WillSingForFood Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 From any of your previous or current relationships, do you have any regrets? If you slept with them too soon, or if you said something that you wish you hadn't said, or if you led someone on when you had no intentions of going through with it. If you had a chance to change things, would you? In my case, I left some things unsaid that I wish I had said, and I know I still have the opportunity to say them. They won't make any difference at all on our relationship, but I feel as though by saying them, it will let go of that regret, and I can finally move on and be able to sleep in peace at night. Without any details given, would you do so if you were in my boat? Or if you could change your own regrets if you have any?
fishtaco Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Then you should say it. As for me, absolutely - my last relationship, which up to this point she has been the best woman in my life -- no, not the recent one where her mom told her not to date me. My ex girlfriend from 3 years ago. We were having problems, sure, what relationships don't. It was a reoccurring problem, and I couldn't seem to solve it. But in the grand scheme of things, we have so much other positives going, that if this was something I'd have to manage for the rest of my life, it's actually not that bad. But I didn't see it this way back then. I got tired of it, I got tired of no progress, I forgot to see the other positives, and I broke up with her. So my regret was that I should have been more committed to work out, or at the very least, tolerate, the issues. Even if ultimately it wasn't going to work out anyway, I wish I had pushed farther. After I made this realization, I was in the midst of family drama and one of the worse years I've had recently. So I kept pushing off contacting her. Eventually I did, I came clean, I apologized, I told her how I felt. She appreciated it, but it was too little too late. So at least I achieved closure, and I said what I needed to say. But I don't have an opportunity to prove to her I meant what I said anymore. Second chances are luxuries. I screwed up, so I have no one to blame but myself.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I would say what you need to say regardless of whether it will impact the relationship or not. As for having regrets, I think I have really only one. When I was a freshman in high school there was this cute girl who sat next to me. At first I didn't really care whether she liked me or not so I just talked to her in a casual manner but flirted with her and made her laugh etc. In the beginning of the year the seats were assigned by alphabetical order, but when we were allowed to sit wherever we wanted she didn't move to sit with her friends, she instead continued to sit next to me. I started to like her, and wanted to ask her out. But, I did what I usually do, I started thinking too much. I talked myself out of it because we were both headed to different schools the next school year (she was moving, and a school boundary change was causing me to go to a different school) I figured why bother it won't last anyway. In my 14/15 year old brain this made sense. But, I think had I actually asked her out I think it would have demystified women to an extent for me (I probably would have at least kiss or held hands or something) and I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in today.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I was in a rare and strange situation in my life where I had to choose between two different men, who were both great men and wished to date me. I'm currently dating the one I chose, but sometimes, I sort of wonder what it would have been like to date the other one. =( And get a little scared that I made a mistake, although I try not to think about it. The guy I said no to hates me now and there's no point. I'm just positive that since I was given such an easy choice in life, there's going to be a time when I have no men to balance things out. And that sucks.
Lilmisus Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 What would you say if I told you that my regret is not telling him just how much he meant to me when I had the chance? I led him to believe that what we had wasn't as important to me as it was to him and now he is almost completely out of my life. I regret it so much but I know that whatever I say won't make a difference. I just really want him to know how much I loved him
daphne Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 There's a song about it and it's bitter sweet and hits home with most people. (Say what you need to say in case you really didn't know.) There are a few times where I was reluctant to open my mouth and communicate out of fear or pride. I no longer wish I could go back and change it, because it worked out as it should have and I realize that now. But next time, I won't leave anything unimportant unsaid, regardless of pride. It's a huge relief when you take a risk, even if it doesn't pan out.
