eerie_reverie Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I am trying to figure out if I have really bad boundaries, or if it's normal that as soon as I get into a relationship, my life starts to suffer: -I lose track of my fitness goals and gain weight -I neglect hobbies -I neglect bills until the last minute -I stop cleaning (unless the bf is about to come over) -If the bf is a big drinker, I start drinking a lot (wheras my single self is far more uptight and health-conscious) I have never successfully incorporated someone into my life... only tried on the lives of others. Do you see the same thing happening to you? Is this normal? If not, how can I work on it?
Duckduckgoose Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Umm... I dunno about all that stuffs... I will answer it when I am more mentally here... its late and I'm sleepy. But I have noticed that single professionals are usually more productive at work, and will work longer hours than married professionals, or professionals with family. Its not 100% in all cases but in general that's what I've seen. I kind of thought thats what you were getting at with the title.
Star Gazer Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I have never successfully incorporated someone into my life... only tried on the lives of others. I can totally relate. It's exactly what happened with Skiman, and others before him. Even now, I really do want a relationship. But I find that one would almost...cramp my style. I don't want to have to balance my already very full life with someone else's life and a relationship. It's a Catch 22.
BeginAgain Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I am never productive. Maybe you are adopting the habits of your lover too much or not setting enough time aside for the other things you need to do. How often and for how long do you typically spend with your lover in a week when you are in a relationship?
Highness Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I think it's normal, spook. I am 6 months into my first serious relationship and for the first time in my life have started to neglect every point on your list. I am also drinking more during the week, not so much because my boy is a big drinker, but just because it's fun to drink when he's staying over, whereas there was no point when I was just at home by myself. I am hoping that when the first flushes of romance die down and we start to settle into a normal routine, I'll start to get back some 'me' time. No big deal if I dont though. I am more happy now in a relationship that I ever was being my 'little miss perfect' single self.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I'm not sure if it's connected to life circumstances outside of my current relationship, but I've found that being in a relationship actually makes me more productive. I also firmly believe that if you're in a relationship where your own productivity, health, and personal habits begin to suffer, it's probably not a good relationship in the first place. I think that a good significant other should make you want to be more disciplined and more focused on your goals, for the sake of making the relationship more fulfulling but mostly for improving yourself. Relationships where one or both partners end up as less impressive people, physically or otherwise, is just very disheartening for one to witness. I've just never understood the whole relationship=complacency thing. My girlfriend became a bit of a health freak and is focused on losing weight and getting into tip-top physical shape. She's also been burying her face in MCAT prep books for the past month. What effect does this have on me? While it isn't the only factor, it's one reason why I've begun a full workout regimen and also why I spend more hours in the law library with my face buried in books than ever before. It's a bit of friendly competition but we also mutually reassure each other of our need to be productive. In my past relationship and numerous other dating scenarios where I was really into the girl but it ultimately didn't work out, I always found that the feeling of being infatuated/in love made me want to be a better person overall. It always gave me focus. Good stuff.
Knittress Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I also struggle with maintaining a sense of self when I fall for someone. I did postpone a lot of dreams and gained at ton of weight in my last relationship. It was like I had entirely abandoned ship on MY life and was living HIS life instead... and then wondered later what exactly it was that I was so miserable about. Hmmmmm... (lol) But I wouldn't say I'm more productive single, either. I hate being single and miss having someone to share my life with, and that feeling of other-half-ness. I'm driven to distraction with my unfilled sexual and emotional needs, and the stupid internet addiction I've picked up to distract me from them. I don't function very well as a single person at all. I miss the feeling of safety and stability in being in an established relationship. When my needs were met and I was feeling emotionally supported I was much better able to focus, get stuff done, and actually had intellectual interests. ::sigh::
Ross PK Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I'm not not really productive at all. On the couple of occasions when I thoguht a girl was interested in me I did become more productive though for some reason.
betterdeal Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I am trying to figure out if I have really bad boundaries, or if it's normal that as soon as I get into a relationship, my life starts to suffer: Get into a relationship or take a lover?
SmileFace Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Yeah, I actually tend to be a better person overall when in a relationship. That may not be a good thing. It should really be a balance.
thatdog Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I find I'm more likely to take care of myself physically when I am single. I guess after a while in a relationship you tend to stop paying as much attention to your looks. But In all other aspects of my life I find I become much more focused because I feel a responsibility not just to myself but to my partner. I'm currently starting my third year of law school and I'm quite positive i never would have had the motivation to even start had I not met my current gf. I've also given up a number of bad habits and worked on overcoming some childhood phobias as well to further enrich my life (and not due to nagging, all the decisions were made independently.)
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I've always been single, so I don't know.
tigressA Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I agree with TheBigQuestion. I tend to be more productive in a healthy relationship. I have a job offer and another interview in less than 3 weeks after I started applying to other jobs, and it probably wouldn't have happened so fast if I hadn't had my BF's support and encouragement. It does also depend on overall life circumstances...when I was in college, I was quite productive regardless of my relationship status. When I was working my live-in caretaker job, I was much less so because the job required staying at home a lot.
Stockalone Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Are you more productive when you're single? Not at all. I am a lot more productive, I work out more and lose weight rather easily, eat healthier, etc. in a relationship. In a relationship, there is an incentive to do all that. When I am single, it really doesn't matter if I work more or less, weigh 10 of 50 lbs more or less, etc. I am a much healthier, more balanced and also happier person when I am in a good relationship. -I lose track of my fitness goals and gain weight -I neglect hobbies (to a degree) -I neglect bills until the last minute -I stop cleaning That is how I am when I am single.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I drink more because I don't see the point in drinking unless someone is asking me to do it with them. I struggle more with my weight. And I don't have time for as many of my hobbies. Although on the reverse, I do better in other areas . . . I usually do better in my job and in school, for some reason, because I have a person who is giving me a purpose to work for a bright future. I have a better social life. I write a lot more because it's hard when I am depressed and lonely for me to write. I clean more because they are coming over. I wear make-up more and better clothing and do my hair better (because when I'm single, I stay home some days and let that stuff slide, but when I'm with someone, I know they are coming home to see me every day, so I try not to be sloppy.)
Author eerie_reverie Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) Interesting responses. It appears that there are two camps: 1. people who are able to draw support and motivation from their partners 2. people who are motivated by the prospect of a partner/ function better single I am kind of surprised that so many of us fall into the second category. A lot of things are also better for me when I'm with someone, as I'm sure is the case for all of us: -I have a better social life -I have way more fun -I stress out about work less For the first few weeks after a breakup, I have noticed I get depressed as a result of missing these things. But I have ended almost every one of my relationships in the last 4 years because the other stuff suffered too much and I felt like I was being held back. And after the initial pain, I have always felt happier to be by myself and do my own thing. Now I wonder if it was really a compatibility issue with all those guys, or my perosnal problem. For those of you in Group 2, what's the motivation for getting into a relationship at all? Do the positives really outweigh losing yourself? Are you hoping the next time around, it will be different? Edited April 7, 2011 by eerie_reverie
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