Fond memories of my innocence.

[Baroness67]

I know exactly what the OP is talking about. For me, it is not necessarily a loss of innocence than it was the soul crushing realization that I could follow all the right steps (marry someone from a good, close, solid, religious family on purpose), feel like I did everything for the family and kids, letting him build his career (like his mom did for his dad, which he used to put her on a pedestal for) and then seeing him come into success his dad never had -- and it all went out the window.

 

He was superman, he didn't need ordinary rules. His dad that he had worshipped turned into a sad old sack who was no longer the good church-going provider. He was he guy who had 'limited vision' who was 'dead while still living' because all he did was spend time with 'the grandkids.'

 

I remember my husband saying he would rather die in a car crash than end up 'like his dad' -- fate worse than death, being old and spending time with the grandchildren. !!!

 

As you can imagine, the death of my dream and innocence, which was that if you care and love your kids enough and raise them 'right', you can see them turn into good people. I'll never again really believe that you can do everything with good will and not still have bad come back to you. Strangely, I read a lot of Mormon blogs, as this seems to be their belief, that right living brings blessings, but honestly now I see through the cracks.

 

And that is the Loss of my innocence.

Edited April 7, 2011 by Baroness67

[PhoenixRise]

Interesting responses!

 

I guess I'm a little different in that I'm glad my innocence has been stripped away. Never again will I be blindsided by the unthinkable.

 

I've learned that the things I assumed would never happen can and did happen. And I'm not just talking about what happened in my marriage. I've had a very difficult last few years and my H's affair was at the epicenter but by far not the only thing I dealt with.

 

So I'm very glad that I will I never again be so ill-prepared to handle the unexpected painful times that life dishes out sometimes.

 

I won't be caught unaware.

 

I'm wiser now. Maybe I'm jaded/cynical, I don't know.

 

I agree with this completely.

 

While that innocence I had pre-affair felt really really good. I wouldn't go back to it if given the option.

 

I don't think I am jaded, I do think I am more aware.

 

I get what the OP is saying though. It is kinda sad that so many people HAVE to become less innocent due to the actions of others.

[ladydesigner]

I have never known a man (in my life) that has not cheated unfortunately. Every boyfriend I had, had done it, knew it could be a possibility in M, and sure enough my H cheated. Never thought I would do the same, but ended up becoming a cheater myself out of misplaced anger towards my H.

 

I would have loved to have known this innocence spoken of in M and relationships, but I guess I am with many of the posters here in that I am happy I am not blind to it either.

[PhoenixRise]

I have never known a man (in my life) that has not cheated unfortunately. Every boyfriend I had, had done it, knew it could be a possibility in M, and sure enough my H cheated. Never thought I would do the same, but ended up becoming a cheater myself out of misplaced anger towards my H.

 

I would have loved to have known this innocence spoken of in M and relationships, but I guess I am with many of the posters here in that I am happy I am not blind to it either.

 

 

I know/knew many men and women who cheated.

 

I just thought my husband was different. That his character and integrity wouldn't allow him to deceive me so completely.

 

I thought our relationship was different. We loved each other you see. We talked to each other. We were each other's best friend. It never even entered my mind that he could cheat because we were different.

[ComputerJock]

Frozensprouts, thanks for your thoughts, but to be blunt he is still a cheater and I don't really know if doing good deeds absolves someone of doing evil deeds. Like your picture, my late mother loved that show.

[bentnotbroken]

I too am glad that my glasses got smashed. My childhood opened my eyes to many things, but I believed Mr. Messy to be the one to open up to...especially after our agreement about cheating. Never again. I feel light though. Like that I am capable of all the things that I put aside to be a wife and mother..that is good.

[dreamingoftigers]

God that struck a chord.

I hate that I have such ingrained skepticism now.

 

Me too.

 

Me too!

 

I too had a dysfunctional childhood, went to therapy to deal with it, and married the only man on the planet I felt truly safe with.

 

I soooo believed we would be the different ones; we would weather everything together; we had ALWAYS been each other's best friend.

 

I would give anything if my husband's actions had only been one night or moment of sheer stupidity instead of a reflection of how deep his inner conflicts and selfishness are.

 

Oh man, how I relate to this. I wonder if everybody starts out thinking "ours is the one for the record books.." I sure did.

