Boyfriend always wants alone time

[Arie]

I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now. This is not a surprise but I guess it has been brought to my attention from friends and family so much that I am starting to get suspicious myself. He has always wanted alone time. I don't mean that we take break up and get back together or take a break from each other. Literal alone time. He wants to be left alone and not bothered by anyone. It struck me as odd at first. I can understand that he doesn't like to be bothered after he gets home from work. If I give him an hour or so he's fine. But every now and then (about once or twice every two weeks) he will lock himself away for a whole day. This is nothing new, he has been doing this for as long as I've known him. I used to think it was just him trying not to seem desperate but we're way past that stage. My family and friends think he is cheating on me. I dismissed them for a long time but now it is finally getting to me. His best friend said he has always been like that since they were kids. His mother said the same thing. I am starting to think they are covering for him. My mother thinks no guy would do that unless he was cheating. He'll answer my calls when he's being along but won't stay on the phone for long. He just seems uninterested in talking. I have dropped by his place on several occasions while he is alone and the only thing there is his dog. I am not obvious with my looking around, but will bring food or something or say that I need to get something that I left there. The dog doesn't even act like someone else is around. I casually walk around looking and there is nothing there. He also goes fishing during his alone time. He likes to go fishing and always tells me when and where he is going. I feel bad that I have gone to see if he actually is fishing. He is always where he says he will be. This has become an issue now because the last time he went fishing he took his dog with him. I went to see if he was really there and the dog caught sight of me and ran straight to me. At this point my cover was blown. He seemed very hurt and said "what, you don't trust me?". I had no defense like I was just in the area because he went to one of his favorite spots which is about 3 hours away. It turned into a big argument and he went home. We haven't really talked in two days. He is a great guy and other than his "alone time" has never given me any indication of cheating or anything else. Does he truly just want alone time sometimes or is he really cheating?

[GivenUp0083]

I'm the exact same way, and if it hasn't been a problem before, you shouldn't let it become a problem now.

 

Here's how I can best describe it: Some people just deal with the stresses of life differently. For me, I over-analyze things to death and it's hard for me to sit back sometimes and wait to do something about, so I constantly think about things I have no control over and it stresses me out. Sometimes I just need time to shut it all out and space out for a while. I do this by watching sports all day like football, maybe playing videogames all morning, watching a couple movies back to back.

 

Think of it as your time that you like to have in a spa just by yourself to relax. Some people need more time. It doesn't mean I'm hiding anything, it doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means sometimes I don't want to be around ANYONE and I just want to be by myself to relax and zone out of reality for a while so I can come back fresh and positive and relaxed.

 

If you try and take this from him you will be the one to lose one way or the other. Either he stops taking his "alone time" and he becomes a jerk, stressed out, maybe starts resenting you and not showing as much respect for you. Or, he'll see you as controlling, and before taking the next step with you (i.e. marriage) he's going to see this as a huge flag and wonder to himself if he really wants to be with someone this controlling. Maybe you're not trying to be controlling, but trust me it will come across that way.

 

Just let him have his time. If anything else out of the ordinary starts happening then it's time to worry, otherwise tell your family they don't know him like you do and you've always trusted him the last 3 years and he's never let you down yet. Don't start a problem when there isn't one.

Edited April 6, 2011 by GivenUp0083

[Kamille]

Some people need down time, alone, or else they get tired, stressed and cranky. (I'm one of those people). Introverts in particular tend to favor alone time.

 

His need for time alone isn't abnormal.

 

You struggle to understand this need and it even makes you feel insecure. In your shoes, I would apologize. Take responsibility for the insecurity. Try to understand that these are his needs and he's allowed to have them.

 

Perhaps you two could, for fun, take the MBTI personality tests (easily available on-line). Bf read mine at one point and it helped him understand my needs for alone time. He now seems a lot less thrown off by it.

[oaks]

He is a great guy and other than his "alone time" has never given me any indication of cheating or anything else. Does he truly just want alone time sometimes or is he really cheating?

 

You've checked up on him multiple times, and he's always where he says he will be and is doing what he says he will be doing. When would he be cheating if you keep checking up on him and never caught him? At least one of those things is doing a hobby/sport (fishing) that can work really well with some solitude, and it's a perfectly healthy normal thing to do.

 

My advice to you is: stop listening to your mother.

