Soulmates?

[sgc]

Hi,

 

Shouldnt really let my mind run wild with stupid thoughts, but here goes nothing...

 

Well... I always believed in soulmates... finding that person which whom you connected in an amazing way. That made you go that extra mile.... I just got engaged (again) recently....

 

Well the last 2 years have been chaotic... I have gone through like a quarterlife crisis with my job and life... I broke an engagement cos I just felt that it was really wrong for both of us. Needed a lot of strength to do that, cos the girl was so excited about it. She was hurt a lot by it, cos she didnt expect it. But I just felt it was so wrong for both of us. She was a really nice person though, and got married just recently. My family liked her a lot too, and didnt understand why I did that. I got a lot of blame. I felt guilty, and my work suffered. I walked out of my job. Took me like an year to feel better about it.

 

And now I just got engaged again.... There is a lot of pressure to get married quick... and not give me too much time to think this time. All the boxes seem to check. You know what I mean I hope. But I dont know what keeps bugging me. This voice inside keeps telling me to wait for that soulmate. Someone with whom I could just connect.

 

When I was younger, though it wasnt that back either, about 5-6 years ago, I was friends with this girl. She was really crazy. The complete opposite of me. She used to smoke and drink, and I did neither of those, and yet I sort of connected with her so amazingly. We could just talk for hours and hours without getting bored. And on such diverse subjects. She was really smart. And she sort of inspired me in a funny way to look out of the ordinary and try to do something special. But I sort of knew, It was like we couldn't get married. I mean anyhow we were so young then. But parents would never accept her. And I think she wasn't even interested in marriage. I never told her I loved her, I am not sure I did love her. But then she sort of disappeared, and I tried reaching out to her, but just couldn't find her.

 

But when I am most alone on nights like today, I can only think of her, and how she'd laugh at me for being so serious in life. I wonder if she was my soulmate....

 

But I can't break another engagement. I shouldn't be thinking all this crap. But then why did they have this concept of soulmates?

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds to me like you seem okay with getting/being engaged, but when it comes time to ACTUALLY tie the knot (or make plans to) you get cold feet. If these woman aren't really your "soulmates" then why have you asked them to marry you? Maybe it isn't the concept of "soul mates" that trips you up, maybe it's just that fear of the final committment to someone that scares you. So in reality it's not really about WHO you marry, maybe the problem lies within you.

 

That being said, you should NEVER marry someone you aren't 100% sure you want to spend the rest of your life with. Read the divorce forum and you'll see how that has played out for some folks.

[zakfar]

Lurie's response is also good one. Take that advice. If it doesn't help, then go for another possible reason for your feelings, mentioned below.

 

It is clear that you problem is not person specific (as you think that it's because of that girl) but actually a psychologically negative response for someone who doesn't have the qualities of your soulmate.

 

The first question you should ask yourself is, what you want in your 'Soulmate' - your dreamgirl. What should be the qualities in her? Should she be smart? Should she smoke? Should she drink? Should she do things without your permission? Should she be aggressive towards you? Should she be... whatever that comes in your mind. Ask yourself all kinds of question that you can think. You can even write them down on a paper. It will help you to learn what do you really want.

 

Once you know your desired 'Soulmate', there are two options for you.

 

One is to start looking for her. Second is to convert your future wife in that personality - may be after marriage. If she loves you, she will be happy to go for the activities/things that you want to see in her.

 

I know it will confuse you a bit, but trust me. It is possible. You can look at her as you want. You can indeed make her your 'Soulmate' yourself.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

Edited April 8, 2011 by zakfar

[LittleTiger]

Once you know your desired 'Soulmate', there are two options for you.

 

One is to start looking for her. Second is to convert your future wife in that personality - may be after marriage. If she loves you, she will be happy to go for the activities/things that you want to see in her.

 

I know it will confuse you a bit, but trust me. It is possible. You can look at her as you want. You can indeed make her your 'Soulmate' yourself.

 

I find this advice very disturbing.

 

Never, EVER, marry someone hoping/expecting you can change them in to something they are not.

 

If you love someone, you love them for who they are - without any interference from you. You certainly can't make anyone into anything to suit your own purposes. To me this sounds like controlling behaviour and trying to control another person is abusive.

 

OP, you either haven't found the right woman or you're afraid of commitment. Maybe have a session or two with a counsellor to help you figure out what it is you really want in a partner and what this concept of 'soulmate' means to you.