 

For me, I definitely lost my innocence (and yes, kept it well into adulthood...) but I don't feel so much bitter as world-weary. A little sad sometimes, although not always. Just a calm realism - this is how things really are, this is how many broken people there are all around me, this is how many people are really not as OK as I used to think...

 

It scares me how many people are a little borked in the head. I used to think that the vast majority of people had it mostly together.

 

Yeah - for me I don't know if it will ever come back. I sorta don't feel like it will. Maybe even a little sadder - I'm not sure if I want it to, I got hurt so badly by it last time.

 

Uh-huh.

 

Cheating does make one a bad person, no matter how much money they raised for their charity or their successful company. They still treated their SO or BS very poorly.

 

I think that it makes them extremely short-sighted in most cases and often unable to see their partner's pain. IME most figure that their partner will be "angry" or "mad" but not hurt.

 

They are often wrong.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess everything in life can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you look at it.

 

I guess the blessing is that I can raise my daughter with more realistic expectations so that she can lead a more fulfilling life.

[Eve]

Can I ask how many of you have new relationships and how the things you have spoken about effect the new relationship.

 

You see, I can understand the need to reflect.. but we all know what can happen if you look at your reflection for too long.

 

Thanks.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Trimmer]

Can I ask how many of you have new relationships and how the things you have spoken about effect the new relationship.

 

You see, I can understand the need to reflect.. but we all know what can happen if you look at your reflection for too long.

Interesting question - We committed to our split (odd way to put it, I know...) in 2005, and lived separately since early 2006, finalized the divorce in 2008. No wavering or back and forth, once we decided in '05, just took our time getting the paperwork done.

 

I was pretty numb for those years. In the last couple years, I've dated a couple times, had some nice, tender, respectful, emotinally intimate times. But nothing I would consider a committed relationship.

 

It's not because I spend all my time reflecting (although that's a good point...) but I'm now a part-time single father to 2 kids - or put it this way, exactly one-half the time, I'm a full-time single father, and the other half the time, I'm trying to catch up in my business because of the first half... I've got good connections around me in my social group and I'm decently integrated into my community, so I'm feeling pretty healthy.

 

But when I think about a committed relationship, I still feel a little - I don't know. I've never looked at that as "go find someone to fill my life", but rather that I'm going to have a good, full life, and if I meet someone that I want to join up with I will, but if I don't meet someone, I won't, and that's just fine, too, if things turn out that way...

 

So, sorry about being all "me me me..." here - can't help it; this thread has really raised some of these "reflective" issues for me - but in direct answer to your question, I don't have a new relationship at this point, but yes, I think the things we're talking about here may well affect the fact that I don't have one...

 

- T

[threebyfate]

How can I regret the loss of my innocence when now, I'm married to a much, much better man than the ex-husband?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I feel bitterly jealous when I see marital partners that still have that relational innocence, and you can really tell when they do. I wish that I could have lived the rest of my life like that.

 

This is the reason why I don't think I could ever forgive infidelity. I want that innocence to be preserved.

 

I can't help it but every time I see Hillary Clinton, the first thing I think about is Bill's cheating. If I see pictures of Hillary and Bill at their daughter's wedding, the image is flawed in my eyes. Plus I have the impression that I see bitterness in Hillary at such occasions. I would not want to look like that as a couple...

[Woggle]

I am the same way. Despite the abuse I suffered from my mother I trusted my ex completely and never doubted her once until she turned on me. He betrayal has caused me to be suspicious of woman and despite therapy and trying damn hard not to be sometimes I figure it is only a matter of time before my current wife turns on me. I really hate feeling like this and I wish I could erase the memory of my first marriage but sometimes I feel like it is similiar to asking a kid to believe in Santa Claus again.

 

I look at women laughing with friends and I assume they are talking about their affairs and when i see women out with men I assume that she secretly resents him and wants a divorce. When I hear about a man proposing or a couple getting married I roll my eyes because I can picture him in ten to 15 years getting the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. Sometimes I wonder if women are even capable of truly loving a man.

 

I know logically that this is not true but it does not take much for my defenses to go up. This is why I take such a hard line against cheating affairs. Just look at this thread as proof of what it does to people who witness it and experience it. I really hope one day to regain that innocence back but it is damn hard to do once you lose it.

[jthorne]

Well, I guess I've lived a relatively sheltered life. I never knew there were so many ugly black-hearted people out there in the world until I came to LS.

[greengoddess]

Well, I guess I've lived a relatively sheltered life. I never knew there were so many ugly black-hearted people out there in the world until I came to LS.

