What does NC really do!!!

[Trevster]

Like I see different post that people say that NC makes a person really realize what they had and it can make them come back to you. Like right now I am deeply amazed and in love with my ex like everything happened out of nowhere and I'm lost right now. I know that she is right for me we have talked about ourl lives together even days before she broke up with me after 3 years she was telling me to ask her to marry her. But people say imply NC and get over them and move on but i dont want to give up on someone that I cant go a day without. Like she is on my mind 24/7 no girl compares to her at all. She could have her body burned all over or be limbed less and i would still stick by her side because i love her that much she has been with me through all my hard times. What does NC really do when your not really looking at getting over someone. I told her all my feelings and everything but she wont hear me out at all but it feels like no one knows really how much she means to me. I just need some understanding I want NC to work for her to come back to me and really understand that she has someone that loves her this much and is willing to give up everything but there dreams for them because ever since i met her she has become my dream and she knows that hopefully. How do I approach this because in my heart i know she was sent here for me she has been through everything with me is there anything else i can do to get her back honestly. Its been almost a month and it sucks she deleted me as a friend and all our pictures but i have been praying for a new beginning with her and i take that as look our past is being wiped away and its time to make new memories together when god feels ready to bring us back... PLEASE HELP

[Beeotch]

Nothing can make your ex come back to you...except their own feelings of wanting you.

 

 

Calling them everyday, every week, once a month, chasing them, sending flowers, crying, emailing, etc....WON'T work if they don't want you back.

 

Likewise....if you don't talk to them via NC it WON'T work if they don't want you back.

 

 

That is the truth. You CANNOT manipulate someone into being with you. So NC or no NC they will come back if they want to.

 

What NC does however is help you to be dignified and not torture yourself if such is the case that they don't want you. It gives you time to GROW and to separate yourself from all your emotions that may be irrational so that you can actually THINK and introspect. If they do want you...it will also give time for you and them to think and for you to not seem desperate/annoying/crazy.

 

It is a win-win. If they DON'T want you....then you still cna walk away with your dignity and then heal and move on. If they DO want you...you can start over with your dignity and grow.

 

But again....think about yourself...do you think someone can trick or manipulate you into wanting them? If not...same with your ex! Just like you only want who you want, cuz you want them...that's the same with them. And even if you can trick someone into wanting you or missing you to "come back"...believe, it will NOT last. So might as well have it be that they do it on their own 100%.

 

If you've been praying to God...God knows best. Sometimes what we THINK we want and THINK is right and meant to be, isn't. Let go and let God. If you've been praying, then as you said, you will eventually be brought back together but you can't try to force it. What's meant to be will be...and if it's not, you WILL find better.

Edited April 7, 2011 by Beeotch

[Fufu]

Beeotch: Completely agree with you, "It is a win-win. If they DON'T want you....then you still cna walk away with your dignity and then heal and move on. If they DO want you...you can start over with your dignity and grow."

 

This is NC for me, personally I think I posted the same thing on another thread which ask about what's NC as well.

 

NC is mainly and solely for yourself, for yourself to move on from the past broken and failed relationship and discover what you can do for yourself without your ex being in your life anymore.

 

That little hope that he/she will come back for you will only hinder your healing process. This may sound cruel and mean to some of you but it is the fact if you do want to start moving forward and be happy again.

 

If your ex bf/gf is truly in love with you and realize they made the BIGGEST mistake, let him/her be the one to initiate the SINCERE contact and action to get you back. By then, you would have already moved on and will be able to think logically if he/she is worth to be with again, whether this once broken relationship is worth to relive again. Whether, this very person is serious in working things out with you and be truly committed to you and not dropping you off again.

 

Most of the cases we see over in this sub-forums are usually breadcrumbs (of course I do believe there are exes that come back sincerely and real for their exes), the reasons why Dumpees pick on breadcrumbs so easily because generally they are still having romantic feelings for their exes and still most likely questioning themselves why their exes chose to leave them and blaming themselves over what caused the years of relationship to end.

 

Dumpers made their own choice to leave the Dumpees. In each and every relationship, no one is always right, and no one is always at fault. We learned from our mistakes and be a better person. However, if one of a individual in a relationship refuses to work things out with his/her partner, no matter how compatible the couple is, the couple will face issue of sustaining the relationship. At this moment, the couple had different thoughts and ideals in the relationship. The Dumper wants out of the relationship and the Dumpee still sees hope in the relationship.

