TuffCookieX Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Hello, My friend joined this forum after a bad breakup and loved the moral support she got so she recommended I join as well. I have a lot of dating issues that I can't seem to get past and I was wondering, maybe some outside insight would help! Some background/dating info on me: I'm 22 years old, 2010 college graduate with a bachelor's in Equine Studies. I have a full-time job training horses and I have a lot going for me. I love my friends and job, however, my whole entire life I have had one thing lacking - and that is of course, a love life. I have NEVER had a problem getting a man. Example: I'm registered to a few dating websites and I get about 50 emails a day. My problem is getting a man to stick around. My longest official relationship was in high school and it lasted 30 days. I had another boyfriend in college that lasted 3 weeks. My longest monogamous relationship was 3 months and when that ended, I had never felt so heartbroken in my life. He was the only guy I had ever really cried over - but I was stupid and blind to what was going on - he had never actually broken up with his "ex". Recently I've hit the dating scene pretty hard. Since last August I have been from guy to guy, thinking each time it would actually go somewhere and I could settle down but it never has. And they never last longer than a month! The last guy ended it because of my online sarcasm. He didn’t understand my sense of humor and when I tried to explain myself, he wrote me off, blocked me from facebook, ignored my phone calls, etc etc. I had merely said “bye, see you never” as a joke because he never seemed to want to hang out and I was getting irritated by his lack of motivation (he never wanted to go anywhere because he was broke, never wanted to drive… so it was always me going to his place to lie in bed and watch a movie). This most recent “break-up” (in quotes because we were never official) really made me think. What the hell am I doing wrong? These short-term flings have been going on for years and I want that to change. Here are things I do right: -Don’t put out on the first few dates -I never initiate conversation (he has to be the one to text/call first) -I don’t bring up money, religion, job, ex girlfriends -Never say the L word Anyway. I hope this is enough information for people to be able to give me therapeutic advice so that the next man that I find will stick around past the 30 day mark! Thanks! Lauren
Freshprince Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Hi Lauren! It's really hard to say what you're doing wrong with the information you've provided. I think every relationship we get into is different, so there could be a bunch of different circumstances that led to the separation. It could be that you're doing something, or it could be that you've just been picking guys who aren't mature enough (and have just been unlucky when you have found a decent guy who happens to still be with his ex). I am guessing that your last break-up was not because of that online conversation alone, but because of what happened leading up to that conversation. You may have pushed him to the edge and he got tired of it. Granted, I think that guy would deserve that kind of nagging if he never took you out. It's hard to guess what happened with the rest of the relationships you've mentioned. I would suggest taking some time off from dating (at least a month or two) and take some time to reflect and grow as a person. If you don't take time to heal and take a step-back from everything, you'll keep getting the same results. "Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result every time."
Author TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I am guessing that your last break-up was not because of that online conversation alone, but because of what happened leading up to that conversation. You may have pushed him to the edge and he got tired of it. Granted, I think that guy would deserve that kind of nagging if he never took you out. This is true, we had a lot of previous fights that were quite ridiculous, and he treated me like ****. I figured out after only a short amount of time that he was no good for me, yet I kept going for the sake of having someone to be with. =(
Paradise384 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Hey you, glad you registered! Eventhough I am talking to you on facebook I am going to reply cuz I agree with fresh prince. Hes right about what you agreed with and also about how doing the same thing will always get you the same result. AND I do think you need to take a little off time from dating to get your head together! Read all those books I told you about and work on your own self esteem and what exactly you want in a relationship. make a list of deal breakers and behavior you wont put up with. Find out how to "train" your guy to respect you and not want to upset you with these behaviors. I have a major problem creating boundaries and standing my ground. I think you are subconsciously lowering your status in these guys' minds by some behavior and its really subtle. I do it too but its easier to point out in someone else lol.
Author TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Hey lovey! I am definitely taking a break from the dating scene, however I don't usually make the same mistake twice! I didn't do the same thing with each guy, every one has been a learning experience and every time I take more of Mimi and Paige's advice to heart (for those reading, Mimi and Paige are love/life gurus). I may be insane, but not by freshprince's definition. And you're right, I should have kicked the last one out the door the first time around that he messed up. I keep lowering my standards, I need to remember that respect for myself comes first!
Author TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I'm bumping this thread for hopefully more advice, but also to say I think I figured out some of the problem. After reading quite a few threads, I think I'm seeing these men too often too soon. Hanging out 3 times a week after the first date may be the reason it never lasts. Any thoughts on this? How frequently should you see someone when it's still fresh?
Freshprince Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Well, if you're learning from every experience, and you think every situation has been different, then I would say that you're just going through the normal life of dating. Dating is a "trial and error" type of activity. Just continue to work on yourself as a young woman, and eventually you'll meet someone. "In order to meet the right person, you've got to be the right person first."
Freshprince Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I'm bumping this thread for hopefully more advice, but also to say I think I figured out some of the problem. After reading quite a few threads, I think I'm seeing these men too often too soon. Hanging out 3 times a week after the first date may be the reason it never lasts. Any thoughts on this? How frequently should you see someone when it's still fresh? I don't know if that's it. Increasing frequency of contact is a common way to intensify relationships after a first date. It may be that as they get to know you or eventually realize that they're going to be in a committed relationship, that they decide to back-out because they prefer their bachelorhood, or they may decide that you two aren't a great match after all. It's hard to know without details. If I really liked a girl I wouldn't mind seeing her three times a week, personally. But of course, I might have different space needs than other guys...
Author TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I don't know if that's it. Increasing frequency of contact is a common way to intensify relationships after a first date. It may be that as they get to know you or eventually realize that they're going to be in a committed relationship, that they decide to back-out because they prefer their bachelorhood, or they may decide that you two aren't a great match after all. It's hard to know without details. If I really liked a girl I wouldn't mind seeing her three times a week, personally. But of course, I might have different space needs than other guys... Thank you Freshprince, you've been a big help this whole time =)
allenmj Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 -I never initiate conversation (he has to be the one to text/call first) Howdy. I'm a guy. This one here, a deal breaker for me. To me, this is a silly little game. Stop it. If you want to get to know someone, text or call him.
Freshprince Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) Thank you Freshprince, you've been a big help this whole time =) You're welcome, Lauren! =) I want to see your dating profile sometime. Fifty messages a day is a lot! Edited April 8, 2011 by Freshprince typo
Author TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Allen, if a guy wants to know me, he will pursue me. Freshprince, I will gladly show you my profile... is there a way to privately message someone on here?
Freshprince Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Allen, if a guy wants to know me, he will pursue me. Freshprince, I will gladly show you my profile... is there a way to privately message someone on here? You have to get a subscription to PM people, which I don't have. You can either post it here, or if you can e-mail it to me: [email protected]
Author TuffCookieX Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 You have to get a subscription to PM people, which I don't have. You can either post it here, or if you can e-mail it to me: [email protected] I e-mailed it! =)
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