 

The girl from years ago is just a fantasy. If you'd had a real relationship with her it would, most likely, have turned out just as your other's have.

 

Most importantly, if you can't imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with your current fiance then marrying her would be a big mistake. You can break another engagement and, if you're hesitating this much, you probably should.

[WutheringH]

it's not really that distrubing to be frank. Whilst I disagree with the first half of the suggestion aiming to try and alter the other persons choice of activity..

 

The second suggestion appears to be trying to suggest that the SGC control his own perspective of his mate. This is often suggested in Counciling and comes under the general priciple of 'Love the one your with'

 

Which, you seem to actually be hinting at working through via suggesting he see a counciler. Therefore I feel you in fact don't find it that disturbing! The number one things Councilers do is to help change or enhance a persons perpective and thus behaviours/feelings. As im sure you know. So to look for the good in his partner is hardly disturbing!

 

It's really actually very good advice. Humans naturally put their 'issues' and negative feelings onto other people. Our brains are wired in a negative fashion, as in nature its far more important to avoid the 'stick' (badness , death a lion etc.) now, than chase the carrot (joy, happiness etc) now. Chasing the carrot can always be done another day. As long as you surive whatever the stick is in the 'now'. Evolution dosn't care about happiness or satisfaction. If it was to 'care' about anything its survival. Thus in reality it 'wants' us to be in a perpeptual state of wanting. Fuelled by fleeting glimpses of the feeling of 'happiness' and then persistent feelings of 'somethings' missing. It's the norm. It drove humans out of the cave to look for self expansion and novelty. In fact much of the brains reward system is really just a massive tool to appreciate novelty.

 

Due to this the brain is effectivly teflon for bad perceptions and mentalities. Whilst it struggles to hold onto positive ones and happiness. The more we use our brain to train are own perspective on things. The more likely we can attain the feeling of contentness we so desire. To a certian extent you could say the Buddist Monks have some scientific logic to their approach to life. Not just a philosophical one.

 

All I feel Zakfar is doing is pointing out that SGC is holding out for some intangibal feeling i.e that 'connection' he describes. This when found will be the antidote to all the negative feelings he experiences considering a long term relationship.

 

If you have any knowledge of the human condition you know that this is a rather stupid notion to hold out for. All i feel Zakfar is subtlely pointing is that for SGC to actually 'be' happy. He needs to isolate the realities of what he desires in a mate. Not just act as a child and hold out for some intangible feeling. As you yourself so clearly state. Secondly Zakfar is suggesting SGC claim his reality. By knowing that its likely his mate will already exhibit many of the qualities he finds desirable in a person. His unrealistic expectations of perfection in the form of the use of the word 'connection' to suggest he feels 'somethings' missing, will be blocking him from appreciating the now and attaining greater happiness.

 

Relationships are one of the easiest places for people to display this kind of negative thinking and desire. The damage done by people unwilling to actually dig deep and find what they need in a person can be incredibly damaging. Rather people let their feelings rule the roost. Without a shadow of a doubt its incredibly hard to use rationality to control feelings. Akin to a monkey riding and trying to control a tiger.

 

However recognising the fight your up against and the reasonings for it. Whilst excepting your responsibility over them. Is the start of moving forward in a productive manner.

Edited April 8, 2011 by WutheringH

[LittleTiger]

it's not really that distrubing to be frank. Whilst I disagree with the first half of the suggestion aiming to try and alter the other persons choice of activity..

 

The second suggestion appears to be trying to suggest that the SGC control his own perspective of his mate. This is often suggested in Counciling and comes under the general priciple of 'Love the one your with'

 

Which, you seem to actually be hinting at working through via suggesting he see a counciler. Therefore I feel you in fact don't find it that disturbing! The number one things Councilers do is to help change or enhance a persons perpective and thus behaviours/feelings. As im sure you know. So to look for the good in his partner is hardly disturbing!

 

Um? Yes it is really that disturbing to be frank - to me! You disagree with the first half of the suggestion - and that's the part I find disturbing (I didn't comment on the rest of zakfar's post) - nobody should ever attempt to change their partner into someone they want them to be - not ever! I find any suggestion of doing such a thing to be VERY disturbing - and I would appreciate it if you don't try to tell me that I feel differently. Take me at my word - if I say I find it disturbing, then I do.

 

I suggested the OP see a counsellor so that he can work on his own issues about marriage and his idea of a 'soulmate'. Neither of these things has anything to do with his current fiance and I certainly did not hint, or suggest in any other way, that he should try to change the way he feels about her. He's pretty much said that he doesn't feel he loves her enough to marry her - nothing will change that, so he shouldn't marry her.

