greengoddess Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I have such fond memories of a time not to long ago where I thought everyone was basically good. That the good people you saw in life really were good people. That was before I learned how common affairs were and then I found loveshack through my investigations of the mindset of someone who would get involved with a married person or of the mindset of a married family person getting involved with an other person. From reading here that innocence is shattered. I see a man happily chatting and giggling on his cell phone and I think oh he is probably talking to his girlfriend. I see a couple meet in a parking lot for a quick hug and I think oh they are probably married to other people. Every day innocent thoughts have been taken from me. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or if it is sad I have become so jaded.
confusedinkansas Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Many will disagree with me But - I don't think that just because someone cheated it makes them a BAD person. There are a lot of good people in this world that have at one time cheated. Jaded.. Yes, Many of us are. Even those of us that did do the cheating. I've thought of the scenarios that you mention here myself. But it doesn't mean that those people are bad. They've made a bad decision.
ComputerJock Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Good people do bad things like lie and cheat on the SO's, when they do they become bad people and hurt others. It sickens me to read I'M GOOD PERSON WHO HAS HAD AN AFFAIR. Your not good, your bad, evil, and hurtful.
seren Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I have such fond memories of a time not to long ago where I thought everyone was basically good. That the good people you saw in life really were good people. That was before I learned how common affairs were and then I found loveshack through my investigations of the mindset of someone who would get involved with a married person or of the mindset of a married family person getting involved with an other person. From reading here that innocence is shattered. I see a man happily chatting and giggling on his cell phone and I think oh he is probably talking to his girlfriend. I see a couple meet in a parking lot for a quick hug and I think oh they are probably married to other people. Every day innocent thoughts have been taken from me. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or if it is sad I have become so jaded. I can so relate to this, and while I don't think that everyone who has an A is a bad person and agree that they made bad choices, I think that all A's are bad as there will always be a person who hurts because of them. My loss of the tra la la view of love is one of the things that hurts my H to realise that the A took that away. I had absolute belief that we were one of the very lucky one's that had the moonlight and roses for so long and often feel very naive to have believed that. It is slowly returning and I absolutely love the bones of the man, but the tra la la thing I miss so much. I think it's called blind faith and absolute trust and that I miss.
Owl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I lost blind faith in humanity as a general when I was 15. The loss of the "blind faith" in my wife and my marriage doesn't "bother" me at all...I sometimes look back and wonder how I could have been that foolhardy in that one particular aspect of my life when I've been well aware of what people are capable of. It is what it is. I'm still me, she's still her, and we still love each other. We're just a little wiser now than we were before.
What_Next Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I understand where you are coming from, but this can apply in many aspects. CIK it doesn't make them a "bad" person no, it is a BAD decision. Then again some feel the need to try and justify cheating, which can NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER be justified.
BB07 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 GG I understand your post, I really do but when I read it, my thoughts were that you should consider yourself lucky that you were able to keep that innocence factor well into adulthood. Some of us had it stripped away when we were still children.
Eve Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I see it as there are just different types of people out there. Some are wired to cheat, some aren't. Broken down further, for some a broken relationship is a symptom of a maturity issue but some have had a considerable chunk of something human missing from their heart previous to the relationship. Nah, all in all, the out right cheaters who I have known, Hubbys ex, couple of work colleagues, up close are not worthy of losing faith in anything, least of all marriage! I have also noted that they move in similar groupings; Hubbys ex has friends who are also cheaters.. which is a bit weird if you ask me. They weren't even nice to each other! Just outdoing each other in who they had screwed out of money. I could tell some stories about some pretty dark **** I have seen in some middle classed households.. What I have learned is to accept that some people really and truly do not care what other people think, or whether they have hurt someone. I think once this is accepted their perception of happiness can't bother you. Even when they are driving around in fancy cars and buying houses from divorces from marriages that should never really have happened. I just hold tight to the precious opportunity I have been given when I glimpse such things and Thank God that my heart works ok. Seperate the wheat from the chaff and get on with your life, I say. The only true revenge is happiness. So, OP, I wouldn't focus on all that negativity too too much... unless you like it of course. I don't think we should victimise people who are of that mindset. Just, when they tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! and run like you have never run before. Take care, Eve x
dreamingoftigers Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 God I remember two days after we were married looking at my husband lying in bed at Chateau Lake Louise and thinking "we are do going to last forever!" and being so excited and wondering why people got married when they weren't as certain as I was! Ever dumb! My heart gets pretty broken when I think about how much faith I had in us and in him to have a great marriage. I feel bitterly jealous when I see marital partners that still have that relational innocence, and you can really tell when they do. I wish that I could have lived the rest of my life like that.
ladydesigner Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 GG I understand your post, I really do but when I read it, my thoughts were that you should consider yourself lucky that you were able to keep that innocence factor well into adulthood. Some of us had it stripped away when we were still children. (((BB07))) Same here mine were stripped away as child too.
