I am baffled by men and long distance.

[lovestruck.]

I'm new to long-distance-ness, but i have found myself in a LDR of 4 and a half months, not that long, but long enough! we see each other every 2-5 weeks, depending on days off work, and chat everyday via text/calls/facebook/skype. We do have some lovely times together, and he does make me smile, between the irritating things..

 

I am already having issues with him, and i'm wondering if my issues are just an uncaring man thing? or just the long-distance getting to me?

 

a) At the moment, he doesn't make the effort to visit me when we both have grouped days off work, generally because petrol is too expensive, so i suggest trains *remarkably, they are cheaper!* but he 'has had bad experiences on trains' ...?! So, i just don't get to see him, unless i *yet again* go to see him..brilliant.

 

b) Yesterday he ignored my texts all day, then when i phoned after work he cut the conversation short, saying he wanted to watch The Simpsons and he 'might' speak to me later. *?!*

 

c) He'll phone his friends and be on Facebook/wanting to play games when he is with me.

 

d) He'll happily and regularly drive 2 hours in one day to visit his girlie mates at uni, but wont drive an extra half hour in a day to visit me.

 

e) Half the time he doesn't listen to what i'm saying even if it is big *exciting* news.

 

f) He never really notices changes in my appearance neither does he compliment me on anything, *i compliment him all the time* when we do meet, he's just eager to get my new expensive dress off me, and mess up my new hair do!

 

g) girls need to be treated to nice things, right? ....he doesn't do that..he bought me a bath towel for valentines day..*a bath towel?! it's pretty, and it comes in very handy..but really?!*

 

 

Having thought about my relationship, i came down to the conclusion it's just a bit of long distance stress getting in the way of us enjoying each others company..and that he really is a lovely person... until the new guy at work turns up on the scene.

 

He is also in a relationship (of nearly 3 years) but he is no longer happy with his girlfriend, and wants to end it with her. I have to admit, I am attracted to him, and he makes me laugh endlessly. He notices the small changes in my appearance, tells me when my hair is falling out of my plait, and tells me he likes my earrings that day, or the colour of my nail polish, we take the mick out of each other about jokey-insulting things, pull silly faces to each other across the shop, he’s interested in what I have to say, and he compliments the things I do around work on a regular basis. …now..my boyfriend does none of these things, and when I mentioned the ‘rather watch simpsons than chat to you’ situation to the new guy, he said ‘I could never do that to you’.

 

Is it just me noticing these nice things because i'm aware of issues with my boyfriend?

 

 

Is my boyfriend generally being rubbish?

Is it just the long-distance getting to us?

Whats the deal with the new guy at work?

 

I.AM.BAFFLED

[folieadeux]

I don't think it's a gender thing at all; there's plenty of women out there too that neglect their LDR as well. Alot of these things I can pass off, but the one that sticks out to me is the fact that he won't travel the extra half hour to see you when visiting friends. To me, there's no excuse for that. Maybe I'm just biased, but I would give ANYTHING to be able to drive to my SO, let alone have it take a mere half hour.

 

If you're already noticing other guys, I think you have your answer right there. Regardless of the distance, someone who's really committed to someone for the long run wouldn't be doing this. I'm not blaming you though, just saying that's how it is. It doesn't seem like he's as invested with this as you are and you deserve to find someone who will give 100% into a relationship with you. Just don't go falling for new work guy; he's already with someone else (regardless of how unhappy he says he is).

[TokyoG33kyGal]

He is also in a relationship (of nearly 3 years) but he is no longer happy with his girlfriend, and wants to end it with her.

 

so he is still in a relationship, visiting girls in the uni and also dating you? he seems to have a lot of time in his hands.

 

personally i won't date a guy who's already involved with someone. that makes it hard to demand time since you share his time with his other partner plus if he can cheat on her and ignore you, doesn't that tell you something?

[lovestruck.]

Maybe I'm just biased, but I would give ANYTHING to be able to drive to my SO, let alone have it take a mere half hour.