 

Whilst it is clearly possible to learn to love another person as sometimes happens in arranged marriages, you can't turn anyone into your 'soulmate'.

[WutheringH]

My guess would be that we are coming at very different philisophical angles here and hence we are clashing. Indeed i can't dispute your personal feelings and it was wrong for me to suggest that you felt a way contrary to what you described in your post.

 

I had connected the 'you can indeed make her your soulmate yourself' to be inconjunction with the part of Zakfar's point that was pointing out the an individuals mental perspective on their partner can limit their ability to feel and return 'love'. Because you highlighted this part of his response i also thought that you where against this part of Zakfar's perspective.

 

Upon your additonal response it's clear i jumped the gun and thus i apologise.

 

I do however feel that human motive is not always a black and white issue. Whilst it may be immoral for sgc to force upon his fiance change for his sole desire. Especially if the fiance is resistent to it.

I do still stand by a notion that a huge part of Love is the concept of self-expansion.

 

I belive we love another because it expands are OWN horizons. To me even if we decorate the most aultruistic and giving of actions as being akin to words such as 'unconditional love', and we know that we too are expanding the other persons experience of life. There is still a mass level of human selfish interest in there. For example whilst Zakfar's use of the word 'convert' is ultimatly a little brutish. Many people take great pleasure in introducing their partners to activities that they find enjoyable, many do this because it is a form of sharing and giving. Many also hope that the partner will find interest in the new activity and they can share this together. Perhaps what Zakfar is suggesting?, just expressed in a more delicate manner. Whether you find this view of the human condition distrubing or not is up to you. I for one belive that the human condition contains more distrubing factors than good. Nature is a hard teacher.

 

Even the most seemingly selfless 'giving' such as that of a great sacrifice on behalf of the one you Love. Has consistently shown in fMIRS and various other studies to show that the Brain gets a wash of feel good chemical at the perception of having done something noble and giving for another. Thus no matter how you rationaly describe your act, their is a selfish undertone.

 

You say nothing will change his feelings as to his level of love and marriage. But both love and commitment are heavily dependent on environmental circumstance and mental perspective. Hence why many people stuggling whether to continue with their marriage go to councilers to seek a new perspective on their issue. A counciler dosn't have a metaphysical wand that he or she can wave to just 'adjust' feelings. Ultimatly all he or she can do is offer a external perspective. For many people this is all that is needed and they find themselves back in a loving state of mind and ready to build upon their marriage commitments. Thus people's levels of commitment and love can to me clearly be changed. Their in a perpetual state of change all the time.

 

All my opinions (and they are just that) clearly heavily stem from Biology, Rational thinking and Evo-Pychology. Thus they can be heavily disputed if you approach these questions to life from a differing perspective. There are no wrong and rights in Love just opinions.

 

I WAS however wrong to suggest you felt a differing way to the one you expressed.

[xxoo]

One thing is clear: you are not ready to marry. Please break the engagement, and stop proposing to women!

 

I do think you should feel a strong "connection" to the woman you eventually marry. Checking things off on a list is no substitute for feelings of magnetic attraction. You need to have both--connection AND all the important qualities your are seeking in a mate.

 

There is no hurry to get married. But don't string along women if you don't feel the connection.

[sgc]

Well.... Yes I understand the problem prolly lies within me more than outside..

 

I do have commitment issues... But they have been mostly related to not really knowing whats right for me... Trying to look too far ahead..

 

Well I really can't break this engagement, not that I even want to at the moment. But you know, yesterday when I was talking to her, I just didnt feel intellectually connected to her.

 

I am sure all of you who have been married or engaged for a long time, would feel about the partners differently on different days. I guess I shouldn't react on it, or think too much about it. She's a sweet girl, and I am a nice guy too really. No one expected me to break that first engagement. I couldn't believe I did it too.

 

But I just couldn't sleep for like 2 weeks straight after the engagement, feeling like it was a complete mess up. She was planning everything, talking to everyone, and I felt like she wanted to change everything too soon. She even said about changing how I was. And I wasn't ready for all that change. Ofcourse no one understood it, I couldn't explain it either. And I sort of wished she found someone better than me, so I'd stop feeling guilty. She did, I am happy for her. My parents still can't resist talking about her.

 

So, I have to get married this year. I am approaching 30, and its just getting too late. Maybe this girl might just become my soulmate....