BB07 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 (((BB07))) Same here mine were stripped away as child too. Hugs back at ya.........LD. After I wrote that, I was hoping that it wasn't seen as poor me thing because that wasn't what I meant...........it's just that there are so many people who grew up with dysfunction and a lot of pain as a example and it's a very difficult thing to overcome. Sometimes I long for that little girl I used to be, the one nothing bad happened to, the one that viewed the world through innocent eyes and wasn't scarred or broken. Yes I know, we are responsible for ourselves as adults and the choices we make but it's a real PIA to have to overcome when someone ****e in your childhood and left ugly tracks everywhere. I have 2 daughters, one with special needs so normal life situations don't apply to her but the other one seems to be a responsible mature young woman who is a mother of one. Sometimes I worry for her, I know my family history has affected me and I wonder what I have passed on to her in maybe ways that I'm not aware of. Sorry for the T/J.
EyesWideOpen Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 God I remember two days after we were married looking at my husband lying in bed at Chateau Lake Louise and thinking "we are do going to last forever!" and being so excited and wondering why people got married when they weren't as certain as I was! Ever dumb! My heart gets pretty broken when I think about how much faith I had in us and in him to have a great marriage. I feel bitterly jealous when I see marital partners that still have that relational innocence, and you can really tell when they do. I wish that I could have lived the rest of my life like that. God that struck a chord. I hate that I have such ingrained skepticism now.
Spark1111 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 God I remember two days after we were married looking at my husband lying in bed at Chateau Lake Louise and thinking "we are do going to last forever!" and being so excited and wondering why people got married when they weren't as certain as I was! Ever dumb! My heart gets pretty broken when I think about how much faith I had in us and in him to have a great marriage. I feel bitterly jealous when I see marital partners that still have that relational innocence, and you can really tell when they do. I wish that I could have lived the rest of my life like that. Me too! I too had a dysfunctional childhood, went to therapy to deal with it, and married the only man on the planet I felt truly safe with. I soooo believed we would be the different ones; we would weather everything together; we had ALWAYS been each other's best friend. While my marriage today is so much more than I expected, I too miss that blind trust and innocence of living happily ever after. Forget the affair; it is more the tarnishing of what had always been so right and true for us.
Trimmer Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) God I remember two days after we were married looking at my husband lying in bed at Chateau Lake Louise and thinking "we are do going to last forever!" and being so excited and wondering why people got married when they weren't as certain as I was! Ever dumb! My heart gets pretty broken when I think about how much faith I had in us and in him to have a great marriage. Oh man, how I relate to this. I wonder if everybody starts out thinking "ours is the one for the record books.." I sure did. I feel bitterly jealous when I see marital partners that still have that relational innocence, and you can really tell when they do. I wish that I could have lived the rest of my life like that. For me, I definitely lost my innocence (and yes, kept it well into adulthood...) but I don't feel so much bitter as world-weary. A little sad sometimes, although not always. Just a calm realism - this is how things really are, this is how many broken people there are all around me, this is how many people are really not as OK as I used to think... My loss of the tra la la view of love is one of the things that hurts my H to realise that the A took that away. I had absolute belief that we were one of the very lucky one's that had the moonlight and roses for so long and often feel very naive to have believed that. It is slowly returning and I absolutely love the bones of the man, but the tra la la thing I miss so much. I think it's called blind faith and absolute trust and that I miss. Yeah - for me I don't know if it will ever come back. I sorta don't feel like it will. Maybe even a little sadder - I'm not sure if I want it to, I got hurt so badly by it last time. Edited April 7, 2011 by Trimmer
Snowflower Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Interesting responses! I guess I'm a little different in that I'm glad my innocence has been stripped away. Never again will I be blindsided by the unthinkable. I've learned that the things I assumed would never happen can and did happen. And I'm not just talking about what happened in my marriage. I've had a very difficult last few years and my H's affair was at the epicenter but by far not the only thing I dealt with. So I'm very glad that I will I never again be so ill-prepared to handle the unexpected painful times that life dishes out sometimes. I won't be caught unaware. I'm wiser now. Maybe I'm jaded/cynical, I don't know.
Trimmer Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Interesting responses! I guess I'm a little different in that I'm glad my innocence has been stripped away. Never again will I be blindsided by the unthinkable. I've learned that the things I assumed would never happen can and did happen. And I'm not just talking about what happened in my marriage. I've had a very difficult last few years and my H's affair was at the epicenter but by far not the only thing I dealt with. So I'm very glad that I will I never again be so ill-prepared to handle the unexpected painful times that life dishes out sometimes. I won't be caught unaware. I'm wiser now. Maybe I'm jaded/cynical, I don't know. No... I know very much what you are talking about. I feel like I'm in the world of adults now, kinda like when I found out that Santa wasn't real (somewhere around age 28 or so? ) - I felt a loss of innocence, but I also recognized that I had moved on to a new level of seeing the world in a more mature, real way. Similar feelings here. There's a.... comfort? ..... in knowing I have weathered some bad, bad, stuff, and come out OK, and that I won't again assume that things "can't get worse." Just about every time I thought that, things did get worse. So I don't know if you are jaded or cynical - I tend to think of those more when there is a layer of bitterness over one's attitude. For me, like I said, it's more of a weary, calm acceptance, but I don't (any longer, anyway) carry the anger or bitterness I did for a while...