 

It doesn't seem like he's as invested with this as you are and you deserve to find someone who will give 100% into a relationship with you. Just don't go falling for new work guy; he's already with someone else (regardless of how unhappy he says he is).

 

To Folieadeux,

 

*top bit* we are 2 and a half hours apart, but when he's driving 2 hours in the day already, it seems a bit rubbish that he's not prepared to drive 2 and a half hours another day to come and see me. And sometimes when he does visit me, i feel that it is just for the sexual part of the relationship, rather than the joys of going out places, and exploring the world together. But i am just a dreamer..

 

*bottom bit* I feel bad saying how rubbish he can be, but i also currently find it quite hard to say nice things..and i agree that i need someone who'll give me 100%, and i'm starting to realise that just isnt going to be him..huff.

 

Also, i would never actively try to be with the guy at work because he IS in a long term relationship, i think we just enjoy each others company

[lovestruck.]

so he is still in a relationship, visiting girls in the uni and also dating you? he seems to have a lot of time in his hands.

 

personally i won't date a guy who's already involved with someone. that makes it hard to demand time since you share his time with his other partner plus if he can cheat on her and ignore you, doesn't that tell you something?

 

 

To TokyoG33kyGal,

 

he isnt involved with any other girl, the girls at uni are his longterm friends from home, most of this friends have gone to uni, so he finds home very boring now, and goes to visit them all. *rather than me* I was worried about him spending time with them to start with, but he told me that he'd honestly never even kissed one his female friends, because he has never felt attracted to them in that way. He is a very trust worthy individual, he's been brought up well, and *amazingly for a man*, he actually has morals,

[Goandamyncmem]

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[d'Arthez]

a) At the moment, he doesn't make the effort to visit me when we both have grouped days off work, generally because petrol is too expensive, so i suggest trains *remarkably, they are cheaper!* but he 'has had bad experiences on trains' ...?! So, i just don't get to see him, unless i *yet again* go to see him..brilliant.

Can happen. But, it takes two to make a relationship work, and that means both people need to make a bit of an effort. Right now, it seems you are the only one making an effort.

 

b) Yesterday he ignored my texts all day, then when i phoned after work he cut the conversation short, saying he wanted to watch The Simpsons and he 'might' speak to me later. *?!*

Cartoon - vs. real life person. Sure seems he has his priorities straight

 

c) He'll phone his friends and be on Facebook/wanting to play games when he is with me.

The occasional phone call is perfectly understandable. But since he is not spending that much time with you, the least you'd like is some undivided attention, and not being an afterthought.

 

[qupte]d) He'll happily and regularly drive 2 hours in one day to visit his girlie mates at uni, but wont drive an extra half hour in a day to visit me.

There might be reasons, but why visit friends, but not his girlfriend? Me thinks there is something rotten in Denmark.

 

e) Half the time he doesn't listen to what i'm saying even if it is big *exciting* news.

You don't have his undivided attention.

 

f) He never really notices changes in my appearance neither does he compliment me on anything, *i compliment him all the time* when we do meet, he's just eager to get my new expensive dress off me, and mess up my new hair do!

Not all men are good with compliments, no one is perfect. He may have a more casual approach to compliments (he might be secure with himself, and not demand a compliment from you either. If he does demand compliments, then he has serious issues).

 

g) girls need to be treated to nice things, right? ....he doesn't do that..he bought me a bath towel for valentines day..*a bath towel?! it's pretty, and it comes in very handy..but really?!*

Not the best idea.

 

Stress might be getting to him, BUT that certainly would not result in his generally completely appalling behavior, especially the phone calls and playing games when he is with you, or not prioritize you at all. You seem to be in a completely one-sided relationship, which is simply not working for you.

 

The new guy on the scene simply reminds you of that. Then again, he does not have the courage to end things with his current girlfriend, so it is not unlikely that he may be looking for someone on the side. So, I'd steer clear from him as well, even if he makes you feel good about yourself.