[LittleTiger]

So, I have to get married this year. I am approaching 30, and its just getting too late. Maybe this girl might just become my soulmate....

 

Wow! Your reason for getting married is because you're approaching 30?!!! That's just a recipe for disaster.

 

Please think very carefully before you go ahead with this marriage. There are two lives at stake here, not just yours - and there may be more in the near future if you have children.

 

Separation/divorce is one of the most stressful and difficult events that anyone has to go through (for both spouses as well as for the children) - check out the separation/divorce section of these forums if you need proof. Please don't put either yourself or your fiance at risk of having to go through it.

 

If you're having doubts, the very least you can do is talk to your fiance about how you feel. You say she's a sweet girl and you're a nice guy? Well you owe her some honesty.

 

She may decide not to marry you once she knows how you really feel. Ask yourself what your reaction to that would be - I suspect you would be relieved.

[Lauriebell82]

 

Well I really can't break this engagement, not that I even want to at the moment. But you know, yesterday when I was talking to her, I just didnt feel intellectually connected to her

 

Of course you can break the engagement. It's pretty obvious you have a fear of committment, and if that's the case then you shouldn't get married! Getting a ring back from your fiance is going to be easier then a divorce!

 

So, I have to get married this year. I am approaching 30, and its just getting too late. Maybe this girl might just become my soulmate....

 

Again, you don't HAVE to get married this year. 30 is not too late to get married, your "male biological clock" isn't ticking. There are plenty of 30 something year old females looking for a relationship.

 

Would you be open to individual counseling? A therapist would be able to work through these issues with you. I don't think it has anything to do with WHO you marrying, it's just the idea of marriage and the fear of ending up alone that is tripping you up. Neither are reasons to tie the knot IMO.

[LittleTiger]

All my opinions (and they are just that) clearly heavily stem from Biology, Rational thinking and Evo-Pychology. Thus they can be heavily disputed if you approach these questions to life from a differing perspective. There are no wrong and rights in Love just opinions.

 

I WAS however wrong to suggest you felt a differing way to the one you expressed.

 

Thanks for your apology, I appreciate it.

 

I do actually agree with you regarding the biological basis of our behaviour (if you stick around on LS you'll see I bring it up myself a lot). I also agree that human beings are intrinsically selfish and that, where a relationship or marriage has hit a rocky patch, counselling can sometimes (not always) help to bring back the feelings of love and connection that the couple has apparently lost along the way.

 

However, I don't believe your 'love the one you're with' argument is relevant on this thread because, from the way he describes his feelings, the OP doesn't appear to have had that romantic love connection that brings a couple together and sustains the relationship in the long term. He can't actually get it back if it was never there in the first place. Biology dictates that sexual and emotional connection and we can't fight it or create it where it doesn't exist.

 

The OPs most recent post does, unfortunately, highlight the selfish nature of humans though. To marry someone you don't love just because you're getting close to thirty is, in my view, incredibly selfish. His fiance needs to know his motives for marrying her so she can make an informed decision on whether or not she wants to go ahead.

 

A marriage based on dishonesty (hiding the truth is dishonest), lack of communication and the needs of only one spouse is never going to be a happy one.

[WutheringH]

Yeah, whilst the subjectivity of the nature of 'love' is up for endless debate. Im interested in this field precisely because of damage control.

 

The amount of happily married couples where one has an affair, Is infafatuated by the OM or OW. Have no idea regarding the science behind differing mental states within the timescale of love and then run of with the OM or OW claiming they have found their 'soulmate'. Precisly because of the intensity of the feelings involved. 'Feelings' havn't changed much since the evolution of man. However rationality and knowledge have grown. Thus we can try and direct ourselves towards the 'good life' via avoiding destructive behaviour.

 

It does help to bare in mind the feelings are not everything when it comes to maintaining a loving relationship.

 

However my personal opinion is that most marriages start with a strong connection and then the passion etc decline. Some divorce some don't some remain in strong companiatve relationships. However if your not feeling it now. DON'T Marry. The probabiltiy of that 'connection' you seem to be seeking growing. Is tiny.

