LOST DRUMMER Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hi everyone, I've posted this story before...but this is an updated version...I know some of you will think I'm a scum bag....but I'm really hurting....and feel allot of guilt for what I've done....so be gentle please. I have a really messy story...I'm a dumper and a dumpee....I really hope someone can relate to my story or give me some worthwhile advice....I'm SO messed up right now! I'm going to keep this as short as possible. I was in a 13 year relationship with the perfect woman...never an argument, we got along great.....and I often wondered if it was TOO effortless. In the beginning we where absolutely crazy about each other....the first 7 years where bliss....moved into an apartment together after 2 years, then after 4 years we bought a home...got a dog.....it was perfect....we where both 19 when we started...and I had never been in a long term relationship before her.....she had had one for 5 years. After 7 years together I admit things started feeling a little routine, and that's where I feel that things kinda changed....we still loved each other very much...but it felt like the passion was gone...kinda figured well, this is just what it is...the next 7 years years where not great and not bad....just good...and I always thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I started a new job 2 and a half years ago and a girl from the office woke something up in me...I was always excited to go into work it seemed....I didn't know what was going on....she was in a 7 year relationship, and I in a 13 year one....I just new I was very attracted to her, but that was it.....we often went on smoke breaks together, lunch sometimes, and her and her BF would often hang out with me and my GF....fast forward 1 year later, she declares things where rocky at home, and that she also had feelings for me. I was floored! She left her BF, and on impulse I left my GF......within weeks we where hooking up....was kind of casual at first....but man did I feel alive....I realize now that she had been a fantasy for so long....and I felt on top of the world because in some ways I had conquered it.... for a year and a half we where on again off again....fighting all the time...I often felt like I had so much unfinished business because I left my LT GF so quickly, that I couldn't let go and allow myself to love and be loved.....that year and a half was probably the most frustrating, difficult, exciting, passionate, confusing time of my life. I was so attracted to this new girl throughout the whole thing though...the sexdrive that I thought had died with my LT GF was ALIVE and well with the girl from work....but I could not STOP second guessing my decision to leave my LT GF the whole time....it haunted me....so much so that we stayed in some contact through the whole ordeal.... What's F$%ked is everytime me and the girl from work would break up...I would lose it....cry, beg....all of it.....then when I had her back, I'd go back to being confused!... Now where I am today. The girl from work and I have been broken up since Jan 11th....NC since Feb. 20th (we no longer work together by the way THANK GOD)....and since the break up, I have been in daily contact with my LT GF....we've even hung out a few times...she's like family....I just cant let her go....And I wonder if the girl from work was just a fantasy? and maybe she should have stayed that way....and am I just so weak willed that I threw away everything me and the LT GF had together...to take advantage of this fantasy....that never could live up to what I had built it up to?....it's just soooooooo confusing.... a month and a half of NC with the girl from work....and I still feel horrible over the breakup....just horrible....and I cant distinguish weather it's just my ego that is bruised, or what.....I cry at least 3 times a week...and miss her allot....but is it because she wont see me. because when I had her, I would make excuse to not even come see her. I know what a MESS!!...If a genie appeared I'd ask him to wipe my mind clean of the last year and a half...and I could just go back home....my LT GF would love to start over with me....and god, SO WOULD I....but now I have this drama in my head about the girl from work....it's BROKEN ME!...and I feel useless and lost....my LT GF even went out with someone else for 8 months....and said it was the some with her....she couldn't let go of me either.....she is a saint!....a woman to grow old with....and the girl from work was so complicated.... Why cant I realize this...and open my heart completely to my LT GF again....and start fresh.....I just don't know why I cant see and feel things as they are....it's like I'm still hung up on the fantasy....and I hate that about me. I've been in therapy for the last 7 weeks....and I'm learning a great deal....and I think it stems from me having a lack of love for me. I just want to be true....and good....and HAPPY! ......but I'm in so much pain.
Mcnulty Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I won't go into details, but I can identify with you. Your ego is ever present I sense. Was there an overlap from your LT ex and the recent ex? You've realized the grass isn't greener, for sure, but to jump back into the safe steady arms of the saint would be a mistake I feel. You need time alone...work through the counselling sessions, gain some perspective on your past actions and you. Is it person centred counselling or cognitive behaviour therapy you are having? It wouldn't be fair on either of you to get back together with the LT ex...not yet...work out your feelings and past actions and then make a decision.
Author LOST DRUMMER Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I'm in therapy with a Psychotherapist....and I agree with you but man it's so HARD....I cant get the wrong girl out of my head and heart!... then I get this yesterday morning... after 7 weeks of strict NC...that she initiated I get a random call before heading to work at 8am...she's very nonchalant...no "Hi, how are you"....she called to ask if i was still looking for a dog....she had found one and thought of me... I was very cold....just yes & no answers....and I initiated the hang up....call lasted about a minute and a half. I've been messed up ever since! I've contemplated calling or texting her to find out what the F$#K....I mean we both moved on....why the need to call!! I feel like I'm starting all over....and it HURTS!
nana841121 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I just want to point out that from your thread outlay and format, i can tell you are a very considerate person. it's much easier for us to read long post with space and paragraphe.
nana841121 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I think she was just using an excuse to call you.
singer24 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I completely agree with McNolty. You are all over the place right now. You have NO CLUE where your head is at and what you actually feel. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, just sit in silence for about 10 minutes. Let all your thoughts and emotions run through you. Then decide to just be alone. Just lose contact with both. It will be hard because of course you will feel like you are hurting the feelings of you LT gf. But let her know that you are not just doing this for you, but for her too because you really need to give yourself a moment to just reflect and decide what you want. If you rush back in with her, it's not fair to the both of you because your thoughts and emotions are just scattered everywhere. You need clarity. That will come if you just take a step back and let things settle. It is the ONLY way you will be able to know what you really want, things will become ultimately so clear. You know how they say sometimes writers have a writers block when they concentrate too much on their story and they desperately try to find their next sentence but it's just not happening? What do they do? They let it go for a while, forget about it, and come back to it later when their head is clear. It doesn't mean they don't care about their story...it doens't mean they are letting it go forever....it just means they are taking a mental break, and coming back to it later....WHEN THINGS WILL JUST FLOW NATURALLY....because they haven't thought about it. Lose contact with both...it doesn't have to be forever...but it has to be right now so you can breathe and clear your head.
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