 

 

yup it was very eye opening.

[Linda9999]

Something else that I just realized it has done to me is to make me very apprehensive about my childrens future relationships. One of my sons is currently involved with a childhood sweetheart. It's a storybook romance - they went to school grades 1 to 6 and held hands and stuff, then we moved and they lost touch, then after they graduated grade 12 they hooked up on facebook. They adore each other, but have only been together about 6 months. My son is so happy, and I just want that to go on forever for him, but I know it won't. I find myself wanting to warn him about things, and I have done so lightly with him (we talk about all kinds of stuff - he tells me more than I sometimes want to know!) but I don't tell him my deepest fears for him, like that he will cheat on her or vice versa. He doesn't have ANY details about what my husband did to me and I don't want him to.

[2.50 a gallon]

Eve

 

After the break up of my marriage, I found that I no longer trusted any woman. I did lots of dating, but I distrusted love.

 

When love did come knocking, as it almost always does, I would see it coming down the front sidewalk and be out the back door, into my car and already into fourth gear on the freeway of life before love even had a chance to knock.

 

By that I mean that if I felt that I could get involved with her, I ran, and the only relationships that I let go past a few months were those that never had a chance.

 

Then I met a woman who was just as troubled as myself. She had been in an abusive marriage and at that time had been living with a younger man for several years. He had develped a drug problem and they were separated while he got clean, which she knew would be a minimum of 6 months to a year.

 

Not wanting to go without for all that time she selected me to be her FWB's during their hiatus.

 

She was quite a few years younger than me, and in looks totally out of my league. Once she came back into the market she had lots of pursuers. All taller, she likes them tall and tough, all younger, and once of them Mr. Corvette, a very rich dude.

 

She chose me, as she did not see me as a threat.

 

After 15 years of wall building I thought I was safe. Love caught me off guard with our first kiss. I really did not think that we had a chance, but I was already on the road to another big hurt, so why not give it my all.

 

A little over 6 months later he came back and she told him it was too late.

 

That was 15 years ago, and our love keeps growing daily. We were still both hesitant 10 years later when we finally decided due to finances it would be best if we moved in together.

 

That was 5 years ago. We both over each other to the max, but both agree that neither of use want to ever marry again.

 

I love and trust her completely. If she would need hundreds of dollars tomorrow, I would give it to her with no questions about repaying. I trust her that much. But both of us know that it can all go to hell over night, so both of us work on us daily. Lots of kissing, hand holding, ILY's daily, along with planning and doing things in the future.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Love caught me off guard with our first kiss. I really did not think that we had a chance, but I was already on the road to another big hurt, so why not give it my all.

 

A little over 6 months later he came back and she told him it was too late.

 

That was 15 years ago, and our love keeps growing daily. We were still both hesitant 10 years later when we finally decided due to finances it would be best if we moved in together.

 

That was 5 years ago. We both over each other to the max, but both agree that neither of use want to ever marry again.

 

I love and trust her completely. If she would need hundreds of dollars tomorrow, I would give it to her with no questions about repaying. I trust her that much. But both of us know that it can all go to hell over night, so both of us work on us daily. Lots of kissing, hand holding, ILY's daily, along with planning and doing things in the future.

 

Maybe this is a much better and realistic way of starting a relationship. Whereby you take it one day at a time and go with the flow. Not like all these youngsters who take vows when they still don't know who they and then keep each other hostage a whole life because of these vows: "You have to stay in this marriage because I am entitled to be with you since you took your vows."

 

I once read about a couple who from the start did an evaluation of their relationship every 6 months: "Do you still want to be in this relationship? Does it still work for you?" More than 20 years later they were still together.

[Eve]

Eve

 

After the break up of my marriage, I found that I no longer trusted any woman. I did lots of dating, but I distrusted love.

 

When love did come knocking, as it almost always does, I would see it coming down the front sidewalk and be out the back door, into my car and already into fourth gear on the freeway of life before love even had a chance to knock.

 

By that I mean that if I felt that I could get involved with her, I ran, and the only relationships that I let go past a few months were those that never had a chance.

 

Then I met a woman who was just as troubled as myself. She had been in an abusive marriage and at that time had been living with a younger man for several years. He had develped a drug problem and they were separated while he got clean, which she knew would be a minimum of 6 months to a year.

 

Not wanting to go without for all that time she selected me to be her FWB's during their hiatus.

