New LDR: He wants to cyber. What do I do if I'm not comfortable!?

[Egychick]

I've met this guy about a month ago. He lives in Malaysia, and I live in Egypt. We have hit off beautifully in this time. I know it's crazy, but I never felt like I met "the one" until I met him. And to meet someone who feels just as strongly about me as I do him, is the first time that has happened in my life. He feels I'm the one he has been looking for. He is planning his future around me. Ya, it's fast, but we are taking this time until we meet to get to know each other. He always keeps his promises, and lets me know if he is late or always lets me know what's going on. We really want to give this thing a shot. But sex is important....I know this. What do you do, when you can't help him in that?

 

That said, I'm from the West but spent many years living in a conservative society while also being raised in a conservative family all my life. So, I'm shy when it comes to sex. It has also affected my self-confidence. In reality, I can open up. But when you do this cyber thing online...it's different.

 

Anyway, he wants to try it. I've always dated guys who were on the conservative side...and didn't put such pressure on me to have sex. In fact, if I did it, I would be risking disrespect. But in this case, he is not conservative, and I risk him being bored and giving up on me if I'm not adventurous. What can I do? I don't want to lose this guy. I'm trying to visit Malaysia in June...but he can't come to see me until the end of the summer or even until the end of the year! These are his words:

 

ive never done it boo to be real

ive always heard its gud for long distance relationship

and i was like if two ppl r actually dating, they can do it

its not real, but there is feelings

bt now, i knw i cnt try it, so its ok

 

He seems mad at me and disappointed! What should I do? Should I try? I need help plssssss!!!

Edited April 7, 2011 by Egychick

[HeavenOrHell]

A partner should NEVER pressure their partner into sex, I would not want to be with someone if they pressured me, it is disrespectful.

Is it just confidence holding you back and you do want cyber sex? Or are you not interested in cyber sex? Cyber sex isn't for everyone. Just don't do it just to please him, you have to want it as well.

You might not be sexually compatible, if you're not then this could be a deal breaker, unless you are compatible in other ways, it depends what his and your priorities are.

Not sure what this means >ive never done it boo to be real<

 

My reply is in response to your first unedited message

 

 

 

 

I've met this guy about a month ago. He lives in Malaysia, and I live in Egypt. We have hit off beautifully in this time. I know it's crazy, but I never felt like I met "the one" until I met him. And to meet someone who feels just as strongly about me as I do him, is the first time that has happened in my life. He feels I'm the one he has been looking for. He is planning his future around me. Ya, it's fast, but we are taking this time until we meet to get to know each other. He always keeps his promises, and lets me know if he is late or always lets me know what's going on. We really want to give this thing a shot. But sex is important....I know this. What do you do, when you can't help him in that?

 

That said, I'm from the West but spent many years living in a conservative society while also being raised in a conservative family all my life. So, I'm shy when it comes to sex. It has also affected my self-confidence. In reality, I can open up. But when you do this cyber thing online...it's different.

 

Anyway, he wants to try it. I've always dated guys who were on the conservative side...and didn't put such pressure on me to have sex. In fact, if I did it, I would be risking disrespect. But in this case, he is not conservative, and I risk him being bored and giving up on me if I'm not adventurous. What can I do? I don't want to lose this guy. I'm trying to visit Malaysia in June...but he can't come to see me until the end of the summer or even until the end of the year! These are his words:

 

ive never done it boo to be real

ive always heard its gud for long distance relationship

and i was like if two ppl r actually dating, they can do it

its not real, but there is feelings

bt now, i knw i cnt try it, so its ok

 

He seems mad at me and disappointed! What should I do? Should I try? I need help plssssss!!!

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm assuming you have actually met?

[Egychick]

I want to do it, and try it with him. But I am not confident. He is REALLY self-confident. Me I am self-conscious about my body and in reality I am more comfortable and I feed off the guys energy. And in speaking about it, I feel like I don't have the words. I can't talk about sexually compatible, as we have not met yet in person. If we met in person, I am sure I'd be open with him completely.

 

But we have to get to that point. I am afraid that w/o the cybering, he will think he has nothing to look forward to, and give up on me before we even meet.

[Taucher]

Me and my SO had a fantastic sex life for 9 months we were together, frequent and spontanious and adventurous and mind-blowing, really.

 

But neither of us are into Cyber-ing. We have discussed it and we both feel the same. Sometimes we talk about what we will do for and with each other when we are together but never the whole thing where you describe what you are doing to get the other one off.

 

He should respect you if you dont feel comfortable. Not wanting to cyber is not, in my opinion, a sign you are not compatible. Him not respecting your decision is more of a sign. And personally, cybering with someone I have not met would be even harder for me.

 

T

[hoping2heal]

He seems mad at me and disappointed! What should I do? Should I try? I need help plssssss!!!

 

Okay, if your partner, male or female; begins acting like they are mad or dissapointed with you because you are not sexual with them, that is the FIRST clue that this relationship is not going anywhere good, fast. Yes, sex is important but people are not furniture. It has only been a month, and it's great he keeps his word but he needs to do that consistent proving a lot longer than a month, and where he is headed right now with his behavior is anything but that.

[LittleTiger]

I would advise very strongly against cyber-sex with a man you have never actually met.

 

You may think you know him and trust him and feel attracted to him but there is a possibility, however small, that you will not be attracted to him when you meet IRL.

 

Imagine how you will feel meeting him for the first time and deciding there is no sexual chemistry - and yet you have already been sexual with him. :(

 

Bad idea! VERY bad idea!

 

(I also second what hoping2heal said)

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, it's more of a sign they're not compatible if he's not respecting her or is pressuring her, rather than not being compatible if he wants cyber sex and she doesn't, however it might mean they're sexually incompatible in the sense that he might look elsewhere if she's not into it, she might not be compatible to him, might be a dealbreaker for him, whereas for you of for me no way would this be a dealbreaker.

 

 

He should respect you if you dont feel comfortable. Not wanting to cyber is not, in my opinion, a sign you are not compatible. Him not respecting your decision is more of a sign. And personally, cybering with someone I have not met would be even harder for me.

 

T

[Egychick]

I posted this thread after he and I finished talking. It was late at night....and we just ended it there...and he was dead tired. So I haven't talked to him yet about it and how he feels now that he knows I'm not comfortable with it.

 

I guess he is not mad or disappointed enough to not continue. I just think we both feel frustrated as we don't know how we will deal with the distance. But I guess the test is...how much he really does feel about me and if he is willing to be patient until we meet. Because he is sooo attractive, he can get anyone he wants...but if he wants me and me only, I guess we'll have to work it out somehow.

 

But you are right, I shouldn't have cyber with him, if we haven't met yet. How can I have the trust and comfort to do something like that with someone I haven't connected with in reality...it doesn't make sense.

[folieadeux]

You should never do anything you're not comfortable with regardless. I also agree you should actually meet in person first.