 

Regarding the fact that you find yourself thinking about this woman all the time. Well i have a little theory.. I think you where likely a little infatuated by this woman. I.e in the initial stages of 'Love', because you never got to act on it,m you never got to process the emotions. i.e reach the peak of passion and subsequent decline. Thus its almost like a form of missed oppertunity. Infatuation is such a powerful thing because of the below:

 

From a neurochemical stand point. Infatuation is possibly the most intense natural experience a Human can experience. Its akin to stuffing your face full of cocaine and actually utilises the same reward system that a vast amount of drugs target. Hence withdrawal and breakups of passionate affairs are so similar, both involving depression, craving and relapse. (yes the praises of NC really have scientific grounding)

 

Obsessive thinking even years can be common. Increasingly so if the attraction is not acted on. i.e no sexual intercourse. Hard drug uses often face cravings for life although the intesity does decline. The 'rememberence' dosn't. The same happen with initial attraction and early infatuation. A random example but take Mark Twain for example.. He remained infatuated with a certain Laura Wright whom he met on steamboat early in his life. They parted after a few days of company. Yet she became his muse for life, she frequently appeared in his dreams and writing and he thought of her often. Even seeking her out on occasion. This didn't stop him having a happy marriage. (In the context of the time) And he grieved the death of his wife immensly. Despite frequently describing his most perfect "love" (based on feelings) being tied to Laura.. a 14 year old girl (at the time of meeting) that he hardly knew. Showing the irrationality of feelings in 'love'

 

My point is that the fabric of love sex and attraction is far from the the cut and paste "I love you" "I don't love" the modern day pop-media seems to suggest it should be.

 

Infatuation or 'early romantic love' heavily targets the brain region called the VTA rich in dopaminergic neurons. Which to cut a long story short means that early love produces a whole host of elated feelings and emotions (VTA is heavily connected to the amygdala which has a crucial role in processing emotions) The mind creates this intensity of feeling for a reason and it's certainly not because this man is the 'one'. Infact Sexuality and Love appear in brain terms involve some of the most primative structures. (in terms of long term attachment we appear to share a very similar system of responding to oxytocin and vasopressin to that of the Prairie Vole of all things) Thus despite what people on Love Shack often preach. It is incredibly difficult to use higher brain functions to combat Romatic love.

 

I.e You may NEVER forget that Girl. It dosn't mean a good compatible relationship would form if you sought her out. Your feelings are largly directed by your brains inner drive to reproduce. Its brutal but "connection" "Love" = Sex from Natures perspective. There are no 'soulmates' just people more suited to you to provide offspring with good gentics variety.

 

Im not suggesting that this inner biology keeps you off the line for claiming control over your actions. The reality is that peoples abiltiy to feel and act on long term love likely lies on a gradient. Some people simply will have less of a rewarding response to the flushes of Oxytocin and Vasopressin that are increasingly appearing to be so important in maintaining a long term interest with a mate. The first flushs of love are so intense becuase its a drive pushing you to have sex. The drive dies often dies when the deed is done. Although left unrequited infatuation can live for years. Akin to Scott Fitzgereld's, Hemingway's and Twain's life long obsessions with their first loves. Now a days sex is so prominate that this dosn't seem to be an issue anymore!

 

The crucial thing to remember is that your ability to 'feel' love is likely heavily influenced by genetics. Thus if you leave your partner at some stage, chances are you will be having the exact same fundemental emotional response (in regards to that 'romantic feeling') with the next person you reach out to. Hence some people will literally jump relationships for life. Think Larry King. Maybe you might want to start thinking about whether marriage is REALLY for you. Some people will find long term love biologically much more rewarding thus be happy in a commited marriage. What is important is working out YOU so you can minimise the damage you will do to the other half you leave behind.

[sgc]

I actually told her about my doubts before I got engaged... I confessed to her that I sort of had something more soulmate connecting in mind. She was like - I actually had the same thing in mind, but we can't wait all of our lives for it to happen right, and if we try our best then it's gonna work out great.

 

 

That kinda made me like her more.....

[WutheringH]

Little Tiger.. Glad we cleared that up.. I think we agree. I too would side with the DON"T MARRY! Unless you go into it precisely discussing your fears and EXACT feelings! Hide NOTHING.

 

I do tend to be a bit 'forcefull' in my prose at times I must admit:o

 

I will stick around and read some of your posts!

[Lauriebell82]

I actually told her about my doubts before I got engaged... I confessed to her that I sort of had something more soulmate connecting in mind. She was like - I actually had the same thing in mind, but we can't wait all of our lives for it to happen right, and if we try our best then it's gonna work out great.

 

 

That kinda made me like her more.....

 

So you both want to marry each other for fear that you won't find anyone else? Wow, that's a recipe for disaster! What if the "right person" comes along while you are married? Marrying the wrong person is the worst mistake you could ever make...

