Just ended affair.... hurting

[KineticsEng]

Good afternoon everyone. I have been reading a lot of your posts in this forum trying to gain some clarity about my own situation. You all have been a tremendous help thus far…. So much so I have decided to share my story with you all her with hopes of more detailed opinions and feedback from you. Here goes…..

 

I’m a MM who became had a AP/EA with a MW. Here are our specifics…. I’m 33, married for 4 years now and we have a 2 year old daughter. The MW is 42, married for 14 years and has two kids, 11 and 12. We met through work as she’s a sales woman whom I had to deal with pretty regularly. Pretty much immediately we knew that we really liked each other and got along very well. We became friends.. talked about our lives… kids… our marriages… ect. Through our friendship I shared that im not really happy in my marriage. I felt / feel like my wife and I never really had they intimacy that I have since learned that I need. There are other issues but the intimacy thing was what was becoming the deal breaker for me. I had been talking to her and trying to let her know that it was a problem for me for years… long before we even became engaged. Early on the other parts of our relationship were fine. I was in love with her. I just figured that over time our intimacy and sex would improve as we grew with one another. Well about 4 years into the marriage I began to come to the conclusion that maybe this just wasn’t going to happen….. she and I were just very different in that department. Other issues also presented themselves that really made me question our union together. Enter the MW.

 

She told me about her life and how she is treated at home ect by her husband ect…. And of course we developed feelings for each other. She told me that she never really realized that she was unhappy until she met me. And that I woke something up inside her that she couldn’t get rid of. We fell deeply in love. She knew I was unhappy… and wanted to be that one that made me happy. And loved me the way I needed to be loved. And I wanted to be the same for her….. from the beginning we were both pretty clear that we were not leaving our spouses for each other. If I leave my wife it’s for personal reasons and not for this OW. And she wouldn’t leave her H for 1. Fear of him taking the kids away… and 2. She watned to maintain a stable household for them. So we were in a EA / AP for approximately 6 months. We both fantasized about a life together and rising our kids ect. But we both knew that for the reasons stated above it wasn’t in the cards. So we would just enjoy each other while we could. She lies about 400 miles from me so we only ever saw each other about 4 times. But we talked and or texted just about every day.

 

Well last week her H looked through her cell phone bill (which listed our texts) and found out about us. The OW pretty much went silent on me while she dealt with this for a few days… I send her an email because I was worried about her because it wasn’t like her to just disappear on me. She eventually contacted me and told me what happened. And that she couldn’t talk now. I understood. And for a few more days I wanted for her worried about what was going on in her world and how she was handling it. But in my head I knew it was over. Well yesterday she finally called me. She was not in a good place and she informed me that she was correct about her H reaction. He threatened to get a lawyer and take the kids… so she was understandably scared and still in shock about the whole ordeal. We talked for a bit and continued to profess our love for each other… but because of the kids… she had to work on her marriage. And she couldn’t do that in a relationship with me. Of course I understood and we agreed that it was over. We were both wrecks but knew it had to be. Earlier that morning I had written her a long email expressing my regret that I put her in this position and how I felt for her…. But during our call I told her I wouldn’t send it as I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire… she told me she wanted to read it. So this afternoon I told her I would mail it, and I did. She told me that she would already having major issues with knowing I wouldn’t be there for her anymore. This was just a few hours ago. We are currently NC. I don’t know what is going to happen when she gets my letter… I know it will hurt her to read… but she wanted it. I hope to hear from her but for her sake I hope she can resist the urge. I know we need to be apart for her to have any hope in saving her marriage.

 

So here I stand…. Broken hearted like many of you have been. Missing what used to be. I plan to go to counseling with my wife to see what can be done for our marriage. I’m not very hopeful that it’s going to work. But I need to at least try. My wife is very much aware that we are in a bad place and even suspects my affair. Either way I feel she needs to know the truth. We are both young enough that we can start over and find spouses that treat us the way we deserve to be treated. Ill always be a great father to my little girl and friend to my wife should she become my ex.

