fortyninethousand322 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 A little while ago (over a year) a former coworker and I had become quite close over facebook to the point that she basically all but begged me to ask her out. I didn't...because she was too young (five years younger and still in high school). To be clear, at no time did I ever have any intent to date her at all, but had she been a little older (say 20) I probably would have asked her out. She is no longer interested in me (at least to the best of my knowledge) so the situation is over. My question though is not about age difference or (what I feel are) inappropriate relationships between minors and adults, but rather what many of my friends and family members said regarding it. Almost all of my inexperienced male friends and all of my female friends told me that I made the right decision in not pursuing her (it was inappropriate, too big of an age difference etc.). My male friends who actively date and have had prior relationships all told me to ask her out and one even told me that most guys would have asked her out. Even my family (mom, brother and sister) encouraged me to pursue her. I don't need any reassurance about whether or not I made the right decision, because for me it was the right decision. My concern is that so many people didn't think that a relationship between a 22 year old and a 17 year old was inappropriate. I can't be alone in thinking it was can I?
fishtaco Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 You made the right decision. That's unlawful contact with a minor. If her parents get mad and decide to throw the book at you, you could end up on the sexual offender's list for the rest of your life. It doesn't even have anything to do if you two truly love each other, and even if you didn't have sex with each other. It's about who's got a bigger lawyer budget. But if she's 18, on the day of her birthday, hit on her. If I were 22 -- I'd do something like... I like you but I can't date you because of your age. How about we stay friends until you turn 18, and I'll ask you to be my girlfriend on your 18th birthday. But don't bank on it. Many women change their minds all the time, especially someone that young. 22 & 18, no one is going to say anything. Sounds pretty normal to me.
gaius Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Your inexperienced friends want to keep you in their virgin clubhouse and the female ones either want your attention for themselves or don't want to deal with the social stigma of being friends with someone who's “taking advantage” of a young girl. They are looking out for their own interests. That being said, I think it would have been totally appropriate for you to date her. She was obviously interested, you weren't using your age as some kind of weapon to manipulate. The age of consent is 16/17 in most places so unless its 18 where you are there shouldn't have been any legal trouble. I know when I was 17 there was a 25 year old I would have loved to date, and it would have been heaven if she went out with me. I wouldn't have been a victim. What's your issue with it, just feel like you would be taking advantage?
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 You made the right decision. That's unlawful contact with a minor. If her parents get mad and decide to throw the book at you, you could end up on the sexual offender's list for the rest of your life. It doesn't even have anything to do if you two truly love each other, and even if you didn't have sex with each other. It's about who's got a bigger lawyer budget. But if she's 18, on the day of her birthday, hit on her. If I were 22 -- I'd do something like... I like you but I can't date you because of your age. How about we stay friends until you turn 18, and I'll ask you to be my girlfriend on your 18th birthday. But don't bank on it. Many women change their minds all the time, especially someone that young. 22 & 18, no one is going to say anything. Sounds pretty normal to me. That's part of the reason I didn't want to date her. She was still a full year away from being 18 and she was a junior in high school while I was getting ready to graduate and start looking for a job/career etc., we'd be on totally different stages in life. I just thought it was weird for people to encourage a relationship that was illegal.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Your inexperienced friends want to keep you in their virgin clubhouse and the female ones either want your attention for themselves or don't want to deal with the social stigma of being friends with someone who's “taking advantage” of a young girl. They are looking out for their own interests. That being said, I think it would have been totally appropriate for you to date her. She was obviously interested, you weren't using your age as some kind of weapon to manipulate. The age of consent is 16/17 in most places so unless its 18 where you are there shouldn't have been any legal trouble. I know when I was 17 there was a 25 year old I would have loved to date, and it would have been heaven if she went out with me. I wouldn't have been a victim. What's your issue with it, just feel like you would be taking advantage? Where I live it is 18 and she was a full year away from being 18 so I would be waiting quite a while. It wasn't so much as I felt like I was taking advantage of her, I just felt like beyond some obvious chemistry we weren't really in the same stage of life in addition to legal issues. There were other things too like how late she could stay out etc. that just weren't going to work out.