[EricaH329]

I checked this thread out because of the sole purpose of it. The long distance relationship issues. It hurt me to read that he would travel to see other girls... until I read this...

 

He is also in a relationship (of nearly 3 years)

 

And you are complaining about your boyfriend seeing other females? When you are 'seeing' or 'hanging out' with a guy who also has a girlfriend?!

 

Imagine if that guy was your boyfriend, and you are the other female. Put yourself in the other persons shoes for one minute.

 

I am sorry to say it, but you are no better off than he is!! Two wrongs most certainly do not make a right. You are disrespecting his relationship just as those other females are disrespecting yours.

 

I felt for you throughout the entire post, until you mentioned that. Now I just personally feel as though you are no better off. But then again, that's just my own personal opinion, and what do I know.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hello! he's already in a r/ship! What does this say about him, and does it not bother you how she would feel if she knew he was cheating on her, how would you feel if it were you being deceived??

[Kamille]

You're not his primary relationship. His gf is. He may say he's breaking up with her, but it sounds like a bunch of bs to keep you reeled in. If he wanted to break up with her, he would. Any excuse he makes as to why he isn't breaking up with her is just that: an excuse.

 

This man is not treating you like a priority. You're an option. As the saying goes:

 

Do not make someone a priority who only treats you like an option.

 

This guy is not your bf and he sure as hell isn't acting like one.

[LittleTiger]

I think some of you have read the OP wrong. Her bf isn't seeing anyone else, it's the guy she's become interested in at work who has a girlfriend - and I don't think she's planning to pursue that either.

 

OP, I don't think these issues are LDR related, I just don't think he's that interested in you.........and if you've started looking at other guys closer to home, perhaps it's time to call it quits.

[Kamille]

I think some of you have read the OP wrong. Her bf isn't seeing anyone else, it's the guy she's become interested in at work who has a girlfriend - and I don't think she's planning to pursue that either.

 

OP, I don't think these issues are LDR related, I just don't think he's that interested in you.........and if you've started looking at other guys closer to home, perhaps it's time to call it quits.

 

Got it! Makes more sense now. Thanks for helping to clarify the situation.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, you're right, apologies to the OP

 

OP I agree with LT that your bf isn't interested in you, and the way the new man at work treats you highlights what is missing in your r/ship, I would end it with your bf. The new man at work is no better if he is saying these things to you and already has a gf, but at least it has made you realise what is missing with your bf.

 

 

 

I think some of you have read the OP wrong. Her bf isn't seeing anyone else, it's the guy she's become interested in at work who has a girlfriend - and I don't think she's planning to pursue that either.

 

OP, I don't think these issues are LDR related, I just don't think he's that interested in you.........and if you've started looking at other guys closer to home, perhaps it's time to call it quits.

[eerie_reverie]

... until the new guy at work turns up on the scene.

 

He is also in a relationship (of nearly 3 years) but he is no longer happy with his girlfriend, and wants to end it with her.

 

Just clarifying for the OP that her bf is NOT in another relationship! Learn to read people!

[LittleTiger]

Just clarifying for the OP that her bf is NOT in another relationship! Learn to read people!

 

I think I already clarified that - if you read my post! (Post#11)

 

The way the OP was written it was a little confusing and, I think, understandable that some people misunderstood. Your post seems unnecessarily abrupt to me.

[lovestruck.]

Sorry about the confusion there! and thank you LittleTiger for clearing that up for me

 

I think you have all cleared things up for me, and I think i'm just going to take a bit of 'Me' time to figure out exactly what I want.

 

Partially, i just don't think i'm cut out for LDRs, I like to know that i can see my SO whenever i want to rather than whenever we are both free/have the funds to travel and visit each other. Also, i think half the problem is that we both have good lives without each other, and to not be a big part of their social lives, and not really know their friends and who they are with for the majority of their spare time is difficult for me. And although it's nice to come home and be able to skype to each other or chat on the phone for hours, i'd definitely prefer to be WITH each other and get the affectionate hugs and kisses humans need on regular basis.