I also hope that the OW has the courage to fight for her children and leave her H. Not for me…. But because she deserves to be loved and be happy as well. I think children deserve to see the real deal. Not just two adults making nice for the sake of the kids. I know I won’t do it. I want my daughter to have the real deal… and see what it looks like. If one day the OW and I find ourselves single and available… as we discussed in the past… we don’t have any grand illusions that we will run off and get married. We would take things slowly.. and just date… really get to know each other… the good and the bad and go from there. I know in my heart of hearts that she could be the one for me. I love her that much. And she feels the same about me. I want to hold out hope that this could be one day… but my brain says… “Wake up dummy! She’s all about the kids.. And that means no you” And so ill give her the space she needs…. And see what happens with my wife.

Thanks for reading through this long winded story….. all of this is so fresh still…. I’m just numb from the hurt still…

[whichwayisup]

Do yourself a huge favour and confess to your wife. It's better she hear the news that you had an affair right from you rather than the MW's husband. Many betrayed spouses inform the affair partner's spouse to really put an end to the affair.

 

Do your best to stay in NC mode.

[carrie999]

Welcome to LS, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you have a rough road ahead, even after coming to terms with the end of your affair. Based on what you said, it seems unlikely that you and the OW/MM will end up together, and you need to figure out how to proceed with you own marriage. The affair made you realize that you're unhappy with your wife in a way that you hadn't fully processed before that. Here's the question: if the affair continued, do you think you would have divorced your wife to pursue this relationship? And now that it's over, are you more likely to try to work on your marriage? I ask this because this part resonates with me:

 

Through our friendship I shared that im not really happy in my marriage. I felt / feel like my wife and I never really had they intimacy that I have since learned that I need. There are other issues but the intimacy thing was what was becoming the deal breaker for me. I had been talking to her and trying to let her know that it was a problem for me for years… long before we even became engaged. Early on the other parts of our relationship were fine. I was in love with her. I just figured that over time our intimacy and sex would improve as we grew with one another. Well about 4 years into the marriage I began to come to the conclusion that maybe this just wasn’t going to happen….. she and I were just very different in that department. Other issues also presented themselves that really made me question our union together. Enter the MW.

 

I'll explain what I mean. My MM has stated exactly the same thing. He and his wife felt tremendous passion initially because it was new (they were eachother's firsts). And that passion died down in a matter of months, and he spent the next few years trying everything to recapture it. He proposed and they got married because he figured that he could work at that seemingly small aspect of things, and that passion wasn't the key to a lasting marriage anyway. Eventually, years into the marriage, it was only him initiating anything. He had brought it up for years, but came to the same conclusion you did...it just wasn't going to happen.

 

I didn't realize until months into our affair that passion was one of the key things missing from my relationship with my fiance. I'm am completely at fault here. My fiance and I started out as close friends and I fell in love with him long before our first kiss. That first kiss was incredible, but when we finally consummated our relationship, it was awkward and not very satisfying for me. It was for him, so I figured it would figure itself out as we got to know eachother more intimately. Long story short, it never did, but I never discussed that with him honestly. I kept trying, but eventually just gave up and admitted to myself but not him that we were sexually incompatible, at least from my point of view.

 

In your case, both of the stories I've told may be relevant to your marriage. Maybe she's not a very sexual or passionate woman, but a wonderful and devoted wife and mother to your child. Or maybe you are not very compatible sexually and she feels it too, but not enough to be a dealbreaker for her. Obviously only you (and she) can answer any of that, and if the latter is true, it might be something you can work on if it's the main issue you're having with her.

 

Either way, it's time to get honest with her AND yourself. First, you need to decide if you even really want this to work with her. Part of that is figuring out whether you'd try to make it work after realizing that someone else so fully met your needs...whether or not you'll be with her again. I know that in my case, I have long since decided that I'd rather be alone than with my fiance because MM made me realize what I've been missing on a fundamental level. MM has said the same about us...he is going to divorce even if I'm not there when it finally happens because too much is missing from their marriage.

 

If you still think that this marriage might be worth saving, you need to be honest with your wife about all the issues you're having. Start by talking openly and honestly with her about the lack of passion and intimacy...it will likely lead to MC. It will also mean you have to come clean and be transparent about the affair, because you're otherwise re-building based upon a lie.

 

Sorry for the long-winded response. I hope this helps in some way.

[TurboGirl]

Hmmm don't agree with "confessing" to your wife unless you are forced by your MW's husband's action or your therapist tells you too. If you are planning on staying married you will have to put some effort into it. I'm sure I'm in the minority on not confessing, but I feel why add hurt there if you are planning on working on your marriage.