[BeginAgain]

I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now. This is not a surprise but I guess it has been brought to my attention from friends and family so much that I am starting to get suspicious myself. He has always wanted alone time. I don't mean that we take break up and get back together or take a break from each other. Literal alone time. He wants to be left alone and not bothered by anyone. It struck me as odd at first. I can understand that he doesn't like to be bothered after he gets home from work. If I give him an hour or so he's fine. But every now and then (about once or twice every two weeks) he will lock himself away for a whole day. This is nothing new, he has been doing this for as long as I've known him. I used to think it was just him trying not to seem desperate but we're way past that stage. My family and friends think he is cheating on me. I dismissed them for a long time but now it is finally getting to me. His best friend said he has always been like that since they were kids. His mother said the same thing. I am starting to think they are covering for him. My mother thinks no guy would do that unless he was cheating. He'll answer my calls when he's being along but won't stay on the phone for long. He just seems uninterested in talking. I have dropped by his place on several occasions while he is alone and the only thing there is his dog. I am not obvious with my looking around, but will bring food or something or say that I need to get something that I left there. The dog doesn't even act like someone else is around. I casually walk around looking and there is nothing there. He also goes fishing during his alone time. He likes to go fishing and always tells me when and where he is going. I feel bad that I have gone to see if he actually is fishing. He is always where he says he will be. This has become an issue now because the last time he went fishing he took his dog with him. I went to see if he was really there and the dog caught sight of me and ran straight to me. At this point my cover was blown. He seemed very hurt and said "what, you don't trust me?". I had no defense like I was just in the area because he went to one of his favorite spots which is about 3 hours away. It turned into a big argument and he went home. We haven't really talked in two days. He is a great guy and other than his "alone time" has never given me any indication of cheating or anything else. Does he truly just want alone time sometimes or is he really cheating?

I am sorry to tell you dear but your beau is a gay fish. He is cheating on you with the sea. Your local fishmonger has him on a watch list.

 

This is exactly why women should never listen to friends and family. They always get you into more trouble in a relationship and start filling a woman's head with all matter of nonsense.

 

Some people like me are loners. They enjoy time alone doing things alone. Showing someone regular attention we can do but at some point we reach our limit of human and even female contact especially SO contact. If his one day alone is too much space for you then you need to give up on him. He isn't meeting your needs and he can only give as much as he can. You can keep deluding yourself into this jealous fantasy of him with another woman but don't use this fiction to justify a break up or find a flaw in him that isn't there. You don't want to trust him and he doesn't meet your needs so you need to move on.

[Fondue]

I'm just like your boyfriend. I need alone time.

 

I think you just have to accept it. You have investigated and found that your boyfriend is NOT lying to you. And yet you still choose to mistrust him. This is a big red flag. I'm not surprised that your boyfriend is choosing not to speak with you right now. You're just being a little princess.

[2sunny]

I'm just like your boyfriend. I need alone time.

 

I think you just have to accept it. You have investigated and found that your boyfriend is NOT lying to you. And yet you still choose to mistrust him. This is a big red flag. I'm not surprised that your boyfriend is choosing not to speak with you right now. You're just being a little princess.

 

i'm the same way as your guy friend... it's actually HEALTHY! leave him alone when he says he wants alone time... his time as solitude is interrupted if you step in. solitude is waaaay different that isolating.

 

ask yourself WHY it bothers YOU... it shouldn't. YOU need to have enough of your own interests to stay busy and not worried about what he is or isn't doing...

[lapse]

Yah - me, too. I absolutely have to have time alone. I lived with my exbf for 3 years and I cannot tell you how rejuvenated I felt when I moved out. I could go 24 - 48 hours without contact and not only think nothing of it, but feel better.

 

It's a major difference between introverts and extroverts.

[lizwashere]

Arie,

 

He is not cheating on you - I think what's really bothering you is that he doesn't want to spend every waking moment with you. You sound jealous of the fact that he has personal interests and activities that don't involve you. I don't know how old you are, but you need to grow up and realize that even when people are in love they can't be everything to the other person, it's simply impossible.

 

I'm affraid that if you keep pushing him and following him around he is going to tire of your behavior very quickly.

[Saphira]

Dont worry so much. some men are like that. My ex had those days where he just wasnt in the mood for people of any sort. and my dad has always done the fishing thing. every few weeks he would go fishing all night. It was his personal time. and his relax time. Sometimes he would bring the fam. but we new he liked fishing alone. we always new were he was and when he would be back. and he always answered the phone if we had to call. my dad still does it to this day actually. Your guy may really just need that "me time" every now and then. I mean every one, friends and family are telling you he has always been this way. then maybe he really is just having alone time. Give it to him.

[daphne]

Not just men need alone time. I do too. I agree with the posters that tell you to ignore your mother. Unless you have any other indication that he's cheating, he just likes downtime to himself. It's hard to grasp this concept if you don't need it, but some people need to recharge without outside distraction.