Is everyone online rebounding?

[daphne]

I have noticed a very common theme with my friends' stories of how they met their fiances and the men I'm meeting online. A lot of these guys are fresh out of a marriage or long term relationship, and allowing for little to no healing time in between.

 

Is this normal? Is this a deal breaker for any of you? Do guys really have that difficult of a time being alone?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You're forgetting all the men who don't even get dates on a dating site. They're not rebounding, they haven't even started yet.

[daphne]

They're probably not getting dates on teh site because a) they outnumber women and b) 50% of women don't ever really want to meet in person. lol

 

Has your experience been disappointing in that respect? I have male friends who complain about it.

 

PS I like made up percentages.

[Dazdnconfuzed]

I have noticed a very common theme with my friends' stories of how they met their fiances and the men I'm meeting online. A lot of these guys are fresh out of a marriage or long term relationship, and allowing for little to no healing time in between.

 

Is this normal? Is this a deal breaker for any of you? Do guys really have that difficult of a time being alone?

 

 

Can you please date "LearningtheMuse"? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[daphne]

Only if he sends me a Gold Pile style bottomless photo stat.

 

Kidding. Seriously, kidding.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Can you please date "LearningtheMuse"? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Yes, this would be greatly appreciated, lol!

[MarlyStar]

I noticed that too. Either they are rebounding or they've been doing OLD for like two years.

 

And have you noticed how many of them are self employed (I'm suspicious of self employed, to me it equals not really employed. If you really have your own business, why not say so: I own a pool store, I am an accountant, etc... Instead it's always, I'm self employed and I'll tell you about it later. Hmm...)

 

Anyway, I'm not so sure guys out number gals. If i go on match and put in an age (say 40) and search on men between 38 - 45 (because women typically want older men), I get 362 men. If I search on women for the same area between 35 - 42 (because a 40 year old man generally wants someone a bit younger), I get 741 women. A 40 year old man has almost twice as many picks as a 40 year old woman.

 

It works out the same for a 30 year olds too. A 30 year old man searching 25 -32 in my zip code gets 14 choices. A 30 year old woman searching for a man 28-35 gets 6 choices.

 

(I'm surprised how few choices there are for EITHER gender in my zip code for 30 year olds, frankly, is it the same in your area?)

 

And....

 

...men have a lot of trouble following through too. I swear half of them just want to email and fade, they can't pull themselves out of the chair. No telling which gender is worse at this.

[MarlyStar]

The guys I know in person find girlfriends really fast after break ups too and tend to stay with them forever or for a couple years.

 

They say rebound relationships always fall apart. But I don't see that as the case. I see a lot of them working out to marriage at least for men.

 

And I think they don't like to be alone if they can help it.

 

Frankly, neither do I...but I can't bring myself to be with unsuitable men. I think unsuitable women are less repulsive than unsuitable men and men can tolerate them better and overlook things more. I don't know, just musing.

 

There's this one profile that kept popping up in my search. The guy said "I'm just coming out of a 15 year marriage with someone who didn't treat me very nice. I 'm looking for someone who will treat me nice."

 

I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole myself. This to me screams of a man who needs babying and mollycoddling and will have all sorts of issues and will treat the woman badly because he was treated badly.

 

But maybe this sounds good to some women, and if she treats him well he's likely to stay with her...my guess.

 

What do I know. I'm single.

[MarlyStar]

It works out the same for a 30 year olds too. A 30 year old man searching 25 -32 in my zip code gets 14 choices. A 30 year old woman searching for a man 28-35 gets 6 choices.

 

(I'm surprised how few choices there are for EITHER gender in my zip code for 30 year olds, frankly, is it the same in your area?)

 

I figured out what I did wrong here. I took off all the answers about kids for men and women and came up with 1326 available men and 1192 available women.

 

So for 30 year olds there are roughly the same amount of men and women with the women getting a slight edge.

[daphne]

Hey there,

 

Actually, the numbers are skewed more in favor of women in my city. I did one search and for men in a certain zip and between 30-35 there are 788 women, 905 men. Not quite as bad as some men here make it out to be but still there are more men.

 

Personally, I don't want to be with just any guy not to be alone. I want a great one.

 

A new word I'll have to put into my vocabulary. Mollycoddling. Yes, I think that's what a codependent needs. I just don't have that much time for that unfortunately.

 

I haven't experienced any self employed guys. Mostly business or IT. A couple of chefs.

[andrew-bkk]

I have noticed a very common theme with my friends' stories of how they met their fiances and the men I'm meeting online. A lot of these guys are fresh out of a marriage or long term relationship, and allowing for little to no healing time in between.

 

I joined this forum late last year after my partner of ten and a half years started cheating. Following that, I became single and started online dating.

 

I'd actually never done it before, and was pretty much of the opinion that the URLs for these site were all variants of losers.com.

 

My experience with the first girl I met was odd. We chatted for about two months and I developed really strong "feelings" for her. Looking back, I realize now that I was just using her as a way of getting over my ex, and the "feelings" I had were empty and meaningless.