 

Why I always say don't confess to your spouse & blab everything, a therapist I went to years ago told me that your spouse does not need to know every little thing you think & feel, and if you make a huge mistake, ie., A, confessing might make YOU feel better, but think about how horrible your spouse will feel. Again, many won't agree with me, but that is my opinion.

 

Some people are just not capable of that deep intimate connection and sharing all those feelings. That doesn't mean they love you any less. It is just part of who they are. They are there for you as much as they can possibly be. You can ask her to try & work on it, but you may just have to look for the good - the reasons that you fell in love with your wife in the first place way back when and accept that at face value.

 

About the MW, gotta stay NC. NC is the only way to start to heal. Yes, I know all about the missing of the emails & the texts and phone calls. That will fade in time.

[Emme]

Thank you for posting. It was nice of you to share your story with us. I am sorry you are sad right now, we all know the feeling. I do wish you the best of luck with working on your marriage. If you could try and put your all into the counseling. You don't seem thrilled but I hope deep down inside you are. You are just missing her right now because you love her. The pain will stay with you for a while and cry if you need to. It helps. Hope to see you posting, we need a male perspective sometimes. Two things in your post stood out to me and I wanted to just talk about them.

 

I was in love with her. I just figured that over time our intimacy and sex would improve as we grew with one another.

 

I see this a lot in posts. Someone is not being themselves just not to "upset" their partner. I think a lot of times people who get married hold back their true self. I don't know if it has to do with fear of letting your partner see the real you. Put that is the person you should be able to open up and be yourself with. It's ok to be freaky in the bed room. You are not a bad person for wanting to "experiment"/a sexual position/passion. If married people would just say honey I want to do what that woman in a porn lets say is doing then you would see the real person you are marrying. If you can't be yourself with the one you're with you have no where to turn but to somewhere/someone else.

 

Fear of him taking the kids away…

This is something that I also do not understand. The taking away of the children as though because someone has cheated they do not love their children. When someone cheats they don't just love their children less or none at all. I don't know where this notion came from. People cheat on their spouse. Period. The love for your child is brought into question. How, I don't know... If anyone would like to explain it to me please try. No love a parent has for their child can vanish because of an affair, none. It's really poisonous to think that way.

[bentnotbroken]

Tell her and let her go. You can still parent your child without being with your wife or her friend.

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't interpret that threat as being due to an A, but simply a scare tactic to keep her in line if she thought of leaving him period. When the OW told the OP that, the A hadn't been discovered yet.

 

The thing that gets me is that anyone in the US today knows that in most states, infidelity plays little to no role in divorce proceedings. So unless she's afraid he'd physically harm the children (which I didn't get in what OP wrote) then it's a baseless threat anyway most likely. So either (a)she hasn't checked on the laws in her area, or (b) she lives in an area that would consider infidelity in a marital division and custody issue, or © there are other reasons she either believes he can take them away, or (d)she's not ready to walk from the M yet.

 

Regardless, some interpret infidelity as a form of emotional abuse. One could make the argument that a cheater is an emotionally abusive person. If it could be proven that there was any neglect of the children during the A, i.e. spending time away from the family to entertain the A, and that time could be shown to have negatively impacted the children (absentee parent) then someone might have a moral case. A legal case, not likely.

 

Another argument on that front is that a person cheating is risking destroying the family unit for "fun" thereby has not thought of the children's interests or wellbeing.

 

I think these arguments have some merit, but I don't think it's as cut and dry as the arguments are presented. I don't personally think a cheating spouse loves their children less, but I think they're not always the best parents they can be when in an A.

 

 

Though there are no longer laws on the books concerning parenting and infidelity, depending on the state, county and jurisdiction...it can have an effect on the division of property and visitation. Some places especially small communities, cheating is considered in decisions. It may not be norm, but judges are still individuals with minds of their own. I used his cheating as leverage to get the settlement I wanted. His reputation(not much of one anymore)was important, so he gave me what I wanted.

[Emme]

I didn't interpret that threat as being due to an A, but simply a scare tactic to keep her in line if she thought of leaving him period. When the OW told the OP that, the A hadn't been discovered yet.

