marriedandcrying Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I am a MM trying to work things out with my wife. She had an affair with a man we hired to do renovations on our home. We have been together for 24 years and the ending was brutal. Not screaming and yelling but just plain cruel. She woke up on Dec 23 about 11pm and just told me to leave. She had used all my pay from that period to buy presents etc and then tossed me out like garbage. I asked her was there someone else and she said no. She gave me unrealistic reasons and that was that. I found out via her email account what was going on and then confronted her. She was involved with a MM and had become his little secret. I asked if she had been with him before she threw me out and she said no and that;s why she wanted me to leave so she wouldn't be cheating on me. After about 2 months she wanted to work things out with me. I went back but kept my apt running (in case). I really didn't want to but I needed her to say I want you home. She never did she would just ask me to stay at her place. During discussions I would ask her if she slept with him in our bed. She said NO but it turned out to be another lie. I found out she would have me stay with the kids while she was off saying she was at a friends and then be with him. About 15 things including keeping contact with him even after she told him we were back together came to light. To be fair to her it was not her that initiated contact. He sent an email after I was back with her simply asking how are you and she replied. Then he sent a second one she says she did not answer. I asked her to confront him and his wife about it all and she refuses. I said I will do it and her answer was if you do we are through. I tell her that this is a way of protecting him. She gets mad and says its just me trying to get revenge. I thing she is right but I also believe the wife needs to know who she is sleeping next to. I am having a lot of difficulty finding closure with all the deceit. It would like others feedback on what they think. Are we doomed? Is she just worried about my feelings? Can we get passed this? She says she has told me everything now and really is full of remorse. She also says she is afraid of what his wife could do if she found out. :confused: please help ASAP
bentnotbroken Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 First...tell his wife. She needs to be made aware so that she can protect herself. Then decide what it is you really want. Take your time. You don't have to make a decision right away.
What_Next Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 A common response "if you tell the wife/husband of the AP" we are through". Tell his wife, she deserves to know. Period. Your wife is in no position to demand ANYTHING from you. Honestly, I see no remorse from her in your post. If that is the case then full stop. Remorse, transparency, removal of privacy, ZERO contact with OM are all essential. That and more. If she is unwilling/unable to provide any one of these walk away. It's good that you have your own place (well sort of, personally I believe the BS NEVER leaves, the cheaters needs to), but that's done. So keep your place. Are you able to get passed this? That is up to you and your wife, no one here can answer that for you. Believe NOTHING she says unless you can prove it. Post more and others can give their opinion on your situation.
Bryanp Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Absolutely tell the OM's wife immediately. What message are you sending to him - that you afraid to say anything? Your wife has constantly been lying to you and playing you for a complete fool. Telling you if you told the OM's wife then she would divorce tells you the OM is more important than you. You need to be tested for STD's. She screws this guy in your home and in your bed. What is wrong with this picture? See a lawyer to understand your rights. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? She has humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible away and you are begging to be with her? What is wrong with this picture? It is clear she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.
jnj express Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I don't understand you---why would you just let your wife make you leave---especially when you have kids Are you the sole earner in the family, or does she also work??? You should definetly tell the OM's wife, and I would also try to find any/every one he is working for, and let both spouses know that he seduces the women into cheating on their H.---kill off his business, at least you will have some measure of satisfaction, in return for his wrecking your life It sounds from your post, that your wife rules the roost----that needs to change---you need to stand up to her---if she doesn't like--tuff---she has already let you know what she thinks of you Why did she all of a sudden come back to you--I am willing to be it wasn't for love---it probably was due to the fact she needs a support base, and that is you---just as long as you don't get in the way of her A's,yes I put an S in there, cuz this guy just may be the tip of the iceberg