 

When I finally met her, there was no chemistry at all. This actually didn't bother me too much, but I know from her Facebook page that she was quite upset. I guess she had thought I was Mr Right.

 

What puzzles me though is how girls can be stupid enough to "chat" with a recently separated or divorced man. Surely it's obvious that men like that will be hopelessly unsuitable.

 

I still do online dating but I'm much more casual about it now. Girls who talk about "serious relationships" turn me off completely because I perceive them as lonely or desperate. The same applies to women who talk about "trust" or "heartbreak" or who claim to be looking for "that special person".

 

I think the key to online dating is just to relax, have a bit of fun and enjoy yourself. It seems to me that very many people take it way too seriously.

[daphne]

Good post Andrew, and definitely on point with reaffirming something I already strongly believed.

 

I have written off recent divorces, much less seperated. And also too soon out of long term relationships. I'm much better than someone's rebound and they should be so lucky.

 

I had been somewhat open minded and went out with 2 guys in these situations. I quickly wrote them off. They were hemorrhaging bitterness and sadness. Just like I had to write off a widower some time ago. He was a great guy, but 3 months is not even close to enough time to heal.

 

I went out this weekend with a guy who is supposedly 6 weeks out of a 7 year relationship. And I quote

 

"I can compartmentalize. I don't need to heal. I'm over it. I don't love her anymore."

 

and a better nugget

 

"Why should I be alone?"

 

and again

 

"Why should I be alone?"

 

Hmm. If you have to ask a few times, maybe you don't know why but you're suspecting you should try it.

 

At any rate, I'm going to have to stick to my guns and end dates like that quicker and realize that I have a plan that doesn't include needy guys looking for a quick fix or rebound. They don't have a lot to offer.

[carhill]

A lot of these guys are fresh out of a marriage or long term relationship, and allowing for little to no healing time in between.

Is this normal? Is this a deal breaker for any of you? Do guys really have that difficult of a time being alone?

 

I don't know many men my age who have been married who would live alone/be alone for any significant length of time. I'm an outlier since I lived alone for nearly 20 years before getting married and am an only child so am used to being alone and find it a comfortable and fulfilling lifestyle.

 

I've always seen dating and relationships as an addition to life rather than filling up an empty space, mitigated by my prior desire to have children.

 

As a single man for many years, I often felt that there were no really single women around in my demographic/location. More recently, watching my exW move on to living with someone before we were divorced and seeing a couple of her friends do the same thing, reinforces that perspective. So, overall, I would opine that some people feel more fulfilled/satisfied/comfortable with a companion and some are fine being alone. Different paths.

 

My only other significant datapoint, my father, from what he told me, lived alone and didn't date all that much between his first wife leaving him during the war and when he met my mom about six years later. I think, though he never admitted it, the pain of being abandoned while overseas and taking his children soured him on the whole relationship thing. It took a good woman to turn his head, and she did, for the rest of his life.

 

I think the instant gratification of online dating perhaps causes some people to jump back into dating before they're truly ready since it's so easy to post a few pix, write a profile and go shopping for a mate, a date, or sex. Path of least resistence.

 

I guess take a break or keep trying. Up to you

[daphne]

I've always seen dating and relationships as an addition to life rather than filling up an empty space,

 

I agree with this. I guess to each his own. When I was younger, I couldn't be alone for a month. I had a lot more options, but to be quite honest my selection criteria has improved dramatically since then. I was with some pretty incompatible guys back then.

 

I don't want to settle. I want something really good that's the icing on the cake. Not just someone who'll change my oil and give me sex on a regular basis. Not that the two options are mutually exclusive.

 

As far as the guy from this weekend, he said he's never been alone and he's not good at it. I imagine he'll find someone shortly. Maybe not what he's looking for, but good enough for now. That would depress me.

[carhill]

One risk I could envision with someone in need of constant companionship to fill up the 'space' is that, within a relationship/marriage, when life circumstances create distance/difficulty and the person feels 'alone', they seek out alternative companionship with very little time given for the circumstances to resolve, and perhaps inappropriately. I've seen a lot of this with MW's in particular, and some have told me directly that 'I can't be alone', much like you're hearing from your most recent date. It's really good information about compatibility

[andrew-bkk]

I'm much better than someone's rebound and they should be so lucky.

 

Bravo!

 

I went out this weekend with a guy who is supposedly 6 weeks out of a 7 year relationship. And I quote

 

"I can compartmentalize. I don't need to heal. I'm over it. I don't love her anymore."

 

That's very good!

 

Let me tell you something. I asked my son's mother to move away from this house in August last year. I joined this forum in October and used to read the "Second Chances" section. Next, I used to read the "Separation and Divorce" section; and after that I read the "Coping" section. It's only very recently that I've started to read the dating stuff.

 

I read somewhere that it takes about a month for every year you were together to properly get over a relationship. So if your new "amour" is 6 weeks out of his 7 year marriage then perhaps you could politely ask him to come back in about 5 and half months. I'm sure you'll make a great couple!

[daphne]

I've seen a lot of this with MW's in particular, and some have told me directly that 'I can't be alone', much like you're hearing from your most recent date. It's really good information about compatibility

 

It sure is. Although he said that he wasn't a cheater, you can't help but ask yourself if someone can't be alone and theyr'e traveling a lot, how do they deal with not having someone around?