 

The thing that gets me is that anyone in the US today knows that in most states, infidelity plays little to no role in divorce proceedings. So unless she's afraid he'd physically harm the children (which I didn't get in what OP wrote) then it's a baseless threat anyway most likely. So either (a)she hasn't checked on the laws in her area, or (b) she lives in an area that would consider infidelity in a marital division and custody issue, or © there are other reasons she either believes he can take them away, or (d)she's not ready to walk from the M yet.

 

Regardless, some interpret infidelity as a form of emotional abuse. One could make the argument that a cheater is an emotionally abusive person. If it could be proven that there was any neglect of the children during the A, i.e. spending time away from the family to entertain the A, and that time could be shown to have negatively impacted the children (absentee parent) then someone might have a moral case. A legal case, not likely.

 

Another argument on that front is that a person cheating is risking destroying the family unit for "fun" thereby has not thought of the children's interests or wellbeing.

 

I think these arguments have some merit, but I don't think it's as cut and dry as the arguments are presented. I don't personally think a cheating spouse loves their children less, but I think they're not always the best parents they can be when in an A.

 

Thank you for your point of view. It just seems like a cruel tactic to use a child though. Or just the idea a person can't be a parent because they are having an affair. Your last statement has me a little worried. If you fall out of love with your partner you are penalized for loving someone else. Love is love, if that does happen. You weren't penalized for loving your spouse and you weren't seen as unfit when you loved them. Now that you aren't any more you are deemed unfit. I understand the logic of the harm it can cause to children but the reasoning just seems too black and white.

[KineticsEng]

Ive read all of your replies thus far and they all help....

 

So additional information...

 

Re. my wife and I. She has never been overly sexual... when we were just dating we were ok at best in this department. But the instant we really commented to a monogamous relationship she shut it down... And I told her that I noticed this immediately. No spontaneousness.... now risk.. no real fun. Just sex from time to time..... Now me.... I had only one really serious relationship before my wife. My GF a at the time was 44 and I was 22. Obviously it started out as just sex.... and it was outstanding. But it grew into much more than that. I really loved her despite her age. Lived together for years. Curring most of that time she had issues with her age in relation to mine. And felt she had to compete with younger women. I never gave her any reason to feel this way. She had my full attention and support. But eventually it was too much for her to bear... she knew I would want a family one day... and she had done all of that already ( she had an 18 year old daughter that also lived with us). So she ended the relationship because she new I would eventually ( didn't see it at the time). My and I were friends throughout this relationship. And she didn't like it. She didn't like the fact that she would White for one.... and the fact that she was twice my age (22 years older). She actually tried to take me away from her but I wouldn't cheat.

 

I pretty much started dating my now wife right after my break up. Sex with my wife has never been like it was it my ex. And Ive been accustomed to that.... Ive always been a really nice guy... respectful... ect... so when I noticed the sexual issues with my now wife we talked about it then... she apologized and blamed her lack of desire on hormones and birth control. How can I argue that? So I accepted it. And I didn't want to be the guy that pressured her for sex all of the time.... So I didn't.

 

More about me. I consider myself to be a pleaser. I really do aim to please my mate. So to that end.. my wife and her family are very religious... and I am not. However... while dating her and her family always wanted me to go to church with them ect... I always respectfully declined. As our relationship progressed I decided to go with her because it made her happy. Things went on... and our relationship was good. Largely because I make myself very easy to live with... I pick my fights so most things I will usually conform to. Again... especially with the sex issue I hoped she would come around.. things would work out. We go married and I just new that at least on our wedding night the sex would be great..... not so. She was tired and didn't even want to. I made a big deal about it and we finally did. But it wasn't anything special... and that should have been a huge red flag to me. But I went on. Throughout our years of marriage there have been times when I have asked for things.... for example... I'm not to keen on sex when she is on her period. So we dont have it. We can do other things right? So I asked her for oral sex... ( would gladly do it for her if she asked) and her reply was... why would I? Whats in it for me? Ill never forget that. And its been in the back of my head since then.... and there are many other things.... So maybe about a year ago I began to get fed up with chasing her for sex all of the time..... and getting a yes maybe 2 or 3 times a month. So I began shutting down.... not asking for it. Pulling back on some of the things I did for her... just because..... I figured that if shes not willing to please me, why am I working so hard to please her. She began to notice and I explained the situation. She agreed to work on it and maybe for a week she did... but it aways goes back to they way its always been. And I realize that its just the way she is. I cant change her... nor should she have to change. Maybe we arent the best match for each other. Of course now we have a daughter and I love her family... and they love me. So its not as easy as just ending our marriage.

