Dazdnconfuzed Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Long stroy short: I met a female at work, we spoke and as time progressed we got a bit into eachother but both had failing relationships and i got out of mine in december (Didnt do it for anyone but myself). We kept on talking back and forth and get along real well. After she broke up with her bf of two years in Feb. i kind of pushed for a date but not to hard, she reponded with "I just cant do this yet and as of right now I dont want to deal with it or anything". I just say whoa... ok no pressure and leave it alone. We see each other at work and keep it light, just waves and smiles. She started texting me again in March, pretty much a month later. Small talk like how are you and this and that. Eventually i start kinda getting annoyed because I want something more and I start asking her some tough questions to which i cannot decipher the response so here it is: Me - Why are you being so distant with communicating but your smiles are so warm. I am not interested in bothering anyone where the interest isnt mutual. What is going on? Her - Funny... I was just typing you a text. I have been going through so much recently and I just do not know how to deal with it so at this point I am trying to do everything alone. How are you? Me - Doing well. Do your feelings still remain? (She told a mutual friend at one point how she has feelings for me) Her - Mmm... its not about whether my feelings still remain, with everything that is going on right now i am just trying to not deal with feelings honestly so i do not know how to answer your question" What does this mean? To me it seems like a deflection because it does not want to answer tnhe question directly. My friends all think that she truely does but just broke up with a man who said he was gonna marry her and that its horrendous timing. At some point I also told her i was leaving because i got a job opportunity coming up and asked her if she just wants the connection to die and she responded with "No i dont want the connection to go anywhere. If you look up my other posts I have the entire details to everything that happened.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I'm a guy, but I will decode this for you. She has developed feelings for someone else, or someone else has come into her life. And so she's dropped you for someone else. It's best to drop her, and not obsess. You're yesterday's news now. Best to move on.
Author Dazdnconfuzed Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 She is a single mom, we share mutual friends. So no one else and no one else.
welikeincrowds Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 What does this mean? It means she's not available.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 She is a single mom, we share mutual friends. So no one else and no one else. Then she doesn't like you in that way, anymore. Dude it's pretty simple. Drop her and find someone else.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 She likes you as a friend but at this point doesn't want more. No-one can know why but her. She is deflecting your questions because she doesn't want to answer them outright and upset you. She does want you as a friend. It doesn't sound like you can cope with just being her friend. It is possible to be unsure about whether you want to take things forward with a friend. In those circumstances, I would perhaps be a little evasive but would be mulling things over. If I'm unsure, it is usually because either (a) I don't feel a strong physical attraction; or (b) there is something about his personality or behaviour that I'm not sure I could cope with long term. If whatever it is that bothers me continues, then I will come to a conclusion about him and he will be just a friend (unless he opts out of that, of course). If the stumbling block disappears (i.e. he stops smoking or flirting with every woman he meets), then maybe I'll take a chance on him.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 It means she isnt attracted to you, either because she isnt over her ex, or she doesnt like what she sees in you. She also keeps texting you for the attention, and nothing more. Stop giving her the attention. She is using you for an ego boost, she likes having someone under her thumb that she knows will jump at her whim.
welikeincrowds Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 She is using you for an ego boost, she likes having someone under her thumb that she knows will jump at her whim. I see this accusation often made on LS, but hmm, have I personally known anyone to actually do this? I mean, there are highly shallow people out there, and there are serial killers and there are saints. But is it really so common, this "ego boost user"?
ilani Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 she hasn't settled her feelings from the previous relationship. ended in feb right? it's too soon. even if the breakup was her idea, it takes a while. she sees you as a friend currently because she can rely on you to make her day seem brighter or how you put a smile to her face. you are her single, male go-to person who gives her attention. none of which means she's using you, or that you're her ego boost. she is deflecting because you are pressuring her to make decisions when it seems like she's in a place where she wants things to go slow. very slow. she said, she's trying to do things alone -- as in, she wants to get her life back before she jumps into another relationship. OR i could be incredibly and totally wrong:eek:.