[LittleTiger]

I actually told her about my doubts before I got engaged... I confessed to her that I sort of had something more soulmate connecting in mind. She was like - I actually had the same thing in mind, but we can't wait all of our lives for it to happen right, and if we try our best then it's gonna work out great.

 

 

That kinda made me like her more.....

 

If you're both marrying for the same reasons and have shared values and goals then the marriage may well work out BUT what happens if your 'soulmate' appears later down the line when you've been married five years and have two or three children?

 

Be careful! You're both taking a huge risk.

[zakfar]

Thanks WutheringH for understanding me and defending my post. The technicalities you mentioned, those are indeed helpful.

 

By the way LittleTiger, I don't disagree with what you mentioned. All the points you said are indeed correct. We should not 'Force' someone into something. But wait, what if the partner has no problem with that? The partner also likes that? Those are few things that many forget. You can't find out if your partner is interested in becoming 'One' that you want, if you don't talk to them. And you can't talk to them if you don't know yourself those 'Qualities' that you desire in your 'Soulmate'.

 

Before I continue with a little more explanation on this topic, I would like to mention a simple point. Any thing out of the context is dangerous. When someone is writing something, we shouldn't only look at the words, but the motives behind those. Some words are deliberately written to create some psychological and emotional states. Read my passage again and you will find my motive. I'm obviously not promoting 'Forceful attempt' to change someone. In fact, I'm one of the great debaters of 'Free will' and 'Mutual understanding of the partners' myself. Almost all my posts will be directed towards them.

 

Now here is the point that many missed here. SGC wrote in the first post that he 'Has to marry her' and he can't break this 'Engagement' in any case. All that is written is based on that. When you have already made up a decision, better to find out the solution to be happy, rather than thinking whether if that decision is 'Good' or 'Bad'. In our lives, we sometimes have no option to change a decision. Then why should we hurt ourselves with bad feelings for that decision? Think positive, and you will get positive.

 

SGC, it is good that you have talked to her. This is something that can be very helpful. If you find out the qualities you desire in her, then you can talk to her. If she is happy with those, and you are happy with those, then both of you will be happy. Your 'Mutual Understanding' is the key to your success. One thing you should not forget. Maybe she is your 'Soulmate'. You are just not watching her clearly.

[LittleTiger]

Before I continue with a little more explanation on this topic, I would like to mention a simple point. Any thing out of the context is dangerous. When someone is writing something, we shouldn't only look at the words, but the motives behind those. Some words are deliberately written to create some psychological and emotional states. Read my passage again and you will find my motive. I'm obviously not promoting 'Forceful attempt' to change someone. In fact, I'm one of the great debaters of 'Free will' and 'Mutual understanding of the partners' myself. Almost all my posts will be directed towards them.

 

I apologise if I misunderstood your post. Unfortunately, on a public message board, a post by a complete stranger must be taken at face value. It is impossible to work out the motives behind what they're writing.

 

I'm pleased to hear you're not suggesting the OP forces his girlfriend to change but you are suggesting that he tried to turn her into something other than she currently is and I do still have an issue with that. No marriage is going to work if one partner wants to change the other before they've even tied the knot. It's hard enough to keep a marriage happy in the long term when you think the other person is your ideal mate.

 

Now here is the point that many missed here. SGC wrote in the first post that he 'Has to marry her' and he can't break this 'Engagement' in any case. All that is written is based on that. When you have already made up a decision, better to find out the solution to be happy, rather than thinking whether if that decision is 'Good' or 'Bad'. In our lives, we sometimes have no option to change a decision. Then why should we hurt ourselves with bad feelings for that decision? Think positive, and you will get positive.

 

On the contrary, that's the point some of us have actually highlighted and, if you believe so strongly in free will then this is the part you should be focusing on too. This isn't an arranged marriage so he doesn't have to marry her and he can break it off if he chooses to.

 

SGC, it is good that you have talked to her. This is something that can be very helpful. If you find out the qualities you desire in her, then you can talk to her. If she is happy with those, and you are happy with those, then both of you will be happy. Your 'Mutual Understanding' is the key to your success. One thing you should not forget. Maybe she is your 'Soulmate'. You are just not watching her clearly.

 

I'm all for people deciding what they want/need in a partner and then getting out there and finding them. I do not agree that you can ever hope to turn whoever you happen to be with into your perfect partner. It's possible that the OP and his fiance, if they're reasonably compatible in other ways, can (if they're lucky) eventually grow to love one another on a very deep level - but no amount of talking or 'mutual understanding' is going to turn either of them into each other's 'soulmates'.

