I'm ruining it.

[tigressA]

I have officially become this huge ball of insecurity and seriousness and overall un-fun-ness. I hate it and I think BF does too.

 

Earlier I asked him if his family knows anything about me. He said his sister, brother and sister-in-law all know (because of Facebook, and in conversation), but his parents don't yet. I asked, "If your parents tried to set you up again like they did before, what would you tell them?" He said, "I would tell them the truth, that I have a girlfriend. What is this about?" I blurted that even though our immediate cohabitation is only temporary, it's still a big step for me and I don't want to feel like I'm being hidden away in the midst of it.

 

He said, "I'm serious about you and I know you are about me, but I feel like you're always questioning my intentions and that you don't really trust me. I just want to enjoy our relationship and not be so serious all the time."

 

He actually used the word "pressured" to describe how he felt. Like I was putting pressure on him. I said I just wanted to know if any of his family knew, and what he told me was sufficient. He said, "Okay" and that we'd talk about it more this weekend.

 

I'm normally not like this. I still see my ex in a lot of this relationship...it's not pleasant. I want to trust my BF but with what my ex did to me, and the natural parallels that are there between the two of them, I'm frequently questioning things and coming across very unattractive. With my ex I was a dirty secret; he didn't even acknowledge me as his girlfriend to his closest friends who I met several times and he always shied away from even the slightest PDA. He didn't put our relationship on FB or say a single word to his family. Then, unsurprisingly, I found out he had been cheating.

 

Now it's like I'm going to the extreme, wanting our relationship public and seeing the slightest hesitation from BF as a hint that he's not being faithful to me or taking our relationship seriously. But he hasn't hesitated at all with anything. I met several of his friends last weekend; he introduced me as his girlfriend, he was very very affectionate with me in front of them. He said he would tell his parents about me if I really wanted him to, though they would immediately start in with the "When are you getting married?" spiel and never relent.

 

I feel like it's already spinning out of control, and I want to fix it. I just don't know how.

[daphne]

Have you considered counseling? A good one can give you tools to relax and appreciate what you have in the moment, I think. Because if you worry yourself wondering if he's teh same guy, you could lose him. If he ends up being like your ex, you could lose him. Zero sum game isn't it?

 

I'm sorry this baggage is affecting what appears to be a good thing. I hope you can relax and enjoy it.

[Kamille]

I don't think you're ruining it. You expressed insecurity - it happens to everyone - and you both tried to address it.

 

There's no need to be hard of yourself for having had a bad moment. Forgive yourself for that moment.

 

Did what he tell you make you feel better? If so, tell him so, thank him for hearing you out and making you feel better. Most good guys love it when they realize they have the power to make things better.

 

I feel like right now you're letting your first insecurity let you lapse into more insecurity. Here's a little trick it took me years to figure out: when you bring up issues, make sure you leave him room to make you feel better. Pay attentions to that and thank him for that. If you don't, and if you end up feeling insecure about feeling insecure, you're just amping the problem.

 

So, like I said, take the time to recognize what went right in this conversation and thank him for what went right.

[youngskywalker]

Sounds like you are over-reacting. It's just one time of being insecure and we all do it.

 

So snap yourself out of it. If you keep it up it could be an issue for him in the future. Having a woman show insecurity to a man can be actually cute... but if it becomes a pattern then it's a red flag and you'll get dumped.

[heartshaped]

The first thing you have to do is stop thinking about your ex and comparing your past relationship with your current one. This man hasn't given you any reason not to trust him and your insecurity could very well rip your relationship apart. Trust in your new boyfriend and your relationship, don't think so much about what is happening, just enjoy what is happening. If you don't feel capable of getting through this on your own, maybe you should consider seeing a counselor.

[MarlyStar]

He knows his paarents better than you. Trust me, there are some awful enmeshed pushy weird parents out there. If he wants to shield you from his parents, TRUST HIM.

 

That he introduced you to his friends and was affectionate to you infront of them is a great sign. Comfort yourself with that, and trust him on the parent thing and let it go at his pace since it's slower than yours.

[tigressA]

I feel like right now you're letting your first insecurity let you lapse into more insecurity. Here's a little trick it took me years to figure out: when you bring up issues, make sure you leave him room to make you feel better. Pay attentions to that and thank him for that. If you don't, and if you end up feeling insecure about feeling insecure, you're just amping the problem.

 

So, like I said, take the time to recognize what went right in this conversation and thank him for what went right.

 

That's exactly what I'm doing. It's what I always do. I bring something up that I'm insecure about and then I feel insecure for having brought it up in the first place, for having displayed any insecurity. I always have the urge to take it all back, but I know that just makes things worse, so I don't. I just try to move on from it.

