Still Waiting To Move On..

[JadedAmore]

Deep breath.. okay, here it goes.

 

First off, I don't really talk to many people about this because they either don't care or don't understand. It's been hard for me to admit what I've done and gone through, but I'm now at the point where I'm just trying to heal.

 

Met MM at a small get together with mutual friends, and we instantly clicked. We spent a great amount of time getting to know each other and our stories.. he was married less than a year and had been separated for 2 months from his wife he 'no longer loved' and I was awaiting my court date for my own divorce from xH. We came to be great friends, I felt security and trust in everything that I confided to him and him as well as me, it was great.

 

Our relationship blossomed quickly, and we became physically involved within a month. I know it seemed soon, but we seemed so compatible and it was impossible to ignore the budding romance that came about between us. It nagged me in the back of my mind that though I knew my own marriage was over with, his was in limbo as he was open to the idea of counseling with his wife.

 

We both seemed to fall hard and fast. I realized this and we pulled away several times and would try the cold turkey NC between us... this failed as one of us would usually be weak and give in to the urge to check on the other person. Usually I was the one to pull away, because I felt like I was getting mixed signals. He wants to do counseling, then he doesn't know if he wants to work on his marriage, he tells me he doesn't love his wife, come over and let's hang out as friends which usually lead to other activities, etc etc.. Looking back now, I know what his biggest fear was -- money. He had been recently laid off and was still living very comfortably off of his wife's income. It didn't click until later when he came clean about this, and it absolutely sickens me to think of all the times we'd gone out and I would offer to pay but he would insist; it was on his wife's dime!

 

We both knew the relationship itself was wrong, and as I confided to a dear friend about the relationship he smacked me with his words and it became all too clear.. I had become the OW -- the person I loathed with my entire being because it had torn my own marriage apart (well, there was more than one OW, but that's a whole 'nother story).

 

I struggled with this a lot, and I expressed my feelings more than once that it was a heavy burden to bear to be the OW, and he really needed to come to a decision with what he wanted to do regarding his marriage. At one point, he told me he wanted to file for divorce and start a new life with me. I ask point blank that if I wasn't in his life, would he be making that very same decision -- to file for a divorce from his wife who he'd only been married to a year for? (They dated five years prior to marriage) He couldn't give me a straight answer and I told him he needed to think it through, because in my eyes it felt that I would be the one responsible for ending his marriage.

 

Several months passed and our relationship and love that at one point came so easily started to feel like a struggle. He became demanding and started micro managing every single move I made, to the point where he forbade I remain friends with the mutual friend that introduced us because he suspected that the mutual friend had a desire to date me, which he did not. We started to argue about little things, such as a missed text message or phone call on my behalf, and it would get to the point where he would scream at me and I would just shut down emotionally. I just got out of a bad relationship where the SO tried to control me, so why would I want to be in another one?

 

One weekend while he's away at a convention I spend an evening out with a couple friends and meet a complete stranger that was in town for business. We ended up leaving and headed to an IHOP where we talked for hours, and at one point it turns into me opening up about this relationship I found myself struggling with. After so long this stranger tells me after only a few hours of knowing me: "Listen, this guy is a poison and you need to get rid of him. You have a great personality and it sounds like he is just sucking the life out of you. Get out, and don't look back." At this point I'm feeling an epiphany, because not only was this something my closest friends were telling me, but a complete stranger who had only known me a few hours was telling me!

 

Not long after this conversation MM and I talk, and we both come to a point where we agree it needs to end and it's finally feeling like it's mutual instead of just one of us trying to pull away from the other. He tells me he plans to continue counseling, and eventually wants to come clean to his wife. He never specified whether we wanted to work things out with her or not, but I was supportive either way as long as he was happy. That's all I want, is for him to be happy.

 

So here I am, 6 weeks of NC. Some days are better than others, and I absolutely understand why there is NC between us, but I am still sad and heartbroken. He was my best friend. I want to be angry at how he turned a lot of things to be all about him, but I genuinely cared for him and it sucks.

 

I'm just at a point where I am waiting for a day to go by and I don't think of him.

 

This was really just to vent, sorry for the novel. Thanks for reading if you did!

[siuys]

Hugs, Jaded. 6 weeks NC is a major achievement. I am 3 weeks into mine after a 13-month affair. Long story short, xMM flipped and flopped, moved out, went back, went to counselling, finished counselling, I helped him look for an apartment to move out to (second time) but weeks after that started he told me he was not ready to be in a relationship and can't give me what i want... bottom line, these guys are messed up. Most of the time they can't make up their minds about anything, and it only gets worse. Even if they make a decision, it still takes time to grieve, heal, accept, move on... and you being there (that is if he even leaves) will only cause you pain.

