Finally being able to say Hi to my ex

[nobandaid]

Hi all,

 

I hope that you are all happy + fighting fit!

 

I haven't written for awhile, so alot of you will have no idea what I am going on about...so I'll brief you...very briefly, so as not to bore you! Anyone wanting to know more, pls feel free to check out my other posts, just search for my username!

 

OK...My ex of 2.5 yrs and I broke up around 8 months ago. I broke up with him because I felt stifled, was wondering what else was out there etc (I was only 18 and although I felt extreme guilt for these feelings, I have since been reassured that they are normal.) Anyway a few weeks after my decision I regretted what I had done and asked for him back... he wouldn't have a bar of me and said that I had ruined his life by breaking up with him and that he was on Valium for what I had done to me.

 

So basically he hated me and refused to speak to me, despite my continuous efforts to contact him. So I dropped off for a couple of months, then one day he calls me out of the blue. We talk for a few days, really good convos, then he comes over and we sleep together...bad move.

 

Anyway, we were along the track of getting back together and he says he is still in love with me, however won't give me an answer to whether he wants to get back or not. So I tell him that I can't wait for ever and he says OK, I don't expect you to...so I hang the phone up, unsure if he means its over or not. I dont hear from him in a few days so I call him one night and he answers the phone with "why are you calling me??" This frustrates me so I say that I still care about him, but if he doesn't want anything to do with me I will have no choice but to date other people, so could I pls have the closure I need? He yells "NO I'M NOT GIVING YOU CLOSURE" so I reply with "so then lets talk about us" and he says no I dont want to so again I ask for closure and he says "no way, I'm not giving it to you and I never want to speak to you again." He then hangs up the phone. So I call him back, he doesn't answer..I called him so many times that night......then the next day I call,he doesnt answer so i go to his house and msg when im out the front..."im out the front of your house, come out." He replies with "I'm not home. Leave me alone. Charlie [a mutual friend of us], called me last night and said that you wanting closure to be with someone else makes him feel sick. I never want to see you again.."

 

I then tried to call him back again but alas..no answer. So I replied with a text msg saying.."Fine, if this is what you want, then I will leave you alone. Always remember that I love you with all my heart. Thank you for the great times we shared, I will remember you forever...goodbye" I found out a week later that he was sleeping with someone else...then two weeks after that, that he was sleeping with one of his ex's, whome he told me he HATED and never wanted to see again...mmm...deja vu...LOL!!!!!

I haven't spoken to him since... well read on....

 

I have seen him, however, as we go to many of the same places. I saw him on Valentine's day, out at a pub. We were both with friends of the same sex... so no lovers insight...I saw him walk in and later on walked past him as I heard him say to one of his mates.. "There's Rach (me)." He looked the other way as I walked past. I then saw him a couple of weeks later, on our anniversary (scary). I was at a coffee shop, with two girlfriends, having coffee, and he walked straight out the back.. saw us, muttered to himself..."where is he?" then turned and spat into a bush next to me and walked off. So I assumed he HATED me. On the other hand, perhaps it wasn't directed at me, but all of us did agree that it was. I guess I will never know.

 

Anyway, finally the point to my story..... Tonight I saw him in his car. He was waiting at the end of the street that I was turning into...so when I turned in our cars were next to each other, with both of our windows down. He saw me and looked straight ahead. As I was driving past I said "Hi Jim!!", and waved at him.

I could tell he was caught very much by surprise, as he turned and said very timidly, "hi..," with a small smile. He really wasn't execting me to say hi, but I just had to. I won't deny that when I drove on, my heart did leap into my throat and my legs went jelly. But it was not nearly as sever as a few months ago.

What's the point in being enemies? I have forgiven him for everything, I have no grudges against him, I don't think I want to be his friend, but I feel that tonight, after 8 long long months, that I have established *peace.* I feel so good, so happy. However seeing him again has made me miss him...but I think this is normal.

 

I might also add that I can live my life without him, I have a new job and am doing very well. Also, in regards to boyfriends, I have slept with one guy since my ex...we were "seeing" each other for a couple of months, but he was living in a different state, so it was just too hard. Plus, I don't think I'm ready to be "in the game" again yet. I am enjoying being single, I have learnt, gradually, to love myself, I pamper myself, I have travel dreams and goals for the future. I have to admit that I do still think of my ex on a daily basis and do miss him, the closeness most of all - he was my best friend in the whole world.

 

I will emphasise this now, as so many people on this forum seem to believe that the pain never gets better, which is truly reasonable, as I thought exactly this. If you refer back to my old posts you will see how much agony I was in. I no longer feel the physical hurt anymore, my body doesn't ache for him. I can only remember the good memories, no matter how hard I try. I know that I still love him, I believe that I always will because he was my first love, the one I will tell my grandchildren about.." I honestly can't say if I am still IN love with him anymore, how can you tell these things???

 

I don't know how to interpret his behaviour, such as the way he reacted when I waved at him...which was totally contrary to his usual manner (when we were together).....who knows, perhaps I dont want to interpret them. Perhaps I'm not over him yet, but I do know that each week gets easier... maybe not each day, in the initial break up phase at least, but it does get better.

 

Any discussion would be most interesting.

 

Thanks

[hurtingandconfused]

I'm sorry I guess that I'm just a Pr!ck but I hope that my ex feels the same way you do/did.

 

From what you've posted it SEEMS as if he still loves you. But he is scared and is deeply hurt. As for you, let him be. You asked for him to return to you and he didn't want to. Let him heal and perhaps when he's ready he will contact you again.

 

I honestly can't say if I am still IN love with him anymore, how can you tell these things???

 

I believe that YOU(me,you, everyone) just know deep down inside.

[BklynGuy]

I know the feeling. When she dumped me I enforced the no contact rule. She would talk to me now & then on the computer. I blocked her SN for a couple months. She sent me a card in the mail asking me to call if I felt like it. I did a couple days later.

 

She said she didn't want things to end, etc. I let her have it for all the wrong she'd done (Cheating, lying, stringing me along). I gave up a lot for this girl. The next day I went to her house steaming mad and asked her to come back to me now or never. She chose never. It tore me apart to see her face, I felt like I was looking at a different person. Someone I only knew a part of...going to see her was a bad move.

 

We talk on the computer now and I honestly don't feel anything for her as I once did. What we had is still there, but I dont want it back as I did. I just talk to her as a friend and it's fine.