desperate_princess Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 This is a bit long, but I tried to keep it as short as possible. I'm a 28-year-old virgin who has never even held hands with anyone. People find this hard to believe. I'm not religious, just never found a guy I would be interested in, perhaps I'm a super-late bloomer and I was bullied a lot as a teenager, because people were finding me extremely unattractive. I met a guy on Twitter in October, we had a lot of mutual followers. We're both in the web design/development business and he kept on offering help, which was annoying me, but one day, I ran into an issue that only a web developer can solve, he offered help, I said yes. After having exchanged a couple of emails with me, he invited me out. I kept on saying no, we started chatting about our profession and he was throwing random hints on how we should go out and after one month or so, I said yes; having seen that he's well-mannered, intelligent and really caring. When he showed up, I was surprised: he was gorgeous, in addition to all I mentioned beforehand. He blushed when I said hi and started stuttering. After a while, he got comfortable, so he was leaning close to me, we spoke about a lot of things, we drank hot chocolate and, generally speaking, we had fun. However, at the end of the date, he freaked out when I shook hands with him. Two days afterwards, he wanted to see me again, but we couldn't see each other before a group meeting, where the same repeated - we were looking at each other a lot, there were some secretive smiles shared, he ended up accidentally breaking a glass when he was helping me get my jacket on. A couple of days later, he insisted that I should have a job interview at the place where he's working at and, though I didn't want to, he was persistent. He was waiting for me in the parking space of the building while the snow was falling, there was nobody around and I thought how romantic of a moment it was. He took my hand, said that it was so cold and I thought he would perhaps, take both of my hands or try to kiss me...but no, he said: "That's what you get for liking snow that much." and he laughed. For the next couple of weeks, I started losing hope. He kept on interrupting my Twitter convos with other people, even those he didn't know, to say random funny stuff, but at some point, he told me to watch out not to fall in love with him. I asked him if it's forbidden, he replied that it's not, but he said that he gave up on relationships long ago. That was Monday. On Sunday the same week, he invited me to have dinner with him and he was waiting for me leaning on the wall, reading a book he borrowed from me a month earlier, trying to look cool. Once again, we had a great time, but when I tried to give him just a plain big hug at the end of the night, he reacted like a cardboard cutout or something - he was totally petrified and he smiled, but didn't say a thing. Throughout February, there were two periods when we didn't speak for eight days and each time he'd break the ice. I would've done so myself, but friends told me to play cool. At some point, I mentioned our most recent date and I apologised if I did something wrong, I said that I wouldn't want him to think badly of me and his response was odd: "No, I think you're only an evil witch using magic to try to get me into her bed." My birthday was early in March. He wished me a happy birthday before everyone else and I got courage to invite him to come over. He said yes immediately, which surprised me. The day when I was having a birthday gathering, he was throwing a bunch of PDAs on Twitter, thinking out loud what he'll get me. Eventually, he showed up with a box of chocolates, shook my hand and, which I didn't expect, kissed me on the cheek. I shyly kissed him back, only to have him kiss me twice more and the second of those two kisses was oddly wet. He was sitting next to me all evening and each time I would look at him, his pupils were growing. During March, we had a period when we didn't speak for two weeks. I was just...waiting for him to start the conversation and since he didn't, I eventually asked him if I'm suffocating him, if he doesn't enjoy talking to me and why doesn't he talk to me. His response was, more or less, that he's reclusive, that he does not have a steady circle of friends and that he's "harming himself most". I ensured him that I love talking to him. The next week was really nice. I also left him a red rose at his doorstep, I'm not sure if he found it. However, at the end of the week, at 1 AM, he randomly tweeted that he was waiting for a [female name]. That scared me. I had a mini-meltdown. I asked a mutual friend who the [female name] was and she was really, really cruel to me, laughing to my face and she even told me that I should stop trying because this is not mutual. However, everyone else tells me that this guy is really insecure, that he might've had a strange relationship before or that he might be a male virgin, making up experiences and trying desperately to be cool. A 44-year-old former seducer told me that I just have to wait and make sure I let the guy breathe, yet keep in touch with him. I like him a lot, but I don't know what to do. He's far more attractive than me, he's younger than me, slightly immature and despite his clumsiness, he often hints that he's very liberal when it comes to dating and sex. I think he even made-up an eff buddy to freak me out. At the same time, giving that I'm almost asexual and generally unattractive, I feel like it would ruin me if he broke my heart. Any help?