 

Count yourself lucky that you're 6 weeks into NC. It will only get easier. I can't talk as I am only on week 3 but it's already easier than week 1. Make a committed decision to move on. Only then can you truly move on. You either move on, or you don't. You can't wait to move on. That means you don't want to... all the best.

[Flabbergaster]

 

So here I am, 6 weeks of NC. Some days are better than others, and I absolutely understand why there is NC between us, but I am still sad and heartbroken. He was my best friend. I want to be angry at how he turned a lot of things to be all about him, but I genuinely cared for him and it sucks.

 

I'm just at a point where I am waiting for a day to go by and I don't think of him.

 

Oh, Jaded. I'm so so sorry. I agree...it sucks.

I'm...about 7 weeks into NC. I can tell you that for me, week 7 has been a heck of a lot better than week 6. Keep your fingers crossed for next week...

Siuys you'll get there, good work.

 

Day by day survival, that's all we can do.

This week I was thinking back to when I was 2 weeks into NC. I realized I have let go of a lot of pain and flashbacks since then.

 

This week I realized that I am perhaps at the end of the beginning. I realized there will be a point where I let go of her, stop thinking of her most of my day. I also realized I have to start letting go of the dream of having her back, even as a friend.

 

So yes, it gets better. For me (and the others I've talked to irl and read here)...it takes longer than we thought it would. Also...I notice that some of us have forgotten a lot of the pain we had when we were still in it. Take time to remember how badly that sucked.

 

Keep the faith, you'll make it. We're with you.

[JadedAmore]

Thanks for the responses. I'm hopeful, because like I said... some days are easier than others. I can remember I was cleaning out the drafts folder on my phone and my heart froze when I realized there was a draft intended for him. I'd long deleted his number, but I instantly recognized it. As for our pictures, a song he sang and sent to me, old emails and texts, I haven't had the heart to delete them yet so I instead put them all on an external hard drive I rarely dig out. It'd probably be wiser to just delete them, but I figure that as long as the temptation isn't there for me to reflect on this all without the headache of getting out the extra equipment I'm doing alright. Hopefully the day will come where I can trash them without a single twinge of fear or hurt in my heart.

 

Whenever I do feel I'm getting those moments of weakness I would try calling a friend, but I hate to come across as whiny and weak so it came to distracting myself with other tasks that needed to be tackled. It's nice to know I have a new place to go.

[Irishlove]

I'm on day five. My MM sounds alot like yours. I had 'rules' put on me. He could do things but I couldn't. I just try to keep thinking of the crappy things he said to me. I don't think about the good because then I'll want him back. I have to remember how toxic he can be. I'm going out this weekend so hopefully I'll meet a new NOT married friend. lol

[Owl]

Jaded

 

What are you doing to help yourself through all of this? It sounds like you don't have much of a "support system" in place...no friends or family that you can talk to about the whole thing? Who can help you work through this with you?

 

What are you doing to fill the time/energy that you used to spend on MM?

 

Take up a new hobby, start working out, etc...?

 

Just some thoughts.

 

I've found that working out helps a lot in dealing with this kind of stress. It helps you get into shape, and wears you out to the point where you can get to sleep a LOT easier.

[JadedAmore]

Hang in there Irish. Although I'll admit I still hurt, the hurt is a lot less.

 

Owl, my friends didn't really support the relationship itself, so they were happy to hear that it ended and left it at that. I've brought it up a couple times about how I am still hurt over this and I've not fully healed, but they seem to brush it off. It sucks.

 

As for filling time, that's not a problem for me. I'm the CP of 3 young children (no, they never met him) that soak up the majority of my life. So, between the kids, working, studying, and trying to maintain a social life in order to avoid the depressing hermit lifestyle I keep busy. I've been getting back into working was thinking of re-joining a Zumba class, so squeezing a little more time out of the day would be helpful so I could focus not just on mind, but body as well.

 

The worst times seem to be after the kids are in bed, or when I'm alone in the car. I guess it's something I've held inside, so it helps really to come here and get it all out.

[Owl]

Hang in there Irish. Although I'll admit I still hurt, the hurt is a lot less.

 

Owl, my friends didn't really support the relationship itself, so they were happy to hear that it ended and left it at that. I've brought it up a couple times about how I am still hurt over this and I've not fully healed, but they seem to brush it off. It sucks.

 

I can understand this both from your viewpoint and theirs. For them, they probably never supported the idea of an 'affair'...and were uncomfortable and unhappy that you were in that kind of relationship with someone. They're probably more relieved that you're out of the situation now. Look at it from an outside viewpoint...most people believe that affairs tend to end badly, and they were likely worried that this is how yours would end up...and it did.

