KineticsEng Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I’ve been married for 4+ years. We dated for 2+ years prior. Here is the short of it… I’m a very easy going guy. I tend not to rock the boat unless its something major. So that includes forgoing my needs for the good of the whole when I think it’s called for. At the same time I’ll go out of my way to please my spouse or family when possible. I just like to make people happy. At the same time… from my spouse I expect the same. Call it the golden rule…. Sounds all fine and dandy…. But…. My wife and I have never had the intimate/sexual relationship I’ve longed for. Never. I noticed this very early on while dating… and con fronted her about this. She blamed it on hormones and birth control. Not wanting to be a complete ass is lived with that and just made due without as the rest of our relationship was good. When we got married she wanted to try to have a baby immediately ( as in let’s try on the honeymoon). I was against this and wanted to wait a couple of years just to work on us.. to learn and grow together. I was hoping that our intimacy and sex issues would work themselves out as we grew and loved each other. I knew that when kids came around my sexual needs will take a back seat to the needs of the child. Well two years passed…. No real movement on the sex/intimacy issues. Shortly thereafter we had a child. She’s two now. Here is how the dominoes started coming down….. In order to be a great friend and husband to my wife I suppressed my needs. I also committed to things I didn’t necessarily want to participate it. ( like going to church every Sunday). Over the years I began to realize that despite my complaints and efforts to help the situation we were never going to have the sexual relationship I wanted. Being rejected time and time again started taking its toll. I began to realize that this could end up being a deal breaker for us. It’s just not the way she’s drawn. And I can’t expect her to change who she is. Its jut not realistic. And although I’ve tried to suppress it… I can’t change who I am either. So I stopped perusing sex. 90% of the time all I got was no anyway… so when she wanted sex.. I guess she will initiate and we can do that. So that’s how it went for a while. And she caught on and asked what was wrong ect… and I told her. ( as I have many many times in the past).. so she promised to work on it…. (as she also has many many times in the past) but it never last for more than a week. All of this time I’m just losing interest in sex with her. She began to become less physically and mentally to me. I started shutting down in other ways too… I no longer really wanted to go church… I have started emotionally checking out… and she really noticed this. This is when she realized that something was really wrong. I told her all the while that this was happening in the hopes of her really trying to work on things…. It didn’t happen. From there I began to key in on many other aspects of her that I didn’t really care for…. By default she looks for the bad in people……. Or tries to find fault. Kind of like everyone is out to get her somehow and the cant be trusted. Myself on the other hand is just the opposite. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have reason not to. We are just two very different people. And its becoming pretty obvious to me. It’s gotten to the point to where she point blank asked me if I wanted to be married anymore. And I honestly told her I don’t know. All we can do is work on it. Told her about how I think we don’t have the intimacy I needed and I really didn’t know how to tell how to fix it. Its jut one of the things that you either have…. Or you don’t. And I don’t think we do. So I suggested counseling…. We have yet to go.. but ill push harder for it in the coming weeks as she has come major tests and things for work that are consuming her time. I don’t want to end my marriage if it can really be saved…. But at the same time I don’t think I’m willing to forgo a sex life at this time. There an intimate bond that we have just never had. I hoped it would form over the course of our marriage but it hasn’t. I can make things work and just live that life…. But will I ever be happy? Not how I should be. And I don’t think she will really be either. So I guess I’m looking for some suggestions and advice as to what I should do in my situation…..
Frank13 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Counseling won't help. It won't make her want sex. She knows how you feel and nothing has changed. Time to move on.
nsphere Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 It sounds like you always had doubts and sure enough, those doubts never went away even with having a child. The key is if you want someone to change, you really want someone else. You could try to go to counselling but if you do, do it with the intent of figuring yourself out and what you are willing accept and do. Can you see yourself happy with this person 1 year from now, 10 years from now, 40 years? As long as you are honest and up front then if you do end your relationship, you won't have any regrets that you did what you thought was best. Certainly better to deal with this now than let it drag on and have an affair (not that you are considering that, just in case you were) which would turn you into the bad guy. One day your child willl be an adult and you will want to be able to look her in the eye and say you did the best you could. It's also much easier on a younger child to go through changes than when your child is older and has a better understanding of their world is falling apart. Not that it's easier on the parents though, it's always tough when kids are involved.