 

She was quite a few years younger than me, and in looks totally out of my league. Once she came back into the market she had lots of pursuers. All taller, she likes them tall and tough, all younger, and once of them Mr. Corvette, a very rich dude.

 

She chose me, as she did not see me as a threat.

 

After 15 years of wall building I thought I was safe. Love caught me off guard with our first kiss. I really did not think that we had a chance, but I was already on the road to another big hurt, so why not give it my all.

 

A little over 6 months later he came back and she told him it was too late.

 

That was 15 years ago, and our love keeps growing daily. We were still both hesitant 10 years later when we finally decided due to finances it would be best if we moved in together.

 

That was 5 years ago. We both over each other to the max, but both agree that neither of use want to ever marry again.

 

I love and trust her completely. If she would need hundreds of dollars tomorrow, I would give it to her with no questions about repaying. I trust her that much. But both of us know that it can all go to hell over night, so both of us work on us daily. Lots of kissing, hand holding, ILY's daily, along with planning and doing things in the future.

 

Beautiful. Actually got me a bit teared up..

 

Gosh, what can I say? Daily reflections are the way to go methinks. I am glad that you are happy. I feel SO happy for you both!

 

I do think that I would be very hurt if my marriage was to go to **** but I think I could love again because I like it! I seriously doubt that I would marry again. That space has been taken by my lovely Hubby... but you know what they say... never say never and all that!

 

Life is a funny thing. The past relationships of mine that didn't work out I have honoured in simple ways by keeping something good from that time. I gave what I gave willingly and freely and loved them... but that love was mine to give. I feel that if I lose that ability I will lose part of myself. I suppose innocence to me equals freedom. I will not carry hurts around.

 

My life has been super messed up, like MEGA messed up growing up. The one clear thing I have noticed consistently along my journey is that the most damaged were the ones who had shut down from love. Many couldn't help it, some thrived on the attention this bought but I swore to myself that one day I would find love and live it.

 

I know that people can be hurtful but I think this is how it has always been and finding love in this world is not a right. So, if you find it treat it kindly and it stays and grows. It just may not continue to grow with the person you had in mind..

 

.. H'mm.. I do think that sometimes we have to be hurt before we can find love and give it it's true space. Even if it is to continue to love an animal or a child, I think that helps but I resolutely believe that it is not supposed to be reserved for 'marriage'. It is kind of supposed to be who you are, if you know what I mean.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Eve]

Interesting question - We committed to our split (odd way to put it, I know...) in 2005, and lived separately since early 2006, finalized the divorce in 2008. No wavering or back and forth, once we decided in '05, just took our time getting the paperwork done.

 

I was pretty numb for those years. In the last couple years, I've dated a couple times, had some nice, tender, respectful, emotinally intimate times. But nothing I would consider a committed relationship.

 

It's not because I spend all my time reflecting (although that's a good point...) but I'm now a part-time single father to 2 kids - or put it this way, exactly one-half the time, I'm a full-time single father, and the other half the time, I'm trying to catch up in my business because of the first half... I've got good connections around me in my social group and I'm decently integrated into my community, so I'm feeling pretty healthy.

 

But when I think about a committed relationship, I still feel a little - I don't know. I've never looked at that as "go find someone to fill my life", but rather that I'm going to have a good, full life, and if I meet someone that I want to join up with I will, but if I don't meet someone, I won't, and that's just fine, too, if things turn out that way...

 

So, sorry about being all "me me me..." here - can't help it; this thread has really raised some of these "reflective" issues for me - but in direct answer to your question, I don't have a new relationship at this point, but yes, I think the things we're talking about here may well affect the fact that I don't have one...

- T

 

Sorry I am a bit thick sometimes... do you mean you will continue on now and not have a relationship because of what has been discussed here?

 

I can only offer a few hugs.

 

As much as I loved my past loves, when it was over, it was over. In many respects it was a relief to be free..

 

I can comprehend a couple of years doing my own thing but come on Trimmer, we are talking 2008. Aren't you horny?

 

Has your ex moved on?

 

Just be careful you don't fall into the reflection. Please be careful. I have seen people become like the living dead because of past hurts.

 

If I were you I would have a mini funeral for the ex and let yourself be.

 

Glad you are with your children. My Hubbys ex tried to destroy his relationship with his kids. Didn't work but I don't even understand how someone could actually try and twist a childs mind.

 

Take care,

Eve x