 

If Dumpers makes the first contact with the Dumpee, do not over analyze the intention from the Dumper because it can mean so many reasons:

 

- It could mean the Dumper misses spending time with Dumpee, just spending time but nothing about getting back with the Dumpee.

 

- It could mean the Dumper just wants to come back to be Dumpee's friend and nothing more.

 

- It could also mean the Dumper just wants to come back to treat the Dumpee as a fall back plan or the most cruel one to come back for Dumpee for lust.

 

Any Dumpees who haven't move on may fall into any of the above traps if they are not careful, that's why we always hear about cases people breaking NC because their exes contact them once or twice or thrice and they start to think that their exes are coming back for them for real.

 

Remember, when they dropped you the break up bomb, they left you there, they left you crying alone, they left you questioning them, they left you feeling dejected, they left you blaming yourselves. They left you not willing to work any problems out with you and ultimately you felt the blow that you cause the relationship to end (which in fact it is never 1 person's fault for a relationship to come to an end.)

 

If they just come back like this, do think properly if they are really serious coming back for you or not. Because, if the Dumper is not being serious, the Dumpee will end up being hurt again.

 

NC is never about a game and a tool to use to get your exes back. NC is for yourself to discover what you missed out in life when you were with your ex, NC is for yourself to discover what you can do so much in your life, NC is for yourself to realize what and who you've been neglecting when you are with your ex. NC is about getting your life back again and be even happier without your ex in your life.

 

NC could be a stranger and seems scary to all the Dumpees from the beginning, however when time sets in, NC will be your best friend and the support you will get to regain yourself back will come from NC itself.

 

My all-time favorite quote, "You want to be actively chosen, and not settled for."

 

My ex wanted to marry me too, even bought engagement rings together and planned the engagement this end of year. Guess what, he broke up with me last year in October. I used to think he was the one, however, he is no longer the one. You will want your serious and long-term relationship to be actively chosen each other. She actively chooses you and you actively choose her.

 

What I learned for myself from this whole ordeal is that one's true happiness cannot be relied and depended on another person.

[0hpenelope]

You can look at other threads and find out what NC is all about. The ex coming back is the side effect of going NC and not really the goal. When someone checks out of the relationship, the person being left behind can only do things to drive away the ex.

 

In a nutshell, not contacting the ex will get you on the faster path to healing. That's what it's for. You'll think about your ex a lot, but you'll get in the routine of not hearing from her, too. In any case, someone who doesn't want to hear from you, you can't talk to. Your ex defriending you from Facebook is a pretty telling sign.

 

You don't want to give NC a shot yet and that's up to you. Not everyone does initially. You're hopeful and I understand why; whether people like to acknowledge it or not, real reconciliations do happen and there's no formula to how those come about. But, in general, you're most likely to reinforce the negative viewpoint your ex has of you by begging, pleading, being desperate.

 

So you know... Go ahead and keep trying. It may work for you, but I advise that you take a good look at this forum + other relationship forums to see what usually comes with the spirited chase of someone who doesn't want to be with you, instead of focusing on your own healing. If you want to take a chance and see if you'll become one of those exes that gets your ex back, good for you and good luck!

 

And I agree with you that hope is a good thing. You really never know what life throws at you, but between actively scheming to get my ex back or actively healing, I choose the latter.

[Trevster]

I really appreciate that last goodbye it is a very hard time because this person has been through everything with me and i have had to grow up fast and she has always looked me in the eyes and told me she will never leave my side times i broke down and cried because of family problems she was always my stone.

 

But at the end of the day she is what drove me we spent everyday for 3 years together it was up and down but we loved eachother so much. 4 days before our break-up she was telling me how she wanted me to ask her to marry her for V-day and 2 days before the break up she was telling me how much sweetier and happier she is getting. When her last straw was taken away by a lie i was explaining myself to her and she told me she was starting to forgive me but then she went somewhere with her mom that night and then told me we needd to talk. It seems like she was brainwashed by her family because now at college she is doing stuff she always told me she never wanted to do.

