HeartOnSleeve Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I asked this guy I have been seeing if he would not sleep with me if he was sleeping with other women. I thought it was valid as I want to be safe with myself and it's online dating. We've been seeing eachother for a month and half. He tells me that by me asking that he was sketched out! I told him he obviously misunderstood and apologized. Then he told me that I must not think very highly of him if I thought he was sleeping with other people and that we thought diffrently. Ok so....he is making me insecure and won't "throw me a bone" to make me feel better about the situation. I guess it's done....he hasn't responded to my call request so that we could just chat for a few minutes. Just asked a simple question so that I new I was being safe.
daphne Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I don't know that there's anything wrong with asking the question to see where you stand, if you're not interested in sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others. It sounds like he successfully evaded the question and threw the onus back on you. Why are you apologizing? Did you come across as accusatory?
Hules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Seems like a honest question. If I had been seeing a girl for a month and a half I would probably bring up some sort of exclusivity talk to find out where we stand. Since this guy was so defensive and deflected the blame onto you. I wouldn't be surprised if hes playing the field and didn't like you cramping his style. You didn't do anything wrong in asking for where you both stand.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Well he said he "I thought believed you thought higher of me...how many people are you dating". I said "I do think highly of you and no one else" he said "you must not think that highly of me if you think Im sleeping with other people"...I said I felt like it was a valid question. he said "Gotcha guess we think diffrenlty." I asked who he was dating and he replied with "I went on a few other dates but nothing serious. You were my first match date and it seems like you are dating poeple if you are still active and then asking if I was sleeping with others". Again I said "I know I as and I guess I asked becuase I knew you would go out with others since I was your first." and I said "you are still active on match too. Sorry if I offended you"......and then I got no response?! WTF....I asked if we were cool adn that I felt like he misunderstood where i was coming from then I tried to call just to clarify and be done with it, but he said he was at his buddies and we could talk later. To me later isn't good enough. I have had such a crap day and he can't give me five minutes on the phone.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 I feel like texting him and saying "thanks I now know where we stand if you can't throw me a small bone so I am not insecure about this".
Hules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Heart just leave him be and move on. Total douchebag anyone that gets that defensive over a question like that. A) Has no experience dating. B) Is hiding something and is trying to shift blame onto you rather than answering the question.
Unbalanced Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 sounds like he is being insecure and writing his own interpretations of what you said to him, and not giving you an opportunity to explain yourself. I tend to do that sometimes too haha not going to lie, usually after some time though I'll regain my cool so hopefully he does the same
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Thanks guys! I'm so torn...I've been burned so much and had just gotten to a good point with being single and just dating and then I gave him a chance and totally fell and really like him but now...if this is how he handles things I'm not sure I can just "wait" around for him to provide me with something ....anything. Ughhhhh....
daphne Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Please don't send that text. It's a little controlling and reactionary. Just talk to him later, remain calm and stay on point. Being emotional will not give you the answers, because this guy will turn that around on you. Find out what you need to know. If you don't already.
Hules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Yup just play it cool, send that text and he will know he got to you. In the mean time go find someone who's actually worth your time. Let him boil in his own stupidity.
Leeway Harris Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Yes, that sounds really defensive. He could've just said "I'm not sleeping with other people, are you?" Then you would've said no, and that would've been the end of it. I don't see what he's getting so offended about.
Hules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Yes, that sounds really defensive. He could've just said "I'm not sleeping with other people, are you?" Then you would've said no, and that would've been the end of it. I don't see what he's getting so offended about. Classic deflection tactics to avoid actually answering the question, maybe hes training to be in politics
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Yeah the last text I sent before I posted on here was "could you give me five minutes on the phone as I think you misunderstood what I was saying" and he is being so dramatic...I really have no clue what I did. He said "it's been a crazy day for both of us, so let's just talk tomorrow so i don't say something stupid". What could he say....i'm confused! We both had horrible days, but still I am totally shell shocked. I will not respond to this and I guess I just have to wait until tomorrow to see what he has to say, but now I just don't have much to say back. Sad that he had to let this drag out and be so defensive. Appreciate the advice guys.
Andy_K Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 This is what happens when two insecure people date. He has assumed, presumably from how well you get on with each other, that you're not sleeping with anyone else. More importantly, he assumed you were thinking the same thing about him. As soon as you come out and ask him to let you know if he's sleeping with anyone else, his immediate thought is "wait...I was wrong, she hasn't been thinking that way at all! Oh my god, how many guys has she been boffing while I've just been concentrating on her?" He's shocked and defensive because he's realised you weren't on the same wavelength as him, you weren't thinking of your relationship in the same way that he was, and now he's trying to re-evaluate things in that context. He's probably feeling quite insulted! You didn't even ask if he was sleeping with anyone else. You asked him to let you know if he was! There's a BIG difference. You've basically indicated to him that you were pretty much expecting he could be sleeping with other girls, and therefore you could easily be dating lots of other guys at the moment. As if you're not really that into him yet. I think you should stop blindly following dating rules and do things that are more natural for you. I'm about 99% sure you didn't really want to wait a month and a half and then say 'by the way, let me know if you're nailing anyone else so I can be safe'. It's just something you've learnt that you 'should' do What you probably want to do is ask him after a few weeks (or whenever you decide you first want to sleep with him) if he's sleeping with, or even dating, anyone else, and take things from there. Agree to hide your profiles or whatever. So do it that way. You're both playing the game of 'who loves least is in control' to pander to your insecurities and fears, and this is what happens...
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