 

From your perspective...you were in love, and that's all that mattered. It should have been enough for them to see that you were happy. And they should understand how much you're hurting now that the relationship has ended...just as anyone is hurt when a relationship ends.

 

It's probably not going to be easy to find objective friends that will support you, no matter how much they didn't support your choice to be with him. I hope that you can find some friends or family that can help you in this respect though...it makes getting through it so much less painful.

 

As for filling time, that's not a problem for me. I'm the CP of 3 young children (no, they never met him) that soak up the majority of my life. So, between the kids, working, studying, and trying to maintain a social life in order to avoid the depressing hermit lifestyle I keep busy. I've been getting back into working was thinking of re-joining a Zumba class, so squeezing a little more time out of the day would be helpful so I could focus not just on mind, but body as well.

 

The worst times seem to be after the kids are in bed, or when I'm alone in the car. I guess it's something I've held inside, so it helps really to come here and get it all out.

 

If you need to, talk with your doctor about AD's, or about getting a sleep aid like ambien that can help.

 

Crashing as soon as your head hits the pillow can really reduce that time you're laying there awake rehashing everything in your head.

 

On the drives in the car...any chance of using a bluetooth headset and calling friends and family to just talk with so that your mind isn't wandering to him during that time? Not to talk with them about that...but about something else...anything else.

 

The only other suggestion I've got is time...it takes active measures AND time to heal from emotional wounds like these.

 

Hope some of this helps a little.

[siuys]

Thanks for the responses. I'm hopeful, because like I said... some days are easier than others. I can remember I was cleaning out the drafts folder on my phone and my heart froze when I realized there was a draft intended for him. I'd long deleted his number, but I instantly recognized it. As for our pictures, a song he sang and sent to me, old emails and texts, I haven't had the heart to delete them yet so I instead put them all on an external hard drive I rarely dig out. It'd probably be wiser to just delete them, but I figure that as long as the temptation isn't there for me to reflect on this all without the headache of getting out the extra equipment I'm doing alright. Hopefully the day will come where I can trash them without a single twinge of fear or hurt in my heart.

 

Whenever I do feel I'm getting those moments of weakness I would try calling a friend, but I hate to come across as whiny and weak so it came to distracting myself with other tasks that needed to be tackled. It's nice to know I have a new place to go.

 

A day at a time, Jaded. It's great that you store away the stuff that reminds you of him. In time, you will be ready to delete them. For some, I think it comes in stages. I deleted most of the stuff related to xMM the day it ended but kept a few items in the trash on my computer. Only yesterday was I able to delete them. So be patient with yourself. As long as you're not wallowing and keep reading old stuff and keeping it alive in your head, you will be fine. Think of it as detoxing. You need to rid this stuff in order to get well.

[JadedAmore]

Owl, I ended up eventually confiding in my best friend as I felt the relationship was coming close to an end, who so happened to be the friend he forbade me from. He didn't express disgust in me, but told me he worried because he didn't want me hurt -- and that is exactly what happened. I still talk about it every now and then, but the uncomfortable silence tells it all; he simply wants to dismiss it and pretend it didn't happen. This makes me feel horrible, because I feel it's affected my friendship with him. Understandably. Any other friend seems to write it off as a silly crush, so again.. I feel I'm stuck back at square one. At this point, I've chosen not to discuss it with anyone anymore.

 

In fact, I actually have been keeping a journal. I don't know how healthy or therapeutic it may be, and fear it may do more bad then good, but I write in it as if I'm actually writing it to xMM and that he may one day read it. Some days I write about how I miss him, and events such as seeing a car that looks similar to his feels like a punch in the stomach. Other days I write how strong I'm feeling, but I still feel grateful for having met him because he made me the happiest that I'd been in a long time. I don't write in it as often as I used to, because I've started to feel that it feeds the hurt.

 

siuys, detoxing is a great way to put it. You go through the uncontrollable withdrawal where you want nothing more than to send one innocent message just to let them know they are on your mind, but we all know it does a lot more damage than good. I've been holding my ground and will continue to.. after going this long with NC, I know that the light in the end of the tunnel is nearing.

 

Another thing I feel really sucks is how I sometimes find myself comparing other men I've met to him. We could talk endlessly for hours and I'd be completely attentive and contributory in the conversation, whereas I find myself easily getting bored around other people. This makes me feel horrible too.

 

Then there's the guilt. I feel so bad for his wife. I don't know exactly what he's told her except that he doesn't love her, but the fact that he's been going to counseling solo gives her hope. From what I'd heard from him and other friends, she is a great person, but they are just not 'compatible.' I wish I'd thought this sooner, but how the hell are you not compatible with someone you dated for five years and were married to for a year?

 

Ugh.