He dumped me, but he's changing his mind every day + having great sex

[Conchita]

Background: over 10 years R; having plans; going well; ups and downs. Resuming, a pretty normal R. A month ago he said he loves me but thinks R isn't going anywhere/we r not supposed to be together. Apparently I have "no north" in life, which scares him (!!??). Anyway...he dumped me. I made a drama (was/am very hurt/didn't expect it). Few days later sex (he's still @ home cause isn't completely sure). He was going 2 leave, then he came saying he was making a mistake/we should try. More (great) sex. Few days later, after deeper reflection, says again he loves me but not in love (whatever that means...). A few tense days, hints about leaving in a month or so, acting pretty normal but not really talking "about it". Suddenly, more sex. Then, he says he needs a break + time 2 think. Three days later he is doubtful again because he loves me (!!??). Sex again. Today, as cold as ever. Tomorrow who knows.......

 

He doesn't seem to feel like talking about it at the moment, neither I am interfering.

 

Questions: how can I help him to clarify his feelings?? Should I avoid intimacy?Shall I ask him to leave in order 2 meditate alone/see if he miss me??? Am I being impatient?

[orangelady]

Background: over 10 years R; having plans; going well; ups and downs. Resuming, a pretty normal R. A month ago he said he loves me but thinks R isn't going anywhere/we r not supposed to be together. Apparently I have "no north" in life, which scares him (!!??). Anyway...he dumped me. I made a drama (was/am very hurt/didn't expect it). Few days later sex (he's still @ home cause isn't completely sure). He was going 2 leave, then he came saying he was making a mistake/we should try. More (great) sex. Few days later, after deeper reflection, says again he loves me but not in love (whatever that means...). A few tense days, hints about leaving in a month or so, acting pretty normal but not really talking "about it". Suddenly, more sex. Then, he says he needs a break + time 2 think. Three days later he is doubtful again because he loves me (!!??). Sex again. Today, as cold as ever. Tomorrow who knows.......

 

He doesn't seem to feel like talking about it at the moment, neither I am interfering.

 

Questions: how can I help him to clarify his feelings?? Should I avoid intimacy?Shall I ask him to leave in order 2 meditate alone/see if he miss me??? Am I being impatient?

 

 

Sounds like the only thing he actually likes is sex with you.

[Conchita]

Sounds like the only thing he actually likes is sex with you.

 

Thanks for the input ...very constructive + helpful.

 

I think you just made a discovery. Ta.

 

Anymore luminaires??

[Mcnulty]

Conchita, i don't think being contemptuous with posters is going to help at all. What orange said was the first thing I was thinking!

 

Nothing changes unless something changes. Having sexual relations with him is giving him the wrong message totally. he is going to take his time over any decisions if he is still getting his sexual needs met!

 

You should show him you are not going to be used and messed about. To gain clarity...for him, he needs time to think. That would mean stopping all sexual relations and yes, maybe asking him to leave to try to get his head together.

[betterdeal]

how can I help him to clarify his feelings??

 

By clarifying and expressing yours.

 

Should I avoid intimacy?

 

If you want to

 

Shall I ask him to leave in order 2 meditate alone/see if he miss me???

 

If you want to

 

Am I being impatient?

 

Have you set an unrealistic deadline?

 

It sounds to me like you're not sure of your own feelings. Whilst you are in this game of cat and mouse with each other, you won't be. That you're reaching out and asking here suggests you're not happy with the situation. I suggest you consider saying something clear and precise that expresses how you feel and what you want to happen right now. Something like:

 

"I feel pretty confused and have a lot of competing emotions right now. I need time and space, and that's why I want you to move out, so that we can have a break. I'll be processing those feelings and working out what I want. I suggest you do the same."

 

Great as the sex may be, it will not resolve the underlying issues that have led you two to this stage. It's probably more of a distraction than anything.

Edited April 7, 2011 by betterdeal

[Fufu]

If you just enjoy having sex with him, to continue or not, it's your decision.

 

If you are looking for a man who loves you, serious and committed in a long term relationship and even for life, better think twice.