 

I want to trust him and I know, rationally, that I have every reason to do so. Rationally, I know it's not a big deal that his parents don't know (mine don't either, but that's because I haven't talked to them in months), particularly because his siblings and his friends do, and he didn't hesitate to make our relationship known to them. That he told me he would tell his parents if I really wanted him to, despite the fact that they would continually push him about marriage, also adds to his trustworthiness. But the irrational side of me takes over and just wants EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW. When I'm having these irrational bouts of insecurity I focus on one thing that I don't feel is right, or that I don't have, instead of the myriad other things that are right and/or that I do have. I know that if I let this take more of a hold on me, I will never feel like he's doing enough for me.

[Kamille]

But the irrational side of me takes over and just wants EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW. When I'm having these irrational bouts of insecurity I focus on one thing that I don't feel is right, or that I don't have, instead of the myriad other things that are right and/or that I do have. I know that if I let this take more of a hold on me, I will never feel like he's doing enough for me.

 

I know the feeling. I've struggled with it. I'm now better at handling it. The good new is, you're aware of it and you're aware of what it means. You're also probably aware that focusing on what doesn't feel right only makes things worse in the long run. Meaning, you know you will wake up tomorrow morning and that feeling will be gone.

 

What I had to learn how to do was say this: "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm in a bad mood tonight. I'll feel better tomorrow morning" and then force myself to not focus on the feeling. And, lo and behold, I always did feel better in the morning.

 

(Also, I tend to get that feeling when I'm already tired and stressed out about other stuff. You do have a lot going on in your life right now, so maybe recognizing you're stressed will help you assign anxiety to the right sources).

[tigressA]

I know the feeling. I've struggled with it. I'm now better at handling it. The good new is, you're aware of it and you're aware of what it means. You're also probably aware that focusing on what doesn't feel right only makes things worse in the long run. Meaning, you know you will wake up tomorrow morning and that feeling will be gone.

 

What I had to learn how to do was say this: "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm in a bad mood tonight. I'll feel better tomorrow morning" and then force myself to not focus on the feeling. And, lo and behold, I always did feel better in the morning.

 

(Also, I tend to get that feeling when I'm already tired and stressed out about other stuff. You do have a lot going on in your life right now, so maybe recognizing you're stressed will help you assign anxiety to the right sources).

 

Yeah, I am stressed out. I've been worried about moving in with him--I know it's only temporary but still, it tends to change a relationship. He has been so much more excited about it than I have been, indeed he's been just about giddy. He was the one to suggest it to me. He loves that he'll come home to me every day, that we'll fall asleep and wake up together. He loves that eventually I'll have my own place and we'll be in the same city.

 

The whole time I've been worried about, "What if I don't find a job for a month, or even longer? What if we get bored with seeing each other every day and things fall apart? Is he really THAT excited about living together?" Not to mention my pride--I don't like that I have to do it if I want to stay in the general area. I don't like that he would be "taking care of me" to that extent. At this point I have nowhere else to go besides to either of my parents in dead towns all the way across the state. The job offer worry is null and void now, as at this point I have one, and two interviews. I had told BF all this and he said I shouldn't be so worried, that everything will work out--and so far he's been right.

[Irishlove]

any man that is serious about you will do WHATEVER it takes to make you feel safe, secure and protected. Him using the words "pressuring me" puts up a huge red flag that he is going to use that as an excuse to leave as soon as he can.

[D-Lish]

Hi Tigress, I totally relate to what you are going through because it's happened to me in my relationship.

 

I did end up pushing the guy away being insecure and now I am kicking myself for it because we're breaking up.

 

I got so insecure after we went through the miscarriage that I pushed him away.

 

Whenever you feel the need to say something, and you know that need is driven by your insecurities- stop, take a deep breath and really think it through before saying anything. I had this foresight, but didn't exercise it, and lost him in the process.

 

I think you can still rectify this- but it's going to call for some major restraint on your part. You can do it- just let the rational part of you rule you, not the irrational side. To do this you just have to stay on top of your reactions.

 

I truly wish I had taken my own advice- because I totally ruined things being that needy, insecure female that send men in the other direction. I too hate being that girl, but I was that girl and it cost me my relationship. He wasn't perfect either, as a bf- his communication skills sucked- and that just added to my insecurity.

 

Anyway, thinking of you- and you can turn this around- just reign it in now before you're back here posting like I am a month from now!