hoping2heal Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I am a MM trying to work things out with my wife. She had an affair with a man we hired to do renovations on our home. We have been together for 24 years and the ending was brutal. Not screaming and yelling but just plain cruel. She woke up on Dec 23 about 11pm and just told me to leave. She had used all my pay from that period to buy presents etc and then tossed me out like garbage. I asked her was there someone else and she said no. She gave me unrealistic reasons and that was that. I found out via her email account what was going on and then confronted her. She was involved with a MM and had become his little secret. I asked if she had been with him before she threw me out and she said no and that;s why she wanted me to leave so she wouldn't be cheating on me. After about 2 months she wanted to work things out with me. I went back but kept my apt running (in case). I really didn't want to but I needed her to say I want you home. She never did she would just ask me to stay at her place. During discussions I would ask her if she slept with him in our bed. She said NO but it turned out to be another lie. I found out she would have me stay with the kids while she was off saying she was at a friends and then be with him. About 15 things including keeping contact with him even after she told him we were back together came to light. To be fair to her it was not her that initiated contact. He sent an email after I was back with her simply asking how are you and she replied. Then he sent a second one she says she did not answer. I asked her to confront him and his wife about it all and she refuses. I said I will do it and her answer was if you do we are through. I tell her that this is a way of protecting him. She gets mad and says its just me trying to get revenge. I thing she is right but I also believe the wife needs to know who she is sleeping next to. I am having a lot of difficulty finding closure with all the deceit. It would like others feedback on what they think. Are we doomed? Is she just worried about my feelings? Can we get passed this? She says she has told me everything now and really is full of remorse. She also says she is afraid of what his wife could do if she found out. :confused: please help ASAP I think one of the hardest things to do is open yourself up to trust someone who hurts you, and shows no remorse for it. You obviously have better insight than I as to what is going on, but I have only seen her try and serve her needs of the moment, I have yet to see anything indicates any true remorse for what she has done. I think that until or unless she ever shows any, the hurt, the resentment, the ill feelings will not go away. I could never start again (provided I would even want too) with someone who did not show in word and deed they had remorse for what they had done - not that they were caught- but literally what they had done. She is acting selfish and heartless imho
Binster Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I think the same as the others, tell the guys wife. She needs to work on geting your trust back at the moment there's no remorse. Keep the apartment on. Good luck.
Author marriedandcrying Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Ok thanks for all the comments. I am just so confused. I really love her and we have had really long talks about it all. She has proven that she is scared and remorceful. Scared of what the outcome would be if she told hios wife or I did. I know my wife and I know her deep compasion for others. I have explained to her that I still feel like its a protection from her about him. I even discussed that possibly she is afraid I would find out she was the agressor... it doesn't matter. I explained that she has no to worry about his wife's feelings or his kids now if she was willing to take him away before. I asked her to discuss this with her counsellor in her I/C since I believe she has misplaced guilt and shame. As for him yes there would be revenge in it for sure. Knowing her was to be accountable for his actions and the pain I felt from his part in it would be sweet justice, but the other side is he should be made accountable for his actions. I told my wife if someone robbed a bank and your money was in there would you care if it was because of their needs or would you protect your money and make sure they were found if you knew who did it. In this case I am the money. She has agreed to speak with her I/C and get their feedback. Please keep the comments coming as this is a major stumbling block in our recovery
Memphis Raines Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I am a MM trying to work things out with my wife. She had an affair with a man we hired to do renovations on our home. We have been together for 24 years and the ending was brutal. Not screaming and yelling but just plain cruel. She woke up on Dec 23 about 11pm and just told me to leave. oh F no she didn't! She is the cheater, she should have just left. the nerve of this sorry excuse for a woman. She had used all my pay from that period to buy presents etc and then tossed me out like garbage. I asked her was there someone else and she said no. She gave me unrealistic reasons and that was that. I found out via her email account what was going on and then confronted her. She was involved with a MM and had become his little secret. you need to find the most ruthless attorney you can and fast. Document what she has done, the money she has spent, and that she is demanding that you get out. if you leave, you can have the house signed over to her and she now owes YOU 1/2 the equity. During discussions I would ask her if she slept with him in our bed. She said NO but it turned out to be another lie. I found out she would have me stay with the kids while she was off saying she was at a friends and then be with him. document that! it just may be the only way for you to become the custodial parent. I asked her to confront him and his wife about it all and she refuses. then YOU do it. set up a lunch date with his wife. I am having a lot of difficulty finding closure with all the deceit. It would like others feedback on what they think. Are we doomed? any marriage is doomed with a woman like this. why the heck would you even want this sorry excuse of a woman anymore? Is she just worried about my feelings? worried about your feelings? cheating on you, kicking you out, then protecting the MM? no, she isn't considering your feelings one bit and could care less. She says she has told me everything now and really is full of remorse. She also says she is afraid of what his wife could do if she found out. ya well the latter is her real fear. she is trying to play you like a fiddle. telling you what you want to hear so she can save her MM. If she REALLY was remorseful and wanted to work on the marriage, she wouldn't care if you told the MM's wife. please help ASAP get yourself a good attorney, document everything, and tell her SHE needs to get out.