 

I'm definitely not a cheater and I can be alone for ridiculously lengthy periods. I just don't want to be anymore.

[daphne]

Bravo!

 

 

 

That's very good!

 

Let me tell you something. I asked my son's mother to move away from this house in August last year. I joined this forum in October and used to read the "Second Chances" section. Next, I used to read the "Separation and Divorce" section; and after that I read the "Coping" section. It's only very recently that I've started to read the dating stuff.

 

I read somewhere that it takes about a month for every year you were together to properly get over a relationship. So if your new "amour" is 6 weeks out of his 7 year marriage then perhaps you could politely ask him to come back in about 5 and half months. I'm sure you'll make a great couple!

 

He must be super human. But the fact that he felt it necessary to overshare within an hour of meeting me, belies his pain over his situation. I don't think he's even really processed it.

 

I seriously doubt he'll wait that long to form a relationship with someone else. It's interesting that he appears to be a great decision maker, except perhaps in this area. And it's one of the more important ones.

[Imajerk17]

Well daphne, what astounds me about online dating is how horribly people treat each other. I'm not sure whether it is mostly gender-specific, because I've seen it both sides.

 

An example from a while back, when I was FAR more naive: I met a girl online and we went on a date that seemed to go quite well. I called her two days after and we set up another date. The second date never happened.

 

She had to change plans twice due to "her friend being in town" and then "a family emergency". Both times she seemed quite sincere and apologetic about rescheduling, and as I am in some sense pretty easygoing, it didn't bother me at the time. The third time should have given me pause though. She was leaving town the next day for a two-week conference and was feeling "overwhelmed". She apologized again and said that I could call her in a couple weeks if I was still interested. (Yeah I know.)

 

Well, {face to palm} I did call her in two weeks. No pickup, no call back. Finally sent a text. She got back to me, where she says in her text: "I apologize for any inconvenience, but I'm not sure I'm interested". Now she's telling me this? I'm not proud of what I did next, but I'm not that sorry either. Here goes. I called her, got her vm, and let her know how pissed I was. I then sent her TWO texts.

 

What got me was the disrespect. The decent thing for her to have done would have been to just have been straight with me from the beginning. I mean, I met her, took her out, and was nothing but nice to her. I feel I deserved to be treated with respect back. I mean, really: if the guy was nice to you, don't schedule (and reschedule) a date you seemingly have no intentions of going on, and then duck the guy's calls. I was operating under the assumption that this is a decent, considerate, person, and I got burned. What's really sad about this though, is that this woman's behavior is considered typical, and I would be the one considered the bad guy here.

 

Anyway, I went slightly off-topic. I'm not sure how many guys are "on the rebound", but I do think that there are a lot of jaded people online, of both genders. Close enough?

Edited April 8, 2011 by Imajerk17

[daphne]

Close enough. Include me in the jaded group. I have enjoyed meeting a lot of the people I did, because there were some likeable characters throughout this experience. But honestly, I wish that guy #3 hadn't been such an immature schmuck and we had at least tried out a relationship. Sometimes I secretly want to drunk dial him and chew him out for screwing it up. No one has come close to being as good as he was.

 

As for how some women behave online. I empathize. I understand that women don't want to hurt a man's feelings, but stringing him along isn't the way to avoid rejecting him. I think it just makes it worse. I will actually tell the guy that I think he's great, if I do, and let him know that I don't think there was a spark or that we're compatible. And then I wish him luck. He may dislike me for being honest, but at least I'm not a flake.

[irc333]

Self-Employment is becoming big these days, considering the state of the economy. just sayin'

 

 

 

I noticed that too. Either they are rebounding or they've been doing OLD for like two years.

 

And have you noticed how many of them are self employed (I'm suspicious of self employed, to me it equals not really employed. If you really have your own business, why not say so: I own a pool store, I am an accountant, etc... Instead it's always, I'm self employed and I'll tell you about it later. Hmm...)

 

Anyway, I'm not so sure guys out number gals. If i go on match and put in an age (say 40) and search on men between 38 - 45 (because women typically want older men), I get 362 men. If I search on women for the same area between 35 - 42 (because a 40 year old man generally wants someone a bit younger), I get 741 women. A 40 year old man has almost twice as many picks as a 40 year old woman.

 

It works out the same for a 30 year olds too. A 30 year old man searching 25 -32 in my zip code gets 14 choices. A 30 year old woman searching for a man 28-35 gets 6 choices.

 

(I'm surprised how few choices there are for EITHER gender in my zip code for 30 year olds, frankly, is it the same in your area?)

 

And....

 

...men have a lot of trouble following through too. I swear half of them just want to email and fade, they can't pull themselves out of the chair. No telling which gender is worse at this.

[irc333]

She was leaving town the next day for a two-week conference and was feeling "overwhelmed".

 

This falls into the "I have a lot of things going on in my life right now"

 

I sometimes wish they'd just hand me some hip waders so I can wade through their B.S. . LOL