MarlyStar Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I was too polite. I was on the second date with a guy I really, really, REALLY liked. We just clicked. The thing is he had a father who did 8 years in prison for major drug dealing. Dad had only just gotten off probation. This guy hadn't told anyone, later I found out he hadn't even told his exwife, she hated his family and said he rarely interacted with them. I had to interview him for a security clearance and of course I knew, it came up in the background check. We were going down the list of his family members and when we were just about to get to his father I saw him freeze, I was bent over the paper and watching him from the chin down, so as not to be confrontational. I simply said, your father has nothigng to do with you; it won't affect your clearance. He said very coldly, of course not. Then I saw him relax and he said ruefully, my dad's a punk but I love him. (pause), Talked to him on the way over here as a matter of fact, he said watch out for the posters of me. I looked up at him and grinned and said, we took those down just before you got here. He grinned and we had rapport. I have to say I really liked that answer, it showed realism (my dad's a punk), kindness/forgiveness/acceptance (but I love him) and a person who values a relationship (I talked to him on the way over). When the business relationship was over, he asked me out for dinner. When we went out for dinner, we were waiting for out reservation and leaning against a fence overlooking a garden. He said out of nowhere, my dad's in mexico, I told him to stay out of trouble. I was surprised that he brought it up, kind of awkwardly, I didn't know what to say, so after a pause I said rather formally, "I'm sure he will." The guy then said something that surprised me, "He got in with the wrong crowd, it wasn't really his fault". Now I knew the whole deal abt his father, I'd read the official records. Dad had been a major drug dealer, and got off with only 8 years because he was 60+, and there were suspended charges hanging over dad's head if he stepped out of line. I didn't know what to think, was this guy lying to me trying to pull one over, or did he really not know? After all he'd been living in another state. I didn't know what to say, so I said sort of primly: He did his time, it's all over now. It wasn't the answer the guy was looking for I think. The date seemed off after that. Friendly and nice, but a bit distant. It didn't jell like it did at the beginning. I wished I'd said the truth: that I admired his answer to an awkward situation. That I admired his relationship with his father. A couple days later he called me about something and just mentioned his father was visiting for a week. I said, great, that's nice, and then said more seriously, enjoy your father, I lost mine X number of years ago. He liked that answer and invited me out again. It was just a short lunch, and suddenly he brought up his father again out of no where, said his father wasn't 'doing the dirt anymore' and had changed and his brother had changed (bro had done a couple months in jail for id fraud abt 20 years ago) and his sister was still struggling with addiction. He looked at me sort of pleading. Again I was shocked that he'd brought it up, and my mind was racing, 'doing the dirt? doing the dirt? what does he mean? Oh drugs." I didn't know what to say, so I said, "Ah, your brother did that 20 years ago, it doesn't matter at all. Of course people change." But I didn't adress what he really wanted to hear, abt his dad. I wish I'd said I had admired his relationship to his father. I wish I'd told him about a friend I had had years ago named Lori who had been a heroine addict for abt 20 years and lost everything (was a hooker for a while even), but cleaned up her act when her son was born. And how the world is a better place because Lori is in it. But I said the polite conventional thing. I wish I'd been myself and said 'my truth' of his situation. However the rest of the lunch went really well and was a lot of fun. My answer was okay, but not enough. He wasn't quick to call back (abt two weeks) and then I had to go away for a month of training, and then he was out of town for about a month and then I was seeing someone and he and I fizzled out. I actually liked this guy more than the one I was seeing and then devoted 4 years of my life to. He started seeing someone else and our paths never crossed again. I heard a year or so ago that another of his secrets (which I knew about) blew up in his face and he did some rather stupid mean things to try to cover it up and do damage control. It was one of those secrets that had he been candid about never would have mattered, but he mishandled it. At the time I knew him (and I never spent a whole lot of time with him), I got the impression he was a lonely man; nice guy but a smidge paranoid, slightly hypochrondriac, a smidge controlling, and tightly wound. But not a bad guy, I'd sort of cautiously date him now, but think he has a gf. Wanna bet she doesn't know about his father? I always wished I'd said what I thought. I work in a field where you'd think I'd just be judgmental about it, at least professionally, I assume he thought so, but actually, I'm not; I see truly evil people and drug dealers who spent 62 years of their lives living decently before messing up (messing up mainly their own lives) are no big deal. I just did not care about what his father did. I wish I'd said so. It's very unlikely I'll ever see this guy again; but if I did I think if there was a private place, I'd tell him straight out: "I always wanted to tell you this, and regret I didn't, but..." and tell him. I feel bad for him carrying burdens that don't really belong to him and feeling ashamed of them. And I think making secrets of things like that alienate you from people and make you feel lonelier than you need to be. And I wonder what our relationship would have been like had he felt accepted and his father accepted despite dad's history. In those two weeks after our second date and before we were separated for 10 weeks, we might have build up enough rapport, trust and liking to carry over those 10 weeks.
TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I honestly can't count the amount of times I wished I could have a rewind button and do things differently. Instead of sulking in the past, I have learned to move on and use those mistakes as learning experiences. Although - every time I find someone new, I tend to make a NEW mistake that needs correcting for the next person I date. I have a lot to learn.
MarlyStar Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 If you had a chance to change things, would you? In my case, I left some things unsaid that I wish I had said, and I know I still have the opportunity to say them. They won't make any difference at all on our relationship, but I feel as though by saying them, it will let go of that regret, and I can finally move on and be able to sleep in peace at night. Without any details given, would you do so if you were in my boat? Or if you could change your own regrets if you have any? Yes, I would say it. It doesn't matter if it won't make any difference in the relationship. It may not fix your couplehood, but you still have a relationship and it will make a difference, maybe in ways you'll never know. The ony time I wouldn't is if it would make someone unhappy or hurt them. Like long after you divorced you told your exspouse about an affair.
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