[hoping2heal]

I'm confused. It's fine and dandy to want a "soulmate" in however realm you define that. What I cannot comprehend is how you keep getting engaged. I mean, an engagement is not like dying your hair. It's not something you just decide to try on and see if you like it for awhile.

 

However, I did see you mention the woman your engaged too isn't all that hip on you either, other for marrying purposes. You both sound like you are planning to buy a piece of real estate together and make a business deal, not get married.

 

I mean, some people do marry for comfort and stability. They don't have a torrid bunch of feelings and emotions for eachother, they just "get along" and that's fine for them. However, I don't think you're that fine with it or you wouldn't be having these soulmate twinges. Soulmate or not - you want passion and you're not going to get it by marrying for sport.

[zakfar]

Yeah! You're right. I have just joined this board and you don't know me. Just in a while, you will find out who am I (I prefer to not mention that myself). I'm one of the enthusiasts debating for 'Free Will', and I have done that with great intensity. You don't know me, but I have written some books as well. Besides, I have assisted and worked with some NGOs who work against 'Domestic Violence' and 'Abusive Relationships' - that includes both, males and females victims. Some people also consider me a Councelor, but I never charge them with money. My motivations are to help people, and that's why I always try to find out the solutions rather than just 'He/she is not right for you - so leave her'. Because I know that people change. Their mentalities change, and many factors become the reason for that. I don't know how much you know about the human psychology. But trust me, anyone can change, and you don't need to even 'Push' them. Besides, if you can never know what are the priorities of others. Some times, they want the things you want, but both of you suffer, as both of you believe that 'He/she won't like it'.

 

LittleTiger, don't forget that the reason of these feelings of sgc can also be due to what Lauriebell82 suggested in first post. If you ask me, the concept of 'Soulmate' is something that you need to study first. This is something confusing for many. He is indeed not saying that she is not 'Right' partner. He mentioned it himself that, 'She is good', 'she is nice', 'She is accepting', and 'She is happy'. This all express his emotions that he likes her. But he does not know why he does not what to marry her. Here, we need to think that 'Why', instead of going for 'Whether she is good or not'.

 

So far, the first post is still the major one in my point of view, as sgc really need to analyze himself first, instead of analyzing his partner. I can't say what can be the consequences of this marriage, and what will happen if someday, he will find someone whom thinks is his 'Soulmate'. If you ask me, I always dislike the concept of soulmate. But I respect the feelings of others. Some people believe that there is someone made them them. He/she is waiting for them. He/she will be like this... this... this... this... I just want him to find out what are those 'this.... this... this... this...' as this is the major thing that will help him to analyze his decision.

 

Ok! I said that you can 'Always' convert your partner in something you want. My point was particularly for the perspective 'Mind', that's directly related to the concept of 'Soulmate'. Obviously, you can't convert anyone. That's so unpractical as well.

 

Choosing partners to spend the rest of the life (at least this is what everyone has when they decide marriage) is not a simple process. Everyone has different priority, and everyone has different tools that they use to make that decision. I will say, so tool is perfect. Anything can fail. And almost any mistake can be worked out. Some things are based on luck too. However, the best way to find out a partner is through the 'Reciprocal Theory'. It's something I have mentioned in my last book as well. I don't want to write it's name, as that somewhat 'Erotic' in nature and is highly 'Explicit' (though the book discusses numerous theoretical aspects of human relationships - entirely from a different perspective).

 

My 'Reciprocal Theory' means that you should find out the partners based on your personal priorities, and not based on what social laws of the society. They should have 'Inversely Similar' desires than you, and you can build a good 'Mutual Understanding' to keep both of you happy. I will prefer to talk about that in greater detail, but I don't think it's appropriate for this board, as it will confuse a lot of people (it's not that simple as it sounds).

 

SGC is worried more about the marriage than about his partner. If he was, he would have cancelled his engagement long ago. People who are suggesting him that 'She is not good' or 'This is dangerous' or 'This cannot work', please understand that he might still marry her. But since the first day with her, he will be thinking 'This cannot work'. So you can expect what will be the consequences for that.

 

Ok! He does not know if she is his 'Soulmate' or not. But how can everyone be sure that she is 'Not'? Maybe she is his soulmate. Maybe she is the one nature has built for him. Maybe she is the one who was waiting for him, trying to find him out one day. So far, they seem to agree to marry each other somewhat like a compromise. But if each of them would read up their minds, they can learn whether the other has the qualities they desire or not. Whether he/she is that 'Soulmate' or not.