Author KineticsEng Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Thanks for the replies everyone. Unfortunately I'm already "the bad guy" I recently engaged in an affair and its over. And of course The OW was everything Ive been missing in my spouse. Is like she woke me up from the sleep which had become my life. Now that the affair is over and my life is starting to return to normal I cant fight the feeling that I we cannot go back to the way things were. I need more. I feel horrible that I have sunken low enough to cheat on my wife..... I do love her but I think we would be better off as just friends. I should have been man enough to handle this the right way. And she deserved that from me. And in light of that.... she deserves better than what I have given her. I still plan to seek counseling for the two of us.... but I dont think ill be telling her about my affair. It would only add insult to injury and destroy any chance we have of remaining friends after this.
Author KineticsEng Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Just been doing some thinking.... And I was wanting my wife and I to go to counseling and the more time I look at the past... and any issues I seem to think we have. All the fingers end up pointing back at me. My wife hasn't really changed over the years.... She is who she always was. Its me who is doing the changing. And there is a very real chance that I married the wrong person. It is I who need the counseling.......
highviolet Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Just been doing some thinking.... And I was wanting my wife and I to go to counseling and the more time I look at the past... and any issues I seem to think we have. All the fingers end up pointing back at me. My wife hasn't really changed over the years.... She is who she always was. Its me who is doing the changing. And there is a very real chance that I married the wrong person. It is I who need the counseling....... I had a realization like this recently. I have been wanting my husband to change for me, becasue I am unhappy, and he just can't. It's not fair to ask him to, even if what he does hurts me or gives us problems. I think it would be fair to cut her loose. You both deserve someone who can love you for who you are. And she doesn't deserve to be with someone who will cheat on her. You should tell her of the affair, she has the right to know. She deserves some say in it too, and in order for that to happen, all the cards need to be on the table. Now if only I could take my own advice...
Author KineticsEng Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 I had a realization like this recently. I have been wanting my husband to change for me, becasue I am unhappy, and he just can't. It's not fair to ask him to, even if what he does hurts me or gives us problems. I think it would be fair to cut her loose. You both deserve someone who can love you for who you are. And she doesn't deserve to be with someone who will cheat on her. You should tell her of the affair, she has the right to know. She deserves some say in it too, and in order for that to happen, all the cards need to be on the table. Now if only I could take my own advice... I hear you..... Thanks.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 It would be much better to do some IC for about a year before just packing it in on a marriage with a child. You aren't "cutting her loose" you are abandoning your responsibilities as a husband and father unless you try to work out your end if things first.
Tiberius Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Many women lose interest in sex after children. Quite pestering her, she does not want it. Get your sex elsewhere, it does not mean you cant be a good fathter and provide a stable household to help your wife raise your child. And not do NOT tell her about your affair. What good do you think will come out of it. Do you think she will make a rational informed decision knowing all the facts? If you split that means 2 households to support instead of one, so there goes your daughters inheritance and you cant be a father to her either, unless you live someplace where you will get physical custody half of the time. There is no need for you to feel horrible for getting something she has no interest in. Edited April 12, 2011 by Tiberius
dreamingoftigers Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Many women lose interest in sex after children. Quite pestering her, she does not want it. Get your sex elsewhere, it does not mean you cant be a good fathter and provide a stable household to help your wife raise your child. And not do NOT tell her about your affair. What good do you think will come out of it. Do you think she will make a rational informed decision knowing all the facts? If you split that means 2 households to support instead of one, so there goes your daughters inheritance and you cant be a father to her either, unless you live someplace where you will get physical custody half of the time. There is no need for you to feel horrible for getting something she has no interest in. Except for the fact that it makes you despicable, and a terrible father and husband. Btw, nothing is stable whatsoever when you have an affair, your nuts are like dynamite, have fun!
Author KineticsEng Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Thanks for all your help everyone.
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