[tigressA]

Oh D, I'm sorry things didn't work out. I remember seeing an update from you somewhere that you were getting back on track. ((hugs))

 

Thanks for your input. I think a lot of it is coming from stress due to the big changes happening after my life being so stagnant for awhile. In the upheaval it's easy to let your mind wander and think of everything that could go wrong. BF has been unfailingly positive and reassuring about everything, while I've been a big ball of worry. I really couldn't have asked for a better man. I don't want to continue like this.

[D-Lish]

Oh D, I'm sorry things didn't work out. I remember seeing an update from you somewhere that you were getting back on track. ((hugs))

 

Thanks for your input. I think a lot of it is coming from stress due to the big changes happening after my life being so stagnant for awhile. In the upheaval it's easy to let your mind wander and think of everything that could go wrong. BF has been unfailingly positive and reassuring about everything, while I've been a big ball of worry. I really couldn't have asked for a better man. I don't want to continue like this.

 

You won't, not if you stop right now. One thing I've learned is that you can't control your feelings, but you can control your reactions.

 

You have the knowledge, and the tools- not to mention the motivation to stay on track- so you have everything you need to right the situation.

You're further ahead than a lot of people that simply aren't insightful enough to understand their behaviour. Quite simply put, when you have insight, you have the ability to make positive changes.

 

You could ruin things if you keep up any antics connected to the insecurity- but you have all the tools you need to change things is that's truly what you desire to do.

 

It really does help to think first before reacting, but that takes practice, practice, practice:cool:.

[snug.bunny]

Just a few things to be mindful of....

 

You both met two months ago - correct? Okay so within that time, you've entered each other's closet/clothes, computer, facebook, you're planning/taking steps to move in with him and switch jobs (which he offered for you to move in, yes?). He's introduced you to friends/a few relatives, you both spend a good portion of time together, get along great, all good stuff!!

 

ALL WITHIN TWO MONTHS...

 

I think it is safe to say, that your boyfriend has demonstrated he's "in it" with you. No need to question beyond that, at this point.

 

Men instinctively want to fix/solve problems, but if a pattern emerges of you constantly questioning certain things that pose as a "problem", he may start to feel enormous pressure to try and fix it and he may begin to feel powerless when/if he can't....

 

Give him a safe environment to adapt to everything as well, because you are both in it together, at this point. Realize that your lack of trust due to a previous relationship will not disappear overnight, so in the process, try to learn how to curtail your emotions when they stem from insecurities in a way that doesn't question his intentions and/or pushes his limits. When someone keeps pushing the limits, by questioning their partner's devotion, it is a defense mechanism - and if done enough, it will set the relationship up to fail. Next time you are feeling vulnerable, practice communicating it in a way that doesn't question his level of commitment. You don't need to meet his parents at this stage, in order to feel secure. Save it for later, and enjoy it when the time comes.

[mr.dream merchant]

"I'm ruining it."

 

Yup. You sure are. You're lucky he's still putting up with the bs. Smh @ suckers.

[JohnnyCage]

She is not ruining anything. What she asked was a valid question. As he is from India and 30 yrs old his parents will always be on the lookout for a girl at present and unless he tells them about her they won't stop it.

 

And it's not like they don't tell him about different girls. His affection towards her in front of his friends (if they were all Indians) could be many things. It could be either to show off that he is with a white girl (White girls are probably the most prettiest of all girls for Indian men) or it could be serious affection. But if he can show this same affection in front of his family then I can assure you that he really loves you.

 

And another thing about Indian men is that they have strong family values. They won't just get up and break up with their gf just because she is insecure or is asking too many questions.

[Nexus One]

I asked, "If your parents tried to set you up again like they did before, what would you tell them?" He said, "I would tell them the truth, that I have a girlfriend. What is this about?"

 

This is the point where you should have told him the truth about the real reason why you don't want to be hidden away from his family and friends. In cases like this guys NEED to hear your argumentation for it, otherwise they think you have other not so pleasant motives for acting the way you act. You mentioned he felt pressured, well there you have it.

 

I blurted that even though our immediate cohabitation is only temporary, it's still a big step for me and I don't want to feel like I'm being hidden away in the midst of it.

 

That's not good enough. It's not good enough, because it's not clear enough. You need to tell him your ex hid you away from his family and friends, because he was cheating on you and/or with you. Once your boyfriend understands the underlying argumentation for it he can become more understanding of you and your behavior.

 

Not giving a proper argumentation for saying the things you say or doing the things you do can lead to misunderstandings. Clear and direct language is what guys understand. In my opinion it's not too late though, but you should explain your reasoning for your behavior to him in the coming time.

Edited April 14, 2011 by Nexus One

[tigressA]

Heh, I didn't think this thread was going to pop back up.