 

I hope it explains at least something new.

 

Zakfar.

[orangelady]

Hi,

 

Shouldnt really let my mind run wild with stupid thoughts, but here goes nothing...

 

Well... I always believed in soulmates... finding that person which whom you connected in an amazing way. That made you go that extra mile.... I just got engaged (again) recently....

 

Well the last 2 years have been chaotic... I have gone through like a quarterlife crisis with my job and life... I broke an engagement cos I just felt that it was really wrong for both of us. Needed a lot of strength to do that, cos the girl was so excited about it. She was hurt a lot by it, cos she didnt expect it. But I just felt it was so wrong for both of us. She was a really nice person though, and got married just recently. My family liked her a lot too, and didnt understand why I did that. I got a lot of blame. I felt guilty, and my work suffered. I walked out of my job. Took me like an year to feel better about it.

 

And now I just got engaged again.... There is a lot of pressure to get married quick... and not give me too much time to think this time. All the boxes seem to check. You know what I mean I hope. But I dont know what keeps bugging me. This voice inside keeps telling me to wait for that soulmate. Someone with whom I could just connect.

 

When I was younger, though it wasnt that back either, about 5-6 years ago, I was friends with this girl. She was really crazy. The complete opposite of me. She used to smoke and drink, and I did neither of those, and yet I sort of connected with her so amazingly. We could just talk for hours and hours without getting bored. And on such diverse subjects. She was really smart. And she sort of inspired me in a funny way to look out of the ordinary and try to do something special. But I sort of knew, It was like we couldn't get married. I mean anyhow we were so young then. But parents would never accept her. And I think she wasn't even interested in marriage. I never told her I loved her, I am not sure I did love her. But then she sort of disappeared, and I tried reaching out to her, but just couldn't find her.

 

But when I am most alone on nights like today, I can only think of her, and how she'd laugh at me for being so serious in life. I wonder if she was my soulmate....

 

But I can't break another engagement. I shouldn't be thinking all this crap. But then why did they have this concept of soulmates?

 

I don't get people like you. Some of us are having issues trying to even find someone to date. I don't think I know how to respond to your question so I won't because I could never relate to someone like you. I am here, dying of not being wanted simply for my profile or photo or looks and that's all I know about what love is. People rejecting me for my photo or profile or looks or self esteem.

[sgc]

Well no its not like we r buying real estate together... lol no...

 

You can have doubts or uneasiness creep up anytime. Doesnt that happen after marriage? Doesnt that happen before u get engaged? Doesnt that happen after u get engaged?

 

I liked that Muse story. Maybe thats what it was with that girl way back. She always will be my muse. Inspiring me to do all those silly things.... And writing stuff... I only miss talking to her on nights that I need someone to talk my soul with... Whatever

 

I am sure there are other people who cant relate intellectually or with the soul with their spouses. How do they deal with that?

 

To quote stephan eicher

 

Life is bitter

A kiss could be so sweet

I've got a tattoo inside my eyes

For a girl I'll never meet

 

 

I am going to try my best with this....

[LittleTiger]

Ok! He does not know if she is his 'Soulmate' or not. But how can everyone be sure that she is 'Not'? Maybe she is his soulmate. Maybe she is the one nature has built for him. Maybe she is the one who was waiting for him, trying to find him out one day. So far, they seem to agree to marry each other somewhat like a compromise. But if each of them would read up their minds, they can learn whether the other has the qualities they desire or not. Whether he/she is that 'Soulmate' or not.

 

You're over complicating things zakfar. This is a marriage of convenience - it might work, it might not. The physical and emotional attraction is clearly minimal on both sides, which never bodes well for a lifetime partnership, and leaves them ripe for the plucking when one of them eventually does meet their 'grand passion'.

 

The OP has quite clearly told us that his fiance is not his 'soulmate' as he defines it (which is, after all, the only thing that matters) and the initial point of the thread was about him wanting to find that soulmate.

 

Nobody is saying that she is good or bad, just that if he doesn't feel she's his 'soulmate', then he shouldn't marry her.

[sgc]

As the earlier guy suggested, maybe she has the ability to become my soulmate and I am just not aware about it yet. I would agree its somewat a marriage of convenience as of now, its just good for her and me. But I am sure we both want it to last forever...