 

My aunt intruded her space by commenting on a picture and saying things not but just taken my side and then she deleted my aunt and me off her facebook but left my brothers. She even took off all our pictures and I know her sister has a big effort on it because she is older than her sister but her sister can really be controlling to her and I have always been the one to stand up for her but now im not there so its like i have no pull on it. She wont talk to me because she knows i can tell her the truth and explain everything where she actually listens to me but she wont because its like there holding her back. I mean when she s first seen me after the break up right when she seen me she started to cry, we talked after that but it was at church and her family was right around the corner so it was like she was standing her ground on what they have told her to do. I do pray about it everyday because i could see it in her eyes that she didnt want to break up she didnt even look me in the eyes when she was telling me all this. When i ask her is she is done with me she is like " well i dont want to say no" then she will say idk how much hope is in the future. I see signs of the girl i know but it seems like none of this is her and there is no way she will talk to me!!! Know one but me really knows what i would go through for her because i could easily move on cause im a good looking guy but something in my heart is telling me not to give up.

[Trevster]

I really need alot of advice.!!!!!!! ANYONE!!

[loverboy1984]

Hey everyone here is giving you alot of good advice. You just want to hear what you want to hear and its not gonna happen. I came out of a 6 yr relationship, she still has my friends and family on her FB and talks to them but I have done NC for a month now. My situation looks more hopeful than yours but I like to think its over, even though I want her back. I want to believe the same things in you but this hope is making it hard to heal. Let it go and give her space. You are still too emotional to think straight and so is she. She already knows what you want so its time she decides what she wants. The best feeling is having her come to you genuinely and having you take her back. Just wait it out. Shes human too so she is probably thinking about you just like you are but dont let her take you for granted knowing no matter what you will be there. Show her and your self that you can move on, that will make you a good looking guy. Girls want a guy to feel safe and secure with not an insecure guy that looks for safety in them. My relationship was 3 years longer than yours and She broke up with me as Im studying for the most important exam of my career. Its hard but I cant let someone who is not in my life ruin my life.

 

It takes time. you will ask the same questions and you always have hope. But work on yourself so you can be a better person for the next person to come into your life, if not her. Good luck buddy.

[Fufu]

loverboy1984: I like this very much, "Its hard but I cant let someone who is not in my life ruin my life."

[Trevster]

@loverboy, hey i really appreciate that its not that I want people to tell me what I want to hear its just I read through a bunch of these threads and so many of them vary of people saying NC will make them come back NC will make you lose them and all kinds of things and it is just mind bobbling and it doesnt really make it worse but it gives me hope then it crushes me then i get hope then i get crushed so all in all it just varies and i guess its worse because she has kept going back and forth between we might get back together to we wont and you know like a see saw and it just feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Especially when she just told me to ask her to marry me that makes no sense at all.

[loverboy1984]

It has been so hard for me to keep no contact. I had to delete her number from my phone just so I dont do something stupid. Honestly in our break up conversation I felt powerless as she coldly let me down, then I got mad and yelled at her saying things like you wont find anything better than me. I regret that. But I realize that the only way to get your power back is to do no contact. I know Im a great guy and Ive been with alot of girls that see great things in me. I have a bright future and I know that I can do better. I know that I have the capacity to love and that I dont have blood on my hands from breaking someones heart. This gives me confidence and makes every day go by easier. I know I contributed alot to who she is now and I think of myself as a bigger person. Weather or not she realizes that now I dont care. If you believe in your self you can then give others a reason to believe in you.

 

I wrote a contract saying I will not contact her and if I do I have devalued myself. I said that by signing this contract I am standing by my word and trusting my self. If I cant take my own word who will? Everytime I have the urge to call I look at this contract. I also think of how patheticaly I was dropped like a hat after 6yrs.

 

Remember who you were before her. Remember the pain she has caused you. highlight your good qualities and her bad ones. Realize your bad qualities and know that if you can change them that you will be a perfect guy. Then realize that she probably doesnt see her bad qualities so even if she came back she would not be compatible with you. It takes two to tango. If your the one dancing alone while she stands there you will look like a fool. Every moment wasted thinking what if with her is a moment wasted not enjoying whats now with me.