 

So fast forward to today... we are having our issues.. Shes not happy, im not happy.... Ive had this affair, so im REALLY not happy. And I suggested to my wife that we enter into counseling. She agreed so we will see what comes of that. I would love things to work out with us... but I dont hold much hope in that because she would almost have to become a different person.... or I would have to pretend to not have the wants and desires that I have.

 

I didn't have to pretend with my MW. We have seen the worst of each other (our lying to carry on the affair) and yet we still fell in love. She knows the real me. No judgement... lies. And I her. I know I have to let her go..... and I think I have to let my wife go too. Both of these experiences have helped me to learn more about myself....... grow up even. Had I been this man before I got married... I wouldn't have. Not yet anyway. Another major reason im very reluctant to leave is that I think it would crush her. Shes not in a good place with her job so shes already down about that.... and our marital issues are just bringing her down more. If I leave... I feel it may break her. I dont want to hurt her. I would love if we could still be friends through and after all of this......

 

If we do get divorced... I wont fight her for money.... she can have the house..... and I want joint custody of our little girl.

[Jane Deaux]

I hope you are doing ok. Or at least functioning. I'm finding it impossible to function today.

Your story is so similar to mine. I let my husband in on the fact that I wasn't happy and was talking to him more and making some plans to go one way or another.

And while I don't know that MM wife found anything out, he hasn't contacted me in 10 days. And I have no idea why. So I'm assuming she did and this is what has come of it. But either way, It hurts. Lots of emotions and back and forth being strong and being weak. Being sad and being angry. At least you know what happened. Find comfort in the fact that there is somewhat of closure for you.

 

Good Luck. I hope you find love no matter what.

[KineticsEng]

Others say that they want to rekindle that passion the had when the relationship was new... Ive never felt that. Im still looking for it. With the MW.. it was undeniable. I felt like I had been sleepwalking for all of these years and she woke me up. I feel alive again and I dont think I can ever go back to how I was. Im the old me again....... (for what its worth the MW feels the same)

 

Thanks for listening everyone..

[Jane Deaux]

Exactly! I never had it either. And I'm not trying to fall back in love with my husband. I never was in love. I always loved him. Married for the wrong reasons. But there it is. So I'm trying to find a start to something I guess. But I feel if I haven't fallen in love in 7 years how will i now after I found love with someone else. I don't know where to go from here.

 

I hope you do the right thing for you. It seems to be you are at least being honest with yourself about it being over. Are you doing counseling as a way to prove to you and wife that it's not salvageable? Are you going to end it anyway do you think? Gah I wish I had the nerve. How do you tell someone it's over? Or either MAKE it work? I don't know how to do either one.

[KineticsEng]

I hope you are doing ok. Or at least functioning. I'm finding it impossible to function today.

Your story is so similar to mine. I let my husband in on the fact that I wasn't happy and was talking to him more and making some plans to go one way or another.

And while I don't know that MM wife found anything out, he hasn't contacted me in 10 days. And I have no idea why. So I'm assuming she did and this is what has come of it. But either way, It hurts. Lots of emotions and back and forth being strong and being weak. Being sad and being angry. At least you know what happened. Find comfort in the fact that there is somewhat of closure for you.

 

Good Luck. I hope you find love no matter what.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words. I think im doing surprisingly well. I miss her... and fear I aways will. The hardest part is pretty much everything in my life now reminds me in someway of her. The music I listen to... My car... even my little gir to some extent..... (MW wanted to have a tea party wit her one day). But all in all.... im doing better than I thought. Im sad MW. I know shes going through hell right now. And she would want me to supporter her. But I cant. I hope she can fix her marring and her H learns to love her the way she wants to be loved. If not, I hope she has the courage to get out and live a good life. Even if its not with me.

[KineticsEng]

Exactly! I never had it either. And I'm not trying to fall back in love with my husband. I never was in love. I always loved him. Married for the wrong reasons. But there it is. So I'm trying to find a start to something I guess. But I feel if I haven't fallen in love in 7 years how will i now after I found love with someone else. I don't know where to go from here.

 

I hope you do the right thing for you. It seems to be you are at least being honest with yourself about it being over. Are you doing counseling as a way to prove to you and wife that it's not salvageable? Are you going to end it anyway do you think? Gah I wish I had the nerve. How do you tell someone it's over? Or either MAKE it work? I don't know how to do either one.

