vampyress86 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) Firstly allow me to introduce myself, I am a 24 year old mother of one who has been with my partner who is 39 for over four years. We have a rather unorthodox relationship which may make it difficult for others to understand where I got into a relationship with my partner despite the fact he did not like me being overweight (I weighed 18 stone at the time). He got into the relationship in the understanding I was unhappy with my weight and thus would change it. I have always had a problem with my insecurities, after being sexually abused by my father and then emotionally abused by the father of my child I lost almost all of my self esteem and self worth, and I fully realise that as a result of these feelings and depression I have not been the easiest person to live with. I made excuses for not losing weight and eventually the situation dragged on to a point where my partner warned me that not losing the weight would put our relationship at risk of him meeting another woman. At the time I was extremely upset but after some reflection and empathy I realised that I needed to do this for me and it would make me happy. Over the last two months I have worked out every day, ditched the junk and lost two stone and countless inches of fat. My partner recently started working abroad however and this is where the problems in our relationship started. I accept that my insecurities were always going to make this difficult however he recently went out with some friends and the knock on effect and reactions from him have left me reeling and feeling lower than i've ever felt despite the positive steps I have taken towards overcoming my problems. My partner went out abroad until 4:30am, and when I asked him about his night he proceeded to tell me how his friend was encouraging him to have an affair and whilst the rest of the group all had there wives, that same friend brought along a single extremely attractive woman, my partner was the only single man. My partner confessed to being attracted to this woman and admitted to giving this woman a lift home a few days later despite having told me that he spent no time alone with her previously. At the time I was exceptionally angry but he reassured me that it was entirely innocent and in no way were any flirtatious advances made by either party. A few days after he causually brought up that she tried it on in his car, although he denied its significance and claimed it was innocent and he wasn't sure if her sudden attempts to talk about sex were in fact flirting. He claims nothing happened although he is quite defensive of her, and won't hear me say a bad thing about her, and refuses to tell me anything about her beyond her name, claiming that despite spending time with her in a private situation he never spoke about what she does or her interests. He also pointed out that although it makes me feel uncomfortable he has no intention of avoiding her, to the extent he plans on going to her birthday party next month, as to avoid her would be feeding my insecurities. Unfortunately these insecurities are made worse when he tells me if he was younger I wouldn't be attractive enough for him and he'd be more interested in a woman like her. He justifies my discomfort and upset about this situation as being down to my own insecurities and feels that I should either trust him or don't. I decided to believe him and let it go, and although something doesn't feel right about the situation I have gone to extreme lengths to leave it and not to keep dragging it up. My partner came back from abroad a few days ago, and 2 days before his arrival told me for the first time how he loved me and how I was as close to his soulmate as a person could be. I was extremely touched and grateful that we had apparently bridged the gap between us. He began suggesting some more experimental sex techniques and asking me to change my makeup which I was more than happy to oblige thinking this would be an opportunity to bond. However on his second day back he started to accuse me of being too submissive and that I needed to stand up for myself after he gave me a hard time about wanting to have some meat (I have mostly avoided meat during my diet, preferring Quorn) and I got defensive and attempted to justify myself. He spent the next two days left of his visit (the first in 5 weeks) refusing to touch me whilst claiming he was only trying to wind me up. When I told him that it was hurting me and ruining what little time we had together he claimed he couldn't hug me because it would be giving in to my insecurity and he refused to do that. When I attempted to talk to him about it when he got home he ended up blaming the entire situation on me and pretty much told me that i'm insane, and that I need to change and that the solution to the problem that arose at the weekend is just not to let it bother me. He also told me that he was considering splitting up despite the fact he had told me he loved me for the first time only a few days before, and when I asked him to stop critising me he claimed he would only do it when I stopped doing things that deserved critism. After a few hours of calming down we spoke again and things seemed alright however when speaking today he seemed in an extreme rush. He claimed he wanted to play his game and have some time to himself and I thought nothing of it until he vanished offline (normally he leaves his comp on unless he's going out) and this has become a relatively regular occurance. The honest fact is that any time I bring up a problem, or something that affects me, it's always the same excuse, it's actually reached a point where I feel insane and can't trust my own instincts anymore. I truely do love him and I am going through high and hell water to be a better person for myself, thus inevitably him, but i'm not sure whether I have anything to give him that's enough. It's actually reached a point where he refuses to accept any responsibility in the relationship. His sudden hot and cold attitude is making me question everything, from asking me to change my makeup, our sex life, my personality... I can't tell if i'm being rational or not. I'm not sure if the reason we're failing is because I am too insecure and unreasonable, or if i'm fighting a losing battle. All I know is I feel like i'm having my soul ripped out. I appreciate any feedback and thank you for your time Edited April 7, 2011 by vampyress86
TinaniT Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 He is not treating you right. Can you PM yet? I ask because the "unconventional relationship" comment... and I have some thoughts on how some men use a certain type of unconventional relationship as a cover up for their abusive behavior, and there is a difference. PM me if you want.
Author vampyress86 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 I'm afraid I can't private message yet as I have only been a member since today and this is my first post
Author vampyress86 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) I think the most agonising part over all of this is knowing I have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty for my concerns, the fact is if I am entirely honest with myself he has given off plenty of signals for alarm bells to start firing. When a man admits he is attracted to another woman then starts asking for continually new sexual activities, asks you to change your makeup and to be more aggressive and forthright in your requests after four years of knowing you it is always going to give concerns. Even more so when they make you feel unreasonable for the concern and plan on spending time with them even though they know it's making a long distance relationship into a nightmare for their partner. The part that disgusts me is how my neediness has intensified over my concerns. My emotions seem to be over writing my inhibitions. With him being long distance at the moment and with him having a seperate mobile for work there's no way I can possibly know if something is wrong other than the way he treats me. It's reached such a point that the fact he hasn't been online since dinner time last night concerns me since normally he'll come online at work to say hey. I'm beginning to feel like the fact i'm so concerned is making me look for signs and I really have no idea how to stop. He is meant to finish his contract overseas in June but is pondering extending until christmas. I have no control over the situation and i'm a sitting duck while he's acting like a cat on a hot tin roof . If i'm getting this upset and strained just over the thought he's up to no good, should I take it as a sign that it's broken? Voicing my concerns is pointless as he now shuts down entirely whenever she is mentioned. I have to wonder if i'm punishing him for being honest or not. God this man has made me question my instincts for so long I can't even tell when i'm right or wrong anymore. [edit] he was also kind enough to point out a porn movie he found online with a woman who he claimed looked extremely like her and then send it to me, claiming he really couldn't figure out if it was her, so now I not only get the image of what she might look like but also see in her in a sexually provocative manner. Who would have thought that honesty should have boundaries... Edited April 7, 2011 by vampyress86
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