[Trevster]

I understand all that but its hard, i have given her hard times and honestly i was nothing without her like i had no life i was lost because of so many family problems and life problems I needed her and I felt that she was led to me by the lord, but now it is hard because i feel i was dropped like i was nothing and seriously we been through everything together.

 

I just really am a lonely guy without her and it's not that i would take her back right away because in my eyes there was nothing wrong with her i never complained about her i loved every aspect about her it was me that there was always something wrong with well not always it was never something big. Like i said she was tellingme she wanted me to ask her to marry her. Then she deletes me off her facebook and all our pictures and it hurts because any good memory from my past and i mean ANY involves her.

 

It's just do i just stick to NC for my sake because I get the urge all the time to email her because text is pointless at this point and its just hard right now. Like I want to say something to her right now but finally i feel it that im the one that keeps spilling myself out while she just keeps telling people she is done with me. But people tell me to never give up on something you cant go a day without. If only i could really explain to you what she has been through with me and times i was low in my life and she would look me in he eyes and tell me she wont leave my side. I know that i couled never just be friends with her because my love is too great it has grown to love her personality as well. Like she could be a vegtable the rest of her life but i would throw away my carreer to take care of her ever waking day. I would remind her everyday how we feel in love or make her fall in love with me everyday. It's hard right now and im at a low point of confusion.

[0hpenelope]

The way you're thinking right now isn't attractive to anyone, especially your ex.

 

If you really want her back, you have to let her go completely. Don't worry about what will happen or what if she doesn't come back. It's really, really important to get the confident, self-loving you because when you feel good about yourself, good things follow you.

 

Not like this. You're obsessing about her, your chances, the possibilities. You really have to get yourself in order because even if you get her back next week or tomorrow, it will not work out because you haven't worked on yourself. You have to let go.

 

She knows how you feel. Let her come back to you if she wants to. You really need to get your stuff together, brother.

[geegirl]

If she is not wanting to reconcile and has pushed away your attempts to get back together again, you have to NC. It doesn't even matter what NC means at this point, whether it is to get her back, you to heal, for her to see the light, etc.

 

When someone wants to be left alone, you leave them alone. You must respect her request. Anything other than that, is going to push her even further away. It is going to make her resent you. Then, even if there was a chance of reconciling, you'd be well on your way to killing that.

 

I know you are hurt and you're trying to find comfort to ease your pain and desperation. You cannot get that from her. She is what is causing you this pain and desperation. Sending her an email or text for whatever reason, is not going to ease your pains in any way. It is only going to add to the bad feelings you are having because she can't give you the response you want and need.

 

You had great history with her. But sometimes relationships end. Things don't always stay the same. People change. Their needs and wants change. Their feelings change. And you cannot control that. She has made a decision and I am sure she has taken into consideration the past that you both have had with each other and unfortunately, she feels that she has to move on. You can't make her see the value of your R through your eyes. You can't force her to be where you want her to be. You have to try to accept this. You are holding on to the past for dear life and wanting it all to go back to what it was. But you know it won't. Confusing as it is to you, deep down you know that you have your answer. She's given it to you.

 

No contact is best for you now because not only has she ended the relationship, she's also not giving you any sign of hope. You now use NC to heal yourself emotionally and mentally. And if one day she decides to come back, you'll be able to decide with more clarity what and how you would like to move forward. If she does not come back, then you will be well on your way to emotional freedom. NC is hard. No one ever said it would be easy. But you have to give yourself a chance.

 

NC is a time to focus on yourself. You won't be able to do this anytime soon because you are consumed by her, but as you go through NC, try to start rebuilding yourself. You said you are a lonely guy. And it sounds like you lived your life around her. She's gone so now you have to concentrate on YOUR life and what you can make of it. Use this time to slowly map out a path for yourself. What are your passions? Try to make friends. Take up some classes. Join a hobby club. Start exercising. Read more. Maybe sign up for a volunteer program.

[Beeotch]

Fufu:

 

My all-time favorite quote, "You want to be actively chosen, and not settled for."

 

 

My ex wanted to marry me too, even bought engagement rings together and planned the engagement this end of year. Guess what, he broke up with me last year in October. I used to think he was the one, however, he is no longer the one. You will want your serious and long-term relationship to be actively chosen each other. She actively chooses you and you actively choose her.