 

I have also realised from you all, that I am attracted to the new work guy because we have fun *just at work, not socially* and he makes me laugh, and feel happy and relaxed, and i need to find someone for myself who makes me feel that way

 

Thanks again! i shall go think away now... eep..i hate deciding on/considering serious matters. rubbish.

[LittleTiger]

I have also realised from you all, that I am attracted to the new work guy because we have fun *just at work, not socially* and he makes me laugh, and feel happy and relaxed, and i need to find someone for myself who makes me feel that way

 

Thanks again! i shall go think away now... eep..i hate deciding on/considering serious matters. rubbish.

 

Good luck. Glad we were able to help.

[interfuse]

If he'll drive for 2 hours to see other girls over seeing you, it is time to drop him. That is a big red flag.

[interfuse]

Sorry about the confusion there! and thank you LittleTiger for clearing that up for me

 

I think you have all cleared things up for me, and I think i'm just going to take a bit of 'Me' time to figure out exactly what I want.

 

Partially, i just don't think i'm cut out for LDRs, I like to know that i can see my SO whenever i want to rather than whenever we are both free/have the funds to travel and visit each other. Also, i think half the problem is that we both have good lives without each other, and to not be a big part of their social lives, and not really know their friends and who they are with for the majority of their spare time is difficult for me. And although it's nice to come home and be able to skype to each other or chat on the phone for hours, i'd definitely prefer to be WITH each other and get the affectionate hugs and kisses humans need on regular basis.

 

I have also realised from you all, that I am attracted to the new work guy because we have fun *just at work, not socially* and he makes me laugh, and feel happy and relaxed, and i need to find someone for myself who makes me feel that way

 

Thanks again! i shall go think away now... eep..i hate deciding on/considering serious matters. rubbish.

 

Good, good!

[creighton0123]

a) At the moment, he doesn't make the effort to visit me when we both have grouped days off work, generally because petrol is too expensive, so i suggest trains *remarkably, they are cheaper!* but he 'has had bad experiences on trains' ...?! So, i just don't get to see him, unless i *yet again* go to see him..brilliant.

 

Sounds like laziness to me.

 

b) Yesterday he ignored my texts all day, then when i phoned after work he cut the conversation short, saying he wanted to watch The Simpsons and he 'might' speak to me later. *?!*

 

Text messaging is evil incarnate for long distance relationships. Put down the cell phone :-P

 

c) He'll phone his friends and be on Facebook/wanting to play games when he is with me.

 

My policy is that a relationship should be two people doing their own thing while together. For our reference, what would you rather he do?

 

d) He'll happily and regularly drive 2 hours in one day to visit his girlie mates at uni, but wont drive an extra half hour in a day to visit me.

 

How often does he do this?

 

e) Half the time he doesn't listen to what i'm saying even if it is big *exciting* news.

 

Did he behave differently in person? This is either rude on his part or overreching on your part. How often do you have big, exciting news?

 

f) He never really notices changes in my appearance neither does he compliment me on anything, *i compliment him all the time* when we do meet, he's just eager to get my new expensive dress off me, and mess up my new hair do!

 

Hehe. Your complaining about sex?

 

g) girls need to be treated to nice things, right? ....he doesn't do that..he bought me a bath towel for valentines day..*a bath towel?! it's pretty, and it comes in very handy..but really?!*

 

Wrong. Unfair social expectation :-P

 

Your talking to another guy and thinking about another guy in a romantic way instead of your boyfriend. What does that tell you?

 

Look... everyone has their own unique personality with their perks and their shortcomings. It is my opinion that when a relationship is right, and I mean really really right, the shortcomings are part of what you love about the person.

 

That doesn't seem to be the case here and since you're thinking romantically about another individual, perhaps that's a sign that things with your current SO are not fitting right.