 

Nexus, he knows about the things my ex did, but I didn't mention that as the reason behind the subject that sparked this thread. You're right, I should've been clearer about it. I've since moved in; it's been almost a week with us living together and things are going well. I felt a million times better once I was settled in here. I was tremendously stressed and anxious to get out of my old arrangement. I start my new job on Monday.

 

Funnily enough, my brother and my father both sent FB friend requests to my BF last week, and he accepted them. I had to tell my dad that I was moving and under what circumstances--I wasn't going to lie to him and tell him I found a place of my own. I admit it was tempting to lie because I didn't want to deal with a lecture from my father, but he hardly blinked an eye at the truth.

[zengirl]

I have officially become this huge ball of insecurity and seriousness and overall un-fun-ness. I hate it and I think BF does too.

 

The biggest issue is that you don't like how you feel. If that were me, I'd try to isolate:

(1.) My issues that are making me feel bad.

(2.) Anything my partner is doing that makes me feel bad.

 

I'd address #1 first and then when I felt secure in that, start working on #2 (unless there was a loud and clear #2 issue that needed addressing immediately, which I might do concurrently with #1).

 

Earlier I asked him if his family knows anything about me. He said his sister, brother and sister-in-law all know (because of Facebook, and in conversation), but his parents don't yet. I asked, "If your parents tried to set you up again like they did before, what would you tell them?" He said, "I would tell them the truth, that I have a girlfriend. What is this about?" I blurted that even though our immediate cohabitation is only temporary, it's still a big step for me and I don't want to feel like I'm being hidden away in the midst of it.

 

I think what you did wrong was assume the worst. It's perfectly okay to ask about your status, your public image, and express a desire to not be hidden away, but you put him on the defensive by assuming he was doing this, rather than giving him the ability/option to NOT be doing it at all. Perhaps this came from both your past insecurities and from letting it build up, rather than being 100% honest with your new BF about HOW you want to feel, be presented, engage in the relationship, etc. All those things we "hide" come back to kick our butts later. But it's not like you did something HUGE wrong.

 

He said, "I'm serious about you and I know you are about me, but I feel like you're always questioning my intentions and that you don't really trust me. I just want to enjoy our relationship and not be so serious all the time."

 

He actually used the word "pressured" to describe how he felt. Like I was putting pressure on him. I said I just wanted to know if any of his family knew, and what he told me was sufficient. He said, "Okay" and that we'd talk about it more this weekend.

 

The first part seems valid. The "not be so serious all the time" would be a red flag to me. Not that you need to be looking for anymore flags or that it would help you feel happier. . . I don't know that you should listen to me on this one, but if a guy said that to me, I'd definitely take several steps back and re-consider the relationship. Of course, a lot of that depends on context, existing dynamics, etc, which being strained in your case, might make my general choices moot.

 

It seems to me that guys who feel "pressured" don't do well in the relationship, whether that's the gal's fault or the guy's, well, I think it depends, but assuming this came up ONCE and his reaction was this strong, I'd be a bit wary. But that's just me.

 

I'm normally not like this. I still see my ex in a lot of this relationship...it's not pleasant. I want to trust my BF but with what my ex did to me, and the natural parallels that are there between the two of them, I'm frequently questioning things and coming across very unattractive. With my ex I was a dirty secret; he didn't even acknowledge me as his girlfriend to his closest friends who I met several times and he always shied away from even the slightest PDA. He didn't put our relationship on FB or say a single word to his family. Then, unsurprisingly, I found out he had been cheating.

 

Now it's like I'm going to the extreme, wanting our relationship public and seeing the slightest hesitation from BF as a hint that he's not being faithful to me or taking our relationship seriously. But he hasn't hesitated at all with anything. I met several of his friends last weekend; he introduced me as his girlfriend, he was very very affectionate with me in front of them. He said he would tell his parents about me if I really wanted him to, though they would immediately start in with the "When are you getting married?" spiel and never relent.

 

Yes, these are issues you need to deal with.

 

any man that is serious about you will do WHATEVER it takes to make you feel safe, secure and protected. Him using the words "pressuring me" puts up a huge red flag that he is going to use that as an excuse to leave as soon as he can.

 

Kind of agree with this, though not as strongly.

[JohnnyCage]

any man that is serious about you will do WHATEVER it takes to make you feel safe, secure and protected. Him using the words "pressuring me" puts up a huge red flag that he is going to use that as an excuse to leave as soon as he can.

My point exactly!!!!