welikeincrowds Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Hello desperate_princess, and welcome to the wonderful world of infatuation. You use the words "break my heart" and that concerns me. You're too vulnerable right now. If you look back at your post you'll see that nothing much has happened. You're setting up a lot of potential energy. It's kind of like standing underneath an anvil. Even if it's stationary, I'm freaking out. That's not a very fun way to live. How many hints have you dropped? Have you suggested that you guys should go out again? He might be having trouble reading you -- although this has been going on for so many months? Personally speaking here, this just sounds like a mess to me. I would walk away from all this (workplace?) drama and find someone who is clearly interested in dating me whom I am also interested in dating. But, I would also say that this strikes me as the sort of situation one gets into when they don't have a wealth of experience to pull from. For that reason, I might say it would do you well to take some risks and maybe even make some mistakes. That may include "heartbreak," to use your term. Variety of emotion is what makes life worth living, whereas indecision and stagnation are not only stressful, they're also no fun. So, I don't know princess. Maybe you should just flip a coin and run with whatever decision it gives you. But don't go with a decision that could cause you stress in the workplace. If everything goes bad, you want to be able to cut your losses and walk away entirely, and leave it all behind. It makes things a lot easier all around.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I'm sorry you really like this guy because he sounds just plain weird. He tried lots of means to attract your attention and pull you into his world and now that you're in it, he's backing off and playing cool. He may be all those things your friends say but I think he's grown up enough to handle life for himself and if he's messing you about it's not because he's lacking confidence. He certainly had the confidence to get you to come to his workplace and to have an interview. No, there's something seriously amiss with this guy and I'd hate you to get hurt by him. His behaviour reeks of push/pull. Guys who do this will be drawing you in one minute and then almost slapping you back the next. It is cruel, heartless and utterly pointless and I can't see what they get out of it. The other possibility is that he's gay, seriously. He may want a female friend but now that you've joined him and are willing to become close to him, he's freaking out about how to tell you. Somehow, I feel the first paragraph applies though. There is something a bit heartless about the way he's behaving that would make me very wary indeed. If he's using push/pull tactics you will struggle to extricate yourself from this as he won't want you too; however, when you move forward, he'll kick you back. God knows why people do this or what they get out of it but it feels awful at the time and the poor victim has no idea what's going on, just that they are in limbo and hurting.
Author desperate_princess Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) Hi, welikeincrowds, thanks for your warm welcome. I guess I need to clarify some things - no, we do not work together, as I have said, I was too lazy to complete the task this guy's boss eventually gave me (the interview went well), but we work in the same field, know same people, this is a pretty small country and people who work as web designers and developers are a small circle that often hangs out together, holds conferences and meetups, we're like a family. spiderowl, I forgot to mention - he's 24 and a half. And if this matters, I grew up in the capital city, he came here when he was 19, from one of the most backwards regions in southern Europe. And his parents are much, much younger than my parents, they had him early. As you have said, he put way too much effort in this - he was trying to get my attention for a month, when he got it, he kept on asking me out for a month...and when we finally met and obviously liked each other, he started acting like either a total idiot or a cruel person. At the same time, he befriended some of my friends, he got into a very disturbing subject I'm into (a huge environmental disaster 25 years ago) and borrowed a book about it from me. The day he invited me out to dinner (once again, that was six days after he told me that he gave up on women long ago), he put a snow falling animation on his website and sent me the link to it three times within five minutes. It was also 1 month after our first date, he hates snow and I love snow and I have the word "snowflake" in all of my instant messenger names. And when we met in front of the restaurant, he was standing like a cool guy in some old cartoon, one of his legs against the wall and reading a book on the said environmental disaster that he borrowed from me. Also, pretty sure he's not gay, I've seen a photo of a person he said was his ex, she was pretty, but didn't look like a girl who could spend a lot of time with a shy, awkward weird guy, more the type who does them and leaves. And to both of you, regarding vulnerability: 9 days before I met this guy, my father died on my arms, suffocating from a combo of lung and cerebrum cancer. Also, I have PMDD, which might be triggering chronical anxiety. I was never able to relax in life, I just don't know how it feels to be relaxed. I am more than the average vulnerable, I'm horribly vulnerable. Another somewhat important detail: we're both far above average in terms of intelligence. Regarding seeing each other again - I asked him if he'd go to a photo exhibition that commemorates a 25th anniversary of an environmental disaster with me and he said yes. But that was before the supposed eff buddy provocation on Sunday. I did not react to that provocation, though. Sorry for having mentioned the interest that he got into because of me too many times, it's...the additional weird. Edited April 7, 2011 by desperate_princess Added more information.
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