proactivedreamer Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I have been obsessing over a relationship that I wasn't done exploring, but has been over for around two months. I have dissected the reasons, but I haven't been able to reconcile with these reasons. People in my life keep telling me that I needed to play the "game", and the reality is I have never been a game player and I really don't know all the rules. They said I was too available and that I wasn't enough of a chase. My question to all of you is, Do men and women have to play games in order to sustain a relationship? And if so, what are the rules?
Romeofud Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Funny you should ask this question. Playing games are for kids. Unless you are one of the rugrats in the schoolyard, games dont apply to you lol. Can you tell me if you're male or female please? And how old are you?
longterm Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Unfortunately sometimes we do. The other in the relationship may think they are only adding spice but they are not. However in this case it is other people telling you that you need to be less available. Trust me, and them, this is good if you can pull it off. Dont totally disconnect from the partner but maybe see less of them for a week or two and see what happens. They know more about this than I do but if you have been too available and the other is perhaps becoming less interested, absolutely become less available. Dont play stupid games if you dont have to though. Games suck. I personally avoid them as much as possible. At least anything too much to take. Anyway, you were rather vague on why you think a game needs or doesn't need to be played in your situation.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I dont like to think of it as games, but a balancing act. You have to make sure you dont call her to much, or push her for exclusivity too fast, or be too nice, or offer too much of yourself in the beginning, or show her that you need her. you cant be too easy. A woman wants to earn your affection. if you just hand it over, it isnt attractive, thats just the way it is. People take advantage of things that they didnt earn. Same goes for relationships.
Author proactivedreamer Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) Well to answer your question ROM...I am a female and I am 24 years old. I am speaking in a general sense in regards to the male-female dynamic when it comes to relationships. People seem to want to play cat and mouse, and I don't know how to do that with men. I am just out of a serious LDR and I went to see him, he never came to see me. I chased him, I suppose. I found out while visiting him abroad that he had played this "game" with me, you know the one? Telling me I was the only one, blah blah bull****...I made it clear, crystal even, that he could be honest with me, after all that is what I wanted, an honest relationship. He was playing games and I didn't know we were and I definitely didn't know the rules. It all turned into a big mess and toward the end of it I felt incredibly insecure, confused, and I think that ultimately led to the dysfunction and break down of the relationship. He pretended with me, and I thought- because I am sensitive, fragile, and not a game player, that what we had was more evolved and profound. I am a big girl I could have handled the truth, whatever that truth was initially, but god I got lost in the whirlwind, and he convinced me that it wasn't a "game".I know the "game" I am referring to seems ambiguous, but we all here know "the game" I am referring to. It's a combination of actions, inaction,words, puzzles, riddles... I don't know I blame it on my youth, at this point, and the mere fact that I just don't get men. Edited April 7, 2011 by proactivedreamer
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I have conflicting feelings about "playing games" when it comes to relationships. I totally get being less available and how that can make someone be more attractive but sometimes I think it just goes overboard. I'm a pretty busy guy between work, school, friends, hobbies, family etc. so I am routinely late in responding to texts/phone calls. But, if I have some down time and I'm just watching TV or not doing anything immediately important I'll answer the phone or text back. I once had a female friend of mine give me advice on a certain girl I was interested in, and she told me that the next time the girl called me to hit ignore on the phone whether I'm available or not, that it would make me more of a challenge to the girl. I'm an adult, purposely avoiding phone calls is not something I consider adult-like behavior. But, then again I've never had any kind of success with women, so maybe my outlook is completely unrealistic.
Romeofud Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Well to answer your question ROM...I am a female and I am 24 years old. I am speaking in a general sense in regards to the male-female dynamic when it comes to relationships. People seem to want to play cat and mouse, and I don't know how to do that with men. I am just out of a serious LDR and I went to see him, he never came to see me. I chased him, I suppose. I found out while visiting him abroad that he had played this "game" with me, you know the one? Telling me I was the only one, blah blah bull****...I made it clear, crystal even, that he could be honest with me, after all that is what I wanted, an honest relationship. He was playing games and I didn't know we were and I definitely didn't know the rules. It all turned into a big mess and toward the end of it I felt incredibly insecure, confused, and I think that ultimately led to the dysfunction and break down of the relationship. He pretended with me, and I thought- because I am sensitive, fragile, and not a game player, that what we had was more evolved and profound. I am a big girl I could have handled the truth, whatever that truth was initially, but god I got lost in the whirlwind, and he convinced me that it wasn't a "game".I know the "game" I am referring to seems ambiguous, but we all here know "the game" I am referring to. It's a combination of actions, inaction,words, puzzles, riddles... I don't know I blame it on my youth, at this point, and the mere fact that I just don't get men. I see...well, this is why it's always a good idea to establish what it is that you want from a relationship right from the get. It's rare to see a woman only 24 come on here and mention something about people playing games. It's usually a guy-thing to complain about the women doing that because they're better known to be indirect to the opposite gender, which in turn, makes it feel like a head game. It's all circumstantial. I'm pretty blunt about what I want. If a girl asks me upfront, she will hear it right on the spot lol. But the more important thing, OP, is what is it you really want right now? Once you figure that out, you can dodge all of the bullets and save yourself less hassle. Being direct, but tactful, I believe is the best way to go in any situation. And it's the biggest deterrence to the game-players.
fishtaco Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Mind games like this exist for a reason. They work. The difficulty is, while they work, they only work sometimes. It all comes down to having the experience to make the judgement call. What games should you play? To what degree? Should you even play at all? And Romeofud is absolutely correct. Games needs a certain ambiguity in order to function. If you are direct, you kill the game. If you're tactful as well, you kill the game without generating negativity. If you don't like games, don't play. Your success ratio may suffer a bit, but I don't think it'd be significant. Since there are no black & white in the world, people usually sit somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. Also, dating is a number game. This "game" has a different meaning, this is another word overloaded with too many different meanings. By this I mean just that; it's about quantities and percentages, as opposed to some sort of mind game technique. If one drops off, don't blame yourself, go get another one. Eventually you'll find a match, whether you're looking for game player or not. You may also want to try multidating. Multidating reduces the effectiveness of some of the games that people play. But it's also not for everyone.
HeartOnSleeve Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 ProvacativeDreamer....you are right on! I've been saying this since I started dating again the last year. It's crazy the things we do or hold back from becuase we are told by society that we shouldn't. "play the game" we are told...to make them want us more. I dated one guy that said he liked the "chase" and I was too "easy" in a sense of availiablilty and expressing how I felt about him; and trust me I wasn't going overboard either. Then I started dating another guy recently who is the exact opposite and wants to hear that I want to see him, etc. etc. I mean it's all over the board. Men and women say they don't want games yet, as a woman I am told to not be too availiable, to not say I love you first, and too not act desperate. If I am into someone...why must I hold back. Now I am losing the current relationship becuase I didn't show him I was into him becuase I was burned by the guy who wanted to play games. There are no rules, there are no mind games, I'm just going to lead with my gut from now on. It's exhuasting worrying about what step or game to play next. Dating is just dating! Good luck and follow our heart!
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