chop246 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't want to re-tell my long story.I just want to know what signs to look for.So next time I will be more aware.Let's just say I thought I was her best friend with possible benifits..that basically benifited her.
Dust Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I would say it’s not so much about looking for signs, but instead having enough respect for yourself not to associate with people like this.
Author chop246 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Yeah,but if they are really good.How do know? before I knew it I was crazy for telling her how I felt.Now I'm completly miserable and missing her.I feel like it was all my fault..not hers.
utterer of lies Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Yeah,but if they are really good.How do know? before I knew it I was crazy for telling her how I felt.Now I'm completly miserable and missing her.I feel like it was all my fault..not hers. You were gullible and naive, and she took advantage of that and used you.
betterdeal Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't know your story so can't really tell if you were manipulated. You told her you had them feelings for her and she told you she didn't have them feelings for you? That doesn't sound like manipulation. What am I missing here?
Dust Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You can’t worry about unknown hypothetical scenarios. If you respect yourself you won’t put your trust in people who haven’t earned it. Also treat people the way you would want to be treated. Now what is a specific way you are worried about being taken advantage of?
utterer of lies Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't know your story so can't really tell if you were manipulated. You told her you had them feelings for her and she told you she didn't have them feelings for you? That doesn't sound like manipulation. What am I missing here? Russian gold digger made him guarantee for her financially while marrying someone else. Gave him the minimum attention he needed to keep supporting her. Read his threads, it's quite a story...
betterdeal Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Okay, I skim-read his first post on the green card thread. There were plenty of times in the first few hundred words when he allowed things he was not happy with and instead did what she wished to do. If that's the gist of it, I think what he can learn is that he can do better to enforce his boundaries and make his needs known. I get the feeling that he took let these boundary incursions carry on and fawned to her every whim because he lacks skills in standing up for himself. He may well have also rationalised it as it being if he did enough for her, she'd eventually "fall in love" with him and everything would change, almost magically, in his favour. This is a fallacy of being nice and expecting that to lead to great rewards. The solution is not to be nasty, but to be truly nice. Nice to yourself and the other person. That means not giving more than you can afford to. It means expressing how you feel. It means recognising that if your feelings are dismissed, the other person is not respecting them. In those first few hundred words there were plenty of examples of moments, crux points, where he did what she wanted him to at the expense of what he wanted to. I was like that. It's taken me nearly a year of reading up on assertiveness and finding the real self to get to the point that I (a) know what I feel (b) am not ashamed of what I feel © know how to honour what I feel and (d) have put a - c all to practical good use in several scenarios, and it feels good to have said "this is me, this is what's on offer, take it or leave it." The most recent example in my life was a penfriend who is having trouble sleeping but cannot get to her doctors to get a script for sleeping tablets. I have some sleeping tablets and she made indirect requests for them ("I envy your sleeping tablets and won't be able to get to the doctors any time soon"). I know she is depressed and has BDD, and I feel for her for being in such a dark place, but I also know that I have been having problem sleeping and the sleeping pills are there to help me re-establish a regular sleep pattern. I initially said, "don't try to manipulate me" which got an aggressive response. Not surprising as it was an aggressive way to frame it. I then said "okay, but as much as you may want my sleeping tablets, I'm not going to give them to you." That was the end of the matter. We now talk about what we usually talk about. My boundary has been honoured, the issue has been settled, we can each move on. If it feels wrong, don't do it. You may fear that makes you a bad person because you're not pleasing someone you like, or you may fear that it ruins your chances of some later reward, but it's not a bad thing to respect your own feelings and none of us knows what the future will bring even if we try to control the present. Take your time when you're not sure about something. Think it over, accept how you feel about it, and say what you feel and what your decision is. If they can't wait for you to do that, they can go and find someone else and see if they respond in their favour more quickly. Be precise and clear when making your feelings and decisions known. It makes it a whole lot easier for everyone.
musemaj11 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 If you think something is too good to be true, chances are you are right.
Author chop246 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Yeah,she did say she didn't have those kind of feelings for me.I just don't understand why occaisionally she would show me affection like she was my GF.Even though she didn't want me to be.It was just too confusing for me.I know I should have walked away the moment I found out she was married.It all made sense when she told me,but as before she would always give me a little then push back.At first there was a lot of kissing and holding and hugging.Then there was none.She did this while she was getting me to go along with this co sponsor thing. Edited April 12, 2011 by chop246 details
cutecatch Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I don't want to re-tell my long story.I just want to know what signs to look for.So next time I will be more aware.Let's just say I thought I was her best friend with possible benifits..that basically benifited her. Lesson learned. Never be friends with girls, once you become friends you wil never fvk them or be in a relationship. They will treat you like 1 of their girlfriends. Fvk them and toss them bro, be a real man.
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