gaius Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) My great grandmother ended up marrying an 18 year old when she was 15. He would ride by on a horse everyday when she was out in the fields and eventually one thing led to another and they ran off together. Her father was so pissed he forced them to marry, and they lived happily until he died at 62. She never felt victimized. Is everyone just worried about the image of it? Sure you're at different stages of life but are you only look to date someone for the marriage potential? She might have had fond memories of her older boyfriend dropping her off at school while all her friends were stuck riding the bus. You could have had a story to brag about too. EDIT: Just read your last post, so yeah that's a while to wait. Probably made the right call. For anyone else though if its legal where you are go for it. Edited April 7, 2011 by gaius
fishtaco Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) My great grandmother ended up marrying an 18 year old when she was 15. He would ride by on a horse everyday when she was out in the fields and eventually one thing led to another and they ran off together. Her father was so pissed he forced them to marry, and they lived happily until he died at 62. She never felt victimized. For better or for worse, it has nothing to do with being victimized and everything to do with the law. Back then the angry father made them get married. Today the angry father would put the 18 year old behind bars, and the 18 year old would be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life. Times are different now. Edited April 8, 2011 by fishtaco
TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I agree with fishtaco that times are different now. Hell, people eat too much fast food and try to sue over that, people are looking for all sorts of stupid reasons to go to court. The age difference doesn't concern me as much as the fact that you're graduating college and she's 3/4 the way through highschool. Wouldn't you feel weird hanging around her young friends... and going to her SENIOR PROM at 23? Maybe when she's 22 and you're 27. At that point you'll BOTH be living without parental control and focused on the same aspirations. But then again... 5 years from now you'll have both moved on.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I agree with fishtaco that times are different now. Hell, people eat too much fast food and try to sue over that, people are looking for all sorts of stupid reasons to go to court. The age difference doesn't concern me as much as the fact that you're graduating college and she's 3/4 the way through highschool. Wouldn't you feel weird hanging around her young friends... and going to her SENIOR PROM at 23? Maybe when she's 22 and you're 27. At that point you'll BOTH be living without parental control and focused on the same aspirations. But then again... 5 years from now you'll have both moved on. Exactly. Again, I decided it wasn't worth it. This was over a year ago, she has moved on (which I encouraged her to do). The issue was more about my friends' reactions to it. My (allegedly) desperate inexperienced friends thought it was not a good idea, while my friends who were more experienced thought I should have dated her. I found that odd, I would have thought it would have been the opposite.
TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Exactly. Again, I decided it wasn't worth it. This was over a year ago, she has moved on (which I encouraged her to do). The issue was more about my friends' reactions to it. My (allegedly) desperate inexperienced friends thought it was not a good idea, while my friends who were more experienced thought I should have dated her. I found that odd, I would have thought it would have been the opposite. Are your "more experienced" friends only more experienced because they have been in more relationships? I can't judge and say your friends just date anything with a vagina, but maybe your "inexperienced" friends will be more successful in the dating scene in the long run - for being more skeptical and thoughtful on who they should really date. You made the right choice, and your friend's opinions can only get you so far. Trust your gut feeling, you sound like a smart guy.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 You made the right decision. That's unlawful contact with a minor. If her parents get mad and decide to throw the book at you, you could end up on the sexual offender's list for the rest of your life. It doesn't even have anything to do if you two truly love each other, and even if you didn't have sex with each other. It's about who's got a bigger lawyer budget. But if she's 18, on the day of her birthday, hit on her. If I were 22 -- I'd do something like... I like you but I can't date you because of your age. How about we stay friends until you turn 18, and I'll ask you to be my girlfriend on your 18th birthday. But don't bank on it. Many women change their minds all the time, especially someone that young. 22 & 18, no one is going to say anything. Sounds pretty normal to me. Age of consent varies greatly by jurisdiction. Not that it should matter. Strict liability crimes are for the most part total BS.
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