mysoulsearch Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I began to go over and over every moment of the relationship with my ex-girlfriend, searching for some clue that might enlighten me, that might help me make sense of all that had taken place. I sorted through the now painful memories of times I'd spent with this woman in which I'd spent with this woman in which I'd felt so much love, connections we'd during which I'd felt so much connection. Had I been deluding myself completely, living in a total dream world, making up the emotions I thought I was experiencing? I knew this wasn't true, that I had felt love, I had felt joy, I had felt ecstasy. At the time, I 'd sure that she was feeling that same love. Of course, now I knew that wasn't the case. So I ask myself, "If she wasn't actually giving you that love, then where was that love you were feeding coming from?" I felt love in the relationship with Melissa..but Melissa's action weren't loving. If she wasn't giving you that love, then where was the love you were feeding coming from? When I'd felt all that love, whose love was I feeling? Mine. Whose joy was I feeling? Mine. Whose ecstasy was I feeling? Mine. I wasn't feeling her love, because it hadn't existed in the way I thought it did. I wasn't feeling loved my her, because she wasn't loving me in the way I thought she was. It was all my own love! My mind had assigned my love to this person, as if she was the source of it. But as I discovered, she wasn't the source of it. In fact, she was hardly participating in the process at all. I was source of the love I was feeding. If I was the source of my love for her, then I've always been the source of all the love I've ever felt. As I look back on every relationship I'd ever bad. Wasn't it always my own love that I was feeling? I would meet someone and she would do the right things or say the right things that gave my mind "permission" to decide I loved her. Then, I would start feeling all this love. But the other person hadn't actually given me anything. I had simply decided to allow myself to feel that love. If this person had never been the source of the love I felt, then when she decided to leave my life, what had I truly lost? Nothing. Was I less lovable because she was no longer in my life? Did I have less love inside of me? No. So what was different? She had stopped doing certain things or saying certain things that had given me permission to feel the love and I had concluded: "I don't feel loved by her own love anymore. I had decided to stop experiencing all the love because she wasn't around to bounce it off of, to focus it on. I was the one who was taking the experience of love away from myself. I was the one who decided I was lovable when I though she was loving me, so I allowed myself to feel happy and in love. Then, she gone and I concluded that I must be unlovable and decided to not allow myself to feel happy and in love. But nothing had really changed--it was game my own mind was playing with itself. For the first time in my life, I realized I was in love, not with anyone just in the state love. I recognized this feelings. I Imagine you have a partner right now and she does something to show you her love -- she put her arms around you, or kisses you and say something sweet, or give you a thoughtful gift. You feel this rush of love rise up in your heart, right? Ask yourself. Did she just give you anything? Was it as if you got an injection of love into your body? Did she take a jug of love, open your mouth, and pour it down your throat? Did she add something like a chip in your brain that made you feel loved? Did she put love inside of you? What did that person actually give you? Nothing. So why are you feeling more love in that moment? Because she did something that you are using as an opportunity to feel more of your own love that's always been there. No one can ever add to your love, and no one can ever subtract from love, You already have an infinite supply. We all have secret mental lists of what qualities are necessary for us to assign our experience of love to others. The problem with this is that it gives the other person the responsibility for making you feel in love, making you feel happy from moment to moment. This is why you get angry at your partner when she does things you don't like. She is taking away your excuse to love her, "I was enjoying loving her so much, " your mind thinks with sigh, "but she just said something really stupid and now I can't feel love anymore--at least not says or does something that give me an excuse to feel the love again. I'm not saying you should like everything a partner does, but to turn the love off and on because she didn't fulfill your expectation is just a game your mind is playing with itself. Most of us believe that we need to be in an intimate relationship before we can be "in love". We think another person is necessary. In fact, the opposite is true, learning how to be "in love" by ourselves with ourselves will allow us to experience true love for the first time. If we wait to be in love until you meet a special someone, you're going to be in trouble. Why? Because if you're not in love and she's not in love and you're each hoping the other person will make you feel in love, you'll end up disappointed and resentful. NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU LOVE YOU'RE NOT ALREADY FEELING. NO ONE CAN FILL YOU WITH ANYTHING YOU DON'T ALREADY POSSESS. You should be in love before you go out on a date. When someone who is also in love meets you or sees you, you can be in love together. Side by side, you can celebrate the miracle of the love. Love is never actually exchanged,>>>you don't give it and your partner doesn't receive it. Rather, both of you agree to feel your won love at the same time. Love isn't something we can actually get from anyone else, it's a state that we are either in or we are not. When you begin to have this kind of inner relationship with yourself, you realize that being "in love" is a state that you can experience no matter what's happening around you. If someone is there to be in love with you, that's great, and if you're alone, you can still be in love. And is your have a partner but she is in a bad mood, or not feeling her love own love, you can still feel your own love, and enjoy your own love. Have you ever tried to love someone who did not want to receive your love or who was afraid to open up? You give and give and you pour your heart and soul into the relationship, but it's as if she is impervious to all you're offering. Perhaps years go by, and at the end, it seem like she didn't absorb on drop of your love, as if it drained right through she onto the floor. At the end of this type of relationship, you feel emotionally exhausted and your mate walks away as if she didn't feel any more love in her heart than on day one. And you feel like a failure because your love didn't make a difference. Your love cannot do anything but be an excuse for someone else to feel the love she already has for herself. Remember, you can't ever anybody love they are not already feeling, no matter how hard you try. You can't really make another person feel loved. If she isn't capable of loving herself in the first place, she's not going to feel loved by you, either. I had a very deep connection with Melissa and I felt great love for her. And yes, I wanted to help her. It soon became apparent that our relationship was one big power struggle---i would try to love her and she would push my love away. I remember dozen of times, sitting in front of her, tears streaming down my face, pleading with her to let my love in. Last few weeks I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in my bedroom. I felt overcome by grief, I was crying because I felt my love hadn't healed this person I cared for, I was crying because I hadn't been able to fill her heart, I was crying because I felt I had failed. And one of my ex-girl friend told me...You loved her more than she loves herself. My love for my partner had made her feel inadequate. I saw things in her she couldn't live up to, couldn't see in herself. My love became a reminder of her failure to love herself and she end up resenting me for the very love she wanted so desperately. She didn't love herself and no matter how much of my own love. I felt in her presence, no matter how much I could the love inside of her, it made no difference. Nothing I did could make a difference. We think our love can leave our heart and go into people, like a transfusion that will give them new life, but it can't. Your love can call out to someone else's love wake ti from deep sleep, but ti can't actually be exchanged and fill someone's emptiness.
moimeme Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I don't know about 'most important', but yours is a very insightful - and heartbreaking post. You said: I was crying because I felt my love hadn't healed this person I cared for and no matter how much I could the love inside of her, it made no difference. Nothing I did could make a difference. We think our love can leave our heart and go into people, like a transfusion that will give them new life, but it can't. Your love can call out to someone else's love wake ti from deep sleep, but ti can't actually be exchanged and fill someone's emptiness. Both went right through me. I have felt exactly the same way - and still do. I still want to believe in the healing power of love, but, as you say, you can pour immense amounts of love into someone, but unless they are able to accept it, it's futile. I felt I had failed I know that feeling too well. It's made worse for me by the fact that there have been times when my affection has had a positive effect; so then I think perhaps that might always be the case. It's not, of course, about setting out to heal people; it's just that when you find out that somebody you care for a great deal has some unhealed pain, in your wish for that person's happiness, you would hope that somehow you could remove that pain. It's a very, very hard lesson to learn that sometimes that's just not possible.
Recommended Posts