 

What I learned for myself from this whole ordeal is that one's true happiness cannot be relied and depended on another person .

 

 

Looooove that! So very true.

 

Especially the last aspect about happiness not depending on another person. It is something we ALL struggle with. I remember before my ex and I got together I felt like I NEEDED a boyfriend to be happier....and life sure has a way of giving you what you "want" to prove a lesson. I did end up meeting him a month after thinking/feeling that and when we broke up a few months later, it became some of the worst emotional pain of my life....but from that came unparalleled growth!

 

Anyway, as you said, you want to be ACTIVELY CHOSEN. You want someone who is gonna choose you fully whom you can choose fully too and not relationships dependent upon twisting arms, manipulating and so forth. If you have to do all the reaching out and begging and pleading and compromising, then perhaps it is not so "meant to be".

[muzik_lvr]

Beeotch: Completely agree with you, "It is a win-win. If they DON'T want you....then you still cna walk away with your dignity and then heal and move on. If they DO want you...you can start over with your dignity and grow."

 

This is NC for me, personally I think I posted the same thing on another thread which ask about what's NC as well.

 

NC is mainly and solely for yourself, for yourself to move on from the past broken and failed relationship and discover what you can do for yourself without your ex being in your life anymore.

 

That little hope that he/she will come back for you will only hinder your healing process. This may sound cruel and mean to some of you but it is the fact if you do want to start moving forward and be happy again.

 

If your ex bf/gf is truly in love with you and realize they made the BIGGEST mistake, let him/her be the one to initiate the SINCERE contact and action to get you back. By then, you would have already moved on and will be able to think logically if he/she is worth to be with again, whether this once broken relationship is worth to relive again. Whether, this very person is serious in working things out with you and be truly committed to you and not dropping you off again.

 

Most of the cases we see over in this sub-forums are usually breadcrumbs (of course I do believe there are exes that come back sincerely and real for their exes), the reasons why Dumpees pick on breadcrumbs so easily because generally they are still having romantic feelings for their exes and still most likely questioning themselves why their exes chose to leave them and blaming themselves over what caused the years of relationship to end.

 

Dumpers made their own choice to leave the Dumpees. In each and every relationship, no one is always right, and no one is always at fault. We learned from our mistakes and be a better person. However, if one of a individual in a relationship refuses to work things out with his/her partner, no matter how compatible the couple is, the couple will face issue of sustaining the relationship. At this moment, the couple had different thoughts and ideals in the relationship. The Dumper wants out of the relationship and the Dumpee still sees hope in the relationship.

 

If Dumpers makes the first contact with the Dumpee, do not over analyze the intention from the Dumper because it can mean so many reasons:

 

- It could mean the Dumper misses spending time with Dumpee, just spending time but nothing about getting back with the Dumpee.

 

- It could mean the Dumper just wants to come back to be Dumpee's friend and nothing more.

 

- It could also mean the Dumper just wants to come back to treat the Dumpee as a fall back plan or the most cruel one to come back for Dumpee for lust.

 

Any Dumpees who haven't move on may fall into any of the above traps if they are not careful, that's why we always hear about cases people breaking NC because their exes contact them once or twice or thrice and they start to think that their exes are coming back for them for real.

 

Remember, when they dropped you the break up bomb, they left you there, they left you crying alone, they left you questioning them, they left you feeling dejected, they left you blaming yourselves. They left you not willing to work any problems out with you and ultimately you felt the blow that you cause the relationship to end (which in fact it is never 1 person's fault for a relationship to come to an end.)

 

If they just come back like this, do think properly if they are really serious coming back for you or not. Because, if the Dumper is not being serious, the Dumpee will end up being hurt again.

 

NC is never about a game and a tool to use to get your exes back. NC is for yourself to discover what you missed out in life when you were with your ex, NC is for yourself to discover what you can do so much in your life, NC is for yourself to realize what and who you've been neglecting when you are with your ex. NC is about getting your life back again and be even happier without your ex in your life.

 

NC could be a stranger and seems scary to all the Dumpees from the beginning, however when time sets in, NC will be your best friend and the support you will get to regain yourself back will come from NC itself.

 

My all-time favorite quote, "You want to be actively chosen, and not settled for."