PerpetualMotion Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I've never cheated and, as far as I know, never been cheated, but went through some events in the past that stripped me out of that innocence. To be honest, I don't miss wearing the rose-tinted glasses. I learned to accept that's how things are. I'm an optimistic person, but also a realist. I believe that optimism without realism only leads to a lot of disappointment. Like Owl and Snowflower, I feel I'm a little wiser now.
Linda9999 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I can also really relate to the OP, although for me it was more the loss of my view of THIS marriage and not marriage in general. My first marriage also ended, cheating was a part of why but not the main reason (I didn't find out for sure until years afterwards that he had been picking OW up in bars while away for work). Coming out of it, I felt very strong and able to withstand the weatherbeating that life was handing me. I came into my second marriage knowing that I am a strong person apart from my husband. The horrible feelings I've had since he cheated have been so hard because, despite the fact I know I am ok just as me, my husband and our marriage were important and I did believe he was 'different' and would never do what he did do. I have to grieve the loss of that marriage and try to build a new one based on my new reality with him now.
Author greengoddess Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 GG I understand your post, I really do but when I read it, my thoughts were that you should consider yourself lucky that you were able to keep that innocence factor well into adulthood. Some of us had it stripped away when we were still children. wow so true. I didn't think of that. Maybe my wording of bad people was well bad but I think you know what I meant. That people aren't all happy and innocent. That they are devious and they lie and sneak around. That that smiling couple probably isn't who I think they are...
EyesWideOpen Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Interesting responses! I guess I'm a little different in that I'm glad my innocence has been stripped away. Never again will I be blindsided by the unthinkable. I won't be caught unaware. Oh I'm very much so glad to be the wiser. It's sort of an analogy to my marriage altogether. Yes I learned from it. Yes I won't have to go through the darkness and hurt again. ..but there are some days I still miss the few and far between shining moments. I'd never go back to being that naive again. But sometimes I do feel like the ignorance was bliss.
seren Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I can relate hugely to having innocence taken when a child and beyond, my H was the first person I ever really trusted with 'me', the hidden me that had insecurities that the world at large never, ever saw. So, when I finally trusted, I really trusted, when the A happened I was absolutely floored. If certain circumstances hadn't been a factor in H having an A, note I do not say reason, there is no reason, then I know I would not be with him now, even though I love H to bits. I miss the tra la la type of love and the blind faith, I had, had my eyes open to hurt plenty and thought I had my safe place, so when the A happened, I really felt adrift for a while. Through much hard work and change, we are together, happy, but still I miss the innocence.
Eve Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I can also really relate to the OP, although for me it was more the loss of my view of THIS marriage and not marriage in general. My first marriage also ended, cheating was a part of why but not the main reason (I didn't find out for sure until years afterwards that he had been picking OW up in bars while away for work). Coming out of it, I felt very strong and able to withstand the weatherbeating that life was handing me. I came into my second marriage knowing that I am a strong person apart from my husband. The horrible feelings I've had since he cheated have been so hard because, despite the fact I know I am ok just as me, my husband and our marriage were important and I did believe he was 'different' and would never do what he did do. I have to grieve the loss of that marriage and try to build a new one based on my new reality with him now. Thanks for this perspective. This is how I believe I would consider and move on from such a worst case scenario. I would never give anyone, least of all a cheater my innocence. Please.. Take care, Eve x
BB07 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I can relate hugely to having innocence taken when a child and beyond, my H was the first person I ever really trusted with 'me', the hidden me that had insecurities that the world at large never, ever saw. So, when I finally trusted, I really trusted, when the A happened I was absolutely floored. Seren......I wanted to cry when I read this part of your post because I can imagine how much it hurt and because I don't think I've ever been able to trust anyone to that depth and I can't imagine that I would be able to recover from it had it been shattered. You are a amazing lady Seren......and I'm so glad your hubby knows that.
BB07 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 wow so true. I didn't think of that. Maybe my wording of bad people was well bad but I think you know what I meant. That people aren't all happy and innocent. That they are devious and they lie and sneak around. That that smiling couple probably isn't who I think they are... I knew what you meant.........it's good.
WorldIsYours Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Many will disagree with me Yup. But - I don't think that just because someone cheated it makes them a BAD person. There are a lot of good people in this world that have at one time cheated. Jaded.. Yes, Many of us are. Even those of us that did do the cheating. I've thought of the scenarios that you mention here myself. But it doesn't mean that those people are bad. They've made a bad decision. Cheating does make one a bad person, no matter how much money they raised for their charity or their successful company. They still treated their SO or BS very poorly.
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