Fern Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 If they only split in February I think she is just being sensible. I split with my ex in August and went on a date with a guy I liked at the end of Dec/start Jan. After one date and a few phonecalls I realised I wasn't ready and because I didn't want to use him or hurt him I asked for some space and time and I'd get back to him. I genuinely liked him and thought we could have been compatible but he pushed and pushed and kept contacting asking if I was 'ready yet'. Until I was so pissed off at him that I completely changed my mind and told him to leave me alone. If you like her, tread carefully.
Author Dazdnconfuzed Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 To answer some of the comments above: I am fine being her friend as well, thing is she is not even giving that to me. We were friends before and even after we discovered mutual feelings so maybe the space is all I can do. Only gestures I get is warm smiles, texts here and there and waves but when she see's me with other women I dont get that even. Maybe her break up was much harder then I thought. Or Maybe she just really isnt that into me at all anymore. She does not need me for an ego boost because I am not uppity and I dont understand what boost I am giving her with responding with such indifferent texts. I do care for her and she does matter to me alot but I am in no way saying my life is pausing. I just wanted to know how I should take this and thank you for all your responses.
TuffCookieX Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 The worst thing you can ask a woman is if her feelings are there. You're just going to push her away. Let her come to you. If she IS interested like your friends say, then she will find a way to let you know. Right now she doesn't want to waste your time by going out while she is still healing over a previous relationship. Once she is ready to move on to someone new, she will. And I'm sure she will let you know.
Author Dazdnconfuzed Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 The worst thing you can ask a woman is if her feelings are there. You're just going to push her away. Let her come to you. If she IS interested like your friends say, then she will find a way to let you know. Right now she doesn't want to waste your time by going out while she is still healing over a previous relationship. Once she is ready to move on to someone new, she will. And I'm sure she will let you know. Yea in hindsight i feel like a douche now asking her that question but at the moment it was seriously burning a hole in my head. I have to really try and learn once and for all to stop acting on impulse and emotions, this is out of character for me but when it happens it seems like I cant stop it.
MarlyStar Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Give her a couple more months, to the end of June. Men jump into new relationships fast as they can as a rule of thumb, women, ESPECIALLY single mothers with young kids, don't (some do--the neurotic ones). Just rule of thumb, like men are taller than women. Not all men are taller than all women, and certainly some women are taller than men. Same thing, in general men are going to jump quickly into a new relationship if they can, and women will hold back. The males who are advising you she's not interested or has someone else are putting themselves in her shoes with a male mindset--not a female one. She's still got some feelings for the ex--and maybe not loving feelings, but anger and 'why, why, why' despair feelings. Women want to know why things ended, what went wrong. Those are strong feelings, fueled by anger, guilt, love and hate. That's what she's doing right now. SHe's figuring out and setting up closure on the old relationship. Trust me, you want her to do this before you get involved with her. Men don't care so much about why and what I did wrong and what he did wrong and why did he do it, and what should I have done instead. Some do, but it seems that a lot seize one satisfactory explanation and that's good enough. It's only when the one they love most and very deeply gets away they do this sort of thing. Also she's given you another clue. She sounds a little overwhelmed. She's now doing everythign herself, work, child care, housekeeping, whatever...she's figuring it out. It's HARD, she has to establish a routine, and as she's doing it, she's dealing with the why, why, why stuff too. I don't think you made a mistake in asking if she still has feelings for you; you are checking that you aren't bothering her and imposing,and you are checking if you are wasting your time. Women are more likely to appreciate and understand a question like 'do you still have feelings for me' than a man does because they are more likely to ask questions like that themselves. Be warm supportive and charming, and give her time and space. That she initiated a text to you is a good thing. This may work out for you very nicely. Good luck.
dispatch3d Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 just be supportive, you are friends with her. Whether this goes into something or not who knows. I'd rather be the guy who was understanding with his friend rather than some dude who quit when he thought he wasn't going to "get any". I'm not saying be her emotional ragdoll or anything, or show too much understanding.
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