 

Love my wife also.... but I feel that maybe we both can be happy with someone else. And we both deserve that. I'm going to counseling because I know I dont know it all. Maybe we can work through these things.... If so, I'm all for it. But given my actions.... and other issues im noticing between us... im quite skeptical.

[Jane Deaux]

Hopefully the right decision will be apparent pretty quickly. So no one has to suffer longer than necessary. But at least it's out of your head and out in the open. That first step of bringing the "I'm unhappy" thoughts out into the light of day is so hard. Whew. At least that part is over. Good luck with it all. I hope that your MW can also find happiness. I hate thinking anyone is in a situation where they feel stuck in order to keep other people happy and neglect the fact that they themselves are not happy, and in that same regard their partner isn't getting all they need from someone who doesn't really want to be with them anyway.

 

I need to listen to my own words.

[KineticsEng]

Some of you suggested that I come clean about the affair...... I want to in ways but in others I dont. Her is why.

 

MW was the victim of an affair from her first marriage. The OW was a good friend of hers. As soon as our affair began she told me she was VERY conflicted. She couldnt stand being the OW and hurting my wife the way she was hurt in the past. She told me to never tell her of our affair because my wife would always compare herself to the the OW and be tormented by that for a long long time. And for this reason she was really upset with herself for doing this to her H...

 

And I can see her point. If I tell my wife about my affair.. ( think she already knows but is blocking it out ) two things will consume her... one.. the OW is white, and two she is older. Its going to crush her. Id much rather end the marriage for our reasons rather than her be burdened with this truth.

[KineticsEng]

I agree it's a cruel tactic to use the children.

 

The point of it is not that the spouse has fallen out of love with H/W and into love with someone else. That happens. It's the dynamics of the A that's detrimental moreso than a separation or divorce, at least IMO. There's a lot of guilt, hiding, time spent planning and executing time together. This usually takes time from family and/or work and can cause the family unit harm. From what I understand, the WS is often more critical of the BS during the A and that causes problems at home. If the A is discovered, that adds a whole new layer of upset to the whole thing. There's a lot of time spent in "limbo" (for lack of a better word) when the family dynamics are upset for a longer period than should be necessary.

 

If a spouse falls in love with someone else then that spouse should seek that love and end the marital relationship. I know that's easier said than done, but the willingness to stay in both relationships is what points out that the WS is putting his/her needs before anyone else's.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. The main reason MW and myself really only saw each other 4 times is that she was very busy with running the kids around.. work... Volunteering ect. She would never neglect her children for any reason. I wish I could tell her about this forum and and your responses. Maybe ill just send her the link to the forums and see if she can get some help here either by reading or posting herself.

[BB07]

Thanks for your reply. The main reason MW and myself really only saw each other 4 times is that she was very busy with running the kids around.. work... Volunteering ect. She would never neglect her children for any reason. I wish I could tell her about this forum and and your responses. Maybe ill just send her the link to the forums and see if she can get some help here either by reading or posting herself.

 

 

I wouldn't advise you to give up your anonymity on here.

 

My story is long and ugly and I won't go into details but I gave up my anonymity here @LS to the BS in my situation. I in no way regret talking to her or anything I said but LS was my safe place where no one knows me in real life and with everything that happened after xmm was outted it should have remained my safe place but in ways it wasn't. I struggled with wondering if she was reading my posts and some things I felt reluctant to post or there were times that I felt I couldn't be as open as I wanted to because I felt a need to be considerate of her feelings. I've turned a corner now and I'm more OK with it but if I had to do it again, I would NOT and I would advise you NOT to. Besides if you are NC........no contact mean NO contact and sending her links breaks that. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR marriage, not her.

[KineticsEng]

I wouldn't advise you to give up your anonymity on here.

 

My story is long and ugly and I won't go into details but I gave up my anonymity here @LS to the BS in my situation. I in no way regret talking to her or anything I said but LS was my safe place where no one knows me in real life and with everything that happened after xmm was outted it should have remained my safe place but in ways it wasn't. I struggled with wondering if she was reading my posts and some things I felt reluctant to post or there were times that I felt I couldn't be as open as I wanted to because I felt a need to be considerate of her feelings. I've turned a corner now and I'm more OK with it but if I had to do it again, I would NOT and I would advise you NOT to. Besides if you are NC........no contact mean NO contact and sending her links breaks that. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR marriage, not her.