 

My ex wanted to marry me too, even bought engagement rings together and planned the engagement this end of year. Guess what, he broke up with me last year in October. I used to think he was the one, however, he is no longer the one. You will want your serious and long-term relationship to be actively chosen each other. She actively chooses you and you actively choose her.

 

What I learned for myself from this whole ordeal is that one's true happiness cannot be relied and depended on another person.

 

@Fufu-This is probably the best post I've read here on LS so far. Thank you for this.

 

@Trevster-We all know it is very difficult for you right now. Many here are still suffering the pain of a break-up from the one they love(ed) and are trying to heal, so we can relate. There has been really good advice given on this thread alone already. I suggest you re-read what some of the people have already said and really focus on personal healing right now. I also would suggest NC, as your ex-gf has made it clear that that is what she wants. Honor her request and show that you really do care about her by stepping back and allowing both of you time & space to really think through things and settle your emotions. Give it time, man. Time will heal your wounds, as it has been doing for me in my own situation.

[Trevster]

Ok, most of yalls comments have really helped i know how im acting isnt attractive at all to anyone. I mean yea it makes me looks pathetic and like a loner but really iv always been an outgoing funny guy that everyone loves to be around and i know i need to continue to be that same person so i can be attractive to everyone. It is really hard because of my past and how she has always been there.

 

It;s right if begging and pleading is the way to get someone back than that isnt right it needs to be NC for them to realize they want someone and that they made a mistake or NC for dumped to get better and really find yourself. Its hard because i have had no closure like she doesnt be honest on if she is done or not because she wont look me in the eyes and tell me or stand her ground on what she has to say.

 

Its hard because me and her sister came to college together 3 hours away from our home town and now her sister has got her brainwashed because when we broke up she didnt want to do it and couldnt look at me in the eyes and tell me its all her family because she is easily controlled and people tell me that, that controlling can burn out and she could realize the type of mistake she made. So i am using this NC to really find myself and what is best for me and how i can start to react to everything that life throws me right now even at my lowest point. But i shouldnt let someone get me this low, its not up to them its up to me.....

 

Yall have really been a big help of course some stuff i dont want to hear and some stuff i do but at the end of the day it all meshes together and can work in ways that know one would have imagined and i still would like advice because i want to become that person that first attracted her so i can get back on track wherever that may be......

[tiffin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBI4Bh2z9W8 This link relates to this. I thought it was very good.

[Fufu]

Fufu:

 

 

Looooove that! So very true.

 

Especially the last aspect about happiness not depending on another person. It is something we ALL struggle with. I remember before my ex and I got together I felt like I NEEDED a boyfriend to be happier....and life sure has a way of giving you what you "want" to prove a lesson. I did end up meeting him a month after thinking/feeling that and when we broke up a few months later, it became some of the worst emotional pain of my life....but from that came unparalleled growth!

 

Anyway, as you said, you want to be ACTIVELY CHOSEN. You want someone who is gonna choose you fully whom you can choose fully too and not relationships dependent upon twisting arms, manipulating and so forth. If you have to do all the reaching out and begging and pleading and compromising, then perhaps it is not so "meant to be".

 

 

I felt I NEED my ex to be happy too, but then some come and go in our life. I met up with my ex too and it hurt me lots too, I'm go glad we both walk out of those emotional pain period.

 

 

muzik_lvr: Thanks

Edited April 8, 2011 by Fufu

[Fufu]

Trevster: It's definitely fine to make mistakes or not so cool actions in the midst of healing. After all, we are human beings.

 

You will gain the true closure from yourself and not from her or anyone else.

[Trevster]

I had to see her for a second today because her sister couldn't like get something from me! They told me to leave my car unlocked but i didn't in time and was forced to see her and I know it was hard for both of us I gave her what her sister needed! I also gave her back her pajama pants and t shirts because I didn't want them they reminded me of her! I walked off and looked back and she was looking at me and I turned my head the only words said was she said thank you and I said see you later that was it! I wanted to ask he why she left me but I felt it wasn't time I didn't want to push her more but I'm glad she had to see me to feel something! Idk if it was bad or good but I felt like she neede to see me we haven't seen each othe in 3 weeks but nothing big happened! Is it ever hopeless I mean she had to feel something! Anyone!!!!!!