Bryanp Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Yes your wife has deep compassion for others but unfortunately none for you. Where was her compassion for you when she was screwing this hired worker in your home behind your back? Where was this compassion for you while she was screwing this hired worker in your bed behind your back while you were at work? (This is such a symbolic act of defecation toward your marital bed and your marriage). Where was her compassion for you when she took your pay stubs and bought him presents and then threw you out of your home like garbage which is your own words? You are in a total fog and denial. For God's sake grew a pair and tell the OM's wife yourself. You seem to be scared of your own shadow. Why do you feel that you deserve to be with someone who obviously took great glee in humiliating and disrespecting you and your relationship in the worst possible way?.......Oh, I forgot that she has this great compassion for others....Oh Please!!!!
fltc Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I really love her No, you do NOT love her, you love who you thought she was. She is not the woman you think you love, that woman exists only in your imagination. The woman you love would never cheat on you, would never lie to you, would never EVER treat you as this cold, heartless, cheating person has treated you.
hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Ok thanks for all the comments. I am just so confused. I really love her and we have had really long talks about it all. She has proven that she is scared and remorceful. Scared of what the outcome would be if she told hios wife or I did. I know my wife and I know her deep compasion for others. I have explained to her that I still feel like its a protection from her about him. I even discussed that possibly she is afraid I would find out she was the agressor... it doesn't matter. I explained that she has no to worry about his wife's feelings or his kids now if she was willing to take him away before. I asked her to discuss this with her counsellor in her I/C since I believe she has misplaced guilt and shame. As for him yes there would be revenge in it for sure. Knowing her was to be accountable for his actions and the pain I felt from his part in it would be sweet justice, but the other side is he should be made accountable for his actions. I told my wife if someone robbed a bank and your money was in there would you care if it was because of their needs or would you protect your money and make sure they were found if you knew who did it. In this case I am the money. She has agreed to speak with her I/C and get their feedback. Please keep the comments coming as this is a major stumbling block in our recovery What I am about to say may come off a little harsh, but I hope you understand it comes soley from a place of seeing someone about to walk in front of a bus, and using brunt force to move them out of the way. Okay, You mention that your wife has shown remorse for her actions. Would you mind giving us examples of that please, since so far nothing you have said illustrates that. Secondly, about that whole OM business. Your wife does not want his wife finding out because it would put finality on her affair with him. That is why she was so desperate and making ultimatems to you about the marriage being done if you expose it, because she does not want finality for her affair. She wants that bridge to remain open, not be burnt and she knows full well that should his wife find out, she is no longer going to be his golden girl. You are being used as a pawn. Your wife is back because she has a use for you, I am not sure what it is yet since we know so little about the family dynamic, but she was fighting for the OM the minute she threatened to end the M if exposed, not fighting for you. You are giving the impression that you would prefer to play pretend. Just hop on the Denial bus and sweep all of this under the rug and tell yourself that what is really happening, is not. Again, I can only go based on the information given. You claim she has proven she is remorseful, so I am waiting to hear what she has said but more importantly what she has DONE in action, to make you think this.
ver13 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 IMO no matter what happens in her IC you need to tell the OM W period and start focusing on yourself an where you need to get to with out her. Your W really isn't acting like someone that truly want's to get her S**T together unless it involves you bearing the lion share of the work. Look at it this way if you switched places would she be so willing to allow you to continue on with all of the crap that she has been doing? Wouldn't she want to tell the OW H? An if you said not too wouldn't she look at you like you were crazy and wonder why you didn't want her to. Don't let her fool you she is well aware of what she is asking you not to do and that is bring the whole nasty affair to light for all to see because it would effect th OM's family and might just end the dark little secret that they have going on between them. The way she has it right now she can still have both of you anytime that she want's.
RobD70 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I asked her to confront him and his wife about it all and she refuses. I said I will do it and her answer was if you do we are through. She's bluffing, she knows doing this could close the door to him forever. She wouldn't leave because then she would be alone and she's too scared to do that. I tell her that this is a way of protecting him. She gets mad and says its just me trying to get revenge. I thing she is right but I also believe the wife needs to know who she is sleeping next to. Get revenge? it's called "consequences" and it's not pretty. This is what she gets for screwing around. Nobody should be left off the hook for doing something like this. She has no idea what you are going through, she got to screw around and have fun and is now worried that she might in some kind of trouble for it? Really? I'm sorry MaC but right now you've been a bit of a doormat. You have to be strong and and do things to protect yourself. She is acting like a child and you have to treat her as such. Don't trust her and don't go soft on her. Put her feet to the fire and keep them there for a while.
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