 

Agreed. Thank you. Its just really bugging me that her H is using the kids against her. Thats the most chicken s*** move I could imagine. Even after being cheated on. I think shes knows that he cant legally use the kids against her but its more of the fact that he would fight her just fight her.. and that would surely involve and hurt the kids. And she wont do that. And thus I feel she will remain miserable with him...... Shes so much better than that.

[BB07]

Agreed. Thank you. Its just really bugging me that her H is using the kids against her. Thats the most chicken s*** move I could imagine. Even after being cheated on. I think shes knows that he cant legally use the kids against her but its more of the fact that he would fight her just fight her.. and that would surely involve and hurt the kids. And she wont do that. And thus I feel she will remain miserable with him...... Shes so much better than that.

 

 

I haven't followed closely all your posts but maybe she is exaggerating what he said or using it for an excuse for the affair or to get out of the affair or maybe her husband said that in a incredible amount of pain and won't follow it up with real actions or it could be 100% the truth. The point is....unless you are inside their walls and actually see and hear it, you can't know where the truth really lies. Focusing on her will not help you. Also you need to get her off the pedestal, she isn't Saint Mary......she IS a woman who had an affair, something is broken inside of her and you can't fix it. Be realistic here.

Edited April 7, 2011 by BB07

[katielee]

You and your wife are obviously not meeting each other's needs. Have you read The Five Love Languages? It helped my husband and I immensely.

 

Also, I don't get the "white" thing?

[KineticsEng]

You and your wife are obviously not meeting each other's needs. Have you read The Five Love Languages? It helped my husband and I immensely.

 

Also, I don't get the "white" thing?

 

 

I haven't read that but I have heard about it. And I can tell you without a doubt her and I are very different. The issue is she's unwilling or incapable to learn mine.

 

And the let's just call the " white " thing a touch of racism. At least when it comes to dating black men. And honestly, it's an extremely unattractive quality.

[Emme]

Agreed. Thank you. Its just really bugging me that her H is using the kids against her. Thats the most chicken s*** move I could imagine. Even after being cheated on. I think shes knows that he cant legally use the kids against her but its more of the fact that he would fight her just fight her.. and that would surely involve and hurt the kids. And she wont do that. And thus I feel she will remain miserable with him...... Shes so much better than that.

 

I think its just uncalled for to bring the children into anything. For me when my dad cheated on my mother, I recall hating him. I mean with a passion. If I could stab him with the kitchen knife I would have. But through it all I never recalled my mother bad mouthing him. She would always reinforce that he loved me. What he had done to her, it had nothing to do with me. My father loves me and that will never change. I thank her for that so much to this day. I could have been a child that hated her father. Instead the woman that he hurt taught me to love him. That's why when I see children being used to hurt/harm a spouse it really brings to light who is truly being the one that's hurtful.

[bentnotbroken]

Agreed. Thank you. Its just really bugging me that her H is using the kids against her. Thats the most chicken s*** move I could imagine. Even after being cheated on. I think shes knows that he cant legally use the kids against her but its more of the fact that he would fight her just fight her.. and that would surely involve and hurt the kids. And she wont do that. And thus I feel she will remain miserable with him...... Shes so much better than that.

 

 

I don't think anyone should use kids for leverage. But some of us think (and probably him) cheating is a pretty chicken s*** move...just saying.

[bentnotbroken]

Some of you suggested that I come clean about the affair...... I want to in ways but in others I dont. Her is why.

 

MW was the victim of an affair from her first marriage. The OW was a good friend of hers. As soon as our affair began she told me she was VERY conflicted. She couldnt stand being the OW and hurting my wife the way she was hurt in the past. She told me to never tell her of our affair because my wife would always compare herself to the the OW and be tormented by that for a long long time. And for this reason she was really upset with herself for doing this to her H...

 

And I can see her point. If I tell my wife about my affair.. ( think she already knows but is blocking it out ) two things will consume her... one.. the OW is white, and two she is older. Its going to crush her. Id much rather end the marriage for our reasons rather than her be burdened with this truth.

 

Comparing myself to the OW was the last thing on my mind. This is another example of people who cheat protecting themselves. Burden her...really.