[tigressA]

Zengirl, I know the context in which he said those things. He had apologized about the "pressured" comment, too. One thing we're still working on is comprehending each other--he is fluent in English but there's still a bit of a barrier as it's his 3rd language and my vocabulary is naturally much more extensive than his. He frequently will use certain words in situations that don't really apply because they're too strong or too light, but they're the only thing he can think of in the moment.

 

Anyway, about "not being so serious all the time"--I admittedly was constantly bringing up the topic of where our relationship is, etc, much more than I usually do. He's been very patient and understanding, knowing what happened with my ex. By the time he made that comment though, he clearly was just upset because I was constantly questioning his commitment to me. He saw his own actions and words up to that point and thought, "Why can't she just let go, trust that I'm serious about her, and just have fun with me instead of always worrying about things that don't exist?" He's done all that I've ASKED him to do to help me feel more secure--please note that I never asked or told him to tell his family about me; I just asked him if they knew about me already. He told me the truth, and he has offered to tell his parents (his siblings already know, as noted in my first post) if I really want him to. All I have to do is say the word. I just haven't yet. He's done all that I asked him to, and would willingly do more--he was just upset that despite all that, I was still worrying and questioning him. I don't blame him for feeling that way.

[Nexus One]

any man that is serious about you will do WHATEVER it takes to make you feel safe, secure and protected. Him using the words "pressuring me" puts up a huge red flag that he is going to use that as an excuse to leave as soon as he can.

 

But only IF he knows WHY you act the way you do and WHY you say certain things you say. If he doesn't know that then he can get the wrong idea about you and in that case a man will not do whatever it takes.

[threebyfate]

tigress, if his siblings know about the two of you living together, I'd trust to human nature and the inability for people to keep juicy gossip to themselves. His parents will find out through the grapevine!

 

For the interim, try to relax and enjoy your relationship. Your ex showed signs very early on in your relationship that there was something wrong. His entire attitude was "off". You might want to go back to your old threads and read the "off" signs, comparing only those negatives to your current. If they don't compare, then try to relax while remaining observant.

 

Can't say whether this relationship will last forever since no relationships are guaranteed, but why not enjoy it for what it is?

 

Anxiety is a form of vicious looping. I can't think of one example where it's productive. Sit down, close your eyes and allow inner peace to take over. Imagine and consciously feel the anxiety bleeding off.

 

If you're uncertain how to do the above, think of the way you steady yourself prior to performing on stage. Bet you have those butterfly nervous moments. So, how do you get rid of them?

[tigressA]

tigress, if his siblings know about the two of you living together, I'd trust to human nature and the inability for people to keep juicy gossip to themselves. His parents will find out through the grapevine!

 

For the interim, try to relax and enjoy your relationship. Your ex showed signs very early on in your relationship that there was something wrong. His entire attitude was "off". You might want to go back to your old threads and read the "off" signs, comparing only those negatives to your current. If they don't compare, then try to relax while remaining observant.

 

Can't say whether this relationship will last forever since no relationships are guaranteed, but why not enjoy it for what it is?

 

Anxiety is a form of vicious looping. I can't think of one example where it's productive. Sit down, close your eyes and allow inner peace to take over. Imagine and consciously feel the anxiety bleeding off.

 

If you're uncertain how to do the above, think of the way you steady yourself prior to performing on stage. Bet you have those butterfly nervous moments. So, how do you get rid of them?

 

You're right about that. I did go back through my old threads (and my memory) and what I found was that for anything that came up that was the same as/similar to my current relationship, my ex would just make excuses for why he wasn't going to do something (like acknowledge me as his girlfriend, etc) and make me feel like my thoughts/feelings were wrong, wrong, wrong. With BF, instead of making excuses and blaming me, he just tells me what's what, asks me what I would like him to do, and he does it.

 

I'm not worried anymore about this particular dilemma, or anything in our relationship. We had resolved this conflict already which is why I let the thread die; I didn't think it was going to pop back up. I appreciate the additional input.

[threebyfate]

You're right about that. I did go back through my old threads (and my memory) and what I found was that for anything that came up that was the same as/similar to my current relationship, my ex would just make excuses for why he wasn't going to do something (like acknowledge me as his girlfriend, etc) and make me feel like my thoughts/feelings were wrong, wrong, wrong. With BF, instead of making excuses and blaming me, he just tells me what's what, asks me what I would like him to do, and he does it.

 

I'm not worried anymore about this particular dilemma, or anything in our relationship. We had resolved this conflict already which is why I let the thread die; I didn't think it was going to pop back up. I appreciate the additional input.

The bolded is good news. As long as your needs are reasonable, express them. If they're not, have you also addressed how to bleed off anxiety?