really wish I hadn't given so much time and energy away in an attempt to save my marriage. It had absolutely no impact on the final outcome and has left me tired and confused.

 

I should have saved myself months of drama/trauma and just turned my back and walked away. Because I wasn't thinking straight I didn't realise that the outcome had already been decided by my husband.

 

I believed I could fix it. How stupid.

 

All I had control of was myself.

 

The fight to reconcile left me exhausted and depressed. I am OK now and wouldn't choose to be with him even though he tries now and then. I don't find him attractive as a person.

 

I have forgiven him and I support him....but if only I could get back those months and concentrate on healing instead...

 

Just my thoughts....

 

I really appreciate this post, I wish there was some way to tell people in similar situations to just let go, get out, begin the recovery process w/o the SO!

 

But folks here are told that in one form or another over and over and it appears that everyone must learn the lesson on their own.

 

I'm sure your post will be referred to and quoted many times but I doubt anyone will heed, we all grasp at straws until FINALLY we realize we must swim on our own.

 

I'm happy you're OK now or, at least, well on the way to OK!

[dreamingoftigers]

Jane, I am on page 20, which is cementing today's earlier lesson. I am in now over two years of separation and ongoing contentious divorce process. My health has really been impacted, especially of late. My perceptions, reactions, behaviors, affect are really more out of the norm than usual.

 

I expect that from the huge amount of medications (you could feed a family very easily on the small co-pay) that I ingest for anxiety, depression, panic-disorder, and another issue I'm having trouble coming to terms with), but recently, I am leaving footprints that are not shaped at all like my actual feet.

 

Anyway, I was wondering if you felt anything like that in your experience? I am normally a calm, slow to anger, but colorful personality. But, I can see, even as recently as on your thread, a sarcastic, angry flair-up comes over me when I am posting. While reading and posting on LS has been extremely eduacational and theraputic for me, I am going to either have to stop posting or reach out for some help.

 

So, here I go again, throwing out apologies, this time to hopesndreams for my sarcasm, if I, indeed, even had the event straight in my mind. I missed my morning dose of medication for two days. I am particularly disturbed by my posting after reading all of hopendreams kind and thoughtful contributions to your threads. Hopesndreams, all I can do is express to you here and now, I am very sorry to have acted so ugly. Also, Dot, I was trying to help but I wasn't being very nice. I mean, really, I am ashamed, and I have tears in my eyes right now.

 

Will I ever get my tail out from between my legs?

 

Jane, I really wonder if these cheater/liars can actually drive you mad? I am scared out of my mind about the outcome of this. Well, I'll just go ahead and post this, as is, from the heart, at 3am, I think this my third mistake this week. And this is precisely why I miss my morning dose of medication sometimes -- I stay up all night and sleep in the morning. I'm not feeling too good. Thanks Jane!

 

I found you helpful/supportive, not sure where you are getting the other idea from.

 

I in no way say this with any disrespect but rather having had experience with it: have you considered EMDR therapy, going through a seperation is very traumatic.

 

As well, the Amen Brain Clinics do spectral scans for brain issues so that they can pinpoint exactly what areas need to be targeted with certain types of nutritional/medication treatments.

 

My father went for a brain scan last year and is a much for easy to take human being.

 

I know that bipolar under spectral scan looks almost "Randomly patchy" so treating bipolar folks with a "Standard formula" is almost completely trial and error. That would also explain the anxiety and other condtions.

 

Bipolar being "patchy" would create a varying pattern and by treating one area, you could be setting another out of line. I strongly suggest the scan if you live anywhere near a clinic.

 

I really have a lot of empathy for anyone going through having a hard time with their emotional centering. Our brains are so flukey sometimes and it is so tough in relationships as well.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yas - I went through something similar myself last year. I was told that I had anxiety and depression....was given medication for that. Later, was misdiagnosed as bipolar during an examination while I was medicated and asleep...guess it makes it easier to detect (note the sarcasm). I was put on medication for BPD which led me to become suicidal actually. I finally fired the doctor and weaned myself off the meds in August of last year.

 

Over time my anxiety got better...and as of today, I have very little anxiety anymore. I manage it on my own very well. I am seeing the right therapist finally, one who knew my children and my ex as she was our family therapist from years ago. With that, she is more healing than a shrink and therapist that only diagnose and treat by a book of symptoms. She even noted after not seeing me for 2 years, that my anxiety was much better than it was when she saw us during family counseling and MC with my ex. Having known me and my family for almost 10 years off and on, she has thrown out the BPD diagnoses and replaced it with adjustment disorder with agitation. In just a short two months...and with treatment for what was truly going on with me, my anxiety has become much more manageable without meds.

 

Today, again...my anxiety is little to none now. No meds and I keep myself busy with friends and my son. It does get better over time, you just have to find ways to cope and keep stress out of your life. Putting up healthy boundaries is the first place to start and getting to acceptance of your situation. Learning that you can only control yourself, cutting yourself some slack and being kind to yourself are other ways of coping. I now do not let things that used to get to me affect me so much, even though people do like to test those boundaries still....perhaps indifference, but it's a much better place to be at than I was a year ago.

 

Hang in there and cut yourself some slack...you do post some very helpful and insightful information....and yes, cheaters/liars (like my exH) can seem to drive you mad sometimes. I think because we try to apply logic to their actions when there is no logic. We look for answers or the truth because they will not give it to us and they tend to lay blame at our feet to knock us off-balance leading us to this state of mind. It's when we realize that there is absolutely nothing we can do about them, only ourselves that we finally break through to the other side of indifference and acceptance with internal introspection and push on with our lives and let go...even let go with love because at some point in our lives, we did love them and that's okay too. You will get there Yas...it just takes time. It does get better.

 

Hugs!

 

I had so many similar things happen to me, wow!

 

The suicidal thing, the dianosis rescinded, husband trauma and the whole irrationality of it all.

 

I have a few theories of the irrational thinking patterns of addicts/cheaters but I'll save them for when I have a little more time.

 

Needless to say that the only way to truly rescue oneself from their nutso pattern is to apply logic with yourself, follow through on your own beliefs and principles, check to see if they are congruent and then ignore their crap aside from holding them to their words and choices.

[dreamingoftigers]

It certainly came across as quite didactic to me.

 

The implied moral framework of hopesndreams' post being similar sounding to the ideas contained within lots of personal development from the past 40 years, but warped into the proscriptive, externalised, fear-based world-view that there is one way to live a happy life and if you don't subscribe to my view you're wrong/evil/unhappy/deluded/insert dismissive term here.

 

Walk a mile in my shoes before judging me appears apposite in this case.

 

 

Thanks for the song, I am listening to it now and quite like it. I am going to hold onto that one.

[JaneDoe35]

I really appreciate this post, I wish there was some way to tell people in similar situations to just let go, get out, begin the recovery process w/o the SO!

 

But folks here are told that in one form or another over and over and it appears that everyone must learn the lesson on their own.

 

I'm sure your post will be referred to and quoted many times but I doubt anyone will heed, we all grasp at straws until FINALLY we realize we must swim on our own.

 

I'm happy you're OK now or, at least, well on the way to OK!

 

Hi - nice post....you are truly correct when you say we all seem to need to learn this hard lesson on our own. Wish it were not so! So much energy given to a person sooooo long gone. Pointless but perhaps part of the journey.....I am doing OK - I am glad he is gone but I have been left with the sad legacy of fear....