biological imperative????

[half_ofa_heart]

I heard on my morning radio station, a caller stated that men that cheat do so because it’s a “biological imperative”. He went on to state that all men need sex; some more than others and if they are not getting it at home which most don’t because most wives are no longer interested in their husbands because they feel that all they have become is a piece of a$$. I’m not saying I agree with this guy (He sounded like an egotistical idiot) but what I have noticed is the common threads to what he was saying. Do Happy Men Never Leave???

 

Men do have needs – sexual needs. Women have emotional needs and most need those emotional needs met to initiate sex. Women don’t get their needs met and no longer initiate it… Men don’t get sex therefore don’t get their needs met… and this is where the problems begin. If they don’t start discussing these problems and actually start working towards FIXING these problems then the resentment will grow like cancer. Kind of like the chicken and the egg – if he was meeting her emotional needs, she would be more open to sex. If she was more open to sex, the he could meet her emotional needs.

 

So by now, nothing has changed, the resentment is now so great that the only options are… Divorce or Cheating??? Throw in all the other added road blocks like kids, finances, house, and work… all preventing you from doing the RIGHT thing which is divorce so the path of least resistance is of course cheating.

 

I am a SOW and have always been of the mindset that cheating is awful, horrible and should never be considered – and yet, here I am. I HATE what I am doing and am finally in counseling to try and find out how I let myself get here but am wondering if it really is that simple.

 

I was married once and I remember the resentment I felt towards my husband but cheating was never an option for me. But I’m a very strong, independent woman and knew that if we split up, I could handle everything on my own. So I wonder if the feeling that you will lose everything but still have needs – makes you do things you wouldn’t ever think of doing?!?!?!

 

Just wondering

[optomistic_nonsense]

Interesting. I think what that caller stated wasn't so much untrue, but vague. I posted a thread entitled "OW, MM, and a baby" under the Other Woman/Man category, and one of those posters provided an AMAZING explanation of what your original post had in it - yes, men do need sex, however, to sum up what was described in my thread, men that are settled/married, and have the house, the group of friends, family, children, etc. They're comfortable. They've got their routines down, their schedules made. Divorce to many is just too complicated and difficult to deal with, so yes, cheating is the easy way.

 

I'm involved with a married man...well, was, am...I don't even know to be honest with you (long story), but nevertheless, my MM has been with his wife for 8 yrs, has been married to her for 2, and they just had a child together, yet here he is....cheating on his wife.

 

I don't think I'll ever, EVER understand the true logic behind it all. Yes, getting a divorce and THEN acting on urges and other feelings is the RIGHT thing to do, but also the most expensive, drawn-out, painful way. Who has time and energy for *that*?

[Breezy Trousers]

Usually only egotistical dudes trumpet this philosophy. These same guys are often against their female partners enjoying the same freedoms. When that's the case, it's clearly just misogynistic justification blanketed under the "biological imperative" school of thought. And misogynistic men are usually emotionally immature men.

 

I know lots of powerful emotionally mature men who refuse to lie and cheat on their partners, and they have the same wiring as emotionally immature men.

 

Also --

 

MM routinely say they have "needs" (biological imperatives) that are not being met at home...OMG. It's so cliche that I can't believe MM still pull out this pity card on OW, but apparently it works like a charm. The weird thing is that lots OW (I almost was one!) blindly accept this assertion.

 

Why do we assume that a MM who routinely and comfortably lies to his wife and society about sleeping with other women would NOT be lying to OW about "not" having sex with that wife? ... Often they are!

 

And if wives are not having sex with their husbands, perhaps there's a good reason for that? IMO, women have strong sexual needs but must feel emotionally safe to have sex with a man... The wife always sees the reality of the MM far more clearly than the AP does, who only sees what the charming MM wants her to see for limited periods of time, usually at MM's convenience, and in an isolated, idealized bubble.

 

If the BS suspects MM is routinely having unsafe sex with other women, and perhaps is emotionally hateful toward BS in other ways, then it's only common sense to emotionally and then sexually shut down. But most MM would NEVER admit that to OW, nor is he likely to assume any responsibility for his wife's response to him.

 

Which brings us back to the emotional maturity issue.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't think it's that men need sex. I think it is genetically coded in males to create as many offspring as possible. Choosing monogamy seems to put us in a battle with genetics. Assuming all this to be true, it's still no excuse for an A.

[KineticsEng]

Great thread. And Its a tough one. Personally.. I tend to believe that both the man and the woman have an obligation to have sex with their partner (if wanted). I know how that sounds and I know there are many possible and good reasons why one partner or the other either cant.... or shouldn't have sex. Those reasons notwithstanding.... I think we should make a genuine effort to please our spouses. If that means responding to the nudge in the middle of the night.... or just pausing Law and Order for a few minutes for a quickie then so be it. If it keeps your partner happy in the marriage its a small price to pay. And unfortunately some people out there are just too selfish to reciprocate this behavior when given to them. And at least in my case... I began withdrawing from the relationship.... and had and A ect.. ect...